Ouch.

I am just . . .new nahs :)

My sister told me that we are of the same soul. Different person.

Let's see how things go :)

~ 26 14 9 14 9 8 18 6 ~

Meng hao

Menghao,

Dont do this ok? I know i have no right to ask you to do anything. This is your own business. But like what i said to you just now. Those tears that flow when i am with you . . There were for myself. Cos i feel my pain. . Unable to concentrate on my semester exams, have to settle dad's debt and with him keep advancing while i was together with you already . .Those tears . There were for myself.

The tears that flow just now were meant for you . It will be painful seeing someone you love slowing moving away from you. Spending time with others and not you. I feel your pain. And yet what you told me hurts deeper. "As long as you're happy. . " " when people bully you, tell me .. "

" When you feel troubled, find me .." What the FUCK.

Just fuck myself really. . I have nothing more to say. I dont deserve you. You are not my back up plan. Think for yourself and please ask me to fuck off from your life. I dont leave people. People leave me. And yet . . I left you. .Why didn't you held me tighter in the past?! Why didn't you try to understand further when i want you to? Why didn't you . . !!! So that i don't need to see the hurt you hide when you smile and ask me if i am okay for your care and concerns.

I am not going to do anything to decrease my guilty towards you.. or to make you feel any better. . At least, all i can do now. . is just hurt for you. Nothing more. .

Meng hao

be happy

I can do it :)

I wonder how would Hao react later . . or shall i wonder how much i should tell him. As much till i feel i am fair towards him, i think. . Sinner. That's what i am. What's more to say?

BUT WHAT WILL HE DO LATER... ARRGGGGGH

I am praying hard. Ah po , grant me strength, ok?

Li jie. .dont do this ok? I am uncomfortable. You keep giving me stuff. You made me sin more when i already have. It is already eating me up inside. .

Why was i feeling so down on my way back . . when i will be seeing you tomorrow ? =="

Hmmm . . my sister said you liberated different aura now. . you smiled :)

Told ya ..

people will fall in love with your smile :)

Mixtures . .what products would these reactants produce?

I won't say today was the worst day of the year . . But it was indeed a memorable one for me :)

Thank you boy ko . . and ah sou. . for everything . . Thanks for making it so much easier for me . .I feel bad. Even though i should say i should know how to handle my stuff now . . But i need my brother, ah sou and huiwen to be there. Thanks ! I wouldn't feel bad bringing him up anymore. Somehow one part of me know that you guys dowan me to go into love again because of what happen before :)

There is just too much stuff in my mind now .. A mixture of emotions . .

Those who harp on the future always tend to forget the present. As for me, i dont like to make predictions. Predictions and projections are different. I would project far to see if a relationship works :)

I knew it too . It would be painful for short term . I experienced that before already :)

But all i know. . as for now . . I am scared to lose you. . Can i really take you as a friend?

Hmmm. . . But in my opinion, when a friend can do much more, i would like to be :)

I would like to be there for you when you need me. I would still want to make you happy. .listen to you and all.

I was really happy to receive ferrero from you . . Really happy when you said that you'll face it with me . . The assurance you gave me was most comforting. I am not a person whom can be comforted easily. I don't accept comfort easily. I was shocked when i felt better just now . . Mostly people just can't do that to me. Even my sister.

Am i saying too much? I dont know. I will just say what i want to say. I am just Shanwen ^^

I promise to myself now that i would search myself for an answer. I will not backout like last time without fighting.

ps: I really dont mean to make you pain at all. Sorry again :(

So near

Yet so far

I am tough !!!!

Because you made it clear, I am grateful. Very.

Because you gave me no words, I am less painful. Very.

No need to feel sorry cos i feel sorry too for making you feel this way.

No need to say thank you cos i feel thankful too for all sweet bitter memories that colors my dull life . . ^^

Talked to mum and these days i realized i talked much lesser compared to the past. . . I listened to my mum and my sister more. . Those were times where I can talk and talk non-stop even the tiniest insignificant stuff . . Talk to make ppl understand me more. .so that i can understand them more in same way ^^ I am an expressive person. And i think i still am now. Just lesser after those fuckin HELL days ... Fuck it.

But KM, I thank you. If not for you, I wouldn't be here where i am standing now :)

But i really do still hope people would enjoy talking with me and i would make their day great just as they are make mine's . . . ^^

I hope these days end. .as in i am tired repaying your debts, dad. . I didn't even have the chance to touch and even know what fuck you have spent on. . Just have to keep hearing from my beloved aunties that you asked how much from them . . asking me not to worry and all . .

I thought it is not the right time for me to work. As in i thought it is only time for me to study. .not concentrating on finding money.

I know you owe me nothing, brother. .and you didnt make a promise to me too, but give me a call at least? . . . HAhahahaha. . let me know at least you're okay :) I pray hard that you are.

But deep down, I know you'll be doing good. You are tough. We are tough. We are from the same training ground and you went through longer and tougher ^^ miss you, brother. . Dont you worry about your sis here. Hope you will reply my message. Or did you receive it ? ==''

Had a eleven hours sleep today !!!! Wow. . . How long has it been since i really sleep like this . . I was holding on to the phone.. but to no avail .. I couldnt even feel it vibrate ==

You wont know that you are good at something you dont know. Good one =)

Dont be afraid :)

Longings . .

My mum came to Singapore and i missed her super lot . . I wanted to just lay beside her, watch her sleep . .talk and continue to talk with her :)

I love you so much mum XD

.............................................................

Is it the right thing to do? As in to give in to your desire . . What if you are swallowed up by it?

Thank you for the pleasant night :)

I didn't know looking at moon with someone . . feels so different . . .

Longings . . . Yearnings . .What are your longings? :)

I longed for something that i can find in you :)

I don't want to change anyone.

You are you :)

Stone cold . . .

I wanna stone cold :D

Fear. Disgust. Hate. Love. Empty.

Leg hurts. Back hurts. . . . or rather Tired !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight's my shift. . F life. .

Or rather am i complaining too much compared to the unfortunate Japanese? That's why i hate to complain. Even here.

Am i doing the right thing?

Thanks for telling me pain when you are . .

You didn't hide it like me . I am true to all but I am only true to myself here lol

............................................

Is it a correct thing to do? To get close to someone whom you have hurt? Is it to ease their pain or to make yourself feel better? i dont really know. But i like spending time with people. . with my friends. .My friends and I talked that way too. What if i unknowingly give you the tiniest hint of hope again? I have been in your shoe before. I am trying hard to make the pain least painful for you. Or am i really prolonging the pain instead ? I dont know what i am doing . . You are a really good companion :)

The answer to your question : Different. But both feels good to me. I am a sinner.You are a really good friend to me. You make me feel at ease. A run away. But that is not what i am finding for. In love. Not a run away =)

Black is just a color. Good one =D

Is your heart stronger than your mind?

Mine's heart.

Reminiscence . . .

I miss my old room :)

It had become my nephew's room. lol

Whenever i woke up, or i stayed up overnight . .

The first thing i ever do was to walk towards the window. .

Draw away the curtains and open the windows wide.

Feel the morning cool breeze flow in and take a deep breathe of the morning.

If my hair smells good, it will add in some good feelings =)

Feel the leaves and wish them : " Hey good morning ... "

And the leaves reply me : "A good day to you , sw . . . "

And a good day shall it be :D

Why did i forget all these simple pleasures of life?

There are things that i should and there are things i shouldnt remember

I must find them all back. Those lost memories that i once lived before :)

reminiscence

Learning . . .

What i have learnt today :

- I gave out the feelings that i won't hurt anybody even if i wanted to. But when i really did. That person will be very devastated and will come to hate me :)

- I have a very stable unbending heart that Anh salute me for :)

- Joy told me it's okay to do things that you feel like doing. But you cannot regret later on for doing them. Cos you made a choice at that moment :)

- Don't become the "Prisoner" of your THOUGHTS :)

- When people said they live a meaningless life - no goal. That's bullshit. You live finding that goal. That reason. When you leave the world, you said " Ok. I found it. . ." :)

- Take things as they come. Don't go back to your past. Even a second back. Don't go future either cos you won't know. Live present :)

- There is no basis for love. :)

- When I am just me, why the hell i need to think so much? :)

All very easy to say . . let's see how well i can carry them out.

I am just shanwen

Breathe ...

How well do you see yourself ? Or how well you know yourself ? If you "stand out" and look at yourself in other's eyes. .

What kind of person are you? What feelings do you give out? What impression you give others when they first interact with you? Or how would they feel when they got along with you longer? When are you wearing a mask or when you are not?

I can't see . . myself =(

But if i am seeing it in another way, I am searching for self-identity. I hope it is normal for this (my) phase of life ..

I nearly lose it. I dont want to say words to hurt you when you meant well. I respect you. Do you really think that i have no temper? At all? How does a ReAL NO sound like? I dont want to be like my sis . . Her NO is selfish, though not self-less. .Hurtful but able to convey her message. She won't even need to feel sorry for herself.

But i am figuring hard. Learning the hard way on how to say NO. Even to myself.

But i have to learn fast. And right ! Things wont stop for you. The world continues to spin and the life goes on.

So . . when i lose myself again. I must learn how to breathe. Breathe. Internalize. At least have a song's time :)

Breathe and search for my soul.

The right place for myself

Rage

Care and concern kills.

A request from me

Let me know.

And i beg you let me go and lose this comfortable friend.

When i can no longer be. Okay?

..............................

I can find no limit for myself.

Desire

Who hasnt been ambushed by a desire that strikes with such abrupt force that it becomes nearly impossible to hide its presence, let alone resist being yanked into whatever direction it wants us to go?

When you want to lie to others, you must learn how to lie to yourself first.

I wont say it again. But i dont mind repeating as many times as i can so that my words really got into you :)

I don't know why i feel such relief after i told you yesterday. . It is more of like . .

" Finally, sin. . you have done it :)

You finally fight for what you want. ."

What's more that you want me to say or do?

I already said so much yesterday. I wont simply said words that i dont mean.

I am always careful with my words.

It is not that i purposely said words to hurt you yesterday. But did you realize i had the same pain when you asked me to delete all your messages?

Feel from my words.I mean every single of them. You made me clear of what i want. Doubt me no more, ok?

I ran and i ran so much today . .while i am trying to clear you off my mind.

And how successful i am . do you think? Zero. You remained :)

For all those that i have missed, i just dont want to miss anymore. Also I dont want you to go anymore.

Can you come to me? That is if you want to. Anytime. I am here, always :)

It's your turn now. I had mine's . I will selfishly advance. And i think i will continue to.

Yes. i dont know you. But i would want to know you more :)

I wont block you away anymore.

................................................

My leg felt so like jelly and there's a time when my machine-mode is on while i was playing badminton. Flick as hard as i could. Aim the shuttle. Forget my legs. Forget my arms. Forget my tiring eyes. I gave myself fake promises. That's how i learn my patience and my not-giving-up attitude.

And yea that's how i injured my leg ==

Till i nearly blackout today. . cos i havent eat anything since 9 in morning ==

不能放下吗? 真的要放弃？( LJ)

He told me that there is a difference between these two. Give up is more cruel. Yet i chose that. Cos to me, letting you go is much more cruel to myself.

He told me that what if he forced me to do let go and be friends?

" When i cant even forced myself to.

How can you? . . . "

I want so much to go over to you

Vampire diaries is all about love stories that seem real to me. Where i think it's bullshit in real life.

But lying down on my soft-too comfortable bed with my sister. .

I feel like i just dont want to wake up from it. I want to keep dreaming about vampire diaries on and on . . just while i rest peacefully on my bed. Forever.

My heart beats so fast these days . . .

I know now. .

didnt know my heart will scream again.

Is it because it is ripping up bit by bit?

It is because the thread i used to sew my heart broke?

Or that my sewing was that bad? The needle i use not sharp enough?

I scream when i really cry. And i just did in the lab just now :(

I am so sorry. I was about to say the same thing. Dont like me just because i am pitiful.

Dont love me out of sympathy. Dont like me because i like you.

Even though i have let you know . .it still dont feel like it. But it certainly makes me feel better. Is it because i have known what i really want? I want you? And i dont want you?

But one thing for sure. When i have my nap, i saw her. I missed her. My popo.

I shouldn't forget. How can i forget something so important?!

When she was blind and couldn't see a thing at all. .when she took a step forward using her walker, wasn't she afraid about what's ahead?

Why did i stop conquer my fear of darkness?

So from now on. I won't . I will take STEPS forward as bravely as her without closing my eyes :)

Head hurts. Heart hurts. Body hurts. Breathing hurts. Eyes hurt.

But with each hurts i grow stronger.

But i pray hard. So hard that you wont have this, sis. It's really painful. Be smart.

I can even predict what you'll be wearing. Like today.

Scary.

How pain can it be when it is only 36 days?

Oh my god. . what did i just do? My eyes. .OMG i laughed at the instand i look myself in the mirror. .

I woke up in the middle of the night again . .

...............................................

To: mingz

Sorry, man. .Wasnt really thinking when i call you. I lacked sleep. Shouldnt have said all those. When i woke up, i was clear. Though my head hurts. lol
I know what i want. I just want you to be happy ^^

And if what you said was true. . I am a blade to you, i would back off. I realised i am the one should when i am the one keep asking you to. To make life easier for both of us. I am praying hard that i'll be able to do it ^^ And i know i can. I always do. Doing things of the opposite liking is always what i had been doing. And i'll do fine.

I'll do fine. Please erase me from your life. After the spice training, I would try to eliminate myself from your life. That is also what i had been intended earlier not till you made me to promise that i would not avoid you when i am back. Take care and all the best in your life. Promise me to be happy , alright? ^^

I am glad that i have

met you too :) You made me know what i am and you turned me weak. LOL I dont like that :D

p/s : I had always see you as you :)


Sin

..................................

I'll do fine.

How pain can it be when it is only 36 days?

I like you and it's true :)

I mean it

Walao eh . . .

I thought i was thinking too much when i could feel all those -ve feelings from you . . .

Opposites ~

I came across a simple book in a children's lib :)

"The opposite of tall is short.

The opposite of new is old.

The opposite of pretty is ugly.

The opposite of big is small."

That's all very well said. I see everything has opposites.

But one thing that i don't understand.

What is the opposite of me ?

I am just me :)

if you really know the meaning of ferrero rocher :)

Someone told me i should take caution when it comes to love. . .

No worries. My defense is there. But be careful . Okay? Please?

Cos once you go in. There's no way out.

Or that you have to break your way out.

my heart that has sealed your presence is my sin. Sorry

You just failed to change my mind when i prayed so hard that you would that morning.

You wont know how it feels when

you're hurting someone you dont wish to hurt at all.

you saw him trying so hard just to have one more time.

you heard him called your name in the distance.

you had to run away when he tried to catch you.

you just had to go.

I shall swear i never do it again.

It bleeds. Not much. Cos i've bled much more. Till i feel just no more significance.

Told you

I just dont know how anymore . .

Dont make me look like a player when i am not one. Hate it.

Why?

Why did it look so much that i leave you because of the other?

Why can I laugh from my heart so much today?

Why can i enjoy my today so much to the extent i feel so sinful?

Why can i not shed a tear?

Why today i feel so touched that no words could express?

Hopeless.

But somehow, your heart tells you so :)

Come as it may,

I embrace it all....

Tomorrow . . . is the day.

I am really going back to Singapore. . . Dad's debt settled to a huge extent. Lucky that i prepared more. Huiwen cried inside the shop. I wanted too. It was rather ridiculous. Absolute stupidity for us to have the concern over this. "We dont need to settle..." That is what huiwen told me when she cried. And as a sister, you have to be firm and all. There are things need to be settled no matter how much you dont want to. When your sister cry, YOU cant. When she is scared, YOU must be STRONG.

I made the decision the instant i stepped inside the bus. It was obvious and yet blurry. I know what i want. Just that i'm not used to ask. I dont ask. In my entire life. Not even Myself. Not even my parents. I dont ask anything from them. And I dont know whether it is a good thing or not when i do it. I am not used to hurt others. If can, i would really swallow up everything. Rewind to a year back, where i got up in the middle of the night to find that i was still breathing. I should have end it again. Back then. To the selfish me. To have not include those who held me dear into the picture. Sorry. I am, really.

I am no machine. I will tired. I will sad. I will hurt. So much wished that i am now. So that i wont have the feeling of not wanting to wake up everyday to face all. ALL over again. Have you ever afraid of getting yourself sufficient rest? I am. Till now.

I am no despo. But i need rest. I WANT TO REST. Can i rest on you? Can i just stopped thinking about everything? Just you?

Grant me the strength, popo. I missed you, greatly.

I'm scared. Very.

Omg. It's gonna to hurt like hell.

I want to live as a butterfly...

I didnt know the day would come again. Whereby i would need to come here anymore. I don't like to blog. But i do love to keep memories. Bad or good ones. These are what built me. But thanks, God. I didnt need it for the past few months :)



Things were so complicated and confusing for me for the past two weeks. And i am really glad that i made a run-away back to Ipoh. I had my "time" to listen. To feel. Separated from both of them that i hold dear. That i would want to make life less painful for them because of me.
Mum had been really understanding. She must be shocked enough after getting to know all these. Sorry mum. I am not strong. I cant smile always for you. I love you, mum :)


I dont like to be seen through. Too insecure. But yet . . . why you . . .? I dont understand. My damn heart yearns for all these understanding and strength I need in life. I'm so darn tired. You have violated my territory and i am losing here. My defense. I dont really know you. And you dont know me, too. But why . . I dont understand. I dont want to understand anymore.


As for you,you dont give me the "feel" or that you choose not to let me to? I need them, boy. I feel comfortable with you and i really cared. I am sorry. I liked you. But you dont seem to understand. You dont know what you want. Learn well, boy. Learn from this. I am going to teach you. It hurts so much. Damn it. I pray hard that you will feel as little pain as you may, i will endure all. My sins. I am not as good as you might think afterall. I am a sinner, what's more there is to say? Hate me. Pray hard that i could bring myself to hurt my dear you.

A butterfly's life that looks so fragile to me. Easily crushed, that's how i like it. Yet so elegantly beautiful and charming. I want it too.

I dont deserve life afterall.

Cos i dont know how ....

Anymore