I miss you . . .

I miss the days where . . . .

i need no reasons to smile or laugh.

i can eat as much as i want without feeling the tiniest feel of guilt.

i can talk as loud as i want. As rough as i can.

i can be calmest of all. The coolest of all.

i can find a place to rest easily.

i need no blog to say just what i want to say.

Detach and move away.

FUCK

I thought that i could at least wait . . at least to make my 100th post a happy one. FUCK IT !

Things are just piling up . . .reports. . presentations. .
And it's INGRAINED . . I'm always being taken advantage of . . it'll always be. . be it PAST or present. FUCK !
I don't think that's my problem you know?
Then, what about me?
I've done so much . . . what shit do i get in return ?!

And when i try to say no. . to say it more then necessary . . I fail myself !
I feel so damn guilty inside. And I'm really pissed. . Pissed with myself for being SUCH A FOOL.
There's no reason for me to feel so uncomfortable. SO agitated.
Why about yourself?! What about your own feelings?
DO you really think that you are an ANGEL?? a BUDDHA ?? FUCK !

Just what is this? You want to use labtop, I DUN HAVE TO USE ?
I call you about the reports, YOU THINK I REALLY WANT TO CALL YOU?
I didn't say i'm free, YOU ASSUME I AM?
I didn't say okay at all . . YOU THINK I'M FINE !
and when i say okay, YOU THINK IT REALLY IS? FUCK !!


What can i do ? I'm so fake . . really disgusting. .

Why did the hell i go out proud and happy telling all my friends how grateful i am to have met you. GREAT. I take the shit up myself and even scrub myself with it.

And you! Don't keep asking me to go out, I'll kill when my limits are off. When i can't fake anymore. Please.

all i can do is scream here. I've lost it. My calmness. My gentleness .

See? I might up with 100 FUCKS . Instead of all the happy stuffs. And i gotta go DIE now for all the assignments.

FUCK YOU, really . . . . .

please come back :(

Why did you all take advantage of my naive-ness?

"Feel" from what you feel . . .

I realised it only yesterday . . the moment i woke up from the deja vu feeling ~

In my so called " nightmares" , I am always the one who is chasing over someone. That person seems unreachable. No matter how fast i run or how far i reach out. I am scared in those dreams. The darkness seems to be swallowing me as a whole. I don't know why.

But each time i encounter "nightmares" , i got used to it.

Humans dream and yet nobody can explain why ^^


I just finished reading " Five people you meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. And it made me flow with unexplainable emotions. Emotions stir easily within me, i admit that. And that make me what i am. I am Shanwen ^^

Life is about all the unpredictables. Life owes no one.
It is a about sacrifices. When you lost something, you gain something in return.
When you feel that life is unfair, there is fairness elsewhere. It is repaid to someone else.
It is just not your turn yet. Others need it more than you.

Life can end but love will never. Love takes many shapes. You just fail to notice them. Listen and feel. It is not what you see or hear, but always what you feel.

Try to say " I forgive you , dad. . mum . ." and i forgive myself for all the bad things that i have done. You'll feel lighter. Remember life owes no one. Not even explainations.

Smile more. It is never too late to realize. Never. And time is never wasted on anything.
The only time that we have wasted is to think that we are alone :)

These are what i have learnt and i wish to share with you ^^

Everything is interconnected. There are may stories outside. But all come from one ~

..........................................................

School is starting next week. And i look forward to what awaits me -
Take care everyone ^^

i'm always here

A little update :D

Just reached Singapore 4 in the morning. ^^

It was fun. Driving turned out to be better than i had expected. LOL
Much better than motorcycle at least. My sister and i thought of giving it up after our first 2 hours of lessons. It was disasterous. It made me wonder the reason why i take it up in the place.
Did i really yearn to end my life so much? :D

The worst part is . . . No matter how hard is it . the word "give up" is just not in our dictionary. LOL
We both tried to but somehow. . *sighs
I think we'll manage somehow. It just takes time ^^
Once we take up something, we'll go to the end of it. Anything. At all.

I managed to eat loads of good food back in Ipoh. Managed to spend quality time with dad and mum. I feel happy when we're having dinner together.

Thanks for the great change from you, dad.
Compared to last year, you let me witnessed the scene that you beat mum.
The scene where you could just bring up your fist so easily against mum.
Mum, too. You showed concern when you said you don't care anymore. LOL
You managed to capture dad's change of expressions.

I miss going back to school. Hmm. . As for now, i still have 4 reports in hand. One presentation.
Looking forward to how well i will be doing for this time. I mean it XD
Really, i want to carve a path out for myself here, in SP.

I still dont know where i will going or what i will be doing , but i'm sure time spent here will not make me regret. I thank you and Andy really much. To make me see life this way again. I made it sound so serious, but I am.

I am writting so much rubbish again. LOL
TAKE CARE EVERYONE ^^

HELP ME OUT

please

Torment

Why all these again?

When i thought things are so much better now?

Is the needle used are sharp Not enough?

Sew too fast?

Or Pain received

No longer be felt?

Unheard voices are drowning up.

I shouted help IN VAIN.

So loud and clear

Not heard yet.

I wonder. How?

I swear Not to let

You see me like this. Never.

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

Thy sins are eternal and i pray not for the dead.

God, please grant me this little wish.

Hey ~

" Don't you feel tired making everyone happy everyday ? Won't you feel like having somone just to sit beside you or to make you smile in return? Won't you feel too cold sometimes ?
Won't you feel like just leaning on somone's shoulder? "

SW

Alone and cold

Hmm. . . " Such drastic change eh? "

" Yea. . "

I don't know but started to wear skirts recently. . To my surprise, i didn't feel weird at all. Friends here find it normal. I'm sure other's find it rather odd for me to change so much? My sister just said that to me last night ==

Sometimes, i do want a change. I want to " unSW" myself. LOL
I wanted to feel being a different person.

Bacisally, I just want a simple laugh everyday. A true smile everyday. Wanted to be more opstimistic :)

...............................................................................................

Ah. . just how long has it been to feel so alone and cold? So . . peaceful and calm? The weather suits it.
I've had my Japanese Test and i really hope that i did well for it.

I'm having Mid Semestral Exam this week. Just one more paper to go this Friday :D
It's a sky and earth difference than A level. Really. Friends said hard while i don't even dare to sound a voice. As i have thought, i really won't study as hard as A level. No more.

Don't know how i will be scoring this time. Don't dare to put hope as usual, but all i can say is this should be more promising than A levels :D
Life will turn out great !

Met up with Ah goh, Kok wai and Mun Si for dinner after my Maths paper. It was a nice gathering. We had a nice time chatting and sharing. Glad that i met them. Everyone are leading good lives ^^ I mean life's goes on for everyone no matter how hard it is. Guess pictures will be up on FB.

Don't have much to share. But will be ging back to Ipoh this coming Saturday night for a week. Driving lessons here i come T__T

I really looked forward of sleeping with my mum again. To eat dinner with my mum.To hug my mum tight tight. To say thank you for granting this life to me. . I'll treasure it and make my life as interesting as possible ~

Please let me grow up faster. And see things in an adult way.

Bleeds . . .

Introducing myself with Huiwen's new Sony running walkman ~

Discovered a new way to bleed. . . and that you won't die from it.

SHOPPING !!!

Seeing every pieces of cash that i took out when i pay . . really makes me feel like bleeding. . Haha. . Even lose my appetite for dinner. For someone like my sister and I, we seldom buy stuff for ourselves. It's worse for me. I don't really like to reward myself with anything . Will only be guilty afterwards.

But don't know why. . I just feel like doing so lately. I feel so tired with everything. Got agitated easily. Sorry ya, KM . .I seldom use the F word. Will treat you something nice during CF ^^

So. . today. . I ate my fill and bought clothes . . shoes. . worth 70 plus dollars T_T

Wah . . Don't think i will be doing this again for long long . . Will post up the pics if i happen to wear them :D

I was doing what Shio told me. Change yourself. Just from head to toe. Be a different you. .

Let's see how different i can be. How far I can go. I don't need any reasons now. Reasons are not as important as i think them to be. I feel much better after that though.If you follow all the rules, you miss all the fun :D

Huiwen rewarded herself with something even more practical, i hope :D

A sony walkman specifically for runners. Kinda cool. It was around 120 bucks.

* can't you see a red pool below me? Those were all my blood T.T

Take care everyone. Will be having Japanese exam next week. It has been really some time since i score at least a paper. So, i'll die for it. All the way to go , SW !

I can.

I know i can

God, really. . . now i say please. .

God, why make one feel so?

lost the voice to shout for help

I am . . .

See? I am not. Cos i don't even look like it.

but I am

What I am

It was harder and harder to find someone to talk.

I don't even know what should i talk about. . . .
Will you really find a way out after that? Does it matter if you feel better after that?

Do i really don't look like how am i supposed to be?
My sister told me i'm really great at faking. . As in how i usually look to you guys? What do you usually feel when you're with me?

I'm a cheerful, happy-go-lucky, friendly, cute, very helpful . . . anything else?
That's what i had been hearing from everyone else. Try to probe in further. And detest me, please.

The fact that even I detest myself so much.

How do you know if i'm really " smiling" when i smile?
How do you know if i'm alright even though i said I am?
How do you know if every word that comes from my mouth are not lies ?

I don't even know if i'm lying to myself or anyone. It was hard. So hard to do anything . . at all.

And to be scarier, I don't even know if i mean what i'm saying here T___T

It is just that i am too sensitive for a person. I feel what other's feel easily. I care like a thousand times more for others rather than myself. Cos i'm happy doing so. I feel caring for others are caring for myself.

What is the feeling? I mean you would have the urge to put yourself first before others? My case is too extreme. Why isnt there anyone to teach me how? In that way, I won't have to depend on others to feel.

Sorry i'm writing all these rubbish. I just don't know how anymore. Or turning crazy soon although i don't seem to look like it XD

God, please help me.

So ??

Do you really have a BIG problem with THAT ??

I just want to be myself. T______T

Next life, i'll become an angel la. . . i won't become a person.

Things that i have learnt yesterday ::

It is neither right or wrong for the choices that you made.
I cannot measure trust. Even for my part.
Words that caome out from your mouth might be lies to yourself.

A lot of my friends are not virgin anymore =="


Let's ka yao everyone ~ ^^

Yummy ~

Ah. . .I had a really big feast just now. . . XD

It was a rather enjoyable one. It has been really long till i enjoyed so much ^^
I enjoyed eating the buffet dinner so much. It was nice. . .
The satay. . the sushi. . . the tomyum soup. . . the fish balls. . . the bbq chicken . . .the mixed berry ice cream . . . the varieties of cakes . . leong fun XD . . Wah. .

I ate too much till i vommited. What a sin to commit. ==
It was at least 10 times more than what i have eaten in my usual dinner. But no regrets.
Just that i have to do abit running tomorrow to burn off some fats. LOL

My counsellor called me today. It reminded me of how i had been in the past three months. It was over anyway :) All thanks to you ^^

Just to let you guys know that my life had been great ^^
Japanese is getting really challenging. At least i learnt how to write and read them now. Still abit hard to catch up with the unsubbed animes though. Studies is getting along well with me, i hope.
Other than that, everything is fine. Having exam in 3 weeks time. So yeah , let's ka yao ~

you never fail to impress me :)

These few days. . . i talked alot here. And i just feel like it. Or, did i talk too much?
Did i reveal to you too much? Did i say the right or wrong things?
Will i hurt someone without knowing it?
Sometimes all this. . . made me feel like not talking anymore. Not expressing anymore. Not saying anything anymore. Cos it just won't do.
The feeling will be the same. But if i don't talk here, i'll feel like drowning. I can't breathe well inside. Please don't be afraid to hurt me. I want to get hurt. Cos i'm scared of happiness.

I don't know what is this feeling. Just that when things get too real, you would really ask " am i dreaming ? " . Or " will i wake up from it? "

I miss my popo so much. So much so much. Till i really want to go with her. Just to go down and give her hug and say "Happy Mother's day". . I miss my mum. Hope she will forget the day i cried beside her. The day when i really thought that i don't want to be here anymore.

I miss you, ah po . . . Miss you so much :)

I can

Anh told me once that i'll lead a happy and simple life. Because i don't have preference for anything. Cos i don't make choices. They would be the one who make me to make one. Anything at all . . .I always manage to find a way to force myself to carve a path for myself.

I smile because you smile. And i can't help it. I'm happy when other does. I'll take it as a challenge for our relationship. At the same time, to prove to you everything is not as complicated as you think. One step at a time. As long as you did, even it's a baby step, you are not giving up yourself. One year is nothing to me. And i trust that you can too. As long as you don't give up, i'll always be here. If you don't catch up with me after the year, i'll be the one to come and find you.

You had become someone that i hold dearly to myself. So, i thank you now for not making any promises to me :)

I believe that one day, you can. The day where you believe in yourself enough to make those promises to me.

Take care everyone ~

let's do our best :)

My attraction

My sister told me i have an attraction for all these. That's why all these keep happening to me. I didn't know why and i can't help it myself.

It's easier this time. I swear.

Don't worry.

I'll be fine.

I just want to be myself. . . .

Will after expressing here makes you feel better?
I don't know but i don't "feel" today . . . As in i don't know what i feel today. .
Not my usual self today again after so much effort fighting them . .
It's easier to force myself to do stuff if you had some reasons for them . . .
But is good or bad in a way?

Just that really. . .I am tired.
Somehow, i really went thru HELL thoughout the past three months. . And when i weigh myself just now. I found that i lose 6 kg in three months. LOL
If death doesn't mean anything to you anymore. . . As if you would understand.
You would know what real tired means . . .

I hate that word.

But i felt better after having a singing session with huiwen just now. Just wanted so much to shout my lungs out today. Shout till all these tiredness are gone. Till i won't feel so tired to have smile so much these days :)

And now here

i say please . . .

Past, present, future . . .

You are someone who loves me by not making any promises with me for you fear you might break them in future.

I am someone who fear to listen to promises yet i want you to make those promises to me.

What is actually past, present and future ? When you are just living only one day off. . That day is actually your past,present and even future :)

So, live your past,present and future well ~
All the best, everyone ^^

Tore down, my wall . . .

Okay. . This is the only place that i can express. .so i really don't care or mind what people would say about me if they happen to read this. But i think i'll die in an instant when my family sees this. LOL

I don't know what about me that attracts you. A boy asked me to be his gf just after knowing me for 4 days? We're classmates. We talked alot before he asked me. I got to know that he always get rejected by girls. Then at first, i took pity on him and agreed to try out with him.I'm his first GF. I didn't open myself up to him. I thought he would grow tired of me that way.

However, what he had done in this few days. And what he had told me today. Managed to touch the deepest depth of my heart. I thought you won't see thru my lies. I never thought that you didnt treat them as jokes. He actually asked for more time for his studies and room of improvements for himself . When i thought you were just a guy - a normal one that certainly don't see studies as priority. But when he told me that he can't focus on his things and i don't know which part of me made him that i'm the "best" among the "best" in girls. .He told me that he was afraid too. Afraid of losing control over himself. Afraid of losing me in future.I didn't know that he would actually put in so much efforts. And when he told me all this. . . I was actually happy. At least he is not afraid of hurting me .As in he wanted to become friends now. It was just that it sounded the same as what she told me when she wanted to break up with me :)

I brokedown and had actually hid myself somewhere during lunch time. It wasn't his fault at all and yet he is damn guilty over it. I didn't know he is this serious in our relatinship. Halo, we just started for less than a week. But he is already saying about our future. Saying that he wanted to become a capable man for me. So he needs time. I am okay with it and i said i'll try to distance myself from him in school. Then both of us realised that we are almost in the same group for every projects till we graduate ==

Yea. I guessed i played with too much fire.And the flame had burnt my wall down. So, i really pray and hope hard to GOD. Please let this one be the right one.

i was touched
when you actually move me away from the sunlights
when you hold my hand and ask me to wait for you
when you didn't ask about my past
when you always find the safest place for me to stand
when you wipe the bird shit landed on my hand using your shirt
when you're there although i'm always pushing you away

. . . . .

It was a firm grip.

I thought of leaving myself a path so that i could find my way out later. But what if i can't find it anymore?

Everything will just be fine . . .

Yea. . I actually got muscles sore after just a quick jog with my sister yesterday. . Around 4 km, i guess. . I can afford more in the past. But the feeling afterwards was great. When you feel each steps of yours moving forward, it was as if YOU CAN DO IT. I felt much better afterwards. Really. I trapped myself inside the house for too long in the past three months.

If i fill in my emotions, would i get the same results again?
Do you really can do it for me?
I'm still scared. But i decided to open up a little to you. To be fair to you.
Since i really appreciate that you didn't ask about my past.
You managed to make me to feel again. I'm grateful. Really.

Is being happy a sin? I don't know. But i felt this way. I'm scared to be happy.
But if it is, i'll really have you to bear all of them for me.

I'll move on, okay? Is it okay? And i'm really leaving you behind this time.
I'll still be there for you. Whenever you feel alone or anything, feel free to find me. You still have me.
Cos you're still there. In that little corner :)
I'll end it nicely. .

I love you very much. And i really did.

If i can still find back my reasons why these tears still flows. . .
Is the bond really too strong for me to bear?
If you want me to be honest,
if i can tear my facade down,
You know . . . . i still

longed for you

Longings . . .

I longed for the day where i can just be my old self.
I longed for the day where i don't have to force food down to my throat.
I longed for the day where i can find back all my reasons for my existence.
I longed and i longed . . .

For the day where everything just ends and i can rest there peacefully.

Don't worry.Everything is fine. Everything's great.
Cos when you can do it, why can't i ?
I guess my facade is too perfect. . .
Till you are blind to know. Or to realize those weren't jokes at all.

Deep down i know it still bleeds

cos i don't even want them to recover :)

And i'm fine with it

I miss you

Anything. Just get me out of here.

God, i did tell you right.

I am really really very tired. How many more times you need me to repeat?
My helpful doesn't mean anything. I am born this way.

I'll be the bad guy and i'll teach you. Make sure you learn.

God, you never help me

I don't think there's even once you did

It was a wednesday too . .

You know what is a heart? :)

It is something that is broken. But it's still working.

I'm scared and i'm really actually extremely tired .

happy anniversary

Receive them the tears from me to you this day.

First day of Poly . . .

The first day of school was not that bad that i expected it to be. I wonder if humans are really just made to accustom to changes. Or i'll say i'm too tired to feel :)

I am the eldest here. They are younger than me by 2-3 years. I heard them calling me Da Jie =__=
Friends are really friendly here. There are a total of 6 Malaysians here. I have a small class of 20. And there's only 6 girls in my class. It's lively here. Easier for me to blend in compared to A levels. And there's the "Class participation" percentage also this time. And i think i won't want to lose to it like before. So,i think tagging along with people will do me fine. I don't have problems talking. It is just that it has been long since i give a smile. And i really miss it - the nice curve on my face :)

Teachers have their own styles here. Very different from A lvls. You'll really feel respected as an adult / student . But i have to admit the A levels teachers are better. . It's really lucky that i have studied them before. It's easy for me to catch up compared to the others. And i'm learning other interesting modules like nanotech, green tech, polymers, some finance modules and some design modules. Will be learning how to use zbrush design software next week. I don't really understand why these modules are in my course. Guess i'm in the right course. A combination of this and that. Material Science :)

School is at least thrice larger than my junior college.Got swimming pool. Got library. Got Pizza Hut. Got Subway. A total of 5 foodcourts. .Got stadium. . Classes are kinda far from each other. Somehow, i feel weird to be walking so much. .Till i feel the sores at night. And the Singapore Polytechnic is just one stop away from Clementi. So, i'll reach the campus in 5 minutes. However, i think i've gotten used to have bread for lunch. Hunger and physical pain seem to be nicer feelings. .

It's easy. Getting easier and easier i guess. . Emptying out your feelings. Emotions. So that i'll be able to give them a good facade.

So, i'm doing fine :)

you know

i'm actually very proud of you

School is starting tomorrow. .when i just want to rot away. . .

Things will workout somehow. That's what everyone do or say when they are just too lazy to figure out ways to deal with it. Or shall i say when people just don't know what to do with you. And they'll think that things will figure themselves out for you. Time is only what needed. Problems will melt.
At the very least, that is what i have been hearing from everyone :)

Just how can i be this tired? Great job in forcing yourself until now, SW ! :)
At least, i am proud of myself in doing so. Or should i be?

maybe i should've just disappeared . . .

The Rain

I stood there. . . And i feel the rain. It was fierce. I was glad. It was nice.

" WAKE UP ! "
" I don't want ! "

I stood there for some time. I realised some things.

The rain really just fall from the sky.

Every thunder brings more rain.

When i thought i would want to stay there longer . . But how long can i stay?

..................................

Don't wear white clothes though. I wore black :)

Tormenting pain. . . . .

. . . . . . .

Ah. . . Just felt like writing . .

I believe there's always a time or times where you wanted to be alone. To do things you wanted to. To be honest with yourself. To be "naked". ( Don't get dirty-minded ! ) . .What i mean here is to be just yourself. To let all your emotions flow without having to care the people beside you. What will they be thinking. Or how they would think of you afterward. No matter how close that person is to you. You would still want to have a time for yourself :)

Even i am used to being "naked" with my sister. . since we are born together :)
But you know sometimes. . . it's hard. Sometimes, you are too tired to think about others. Sometimes, you just want to break down for a while. The times where nothing can get into you.
You just want yourself that time.

Yea. This feeling is nice. . Everyone's not here :)

Compared to seeing your sister hugging herself in a corner , crying because you said 'pain. . "
Compared to having to know your sister didn't eat because you didn't.
Compared to seeing your brother lost his smiles just because you're different now.
Compared to hearing your mum saying " I'm sorry. . " to you just because she can't help you.

Sorry for writing all these. These are just my expressions. I'm doing well. Will update about my school when school starts next week. Take care, everyone. Please smile so that i can smile back to you :)

these are not my dreams anymore

Actually

Virtual emotionally attraction . . .

Few days ago. . I received a call that i was accepted into Singapore Polytechnic for Materials Science. I was rejected by Nanyang and Ngee Ann Polytechnic though. . This is the only choice i have.But this is not the subject that i don't like either. .I had always love Chemistry. So, that's how it goes.Applied for everything including Tuition Grant and Tuition Fee Loan. So, i've got to stuck here to repay my debts in future. . .As i thought, i can't take the easy way out in Malaysia afterall. It's good that I didn't put much hope in it. I'm too tired to think so much now. At least, i can still study. I had always love studying. I love to learn. . Although i get them all in the hard way, i won't hate studies :)

Haiz. . . Somehow i was reverted back. Too scared to be too happy now. Or shall i ask what is happy now :) ? Too scared to hope now. And basically, too scared to have emotions. Since the results weren't good when i took it all out. When i gave it my all, I received them all back. So, let's keep them half . . . it's okay even if you get them half of them back :)
I'm not as courageous as my popo afterall.

I'm still having nightmares. Since you can't make them go, might as well treat them as a part of your life :) . In there, somehow, all my emotions flow. I was so scared in it. So scared that when i wake up, still i was.I dreamt all these all over and over again. It's really unfair to show me all these now, really. . So scared that tears flow so much in it when i don't dare to run. The thing that i don't understand is that Since it's this tormenting, why that i would still prefer that i don't wake up at all. Also, the thing that i can still do is to question to the validity when i wake up right? :)

I'm growing up, i guess. . You have to listen to truths . They are all harsh ones. Even still, i accept them. This feeling wasn't nice though. It is as if i'm leaving a lot things behind. . I hate this. If can, i don't to give anything up. . I won't :)

School is starting on the 19th. .Kind of lazy . .I had been enjoying my days at home watching loads of good animes. LOL
I'll study as if i were dying. Guess i'll take up Japanese too XD
See me shine . . . And i hope i will. .


I'm sorry that i have to go

For the things that i can't bring you to see

Please see them for yourself

You have to

. tonic. . .tequila. . . vodka. .
. . . cognac. . . whiskey. . wine. . .
. . . . beer. . champagne. . . rum. . . brandy. . . .

Helping you to numb everything. . . at least for a while
I just need a while. . .

No use saying I don't want. . No use saying I want. . .
I'm just going to do it. That's how it is.

Yes. And that's all.

No more please

Sorry

I know :)

I'm forcing myself to do every single little thing.
To breathe. To live. To eat. To study.To move on.
What else do you want me to do?
I'm really tired. Really .

I'm not good at hiding.
Yet you say i hide them well behind my smiles.
Guess i'll show you a nice facade.

Don't want to hear you say " i failed as a mother. . . "

true meaning of tired. . .

Tired is that you just want to lay still,
without moving a single cell of your body,
to stop having anymore emotions that
will strain your brain and heart,
too tired to open your jaws to talk or to eat.

Only with your eyes closed,
and the feel that time has finally stopped for you.

The wish that you could sleep forever.


I wanted to write this for long. During my A levels. But back then, i decided that it is not that serious.I would still want to get up and continue.

Exactly this way now, i feel.

you see, you tore me up quite too much :)

Back From Ipoh. . . .

I miss my bed, i guess . . . Or can i say everything?

I went back to RPS for training but Sir didn't turn up that day. It's good that he rested at home though. Speaking of which, I forgot that i promised him that i would call him before i come back to singapore. Haiz. . .I miss RPS. . Those days. . . the place where i grow and learn a lot of things. . the happiest days of my life. . .the place where everything started after all. . . Happy to see my juniors, coping with their problems well, i hope :)
Managed to talk with my form teacher, Puan Fong a little. It was nice talking to her. Gave me good advices since she is the one who know where are my limits after teaching me for two years. Hope that she didn't go and spread around that i cried while talking that day. Haha. I'm so much used to crying than smiling nowadays :) You're the best teacher i've ever had, Pn. Fong !

Along these few days, i learn that things always won't go the way you wanted them. Not that you like or you want. Nothing of that sort. I talked to mum and mum taught me to be practical. You want it or not, you still have to. I think she is right. Me too. I don't want all this so much. Mum said coming back to Msia to study is very expensive ( i mean good private universities ) . I find it harder to live with family now. I always try my best in making everyone happy include my dad. But i find it so hard now. How can you do it especially when you're not? I think i have lost my old self. And it seems it affects my family a lot. I'm being grumpy all the time. Dad always make use of this and always persuade me to go back more frequently. Why must you force me to please you? Why do you always make me to feel so guilty so much? Only Me. Why not the others?
I cannot do it anymore.

It still feels tough without my popo. And this time, visiting more graves. I broke down when i saw her. I miss popo so much. Other than that, i had always enjoy cheng beng :)

I'm glad that i passed my Undang at one go at 46.
Driving lesson was ok. I was nervous and scared at first.It didn't turn out badly, i guess. I didn't believe that i was driving. Haha. . But i prefer motor. Feels free. I sucked at driving. The engine died kinda lot of times when i was at the slope.The uncle kept scolding me for not being gentle with the brake. I bet all instructors have black rotten teeth and long dirty nails. Still touch my hand summo. T__T I think someone told me this before? Sounds familiar :)
Anyway, i'm looking forward to driving lessons again.


"Ah po, I'm very scared."
"Are you lonely below? "
"Take me away with you . . "

Given what unwanted

I've been pretty down. Really down. Tears just flow too easily sometimes. Don't really like it.
Cos nothing will get any better after you cry. Cos you'll only get tired. Eyes will only burn out. The pain and stitches that you feel each time can't be erased even after you cried. I love to learn. But why must it be in a hard way? i am looking forward how things will get better soon. How i can smile more. How to make crying less painful. How that i don't have to hold back my tears when i talk to those who are dear to me. How i will feel like eating again. How i can sleep without getting any nightmares or waking up in middle of nights anymore.

Will get my Undang tomorrow. If i can pass, i can even get my L license within this week for both car and motorcycle. It's fast, huh? Cos huiwen doesn't want to come back here for long.I think i am bad at handling machines since i am always absent minded. So, scared of hurting someone. Haha. . Or mayb at this stage, Die then Die. Haha. . must warn the instructor beside me first. .I've nothing to lose now. Really.

Sorry, ah mi :)

Stitches. . .

It depends on how much or how big the wound. It takes time to recover.
The needle will pierce through you in and out, sewing the wound back.
It hurts. It bleeds. But it is sewing them back nicely.
Just that when you exert too much pressure, or when the needle just sew a little bit faster
the way you want it,
all the stitches are torn apart again.

The good thing is. . . . you're getting used to the pain each stitches made each time :)

Confessions. . .

Ah. . . I stayed awake from 4 till 7am last two nights after watching 6th Sense. It was not a scary ghost movie and in fact it's a nice one. But even the least scariest ghost movie will make me wake up in the middle of the nights. Wake up where I'll find myself imagining stuff and feeling very scared. I'll keep forcing myself to get back to sleep. I don't know. But it's abit embarrassing to admit so many things here. But no one will know. Not even my sister. Unless she reads my posts. Haha.

I grow cold easily. I often find myself snuggle to the nearest person beside me. When i open my eyes, saw that i've taken up a lot of spaces of the bed, when i moved back to my place, it seems i will accidentally make the person beside me uncomfortable and i'll whisper them sorry. Even to my mum. I'll sleep with her again when i go back. Haha. My mum sometimes will wake up and asked me " are you cold? " cos i think i woke her up by sleeping too close to her.

Even though i'm turning 20 this year, i will still gently hold onto the some parts of the clothes of someone sleeping beside me. I held my aunt's. I held my popo's. I help my sis's. And i held yours. I don't know why. But i feel better this way. Maybe this is some kind of childhood problem? I don't like it when i find no one beside me the moment i wake up. When i was a child, i often wake up to find my mum missing, leaving my sister and I in the house. Cos when mum's here, it means less beatings from dad. Even that i understand that she had to go to work. Just that that feeling is really not a good one. A reason that i won't leave anyone behind me. I will give best in waiting for them, doing everything for them.

Don't know why i'm sharing this here.

Maybe it's because i'm still saying " when i'm grown up, i'll . . . " and my friends and my family members will replied " you are not a child now, right? "

If it is, why did i ever feel like one?

i think i miss my popo slightly too much today. Or rather Myself.

How would i know that i would straightly be employed for my first job interview? Working as a part time waitress from 5 pm till 10pm. . . One hour six bucks. . Haiz. . It would seem funny. Why do i go for the interview in the first place when i don't have the mood to work? I would really prefer it to be morning or afternoon. I just want to ward off my mind during the day time. And to start work next week? I'm just making things worse. Dammit. And if i am to turn it down, how things would go after this?



I know i'll be rejected by the local universities. To go poly and waste three years? There are posibilities that i will be accepted into the polytechnics. Then go thru another three years to get my degree? I won't get into the course i want with my current results. Business? Psychology? Hotel management? HOW???? Really dying out. . . . . . . . .How would i know that i'm this useless? Sorry, bro. . . How would i know i would get such results when i can get only As and Bs back in Msia?

It's really turning me off to study. No matter how hard i try, no matter how much effort i put in, it never seems enough. My results showed that i'm not hardworking at all. And it seems i played througout these two years. Singapore is turning me off. And I don't feel like living and depending on my brother here anymore. Is it becoz that i am growing up? Can i say i want to go back to Msia to study? Let me feel like a person again, will you?

And here i am making all these excuses when others are so much more unfortunate than me, trying to cope with living, i am crying here that i am still living. Haiz. . .

It pains me so much to agree with you. The reality is so harsh that i have to agree that pain and hurt is things that will come by if we continue any longer. I'm in Singapore and you're in Msia. Meet three times a year? When things is different, i have to face. And admit. I miss you so much that it pains. I feel really lonely sometimes. You're not having it any better than me too, right?
You should be handling this better than me though.

God, if you give this life to me, make it that i will repay all my sins in the past, so that i would have a better next life. Or make someone else's life better.

I'm back :)

Things were going fine, i guess. Went out with Jasmine and HL yesterday. It was my first time going to sing k with them. Thanks for everything, guys. Thanks for helping me when i don't know how to see the Chinese lyrics. Jasmine has a great voice. I didn't know i can sing like that. Haha. . Thanks to all the experiences that i had with you. Starting to open up , i guess. .i hope. .

Going back to Ipoh soon to learn driving. The theory first. And for Cheng Beng.
News about my acceptance into the places that i have applied will come soon after i have come back from Ipoh. Will see how then. The process of application is making me mad. I have to write an essay for almost all that i have applied just to boast and to sell myself. Don't really like it. But the reality is harsh, right? The society only accepts you if you're worthy enough. And while i'm doing this, I swear that i wouldn't bring anyone to this world to suffer all this.

I'm sorry :)

If we were together ::

How's work,dear? Hope things will get better for you. . .How's sleep? Getting any better? Whatever it is, tell me kay. Let me be by your side. I want to know. Don't wish to see you suffer alone. . . . .

.......................................

It's hard. I know i can't be like this any longer. Somehow, i'm forcing myself now to go for the interview tomorrow. At least do something to distract me enough not to think anymore. As i thought, I'm not good at giving up and letting go. Just don't want to lose control over myself and find you again. Hurt you again. I'm trying hard,really. If it's what you want. I never wanted to leave. God must have a reason for making this happen. And i think i will still want you back for my next life. . next next life. . I'll find you.

What am i talking. T_______T

The End

After reading what annyen posted me. . . . I could finally understand. The seal has been broken.You did it, this time :) I could finally understand what you want now. It's very painful,yes. Understanding the way you see me all this while. And i think there's really no use now.No use explaining for myself or either way. Though i must say I really want to talk with you. Just that it seems like i would always look like the shy and small shanwen to you and you would always look like the-hard-to-talk and hard-to-accept-talk type to me. Like you said, 7 years. The happiest days of my life.

You win. I give up. But i'm really very sorry for what i have done yesterday.I could only recalled what i had done yesterday this morning when i wake up. It's been such a bother eh? To have repeat things for me so many times. Have to hurt so many times to repeat all this. It's been hard to have my friends keep scolding you. .when you only really want to do your own things. I apologize to you sincerely. I won't bug you anymore. Sorry. I don't even know if you could read this now.

Yes, i wake up. I really do, now. I have died twice. I can't avoid the pain that will eat me up eventually. You are the best bf i'll ever had. I never called you that before. But you'll always be.

I can do it. I know i can. I will learn to live for myself. And i will cry for myself. Not you anymore.

When you feel it's too good to be real, it's got to be a dream.
It is just one that i wish that i may not wake up from it.

I dreamt you alot these few weeks. Especially when i fall asleep when i'm too tired.
Everyday is different for me. Some times, i would think it' s just another day. Days pass soon enough for me to grow old, to die. Sometimes, i would be a good girl, thinking that i will wait and i can wait patiently without doing anything now. Not doing anything to hurt you. Sometimes, i would really want to get back to you desperately. Sometimes, realizing you're really not here anymore, i would feel like jumping off from my room window or just take some pills to sleep forever.
But all of it, I miss you.

I'm not selfish in anything but you for myself. I hate myself this way. Words of comfort like loving someone doesn't mean you need to have her slowly eating me up. If you don't reckon it is not an end, it wouldn't be. If you love her strong enough, she stays in your heart. If you are strong, she will be. If you still yearns , she would know. I believe her that she will.

I still directionless. . Still waiting for news to come whether i'm accepted. . But everyday had been the same. The days without you.

So, smile more. I'll just wait. Here.

Just what am i going to do now? As i thought, i really can't bear the future without you.
I don't feel like studying at all. Just want to waste off my life like that.
What's the point putting in so much effort and in the end, it's like this?
I know my brother is very worried about us. He just doesn't reveal it. It's just the end of the world for me. I just know it.

If Singapore doesn't want me, can i come to you,dear?

without you, i'm just. . . .

Self Elements: Metal, Strong
Favorable Elements: Water (1), Fire (2), Earth (2)
Unfavorable Elements: Metal
Secret Friend: Sheep, water or Earth Self element

Personality:
· Lack of creativity and imagination. (Lack of wood)
· Home personality. Rather obtuse or naïve. (only 1 fire)
· Less grounded, rash and unreliable. Not careful. (No Earth)
· Secretive and shy. Cautious in business and reserved socially. Waffle along and lose sight of opportunities. (No water)
· Hard rather than tough. Unbending rather than stubborn. Ruled by belief system and principles that have been ingrained into you since childhood. Tend to reject change or compromise. Difficult to deal with. (Strong Yang metal)
· Tend to be the type that is able to achieve their goals through hard work and efforts. Altruistic and value friendship and brotherhood and are usually strong leaders or strong characters. Lack of flexible thinking and hasty in actions. (Strong Yang metal)

......................................................................

It's just something that my brother has calculated for me. For me to choose the correct course. It looked very acccurate for me. I won't get married. I'm just glad. Haha.

I'm too strong of yang for a girl. No yin at all. I wonder whether this is the reason why i hate boys so much. I'm a boy inside. A strong one summo. I'm a Fire Horse. But my element is Metal. That's what my brother told me.

Had been staying up late at nights applying for universities. But i wonder which will accept such results. My dad kept calling and texting me. I don't dare to pick up cos i scared that i might scream at him. I'm just not in the talking mode. I'm currrently still feeling no better after the break up. So yea, had been complaining here alot. Forgive me. .

Think i'm breaking down. I don't feel like continuing my studies. .All these just changed without giving me some time to prepare for it. Why living can be this painful? What have i done?

I dreamt you dying. That crushed me even more cos i cannot even text you to see if you're ok. But, i think i would want to die after you. So that you won't have to exprience the pain of loss first. So that, you won't feel lonely waiting. You are always lonely no matter how many friends you have. So, i'll always be here, praying and waiting when you need me :)

Which FuCK told you that parents must be the first one to know their DAUGHTER's results. My dad CAlled like A million times. . I'm feeling like shit. What else you want to see? To see how useless we are? To listen to our cries and screams? In the first place, i don't even want to be here. You have the RIGHTS? If you want back the life you've given me, TAKE IT. YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO SUFFER, DO YOU KNOW !

You are not here anymore. . . . That tore me even more apart.

Anh told me love is not one sided. When you miss someone so badly, he or he misses you the same. When you can love someone so deep, that means he or she loves you as deep as well.
I believe her. Just for me to continue to believe one day that you'll come back around. Cos she said i kept on chasing while you're on the run. So, she asked me to stop so that you can have the time to rest enough for me to chase you again. I believe you, Anh. I love talking to you. .At least, you won't keep attacking me with questions that i didn't even know how to answer.

And i didn't know that you had been undergoing the same thing too. You are strong. Strong to not let him know that you're waiting although you are. That's really my everything :) Yours, too right?

I've got a C for my Chemistry. E for General paper, Maths and Physics. And D for Geography. It didn't really affect me though. Just felt bad for my brothers and ah mi who were so worried about me and my sis.My sister's results are much better than mine's. All Cs and Ds. I don't feel anything for now. But i'm happy that i'm able to cry so hard today till i felt like my eyes were bleeding. So that i can sleep easily ( i hope ) without the help of "drinks" tonight.

Thanks, Anh.

I miss you so much, my dear :) I'll always pray that you'll be always be happy and healthy.

You know, i really don't understand. . . Is it only my simplistic thinking that things look only as easy as they seem? Are we really not meant to be with each other? Why? I don't understand. . Why must we end up like this? Is it something really that can't be solved? I'm childish. Naive. Selfish to have complain so much. Why must we let go? Why not choose to face it. . . I don't understand everything.

I know i shouldn't say or probe in any more further. You have your own rights and i have mines. I hate myself to have still hold on. To have made you so pain. I don't know whether it'll heal. But, i don't want anything else. I don't want. Just one word from you. That's all.

Results coming out tomorrow. Let's see how it goes. It doesn't even matter to me anymore.


I'll always be here.

Absence

Title: 缺席
Album: 伦语录
Artist: 黄靖伦


爱 只剩下躯壳
Love left empty shell

为什么还不放手却拉扯
Why not let go but pulled

是我 不甘心还是不舍
Is me who can't accept defeat or can't let go

为何我还在固执的拔河
Why I am still stubborn tug of war

其实我 真的很难
Actually i am really very sad

过只是难过都沦为沉默
Are reduced to silence just sad

可能我 真的不懂得 让你更快乐
Maybe I really do not know how to make you feel happier

我想和你在一起 却在你未来缺席
I really want to have you in your future, but i'm absent in it

给你的爱 那些美丽 已长成藤蔓缠着我的生命
The love and beauty i gave had been vined up in my life

在你的未来缺席
Absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled


如果还有如果
if there is If

就算瞬间老去毫不犹豫
I will not hesitate to even grow old in an instant


爱 是不是都一样 无论多漫长
Love is it not the same? Not matter how long

终究曲终人散
It'll come to an end

可是 我不想因为不敢
But i don't want that i'm scared

却步沮丧然後半途收场
Deterred frustration And then give up halfway

其实我 真的很难过
Actually i am relly very sad

只是难过都沦为沉默
Are reduced to silence just sad

可能我 真的不懂得 让你更快 乐
Maybe i do not really know how to make you feel happier

我想和你在一起 却在你未来缺席
I really want to be with you But I am absent in your future

给你的爱 那些美丽 已长成藤蔓缠着我的生命
The love and beauty that i gave had vined up my life

在你的未来缺席
Being absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled

如果还有如果
if there is If

拥抱你不犹豫
I will not hesitate to embrace you

能不能将你的样子忘掉
Is there a possibility to forget your face

舍不舍得爱 让我控制不了
Love that could or couldn't let go I can't control

只想要 把你拥抱
I just want to embrace you

其实爱上一个人没有解药
There is no antidote in loving someone

我的静脉流着爱陪你到老
I will love you silently till you grow old

原来我 还会微笑
To my amaze, i can still know how to smile

我想和你在一起
I really want to be with you

却在你未来缺席
But i'm absent in your future

在你的未来缺席
Being absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled

如果还有如果
If there is If

就算瞬间老去毫不犹豫
I wont hesitate to grow old in an instant


I still trust you, you know :)
I still want you. Forever is my promise to you.

Please. I'm not saying all these to you, dear. You should know. I will never hate or blame you for all these. I appreciated it. That you seem better and in less pain now. Glad. So, you are not the sinner.

I just hate it. I HAte myself even more for not accepting what they said to me when they meant for my own good. Even you. I hate it when you asked me to move on so many times when i don't want. . I just don't want to listen anymore. I won't talk anymore. I'll just write here. I shouldn't spoil their day. It pains to talk. You should know. I'll carry all the sins.

Just let me pain. You don't have to repeat so many times for my sake. I want to pain. I want to hold on. And i don't want to move on. So, it's not your fault. Don't ever think that i will scold you like that or talk like that here to you. You should be able to understand me well enough now. I don't even know how to get mad or angry with you although I want to hate you so much so that i can let go to make you feel better.

Whatever it is, I will pain for those who asked me to let go in the past. And when it has happened, i can't help but i'll make them the sinners.

I'm going crazy. JUSt let me be. Thanks and take care always :)

I'm losing my mind. . .

" Do you still mad at me? "
" i don't know "

That was my first nightmare when you requested a three month break back in September. You didn't answer yes or no. But rather you said you're not sure. I was so scared. Really scared when you're not sure. Cos i was so scared so scared that you don't really care anymore. I was so afraid that i might lose you that time. Did i ever tell you?I was only hoping hard that the three months will pass quickly.
That's the ony thing i can do that time besides concentrating on A levels.

I already did. I've lost you this time. I don't know how to handle. Cos in the first place, i don't even have the slighest idea that i should be prepared for this.

How dare you wished that we broke up? And you say that i will be able to handle and will soon be better in a year or two? You think i will be better? You think this is what good for me? You think that she is not good for me? Is that not what i should be judging?

Do you know how hard is it to breathe? Do you know how hard is it to stay living? When i can just act ignorant and gobble down some medicine just to make me sleep forever? I have most of the time at home, alone. When huiwen is out.

Just what is this god? What have i've done to make you so angry? It pains me to death. Don't think that i will get better when i don't want in the first place. So, don't think that you have done good deed by asking me to let go. Now that i have done it, i'll make it sure that it has become your sin. Your sin to have made my life REALLY RUINED now.

I've nothing to lose now. Bring it on.

This year's CNY was the worst, i guess. . . . .but i'm happy that i managed to clean the whole house. . all clean and tidy. . throw alot of stuff. . and i thought i'll be getting asthma soon for all the dust. But, finally, three weeks is going to end soon. Going back to Singapore this coming friday. Mum and dad doing fine. Except that the house is alot more silent without my popo anymore. Mum caught me crying alot. That's bad. Don't want her to worry me so much. Plus, i am bad at lying. Can't blame me, right? It's like everything reminded me of her. February the 11th and the 14th. My worst nightmares.I stayed close to my mum at nights.

It's a difficult phase that i am having here. So much decisions to make. And i really don't like making them. I don't know how to do things because of myself. I can't find a reason T____T. So, i think i'll just go by any path that my brother shows me. But not physics. I don't even know what i want to do. Die. I have to choose my course and apply for universities straight after my results. I'm praying hard. T____T
My subject combition is already weird. Geography and Chemistry. HAiz. . . .Lesser options for me in Singapore's local universities. Better for huiwen, maybe? I found out that i don't really like teaching. Haiz. . . .And i don't want to study overseas beside singapore. Not Australia. Not Taiwan. I would rather . . . . . NO. I will make a choice for myself this time.

At first, i thought we won't ended up meeting each other some time in future. But I'm glad. Thanks to God that i can see her for the last time. Although hurt and pain is the only thing i can get. Thanks. I have missed her very much. I know yook woon would kill me if she sees this. It's my first time seeing her so mad that she pulled me to the toilet and scolded the hell out of me that day. She nearly slapped me T____T
I was actually praying that shuyun will come in and save me out. Haiz. . She didn't. How can i explain that i don't know how to think for myself? How can i explain that i will still wait and hope even if i break? How to explain that even i am disgust and irritate at myself for making you all feel this way? I AM DISGUTING. I hate myself.
I don't dare to scold her back. LOL
But hugging someone and cry hard is the best feeling i got for now. Seeing her make me more certain, that I will wait. Yes, i will.

You looked fine and i am glad. I wouldn't want to barge into your life anymore even if i wanted it cos you're better off without me :) Slightly more expressive at least. Won't keep things to yourself anymore, i hope.

You promised me to bring me to see fireworks, remember ?

Few years back, i still remembered myself asking syikin, what if you are not in my life anymore?
She didn't answer me and in fact she asked me not to think about that. And i really thought that it won't happen.

Yes, it won't :)
Cos you are still in my life . If not for hope, who am i?
And why am i still standing?

"I really wanted to be with you. . . .

but i am absent in your future"

Guessed that i have been missing you very much.

I should have just go die. Why didn't i die that day?

Things i have learnt

Here are the things i know for sure :

When you think you're right, you are most likely wrong.
Things that break - be they bones,hearts or promises - can be put back together but never really be whole.
And in spite of what i have said, you can miss a person you've never known nor understand.

I learn this over and over again, evey day i spend without you.

Since she is in so much pain, since you have given her so much hurt and make her life much more difficult for her to cope with, and since you have said before that you would let go if she ask, why do you still keep pestering and holding on or whatever you are doing now? if you have said so, just endure the pain yourself. Just pain yourself and it would be enough. You tried asking her back is just a way to show what you have said about being contented as long as she is happy is just a total lie. A failure.

It is just that she left me this year when i have a hell of a lot time in which i was looking forward to spend more time with her . It is just that i thought that i can spend her birthday with her without fail. It is just that she left me feeling worthless for the world. It is just that i can only start my studies in another half a year. It is just that she left me darn lot of time thinking rubbish at home. It is just that whatever i do, I dont feel the need anymore. I'm starting to hate even the smell of alcohols. And it is the only thing that can make me sleep when i'm at home. That makes me attached to it. And the amount i need to make me sleep is getting more and more. I hate the reek of myself after drinking. I don't want to wake up. I want to cry but i couldn't anymore.

My house electricity went out and memories came in flushing. I just hate it. Hearing from those who said it's good since ' we all can't even see that she is in a relationship with you from the beginning. We have advised you to cut it yourself, right? Now, you suffer. . . . . " Why must i listen to all this now? Am i not suffering enough already? yea, i'm stupid. I chose to trust her for not telling me this and suffer together. I'm asking this. So, serve myself right.

It's good now that i forgot. I forgot happy. I forgot hurt. I forgot pain. i forgot hate. It's too painful to feel.

I don't like to say it in any ways, but i think i must be tired. Too tired to feel anything.

Ah. . How long has it been for me to feel so free? It was such a nice feeling to ride on a bike wandering around my popo's house.

I'm back in ipoh for CNY and have started cleaning the house for a while now. Haiz. . And i thought i would be feeling better and better, it turns out to be. . . . . i don't know myself. Such mixed dreadful feelings that i want so much to fix it to make myself to feel better. Beyond despair. I feel stupid for feeling this way.

Friends, don't comfort. Cos i will feel that you are only making yourself to feel better just to say some words to me. Things won't get any better. I don't need you to remind me that nothing can be done nor be changed anymore. LOL
Cos people will feel like punching you for talking all these. Although i know you guys are concerned and understand about my situation? I will still feel like you guys don't, really. It is especially important when you want to comfort your friends after taking their results ( in which their results are not what they want ) . So, dont comfort. Cos things can't be changed anymore. I know. That's why my friends and I do not intend to ask for each other's results or to try to do anything when we have our results in a few weeks time T___T Miss you so much, HL . thanks for the warm hug you gave me everytime we meet. All the best for our results !

I'm glad that i choose to talk to my friends. Even though you guys are not close to me, even though i didn't tell my mum the whole story ( cos i want my mum to stop mentioning the name), I feel better. My mum said " you reap what you sow and it is you who choose the path "
Yea, it is me who choose to tell friends, to share my sadness and stuff. You didn't. So, don't ask me not to compare my pain and yours when I didn't even compare. The feeling of pain is just the same. Heart breaking and torturing. When you feel like im comparing and ask me not to compare, you're actually comparing mine and yours, not me.

I want to suffer, friends. Don't comfort, really. Promise you that i won't hurt myself.Thanks for listening and sorry for making you guys worry ^ ^. All the best yea.

Thinking of finding a job soon after taking my results XD Hope and pray hard that i'll get one.


don't play tricks with me, god.

Hey. . .

I know you didn't lie. All this while you didn't. What you said in the past and now is always true. You have said it a lot of times.
I'm just a coward who is too afraid of rejection to see anything except what those around me say.
So, don't take all the blame on yourself.

It was pain. Too much to be bearable. I took sleeping pills and alot alot alcohol. I just don't want to wake up anymore. But ended up waking up in the middle of the nights and days. I wonder how much does it really takes to die. Really must eat up a whole bottle? And i thought if you're going through all this for so long, i'm very sorry. I really don't feel like waking up at all. It's tearing me up waking up every morning, realising you're not here anymore.

You have the warmest hand i've ever want to touch. You have the most comfortable shoulder that i think i want to die for it. When you said, "you are my everything. ", it has became my reason of existence. Yet, you're in so much pain. Please, don't ask me to let go. I won't do that.

When i said whatever i have said below, i don't even know whether i can do it.

Just one word from you. One word will do. And i'll do whatever it takes to come back to you. Remember that. You're not alone. Not suffering alone. I'll be there. Don't get lonely. Don't think that you have lost me. Cos i never wanted to leave your side no matter what i have said.

To my dear :)

I'm unwantd anyway. . i'm abandoned again. In the first place, i don't even know why she had wanted me. I only know how to ask for her care, ask for her happiness. . This should not be something new to me anymore. She has done this to me many times without her realising it.

My brother even approved of us, do you know that?

He's right. Does it make any differences ? It's just the word " break up". You are not there always when i need you. Not there for me to hug. I wanted you to say things when you didn't. Wanted you so mcuh to hold me when you didn't. You can spend money to go to Singapore just for Cosplaying. But not me. Can't you see?

Even if i'm near you, I'm associated with your uneasiness. Yet, you claimed we are too far apart? I'm doing all my best, can't you see? I thought i could lend you my shoulder anytime you want. But you pushed me away. SO, it's just nothing. From now on, i have nothing to lose except myself. I have just lost my reason to smile. That's all. I'm still me.

I'm glad that i am of use anyway. I made her strong huh.

I thought she wouldn't realise it. I knew this day would come. I had realised it many months ago.But i do not intend to wake her up.

She did not explain it well though. What did i do that make you hurt? I'm just asking the basics. Cares. . attention, thoughts.. all those. Why didn't you feel that the pain you have gone through are the pain that i'm went through too? Why does she feel that she is the only one in pain? Why does she feels that i'm the one always hurting her? Why didn't she realise that it was her that made me change? In fact, i just changed to want her much more to myself. And yet i let myself unprotected to allow you to hurt me so much. I allow myself to held high hopes on her.

" What you don't like about it, i will CHANGE ". You told me this in the past. This was a LIE also right? You told me that you would love me till the end of the world. It was another lie. Please use better words.

I would admit that we should have broken up earlier since we had not yet let each other " SEE the REAL " each other yet. I'm not open up to you and you knew that. You are more open up to your "friends" when you claimed that i'm your girlfriend. Don't deny that. You don't even dare to let me hurt.

Don't you dare look down on me. You think i would do what you say? Forget you huh? Maybe the day i die? I would be happy if it's the case. You would be the only one i love in my life. That was also something i have said in the past. It will always be the same. So, take your time. I wouldn't blame if our line of thoughts is different. I don't agree what you say and you don't agree mine's. But i chose to suffer and hurt. I would be there for you till the end of the world. That's my promise and i would DO IT.

I would be the finest girl when you see me the next time. I wouldn't be the one who will be asking you questions anymore. I would then have the real strength to protect you for your whole life. When i'm ready, i will find you again.

So, don't say sorry when i don't hold any grudges against you nor do i feel what you're doing is wrong. You just choose not to suffer anymore. I'm glad you did cos i know i wouldn't have the will to do that on my own. I tried to ask you back then was my selfishness.


I will wait for you.

In my heart

You don't have to be perfect to belong in this place

You can climb the highest mountain if you want

or quitely imagine that you might someday.

You can take chances or take safety nets, make miracles or make mistakes.

You don't have to be composed at all hours to be strong here.

You don't have to be bold or certain to be brave.

You don't have to have all the answers,

or even know who you want to be . . . .

Just take my hand

And rest your heart

And stay awhile with me.

First post of the year . . .

Ah. . a year has passed.

My sister went for tkd training. Just feel like blogging for while.

I'm starting up the year by going for a trip to Taiwan. Just me and my sister with only some research data and maps. LOL. Kinda brave of us. That's what i think ^^ Let's see how things go. Let's follow the flow. We're going to some earthquake prone areas. I'm very excited to exprience REAL earthquakes. As a geography student, it should be something to look forward.

I scolded my sister for making a fuss with death. Saying about dying so easily. ( i think she wants to commit suicide there ) . . haiz. . how much more i need to do so that she could change? how much more i need to do so that she'll see life differently and make her life happier?
Don't say of dying so easily. You are the one who taught me. It repeats right?
We are born to suffer. And I don't believe God will make us suffer the UNSUFFERABLE. It's something that we need to endure in this life to repay our pastlife's debt. If we don't suffer enough this present life, it'll be made to much worse in our next life.

That's what i think. So, don't say die so easily. You don't have the privilege to avoid all these. Just suffer them. I believe things will get better. You are the one who taught me to think this way indirectly. So, please. Suffer and endure. Don't think and do stupid stuff. They are rubbish. Remember? You told me that and stopped me from taking medicine.

Nonetheless, let's see if i'll die in an earthquake. LOL. Since i'm in pain also :)
So God, let me die.


Scared