Spoken and unspoken words

Have u ever felt like u can stone at one spot for a very very long time?

Thats how i felt just awhile ago. After that awful disagreement I have had always with either myself or the other person. It hurts deep when someone so close to you cannot seem to understand. We both saying the different thing on the phone. Till I do not know how to explain anymore. Why? You are someone that supposed to understand by now. It was always so pain.

I stood there motionless when i saw my polka dot fish that i have brought back laying dead. I killed it accidentally when i was pouring out other fishes. I don't what to say. What to feel...

R.I.P polka dot.
I am really really sorry. I am so so sorry !!! :(

Why every time when things go so smooth spoilt always by spoken and unspoken words?

I really did enjoyed myself so much at the pasir ris farm and walk..

I lose it too.. I will be crazy one day.. thinking what feeling i shud be feeling.

HOW TO INSERT PAGE NUMBERS STARTING FROM SPECIFIC PAGE !!!!

HOW TO INSERT PAGE NUMBERS STARTING FROM SPECIFIC PAGE !!!!

1.  Insert page break STARTING from the specific page you want to start number. 

2. Insert page number. (The pages should be numbered and the above "section" also will be numbered)

2. "Uncheck link to previous" (Design section under Header and Footer tab) at the bottom of the last page of the section that you DO NOT WANT THEM TO BE NUMBERED.   

3. The  last step will be "delete" the page number at the bottom of the LAST PAGE OF THAT SECTION.   

In the end, you should see that only the specific pages to be page-numbered 1 and onwards and not the section above (Cover Page, Table of Content, etc...) to be numbered !!!!

Refer to the youtube video above to see if my steps are wrong. 

9-10-2013

Uni update....

It has been two months i started uni... They keep saying it's far more different and I prepared my mindset where things will b much more like A levels... Getting hard to cope and catch up and all..

It was tiring.. Energy draining. With every paper i took.. After the paper, I feel my brain and body energy was drained away. Uni is really tough. I have had my Continual Assessments (CA) and left with one more to go. It was my first time having exams at uni. Their test seems to be small but their weightage is far too much to screw with the paper. :(  All so tough !!! :(

Or is it that i had it too easy for my past education systems at Malaysia and Singapore?

Two killer modules for me. Thermodynamics and Mechanics of Materials.. While both my friends seem to be coping okay with it. I find it really too tough for me to understand. It was stressed for me when both of them aim to graduate with a good degree ( upper class cert ) . As for how I am doing now, I think i can only pass with a normal degree. Haiz. I do not like to compare myself with others. But i really hope others don't put me together with them and judge me.. Till i really feel myself sux at it... Sux at studying.. :(

With each paper I have had, it really drag down my morale.. Haiz..

Uni is too tough for me. It didn't manage to motivate me to go sch every morning to grab the knowledge learnt. Like how a school shud be.  But Mostly, i go for the degree paper. And i keep telling myself, awhile more to go...

Anyway, I have had a good run in ages!!! 5km plus. That is something !! I didn't know i can go that far too..
But tired..

I'm tired at almost everything...

Profile List Corrupted

Go to Regedit.

Local machine >> Software >> Microsoft >> Windows NT >> Current Version >> Profile List 

Look for the two longest de. The longest one with the .bak is the "old" profile that you want to save cos all the data is inside. The longest one without .bak is the one generated by your system cos it has detected that your profile has been corrupted.  

1. Rename the longest one without .bak with old
2. Remove .bak from the longest one with .bak

3. Put both "0" for the State and RefCount.

Restart com and see if it happens again.

Hahahaa...For my future usage :) 

Getting Lost somewhere ~

The places where i wanna go ~

Tunnel of Love, Ukraine 

I love the green so much so much :) 

One of the world largest mirror, Bolivia. OMG the sky and the clouds !! 

Wisteria Flower Tunnel in Japan! Japan!! =D

Bamboo Forest, Japan 

Street in Bonn, Germany. I would love the night walks, man...

with my someone i like in future, maybe :) 

Cooling weather and Relax day at home :)

I super love today's weather ... It felt like the highlands ~ Like Cameron Highlands. Very cooling :)

While i woke up from my nap and the smell of my hair when some hair brushed over, i felt a tinge of happiness. I have always love the smell of my hair.. especially during these weather where i would like to let them down  :)

Things were rather harsh for the past two months right after I graduated from Sp. The decision making and planning for university. The one-night-life-time decision i made when i chose NTU which i deemed too late for them to have me enrolled in when i developed some excitement to go into Chemical Engineering in SIT. The SIT modules were somewhat i prefer or like as compared to Materials Engineering in NTU.

And whatever that i have went through during A levels. Haunts me and teases my low self-confidence. But i have not much option. But anyway, this is it. I'm going to study in NTU in another three weeks. Financial matters are some sort of settled and planned. So i guess i will go with the flow now.

Its good that i lose my job in some sense so that i could rest at home or hang out with my friends now :)
I am not someone who prefer long holidays. Not someone who likes to be lazy. Haha..

Recently, the word " Friendship" was being debated among my close ones too. Haiz. I wouldn't want to comment much but in the end. Different people hold different belief and meaning in this, I guess.

Let's have a cup of Meiji milk and chill for now, shall we?  ;)



   

When living became so bitter to me...

I hate the sound of my own crying....So helpless and useless..I hate it!!!!

What am i going to do?? If SIT is not a local uni, then don't claim yourself as one. Where international students like me are not eligible for the tuition grant !! Not only that I am not even eligible for any loans from Posb banks or other banks !!! Just because i am not a Singaporean or PR.

But before all these, your website stated otherwise!! It never mentioned that i cannot !!! I even called up and  i obtained positive answer. But what now? Just right after i opened up my enrollment package, you told me international students all not eligible for any financial aids! Not only that !! You need me to send you my bank statement to demonstrate that i have at least 1.5 times the annual school fees for the first year. That is like what. $60K?? WTF seriously... I dont know what am i going to do seriously.. I really dont know..

Another thing in hand is my Tuition Grant bond. I have to put in another sum of money so that the bank could freeze it since SIT is not a consider a local uni. So that i could finish my degree studies before i serve the bond. That is like what. Another $90K??? Wtf... Then why claimed as a local uni?

I am no longer a student pass holder. Then what am i supposed to do??

Whatever the website says and whatever the person who picked up my calls said wasn't even creditable. All give me different answers. You gave me the nice to hear answers rather than the right ones.

I seriously dont feel like living anymore. I dont know if my uncle is willing to help me. But then. This is just too much for me to absorb.

And my bro just said it to my face. Asked me to prepare to pack things to go back to ipoh if i tmr dont get the right information and help that i need.

I dont feel like living when living means so hard

Happy Father's Day!! (16th June 2013)

You Raise Me Up ~

I would like to dedicate this song to my father. Father's day coming soon. I have really missed you alot during  my graduation and thanks for all the visits in my dreams :)
If it weren't for you, it wouldn't be who I am today. And i'm proud of it. I am proud to be your daughter :) Sorry for not telling you this when you were still around. Sorry for being late in telling you this. Happy father's day !! :)

To those who still have their loved ones with them, pls treasure them !!! Bring beautiful memories and treasure the moments with them!!! And lastly, try not to hurt them and see thru their effort!!

Kind people :)

There's always kind people around you.. You don't have to look deep enough or so. They'll just hang around in your life. Sometimes, i think this applies to even family members or friends that has left this world :)

I was rather emo lately. Even with friends i felt so bad for darkening the atmosphere. I would choose to stay home instead. Let time heals me. Or myself to regain my own strength. But i am really glad that friends that didnt give up on me !!! No matter how shitty I sound or look. Thank you for putting that up with me. I am really so sorry. Be it zq, ms, kailu, and zm... I really have no regrets knowing you guys! :)

When i reached home after my subway work, i grabbed a sleeping cure for myself from Watson. I try not to resort to alcohol like how i used to. I am STRONGER than that !!! I will either make myself tired enuf to sleep or so. It saddened me alot when your room is locked when you longed for a good bath. Later just to realized that i left my laptop at subway. And while i was searching for my keys inside my bag, my finger got pricked by Spice nametag's needle. That done it. I lose it. Seriously. My tears started to flow. Flowing non stop..My sister was shocked to see me rushing out my house without saying anything. She thought i was mad at her. But in the end, i did explained to her and texted her for she has been calling me alot of times.

I didnt really have good sleeps. Not saying i went to accept SIT's offer after alot of times checking offer letter from NTU or NUS. Mum seemed to be unreachable for the two days. I was rather sad. Mum seemed to concern with my sister and I lesser. I don't know its a good or bad thing. But it's good to know that she's always there for me and sister.

I seldom get to talk with bro or sis in law. Sis in law seldom share stuff and after my sister and I stopped helping her to take care of her children. She felt cold. She seldom talk and at times ignore my sister and i in the mornings. Things getting worst when sister and i spent less time at home due to work and schooling along the years. I feel like i am taking space at her house :(

Bro has always been friendly and supportive. He usually will come into my room to talk to me and sister. Catching up, bringing food in ... or so. And lately, I don'd mind accompanying him to drink abit.

As i cried, i felt guilty for crying. There're a lot of people who dreams having my life. Those ppl who are less fortunate. Who's in much pain than mine's. But in the end, i continued to cry. I guessed the needle prick was deep enough to do the job.

I cried all the way back to sch. Till i met one of my acquaintances in SPICE. Omg. She is such a nice lady. She told me that i ddin't look good to her. Wasn't like the cheerful me in spice as always. She accompanied me all the way to Subway and grabbed my com. Zm called while she was talking with me. Her life wasn't as easy either. She regretted not studying hard. But all the same, I am very glad that she's there for me that time. She stayed at Sengkang and it was already 10pm. I felt bad and passed her a piece of Subway cookie. She asked me to keep in touch with her too. In which i will :)

Thank you for being there for me. If not i will not stop crying. I have been really tired of it lately :)

Thanks for the call and talk too, zm. Really :)

I will just study very hard.!!! Jiayou, sw!!!

p/s : Don't be sad if you can't find anyone who's really concern for you at that point of time :)  I dare say there're always friends and family whose really concern for you :)  But it's in you. You don't like to seek for help. Unlike me. You're always been stronger than me by so much.

I will there for you as a friend always. When you need someone to talk to, I will always be there for you like how you have been there for me always  :)

I don't know what will happen within these three months. But i wish you and your family the best and healthy in everything :)

No more of this

 I have never been in this situation for so long... I have never yearned to be back working so much... I am someone with responsibilities.. I wanted myself to be so much stronger. To work at least professionally. Without linking the two matters into one..

It was fucking pain... fucking pain...

Till I want everything to just stop. I want none of it

Emo

Some day I feel everything at once
Other days I feel nothing at all

I don't know what's worse
Drowning beneath the waves
Or dying of thirst.

Peaceful day at home ~

Peaceful day at home ... :)

My room is all dark and cozy. With the super cooling weather outside and sounds of the rain..

Just had a chalet with my poly classmates. And i am glad that i stayed over with them. It has been long since i  spent crazy time with them like that. I missed that place too. It was a good chalet. Clean and comfy. Good to catch up with most of my classmates :)

Mr Ho told me i will regret getting into SIT. Chem Engineering is tough. Much tougher than i will imagine it to be. Cos the Maths will b tough. He told me it will be tougher than NTU and NUS for the science courses that i have applied for. When i heard about all these, deep down i was afraid. I was afraid that things go back to A Levels. Where I need to study so hard. But in the ends, my hard work didnt pay me off at all. All those sleepless nights and stacks and stacks of notes. Its like i cant catch up. I am able to get it during lessons but not during exams.

Haiz. I am quite worried :(

But i will not choose the easy path - Adv Dip. It was an easier one. Much easier one.  But since i know what i want to do in future. I would prefer a much in-depth knowledge so that i could prepare myself well to deliver my knowledge to others. A full time cert. I at least worth that. I believe myself so.

I dont know what this path will bring me to. Another chapter of my life. Will be starting soon.

Jiayou sw !!!

Worried :(

Sick of being good

When you realized those ppl who come to you only when they need help... even if from those ppl you thought you can be close with.. those friends i thought they will not take advantage of you.

I hate those who make use of my kindness. I hate that they didnt know they hurted you too. Or that they knew. But they did it intentionally or unintentionally. Because their benefits just overtakes whatever you are for them and whatever you had done.

Mayb I am just sick of myself  being too good to ppl..

My alone time and day ~

My throat hurts even when I am not talking. I guess I will b losing my voice soon.. Headache comes accompanied with my eye's poor health. I overdid it =(

During these days I missed dad's medi prescription. I don't even have to go see a doc. Lol all the way to go, dad! :)

I will settle my student pass and my burning computer today. Days passed. Yet no news from NTU and NUS. So be it, Sit. I will clear my poly loans before applying for another loan for my uni studies. Around 10K... I don't want to depend on my uncle too much. He is good enuf to offer me his money as the last resort when I couldnt get a loan. I am lucky. Really lucky to get to continue my studies and have my family to support me during my ups and downs :)

I will try to work lesser. So that I can work harder for my studies. I missed studying very hard. I have loved study. I missed myself being able to study so hard till I got myself well known for it. Lol

Jiayou Sw! :)

4 April 2013 ~

Time flies... My poly year three passed just like a lightning bolt.. With all those rushing assignments and quizzes and fyp and work... It was all so cloudy to me as time passed so fast. It was a good one :)
I will miss my poly life :)

- the big space that used to be at t17 where i always look up to see the sky
- the green paths
- the shortcuts i take between my work and my lessons
- the yummie food

My year one and two was worst where i could hardly catch my breath. Year two was the hardest. In fact, I enjoyed most my year one and year three :) Thats when i learnt how to take things at a slower pace or so.

Lets see how things will go for me after this :)

 After the China trip, i did felt myself different when it comes to making decisions. I realized that life is how you see it. You are the one who is responsible to either make your life interesting or dull. Adventurous or mundane!! And i am always grateful to all the stuff that colors my life. Grateful to things that i have and have not :)  You walk your own path. No one can actually walk your path for you. Unless they chose to walk their own path along with you :)

My mum didnt say much about my studies after this. My first bro did discuss about our future and sch fees with us. No news from second bro :(

I am becoming more adult than i have ever thought myself to be ready.

Dont know if i would be using this in future or not :)

User can boot into Windows but not Mac

To backup from Mac
Go to Computer >> Select E:/ (Mac de) >> Users >> ( User de name) >> You'll see the files

To reformat Mac side using the partition inside
1. Have to connect to Internet
2. Restart press option
3. Go to Recovery Hd
4. Follow instruction (click agree or so)
5. Go to Disk Utility>> Select Macintosh (Journaled) >> Erase
All DATA will be gone  

6. At the Disk Utility Screen again, Select Reformat Disk >> Select Macintosh
7. After finish reformating.
8. Boot into Mac and Windows. See can or not
8. Update Mac OS
9. Have to download iTunes / iGarage or any other that missing from Apple.
10. Configure.
 

Coming to an end ~

My last lap finally.. This is my second time applying to universities... And i dont have good feelings with either of the results that might turn out to be. I will apply all and see how :)  I am eager to learn about my turning point in life. Life is going to be much tough for me if i am able to get in. I am no smart girl. I wont be able to take stress too. Alot of ppl told me about this. And i hate to hear it very much. My emotions and feelings easily readable from my actions and facial expressions.

A friend of mine told me from his life experience that i should learn how to fake a little in front of people. Do not share the problem with the same circle or group of friends. Share it with another group of friends so that you wont get affected much even if trust was neglected. Assumptions being made too much. I cared too much. I acted too real and helpful. People will take me for granted.." You do not know how to protect yourself at all... "

I do not like what he said at all. He lost trust in people. Although it seemed that he has his point. But i didnt want to lose trust in people and my friends. It was hurtful, yes and they didnt even know about it. I have learnt that certain things really just dont breakeven.

My previous weeks was really torturing.. Sucked up all my mental and physical energy. I broke down easily with any slightest provocation. When the term starts, everything comes in a rush. The first week of school was rather depressing already from the backstab incident. Top it off with fyp report, assignments from each of the modules... online quizes, lab tests.. and at the same time, i have to make decisions on two job offers.. Have to weigh alot of things. Not only that, I continued to work. I worked for more than 10 hours at times. A day, I worked like a full timer. I worked for 8 hours. Plus going for classes and lectures on the same day. All these... hmmmm... i wont say much. These are the choices i made :)

I have just ended three tests last week.. And Phew.. I finally able to breathe better just yesterday after my fyp presentation :)

That was the best presentation that i have given so far. Or mayb that the panel of tired lecturers made me felt calm. I wasnt nervous at all for the first time standing in front. I was feeling bad for them for sitting in for all presentations for the whole day. I wasnt given a leading position for quite some time. It was a rather good feeling and i am happy to work with them. My fyp was smooth sailing. I am very lucky comparing with other groups.. Like my mum said, the process is always hard.. Till you're out from your training ground :)

I was much stronger in the past. And learning this. Not to say that i am weak now. But I am going to be much much stronger. I will learn to be as independent as before.

Only a few more weeks left. Only a few papers left to mark the end of my poly life. I am going to miss them so much. So much :)

Coming to an end ~

A soul's Cravings

I dont like the state i am in very much :(

Happiness has always been my base emotion. My concrete one. And that i need that source of energy very much. Happiness grows from within. I cannot expect or depend on anyone else to give me this. This is something i must pulled myself up from. When i emo, i will distant myself from ppl. Limit communications. So that they dont feel it. And that makes things easier for me to save up all the hard explanations cos i dont even know how to explain and how i am going do it.

But then. This is what i came across in a book. In life, you need ten kinds of Love Vitamins.

1. Vitamin G1 - Love and Support from God
2. Vitamin P1 - Love and Support from our parents.
3. Vitamin F - Love and Support from family, friends and having fun.
4. Vitamin P2 - Love and Support from peers and others like us with similar goals.
5. Vitamin S - Love and Support from ourselves.
6. Vitamin R - Love and Support from intimate relationships, partnerships and romance.
7. Vitamin D - Love and Support from someone who is dependent on us.
8. Vitamin C - Love and Support to our communities.
9. Vitamin W - Love and Support back to the world.
10. Vitamin G2 - Serving God.

A rich and fully satisfying life will be fulled by each of these ten kinds of love and support. When you are dissatisfied in life ( no inner success) or you not getting what you want ( no outer success), the base reason is that you not getting what you need. In many cases, your heart might be open, but you are looking at the wrong direction. At other times, you might be looking at the correct direction, but your heart is closed. You cannot absorb the love your soul needs.                                

-  How to Get What you Want  and WAnt what you Have by John Gray

From there, i realized i tried too hard and too dependent on ppl to bring out the happiness in me. And that i made things worst when i started to blame and have expectations when they cannot make me so. That is the worst. I pushed ppl away during these times. Cos it's their kindness and care thought.  Haiz. 

That is why i always said. YOur body has three kind of tired. Body. Mind. Soul. As for me, I think I am tired in and out for my Soul. Otherwise, i find it still ok.

So what is really my soul craving?  :( 

I will make effort to pull myself out !!!! I am tough!! And for this, I must learn!! I will go fix my hair if the color remains too bright even after one week of washing my hair T.T 

I dont really like my hair as before :(  

:(

Finally some peaceful time alone at home. Hmmm

I have lost myself again. I dont like this feeling alot. Not sad. Not happy. Not angry. I dont know what is this feeling. After the backstab incident. They even spread it to lecturers about "what i have done" !! :(

I was very stun when i was first heard of it fom Mr Ho. And i just apologize since i figured that was the best thing to do. I didnt really know what happen and what have i really done to be said till like that. I was rather sad and surprised since i have been always good to the class. And I am very happy that we are all so bonded and it is a fun class. I mean it. It is really FUN to be inside my class. And they are all good people. They always take care of me. :)


I seriously still dont know what i have really done. But with all means. If i really did it, if i really unintentionally stated names or so, I really meant my apology!!! Cos talking behind and talk bad about ppl are very bad things to do!! :(

But when things turned out to be like this. I was really sad because this thing happened to me just before i graduate !!! :(  What's worst? The worst is i trusted Geradine when i vented out all my frustration and all. She lied. Till i don't dare to ask so much form her. So that she wouldn't have to lie so much to cover up. I don't know anymore. I don't even trust myself and people now. My karma. Seriously for hurting and taking people's trust for granted. Especially for someone who has laid so much trust on me. I am really sorry. I didn't know. I am really very sorry. I really mean it :(

Why did i lie in the past? If you ask me now. It all comes naturally. Lies. Fucking lies from me. I feel disgusted at myself when i typed this all out. No more fucking lies. No more cover-ups from me. Because i trust ppl not wanting to be lied too. I hate LIES a lot now. I was shocked when i went back to Ipoh. I found out we are just so much used to lying. And that is really bad. My mum, my brother, my relatives. All lied to one another.I was so sad by it. and I was so disappointed in myself :(

 I dont dare to go near to people that care much about me. I know it is wrong to push away their kind concerns. But i felt as if i do not deserve any good point of any form of comforts at all. I cannot find any good points from myself. Being good is bad. At least that is what i am feeling now.

I am quite affected by all these even these seem to be a very small issue. Cos it links up to other things and how i bring myself with people. I am confused and i don't know already. Being too good seems like a wrong thing to do. But that is me. I am just being myself at whatever. I am a very direct and i will not fake any emotions in front of people. I speak what is inside my mind.

I will learn hard from this. Hard lessons. BUt worth if it could change me for the better. Until i find myself and i really need time to cool things down too. Till i could be normal and found my way back to people. Till i can open up again. I will just reserve and hold myself back.  I should cry lesser and complain lesser too. Cos we are all in this together. What makes other ppl can do it and not me?

I have to learn and grow up. Seriously, grow up and think like an adult, sw.

Things really tough. Tough times. Tough decisions need to be made soon too. Should i take up the job? It was kinda good offer to me since i prefer to deal with people rather than machines and lab.  And somehow, it is related to my course of study. Since i don't really like all the courses in uni. And that i have not much preference also. Why wouldn't i just take up the job offer and do my Adv Dip and get a Master in my own course? And proceed form there onwards. No one will know what will happen in future. Maybe after that i could really learn and grow up in the harsh society?

Or enroll in any courses applicable to me to get a degree. And see how later. And what I really wan to do in future? I wanted to teach. But not primary or secondary schools.

Since i have told someone that i won't emo today. I don't want to spoil today either. And I didn't lie. I am alright  :)

Let's go machine-mode and do my fyp report. And since it's all going to end soon. I will enjoy every single bit of it :)

heY sAraH SarAh ~

When I was just a little girl;

I asked my mother

" What would I be?;

Would I be pretty? Would I rich?"

And this is what she said; 

" Hey Sarah Sarah; 

Whatever will be, will be.

The future is not for us to see."  

Hey Sarah Sarah.  

I want to eat ice cream in a cone !!!!!! D;