A soul's Cravings

I dont like the state i am in very much :(

Happiness has always been my base emotion. My concrete one. And that i need that source of energy very much. Happiness grows from within. I cannot expect or depend on anyone else to give me this. This is something i must pulled myself up from. When i emo, i will distant myself from ppl. Limit communications. So that they dont feel it. And that makes things easier for me to save up all the hard explanations cos i dont even know how to explain and how i am going do it.

But then. This is what i came across in a book. In life, you need ten kinds of Love Vitamins.

1. Vitamin G1 - Love and Support from God
2. Vitamin P1 - Love and Support from our parents.
3. Vitamin F - Love and Support from family, friends and having fun.
4. Vitamin P2 - Love and Support from peers and others like us with similar goals.
5. Vitamin S - Love and Support from ourselves.
6. Vitamin R - Love and Support from intimate relationships, partnerships and romance.
7. Vitamin D - Love and Support from someone who is dependent on us.
8. Vitamin C - Love and Support to our communities.
9. Vitamin W - Love and Support back to the world.
10. Vitamin G2 - Serving God.

A rich and fully satisfying life will be fulled by each of these ten kinds of love and support. When you are dissatisfied in life ( no inner success) or you not getting what you want ( no outer success), the base reason is that you not getting what you need. In many cases, your heart might be open, but you are looking at the wrong direction. At other times, you might be looking at the correct direction, but your heart is closed. You cannot absorb the love your soul needs.                                

-  How to Get What you Want  and WAnt what you Have by John Gray

From there, i realized i tried too hard and too dependent on ppl to bring out the happiness in me. And that i made things worst when i started to blame and have expectations when they cannot make me so. That is the worst. I pushed ppl away during these times. Cos it's their kindness and care thought.  Haiz. 

That is why i always said. YOur body has three kind of tired. Body. Mind. Soul. As for me, I think I am tired in and out for my Soul. Otherwise, i find it still ok.

So what is really my soul craving?  :( 

I will make effort to pull myself out !!!! I am tough!! And for this, I must learn!! I will go fix my hair if the color remains too bright even after one week of washing my hair T.T 

I dont really like my hair as before :(  

:(

Finally some peaceful time alone at home. Hmmm

I have lost myself again. I dont like this feeling alot. Not sad. Not happy. Not angry. I dont know what is this feeling. After the backstab incident. They even spread it to lecturers about "what i have done" !! :(

I was very stun when i was first heard of it fom Mr Ho. And i just apologize since i figured that was the best thing to do. I didnt really know what happen and what have i really done to be said till like that. I was rather sad and surprised since i have been always good to the class. And I am very happy that we are all so bonded and it is a fun class. I mean it. It is really FUN to be inside my class. And they are all good people. They always take care of me. :)


I seriously still dont know what i have really done. But with all means. If i really did it, if i really unintentionally stated names or so, I really meant my apology!!! Cos talking behind and talk bad about ppl are very bad things to do!! :(

But when things turned out to be like this. I was really sad because this thing happened to me just before i graduate !!! :(  What's worst? The worst is i trusted Geradine when i vented out all my frustration and all. She lied. Till i don't dare to ask so much form her. So that she wouldn't have to lie so much to cover up. I don't know anymore. I don't even trust myself and people now. My karma. Seriously for hurting and taking people's trust for granted. Especially for someone who has laid so much trust on me. I am really sorry. I didn't know. I am really very sorry. I really mean it :(

Why did i lie in the past? If you ask me now. It all comes naturally. Lies. Fucking lies from me. I feel disgusted at myself when i typed this all out. No more fucking lies. No more cover-ups from me. Because i trust ppl not wanting to be lied too. I hate LIES a lot now. I was shocked when i went back to Ipoh. I found out we are just so much used to lying. And that is really bad. My mum, my brother, my relatives. All lied to one another.I was so sad by it. and I was so disappointed in myself :(

 I dont dare to go near to people that care much about me. I know it is wrong to push away their kind concerns. But i felt as if i do not deserve any good point of any form of comforts at all. I cannot find any good points from myself. Being good is bad. At least that is what i am feeling now.

I am quite affected by all these even these seem to be a very small issue. Cos it links up to other things and how i bring myself with people. I am confused and i don't know already. Being too good seems like a wrong thing to do. But that is me. I am just being myself at whatever. I am a very direct and i will not fake any emotions in front of people. I speak what is inside my mind.

I will learn hard from this. Hard lessons. BUt worth if it could change me for the better. Until i find myself and i really need time to cool things down too. Till i could be normal and found my way back to people. Till i can open up again. I will just reserve and hold myself back.  I should cry lesser and complain lesser too. Cos we are all in this together. What makes other ppl can do it and not me?

I have to learn and grow up. Seriously, grow up and think like an adult, sw.

Things really tough. Tough times. Tough decisions need to be made soon too. Should i take up the job? It was kinda good offer to me since i prefer to deal with people rather than machines and lab.  And somehow, it is related to my course of study. Since i don't really like all the courses in uni. And that i have not much preference also. Why wouldn't i just take up the job offer and do my Adv Dip and get a Master in my own course? And proceed form there onwards. No one will know what will happen in future. Maybe after that i could really learn and grow up in the harsh society?

Or enroll in any courses applicable to me to get a degree. And see how later. And what I really wan to do in future? I wanted to teach. But not primary or secondary schools.

Since i have told someone that i won't emo today. I don't want to spoil today either. And I didn't lie. I am alright  :)

Let's go machine-mode and do my fyp report. And since it's all going to end soon. I will enjoy every single bit of it :)

heY sAraH SarAh ~

When I was just a little girl;

I asked my mother

" What would I be?;

Would I be pretty? Would I rich?"

And this is what she said; 

" Hey Sarah Sarah; 

Whatever will be, will be.

The future is not for us to see."  

Hey Sarah Sarah.  

I want to eat ice cream in a cone !!!!!! D;