When living became so bitter to me...

I hate the sound of my own crying....So helpless and useless..I hate it!!!!

What am i going to do?? If SIT is not a local uni, then don't claim yourself as one. Where international students like me are not eligible for the tuition grant !! Not only that I am not even eligible for any loans from Posb banks or other banks !!! Just because i am not a Singaporean or PR.

But before all these, your website stated otherwise!! It never mentioned that i cannot !!! I even called up and  i obtained positive answer. But what now? Just right after i opened up my enrollment package, you told me international students all not eligible for any financial aids! Not only that !! You need me to send you my bank statement to demonstrate that i have at least 1.5 times the annual school fees for the first year. That is like what. $60K?? WTF seriously... I dont know what am i going to do seriously.. I really dont know..

Another thing in hand is my Tuition Grant bond. I have to put in another sum of money so that the bank could freeze it since SIT is not a consider a local uni. So that i could finish my degree studies before i serve the bond. That is like what. Another $90K??? Wtf... Then why claimed as a local uni?

I am no longer a student pass holder. Then what am i supposed to do??

Whatever the website says and whatever the person who picked up my calls said wasn't even creditable. All give me different answers. You gave me the nice to hear answers rather than the right ones.

I seriously dont feel like living anymore. I dont know if my uncle is willing to help me. But then. This is just too much for me to absorb.

And my bro just said it to my face. Asked me to prepare to pack things to go back to ipoh if i tmr dont get the right information and help that i need.

I dont feel like living when living means so hard

Happy Father's Day!! (16th June 2013)

You Raise Me Up ~

I would like to dedicate this song to my father. Father's day coming soon. I have really missed you alot during  my graduation and thanks for all the visits in my dreams :)
If it weren't for you, it wouldn't be who I am today. And i'm proud of it. I am proud to be your daughter :) Sorry for not telling you this when you were still around. Sorry for being late in telling you this. Happy father's day !! :)

To those who still have their loved ones with them, pls treasure them !!! Bring beautiful memories and treasure the moments with them!!! And lastly, try not to hurt them and see thru their effort!!

Kind people :)

There's always kind people around you.. You don't have to look deep enough or so. They'll just hang around in your life. Sometimes, i think this applies to even family members or friends that has left this world :)

I was rather emo lately. Even with friends i felt so bad for darkening the atmosphere. I would choose to stay home instead. Let time heals me. Or myself to regain my own strength. But i am really glad that friends that didnt give up on me !!! No matter how shitty I sound or look. Thank you for putting that up with me. I am really so sorry. Be it zq, ms, kailu, and zm... I really have no regrets knowing you guys! :)

When i reached home after my subway work, i grabbed a sleeping cure for myself from Watson. I try not to resort to alcohol like how i used to. I am STRONGER than that !!! I will either make myself tired enuf to sleep or so. It saddened me alot when your room is locked when you longed for a good bath. Later just to realized that i left my laptop at subway. And while i was searching for my keys inside my bag, my finger got pricked by Spice nametag's needle. That done it. I lose it. Seriously. My tears started to flow. Flowing non stop..My sister was shocked to see me rushing out my house without saying anything. She thought i was mad at her. But in the end, i did explained to her and texted her for she has been calling me alot of times.

I didnt really have good sleeps. Not saying i went to accept SIT's offer after alot of times checking offer letter from NTU or NUS. Mum seemed to be unreachable for the two days. I was rather sad. Mum seemed to concern with my sister and I lesser. I don't know its a good or bad thing. But it's good to know that she's always there for me and sister.

I seldom get to talk with bro or sis in law. Sis in law seldom share stuff and after my sister and I stopped helping her to take care of her children. She felt cold. She seldom talk and at times ignore my sister and i in the mornings. Things getting worst when sister and i spent less time at home due to work and schooling along the years. I feel like i am taking space at her house :(

Bro has always been friendly and supportive. He usually will come into my room to talk to me and sister. Catching up, bringing food in ... or so. And lately, I don'd mind accompanying him to drink abit.

As i cried, i felt guilty for crying. There're a lot of people who dreams having my life. Those ppl who are less fortunate. Who's in much pain than mine's. But in the end, i continued to cry. I guessed the needle prick was deep enough to do the job.

I cried all the way back to sch. Till i met one of my acquaintances in SPICE. Omg. She is such a nice lady. She told me that i ddin't look good to her. Wasn't like the cheerful me in spice as always. She accompanied me all the way to Subway and grabbed my com. Zm called while she was talking with me. Her life wasn't as easy either. She regretted not studying hard. But all the same, I am very glad that she's there for me that time. She stayed at Sengkang and it was already 10pm. I felt bad and passed her a piece of Subway cookie. She asked me to keep in touch with her too. In which i will :)

Thank you for being there for me. If not i will not stop crying. I have been really tired of it lately :)

Thanks for the call and talk too, zm. Really :)

I will just study very hard.!!! Jiayou, sw!!!

p/s : Don't be sad if you can't find anyone who's really concern for you at that point of time :)  I dare say there're always friends and family whose really concern for you :)  But it's in you. You don't like to seek for help. Unlike me. You're always been stronger than me by so much.

I will there for you as a friend always. When you need someone to talk to, I will always be there for you like how you have been there for me always  :)

I don't know what will happen within these three months. But i wish you and your family the best and healthy in everything :)

No more of this

 I have never been in this situation for so long... I have never yearned to be back working so much... I am someone with responsibilities.. I wanted myself to be so much stronger. To work at least professionally. Without linking the two matters into one..

It was fucking pain... fucking pain...

Till I want everything to just stop. I want none of it