What I am

It was harder and harder to find someone to talk.

I don't even know what should i talk about. . . .
Will you really find a way out after that? Does it matter if you feel better after that?

Do i really don't look like how am i supposed to be?
My sister told me i'm really great at faking. . As in how i usually look to you guys? What do you usually feel when you're with me?

I'm a cheerful, happy-go-lucky, friendly, cute, very helpful . . . anything else?
That's what i had been hearing from everyone else. Try to probe in further. And detest me, please.

The fact that even I detest myself so much.

How do you know if i'm really " smiling" when i smile?
How do you know if i'm alright even though i said I am?
How do you know if every word that comes from my mouth are not lies ?

I don't even know if i'm lying to myself or anyone. It was hard. So hard to do anything . . at all.

And to be scarier, I don't even know if i mean what i'm saying here T___T

It is just that i am too sensitive for a person. I feel what other's feel easily. I care like a thousand times more for others rather than myself. Cos i'm happy doing so. I feel caring for others are caring for myself.

What is the feeling? I mean you would have the urge to put yourself first before others? My case is too extreme. Why isnt there anyone to teach me how? In that way, I won't have to depend on others to feel.

Sorry i'm writing all these rubbish. I just don't know how anymore. Or turning crazy soon although i don't seem to look like it XD

God, please help me.