Ah po [ 23.11.2009 ]

"Ah po, dad called just now and scolded us again."

"What he scold? "

" He said us unfilial , . . . . . "

" You have having exam ma. . "

"I come back and see you hou mo? "

" Hou. . after you finish your papers and homeworks. . ."

"Your father is a very useless person. . "

.............................................................................................

That was the last chat i have with my grandmother before she passed away the next day. What i heard from my mum is that she didn't suffer much. She passed away inside the hospital after vomitting blood. Internal bleeding. Just take her 10 minutes.

I'm not there. The thing i felt worse is that i'm not always there to accompany her. Everytime i go back to Ipoh, I will be always be with my father. Just because I don't want to hear hurtful words from him later. Saying the "the main reason I go back is just to see HIM" . It was a great loss. My grandma even have to come all the way here to see me, worsening her condition which made her admitted into the hospital. I don't know. . . . I just want her be less pain. More peaceful. . .

To me, she is someone who i can seek protection. Someone who i can be myself. I can just tear off my mask and cry and laugh with her. I'm always wearing a mask when i'm at home, with my dad. I'm better at faking than my sister.So, my dad said i'm better than my sister. In fact, every one of us did a very good job in faking ( i mean my siblings ) . Whenever my parents argue or said some hurtful words to me, I would always go to my popo's house. She is the only one that can scold my father without my father scolding her back. I feel scared without her. Scared that i can fake it out anymore. Scared that i might burst. Scared that i lose myself when i want to protect my mum, my sister and my brothers. I'm starting not to listen to my dad and other unpleasant words.I'm starting to rebel. I'm very scared but I'll DO MY BEST. I said and i promise it in front of my popo.

Tears started to swell when i saw her lying there, sleeping soundly. She looked tired and i smiled and said I would want to become your grand daughter in my next life. next next life. . .So, see you there. I miss you very much. . It's not good to cry. If not, she won't bear to leave this world to go to a better one. So yeah. . I try my best not to. For her good and mine's. And i wanted to make everyone less pain too. My uncles and my aunties. So, i must be strong. :)

I'm sure she wanted it too. I wondered if she is happy and peace now. My grandma loved flowers and there was alot surrounding her. I thank everyone for being so considearate and helpful in helping out the funeral. Thanks for accompanying my popo.

I asked her before i come back to singapore. I had always wanted to tell her. I wanted to seek permission from her. And i am very sorry that ah po always had to hear those unpleasant words from me.

" Can i be with her? "

The first one was a NO. It was again NO. And I asked for the last time. YES . I was relieved. I'm sorry for turning away from the righteous path. Sorry. Sorry for wanting you to say yes. Sorry. My parents still doesnt know about it. I'm glad that i let popo know. I understand why she said No at first. Sorry, ah po. It is my sin. I know.

Some photos to share. You can find more in my facebook :)

my popo's house :)

ah po :)

Hmm. . . Sorry everyone if i done something that pisses you guys off during this period or if i smile less in the coming days, please forgive me. ^^ Take care and all the best.

Peace

A levels and abit of something of This and That ^^

Weather was rather cooling today. A level is coming to an end. AH. . just two more paper. But honestly, I'm already slacking. Haiz. . .

This year's A levels was rather unpredicted and unexpected. It was way different from the past years papers that i have done. I think i have given my best. That was already my best. It was the same feeling I had before i come to singapore to study. I thought that if i weren't given a place in all the colleges in singapore after doing their admission tests, it means that i'm really not fit to study in singapore and i would continue my studies in Ipoh. It's the same feeling now :)
BUT I do not intend to go back to Ipoh to study this time even if i didn't make it to reach the unreachable. (To me, it seems so)

Another thought is that God won't send me here for nothing.^^ So, i think I CAN. Along these two years here, I have learnt not to give up when things really wanted you to. I only have 5 hours of sleep everynight before this. And i'm proud that i'm able to keep that up for 2 months ^^ study , eat , sleep. . I don't know the definition of tired anymore. I don't even dare to say that word out in these 2 months. I'm really glad these hard times are going to end soon. YEAH !!!

I went out today ^^ Met up with Chris and the others. Orchard is nice. They have started to decorate for christmas. The trees along the road sides have been decorated with alot of pale blue and white lights. Chrismas trees. . Santa claus. . . The night is really scenic. Ah. . just a comfortable day for me. If she was here then, I thought it would be perfect. ^^
After having dinner, we had a stroll along Orchard road. Hope everyone enjoy themselves here.

I will be going Ochard again next week after I finish my Chemistry paper ^^ This time is to have a small gathering with my singapore friends before each of us go in our separate ways . They really helped me alot.. Although we barely knew each other for less than a year, we have gone thru hard times together, supporting each other. We learn from each other. So yeah, hope everyone the best for their future undertakings ^^ Ka yao !

Time to get back to study. Sorry for the long post XD


different frequencies

From me ^^

Things better now. I hope. My grandma was admitted to the hosipital and everything is going bad for her. I was naive. My pain was nothing compared to hers. She can still smile and made a long way here for me to see her. With all the abdominal pains, liver , kidney. . .everything is slowing down for her. I wonder why. Why make someone like her suffer from all this? I haven't exprience this before and I'm kinda afraid to accept it. I haven't lose any of my loved ones before. So, yeah. . Kinda pain. Kinda want to take her place. That's why i think life is really hard. We must have done something very wrong in the past that we were to born as human to suffer. I wonder how she feels in total darkness. Something that i fear so much also. She can't see now. So, i think I shouldn't be afraid of darkness anymore. I want to be as brave as her. Putting a step ahead without knowing what's ahead. I shall have no fear for what comes for me. Not pain. Not sadness. Anymore.

You know, I used to hold up my feelings - that is to surpress my happiness or emotions. So that i won't get too much hurt later. Some way, protecting myself. I know that's abit unfair to everyone cos some of them really put out all of thier effort in to reach out to me. So, I have decided not to bind myself anymore. So, let it come. HAte Love Hurt Disappointment. They are much people who are much more unfortunate than me. Although there are also much more people lucky than me XD

Sorry that i couldn't be there. Not being able to lend you my shoulder. It's okay to be like this. Just express out when you feel the NEED. Just like what I'm doing now although I'm having A levels =.= My feelings for you has grow stronger again. You know? ^^ So , you better be strong.Cos when you feel this way, I feel the ache too. I will be strong for you. So, buck up. I will go to you soon. You know, I'm very happy with you just staying beside me . Even though we are not talking, not doing anything, just staying by your side made me feel secure. Even though sometimes, I feel weird and stupid cos we are staying silent towards each other. In some ways, i feel you more and get comforted in some ways. I hope you can be fine soon. Hope you'll find happiness soon. Everyone also ^^

Updates about A levels will come soon straight after i finish it. Just 5 more papers to go. I don't wish to talk about it here now. Haiz. . . Let's do it. Let's face it and finish it. Stupid A levels.

Take care everyone. ^^ Ka yao !


LNM you ~