How hard or how easy for me to speak such words out from my mouth. To the love of my life..
Hard when he is the best of everything in your life if I am to rate anything in my life. Hard when he is the reason I have so much colors and beautiful memories in my life. Hard when he is the reason for me to love a guy . I had never had such strong feelings for a guy before. So much harder when he is someone that has never fail to be there for me no matter what. Hardest when he is the someone that has never let you go no matter how many times I choose to leave and give up on the relationship....
Easy when I don't have to feel any more sadness or disappointments. Easy when I don't have to hurt and be hurt. Easy when I don't have to keep trying to understand or guess his thoughts.. Easy when I don't have to expect attention or physical touch from him anymore. Easy when I don't have to reach out anymore. Easier when I don't have to care. Easiest when I know we don't have to keep coming back to the same thing over and over again.
It's always easier to let go than holding on. And yet you chose to hold on each time. This is what makes me fall for you over and over again each time... :)
Thats why this time I tell myself. I am not going to do this to you again. I am not going to come back to you and hurt you and myself again. I am not going to come back to the same thing again. Where only unhappiness await for both of us. Time has already proven it. Our relationship has always been about arguments. I had finally understood Why do people leave when they still love the other person so much? Why did they walk away.
I have been telling my friends when they asked me : "Hows you and ur bf?" .. My reply would be: "Oh, we still argue till no sky no land. It's like eating rice for us. But we are all good :) " The argument did make us feel stronger for each other.
At least that's what all these arguments had done to me. When you never fail to be there. My feelings for you grow stronger each time. Till it became out of my own control. Till it started to feel one sided when our love doesn't balance up. When it feels tilted for me. And all that I do is to add on pressure on you to balance it better. I will start to complain all over again. Why did I have to ask so much? Why did I have to ask my own boyfriend to love me back as much?
Isn't it my own problem to have put too much on the scale? To allow it to tilt one side too much?
I saw this at his blog:
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To love or to be loved? Why matter? =)
If the stronger left wing flap and fly too high, and the weaker right wing cannot catch up, will the bird still be able to fly? I wonder if the old man knows
But its in my nature to give than to take. To give as much as I can. And now that I know. I do not wish to love again.
That's why from the start I tell you when you asked me what type of guy I am looking for.
"I am looking for someone that will love me more than I love him..."
But each i had always fail. There's no exception to this time as well.
But then again. This is one of the things that I can be very proud of myself :)
I am glad. I am glad that I love you fully without holding back.
I am glad that even though we come to this.
I am still glad I did.
9.15.15.5.5.6
I am in no position at all to give you any sort of comforts or peace in your mind and your heart. I am in no position to pray anymore for your good health, your happiness and your life. This will be my final piece of love for you :)
I am not giving you any answers. I am not going to do this again