On a very fine Thursday afternoon...

It has been really long since i take breaks like this...Huiwen went out :) Good time to blog :)

This term looks good to me...Hope i can really do well this time and pull my GPA back up again...I have to admit that i am abit tired of studying...but i still do love to learn new things... One of the reasons why i dowan to go to uni..dun have the heart to chiong for studies liao...scared later i cannot cope in university just like in A levels...very disappointing results no matter how hard i try... Let's see on my Diploma graduation day ! I shall concentrate on my goals ! Adv in Polymer Tech ! and Masters ! Everyone saying Degree is much more secure...But in my situation, i think Adv is better for me.. I have to step out of the comfort zone !!! be confident enough that i can do this !

I have better control of my emotions lately :) I really glad..I cried less now..But sometimes, i just let them flow cos my heart hurts..the 'slicing feeling'....As much as i hate it, it reminds me that i am human :) i have feelings and emotions.. Not a machine..I can complain as much as i allow myself to..I don't give a damn to others when they say i am weak..Complaining and crying both are not considered weak! Cos I chose to show rather than hide now. That is my comfort zone..Isn't yours. Glad that i can recover fast too..I'd rather feel all now :)
I used to hate emotions.. I don't want to feel. Because i am afraid of the pain. I block all those out.. I don't know good or bad..Somehow, the previous-happy-me seems all so fake now.. Why do i happy just to make others happy? Why don't I let my emotions flow so that i can be what i am in front of others? Because as much as i want others to be happy because of me, i want myself to get happiness because of them too :)

i used to call all these as depressions, because i can understand no reason i should be sad ! However, if i think back, there is actually reasons why i feel so..Admitting that those reasons make me sad was the hardest thing to myself!!! Too little and mundane to be considered reasons to cause serious damage to my emotions...lol.. I think others suffering from "depression" had reasons too.. This what i read from the book : " have a little faith"... I was reading this very same book when my father passed away..It was really a good book.. :)

I still haven't quite let go of my father..Speaking of him still abit hard..I missed him :( I wonder how long it will take me to speak of him without feeling heavy inside..I am going back to my Ipoh house for the first time after the funeral..My heart feels heavy... he used to pick me up whenever i go back for almost 5 years since i came to Singapore.. :)

God,
grant me strength and wisdom to see things through.

Thanks for finding me in my dreams, dad... I have a good time talking and feeding you lunch.. :)

I have missed your voice and smile very much... :)

You still look very sick though... :(

To MH :

You are insensitive if you fail to realize what i really feel about what you always ask me when u are alone with me.. I am begging you not to ask or mention that of me anymore..

Please.

Things that i wan myself to do ... :)

Things that i want myself to do :

1. Rest as much as i can.

2. To stay calm and control my inner rage.

3. Reward and treat myself better.

4. To read more books and do some inner reflections.

5. Be more patient.

6. Express myself more in any forms.

7. Befriend everyone and learn more from great ppl.

8. Be confident.

9. Don't lie to myself.

10. Don't overly concern myself with other ppl de problem.

I would come and read this many times as a reminder to myself.. :)

can't sleep ...

Staying up all night. . . sure bring back memories ! :)

My mind is so clear.... lol

My 5-year plan... :)

I have been wanting to write this thing out long ago...i had a really fulfilling studying time today ! So, yea...Let's blog! :D

I read a lot these days... Reading really helps :)

It really changed my point of thinking in life...What i really want...Where shall i start and go after this...the year coming to an end soon!! I am really glad...Finally, i am able to make my mind about my future..A very important turning point and choice in my life..

1 ) I dowan my mum to pay any of my schooling fees anymore. She already had enough :) She shud be resting and enjoying life at her age..and not worrying about my studies..I will do the Advanced Diploma in Polymer Science Technology for 2 years at SP :)

Meanwhile, i will gain experience by working part-time....and pay my own school fees and living expenses...Let's see my own self-worth :)

2 ) After my Advanced Dip, I will do my Masters..either in collaboration with Loughborough University in Singapore or directly go to the university in UK and complete my Masters there for a year.. I plan to move out too..It's really not so good staying with your brother and his family somehow..i would say got good got bad.. :)

3) I will work for some time before converting back to teaching...Poly students ba.. That has been what i really visualized myself as ..I was inspired by my sec school teacher...and all the "sucky" teacher that came across in my life..I always thought that i could do better than them..><

My parents are both teachers.. I helped my father to give tuition back in Malaysia..I taught primary students Malay and English :)

4) I always wanted to open a cafe....LOL....Another reason why i enjoyed playing Cafe World at fb...lol...Let's see.. I always wanted to open my dream cafe :D

This one..hmm.... will push forward to 10-20 years plan... lol

This is my five-year plan...have you make your's ? :)

It's good to have a direction...But as usual..I still prefer to take things as they come..Future is subjected to changes :) Commitments and responsibilities will come after you...

Let's see how things go !! I am Shanwen !! :D

Alcohols ~

How often do you drink alcohol?? :)

There will always be only two reasons for me to drink..not because of my brother asking us to join him or something...But i do like to drink with my friends... :)

1 ) I want to sleep...It's either my mind is too clear for my body to sleep ( like these days) ..or that i just want to hold myself from breaking apart...

2 ) I want to let the dark-side of me out..I love myself more in that state. I am more daring to feel and to ask anything for myself.. To feel what i really feel..To unleash all the feelings that i held back.. i cried ten times more badly...I complain like i never complain before, ignoring all those ppl that are much more unfortunate than me.... All those ppl and things that cause me pain, I will ask each of those to fuck off from my life...LOL But i dun like the dark-me at all :)

She is too selfish and negative !

If it's possible, i would really like to enjoy my drinking sessions with friends... :)

Can 'I' come out?