Tore down, my wall . . .

Okay. . This is the only place that i can express. .so i really don't care or mind what people would say about me if they happen to read this. But i think i'll die in an instant when my family sees this. LOL

I don't know what about me that attracts you. A boy asked me to be his gf just after knowing me for 4 days? We're classmates. We talked alot before he asked me. I got to know that he always get rejected by girls. Then at first, i took pity on him and agreed to try out with him.I'm his first GF. I didn't open myself up to him. I thought he would grow tired of me that way.

However, what he had done in this few days. And what he had told me today. Managed to touch the deepest depth of my heart. I thought you won't see thru my lies. I never thought that you didnt treat them as jokes. He actually asked for more time for his studies and room of improvements for himself . When i thought you were just a guy - a normal one that certainly don't see studies as priority. But when he told me that he can't focus on his things and i don't know which part of me made him that i'm the "best" among the "best" in girls. .He told me that he was afraid too. Afraid of losing control over himself. Afraid of losing me in future.I didn't know that he would actually put in so much efforts. And when he told me all this. . . I was actually happy. At least he is not afraid of hurting me .As in he wanted to become friends now. It was just that it sounded the same as what she told me when she wanted to break up with me :)

I brokedown and had actually hid myself somewhere during lunch time. It wasn't his fault at all and yet he is damn guilty over it. I didn't know he is this serious in our relatinship. Halo, we just started for less than a week. But he is already saying about our future. Saying that he wanted to become a capable man for me. So he needs time. I am okay with it and i said i'll try to distance myself from him in school. Then both of us realised that we are almost in the same group for every projects till we graduate ==

Yea. I guessed i played with too much fire.And the flame had burnt my wall down. So, i really pray and hope hard to GOD. Please let this one be the right one.

i was touched
when you actually move me away from the sunlights
when you hold my hand and ask me to wait for you
when you didn't ask about my past
when you always find the safest place for me to stand
when you wipe the bird shit landed on my hand using your shirt
when you're there although i'm always pushing you away

. . . . .

It was a firm grip.

I thought of leaving myself a path so that i could find my way out later. But what if i can't find it anymore?

Everything will just be fine . . .

Yea. . I actually got muscles sore after just a quick jog with my sister yesterday. . Around 4 km, i guess. . I can afford more in the past. But the feeling afterwards was great. When you feel each steps of yours moving forward, it was as if YOU CAN DO IT. I felt much better afterwards. Really. I trapped myself inside the house for too long in the past three months.

If i fill in my emotions, would i get the same results again?
Do you really can do it for me?
I'm still scared. But i decided to open up a little to you. To be fair to you.
Since i really appreciate that you didn't ask about my past.
You managed to make me to feel again. I'm grateful. Really.

Is being happy a sin? I don't know. But i felt this way. I'm scared to be happy.
But if it is, i'll really have you to bear all of them for me.

I'll move on, okay? Is it okay? And i'm really leaving you behind this time.
I'll still be there for you. Whenever you feel alone or anything, feel free to find me. You still have me.
Cos you're still there. In that little corner :)
I'll end it nicely. .

I love you very much. And i really did.

If i can still find back my reasons why these tears still flows. . .
Is the bond really too strong for me to bear?
If you want me to be honest,
if i can tear my facade down,
You know . . . . i still

longed for you

Longings . . .

I longed for the day where i can just be my old self.
I longed for the day where i don't have to force food down to my throat.
I longed for the day where i can find back all my reasons for my existence.
I longed and i longed . . .

For the day where everything just ends and i can rest there peacefully.

Don't worry.Everything is fine. Everything's great.
Cos when you can do it, why can't i ?
I guess my facade is too perfect. . .
Till you are blind to know. Or to realize those weren't jokes at all.

Deep down i know it still bleeds

cos i don't even want them to recover :)

And i'm fine with it

I miss you

Anything. Just get me out of here.

God, i did tell you right.

I am really really very tired. How many more times you need me to repeat?
My helpful doesn't mean anything. I am born this way.

I'll be the bad guy and i'll teach you. Make sure you learn.

God, you never help me

I don't think there's even once you did

It was a wednesday too . .

You know what is a heart? :)

It is something that is broken. But it's still working.

I'm scared and i'm really actually extremely tired .

happy anniversary

Receive them the tears from me to you this day.

First day of Poly . . .

The first day of school was not that bad that i expected it to be. I wonder if humans are really just made to accustom to changes. Or i'll say i'm too tired to feel :)

I am the eldest here. They are younger than me by 2-3 years. I heard them calling me Da Jie =__=
Friends are really friendly here. There are a total of 6 Malaysians here. I have a small class of 20. And there's only 6 girls in my class. It's lively here. Easier for me to blend in compared to A levels. And there's the "Class participation" percentage also this time. And i think i won't want to lose to it like before. So,i think tagging along with people will do me fine. I don't have problems talking. It is just that it has been long since i give a smile. And i really miss it - the nice curve on my face :)

Teachers have their own styles here. Very different from A lvls. You'll really feel respected as an adult / student . But i have to admit the A levels teachers are better. . It's really lucky that i have studied them before. It's easy for me to catch up compared to the others. And i'm learning other interesting modules like nanotech, green tech, polymers, some finance modules and some design modules. Will be learning how to use zbrush design software next week. I don't really understand why these modules are in my course. Guess i'm in the right course. A combination of this and that. Material Science :)

School is at least thrice larger than my junior college.Got swimming pool. Got library. Got Pizza Hut. Got Subway. A total of 5 foodcourts. .Got stadium. . Classes are kinda far from each other. Somehow, i feel weird to be walking so much. .Till i feel the sores at night. And the Singapore Polytechnic is just one stop away from Clementi. So, i'll reach the campus in 5 minutes. However, i think i've gotten used to have bread for lunch. Hunger and physical pain seem to be nicer feelings. .

It's easy. Getting easier and easier i guess. . Emptying out your feelings. Emotions. So that i'll be able to give them a good facade.

So, i'm doing fine :)

you know

i'm actually very proud of you

School is starting tomorrow. .when i just want to rot away. . .

Things will workout somehow. That's what everyone do or say when they are just too lazy to figure out ways to deal with it. Or shall i say when people just don't know what to do with you. And they'll think that things will figure themselves out for you. Time is only what needed. Problems will melt.
At the very least, that is what i have been hearing from everyone :)

Just how can i be this tired? Great job in forcing yourself until now, SW ! :)
At least, i am proud of myself in doing so. Or should i be?

maybe i should've just disappeared . . .

The Rain

I stood there. . . And i feel the rain. It was fierce. I was glad. It was nice.

" WAKE UP ! "
" I don't want ! "

I stood there for some time. I realised some things.

The rain really just fall from the sky.

Every thunder brings more rain.

When i thought i would want to stay there longer . . But how long can i stay?

..................................

Don't wear white clothes though. I wore black :)

Tormenting pain. . . . .

. . . . . . .

Ah. . . Just felt like writing . .

I believe there's always a time or times where you wanted to be alone. To do things you wanted to. To be honest with yourself. To be "naked". ( Don't get dirty-minded ! ) . .What i mean here is to be just yourself. To let all your emotions flow without having to care the people beside you. What will they be thinking. Or how they would think of you afterward. No matter how close that person is to you. You would still want to have a time for yourself :)

Even i am used to being "naked" with my sister. . since we are born together :)
But you know sometimes. . . it's hard. Sometimes, you are too tired to think about others. Sometimes, you just want to break down for a while. The times where nothing can get into you.
You just want yourself that time.

Yea. This feeling is nice. . Everyone's not here :)

Compared to seeing your sister hugging herself in a corner , crying because you said 'pain. . "
Compared to having to know your sister didn't eat because you didn't.
Compared to seeing your brother lost his smiles just because you're different now.
Compared to hearing your mum saying " I'm sorry. . " to you just because she can't help you.

Sorry for writing all these. These are just my expressions. I'm doing well. Will update about my school when school starts next week. Take care, everyone. Please smile so that i can smile back to you :)

these are not my dreams anymore

Actually

Virtual emotionally attraction . . .

Few days ago. . I received a call that i was accepted into Singapore Polytechnic for Materials Science. I was rejected by Nanyang and Ngee Ann Polytechnic though. . This is the only choice i have.But this is not the subject that i don't like either. .I had always love Chemistry. So, that's how it goes.Applied for everything including Tuition Grant and Tuition Fee Loan. So, i've got to stuck here to repay my debts in future. . .As i thought, i can't take the easy way out in Malaysia afterall. It's good that I didn't put much hope in it. I'm too tired to think so much now. At least, i can still study. I had always love studying. I love to learn. . Although i get them all in the hard way, i won't hate studies :)

Haiz. . . Somehow i was reverted back. Too scared to be too happy now. Or shall i ask what is happy now :) ? Too scared to hope now. And basically, too scared to have emotions. Since the results weren't good when i took it all out. When i gave it my all, I received them all back. So, let's keep them half . . . it's okay even if you get them half of them back :)
I'm not as courageous as my popo afterall.

I'm still having nightmares. Since you can't make them go, might as well treat them as a part of your life :) . In there, somehow, all my emotions flow. I was so scared in it. So scared that when i wake up, still i was.I dreamt all these all over and over again. It's really unfair to show me all these now, really. . So scared that tears flow so much in it when i don't dare to run. The thing that i don't understand is that Since it's this tormenting, why that i would still prefer that i don't wake up at all. Also, the thing that i can still do is to question to the validity when i wake up right? :)

I'm growing up, i guess. . You have to listen to truths . They are all harsh ones. Even still, i accept them. This feeling wasn't nice though. It is as if i'm leaving a lot things behind. . I hate this. If can, i don't to give anything up. . I won't :)

School is starting on the 19th. .Kind of lazy . .I had been enjoying my days at home watching loads of good animes. LOL
I'll study as if i were dying. Guess i'll take up Japanese too XD
See me shine . . . And i hope i will. .


I'm sorry that i have to go

For the things that i can't bring you to see

Please see them for yourself

You have to

. tonic. . .tequila. . . vodka. .
. . . cognac. . . whiskey. . wine. . .
. . . . beer. . champagne. . . rum. . . brandy. . . .

Helping you to numb everything. . . at least for a while
I just need a while. . .

No use saying I don't want. . No use saying I want. . .
I'm just going to do it. That's how it is.

Yes. And that's all.

No more please

Sorry

I know :)

I'm forcing myself to do every single little thing.
To breathe. To live. To eat. To study.To move on.
What else do you want me to do?
I'm really tired. Really .

I'm not good at hiding.
Yet you say i hide them well behind my smiles.
Guess i'll show you a nice facade.

Don't want to hear you say " i failed as a mother. . . "

true meaning of tired. . .

Tired is that you just want to lay still,
without moving a single cell of your body,
to stop having anymore emotions that
will strain your brain and heart,
too tired to open your jaws to talk or to eat.

Only with your eyes closed,
and the feel that time has finally stopped for you.

The wish that you could sleep forever.


I wanted to write this for long. During my A levels. But back then, i decided that it is not that serious.I would still want to get up and continue.

Exactly this way now, i feel.

you see, you tore me up quite too much :)

Back From Ipoh. . . .

I miss my bed, i guess . . . Or can i say everything?

I went back to RPS for training but Sir didn't turn up that day. It's good that he rested at home though. Speaking of which, I forgot that i promised him that i would call him before i come back to singapore. Haiz. . .I miss RPS. . Those days. . . the place where i grow and learn a lot of things. . the happiest days of my life. . .the place where everything started after all. . . Happy to see my juniors, coping with their problems well, i hope :)
Managed to talk with my form teacher, Puan Fong a little. It was nice talking to her. Gave me good advices since she is the one who know where are my limits after teaching me for two years. Hope that she didn't go and spread around that i cried while talking that day. Haha. I'm so much used to crying than smiling nowadays :) You're the best teacher i've ever had, Pn. Fong !

Along these few days, i learn that things always won't go the way you wanted them. Not that you like or you want. Nothing of that sort. I talked to mum and mum taught me to be practical. You want it or not, you still have to. I think she is right. Me too. I don't want all this so much. Mum said coming back to Msia to study is very expensive ( i mean good private universities ) . I find it harder to live with family now. I always try my best in making everyone happy include my dad. But i find it so hard now. How can you do it especially when you're not? I think i have lost my old self. And it seems it affects my family a lot. I'm being grumpy all the time. Dad always make use of this and always persuade me to go back more frequently. Why must you force me to please you? Why do you always make me to feel so guilty so much? Only Me. Why not the others?
I cannot do it anymore.

It still feels tough without my popo. And this time, visiting more graves. I broke down when i saw her. I miss popo so much. Other than that, i had always enjoy cheng beng :)

I'm glad that i passed my Undang at one go at 46.
Driving lesson was ok. I was nervous and scared at first.It didn't turn out badly, i guess. I didn't believe that i was driving. Haha. . But i prefer motor. Feels free. I sucked at driving. The engine died kinda lot of times when i was at the slope.The uncle kept scolding me for not being gentle with the brake. I bet all instructors have black rotten teeth and long dirty nails. Still touch my hand summo. T__T I think someone told me this before? Sounds familiar :)
Anyway, i'm looking forward to driving lessons again.


"Ah po, I'm very scared."
"Are you lonely below? "
"Take me away with you . . "

Given what unwanted