Goodbye.

Have peace. Goodbye, dad. I love you :)

Rocher ~

I am starting to write here alot these days...hmm.. good or bad? I dun care ~ XD

I am not really stressed these days...After loads of things happened, i slowed down a little...I pushed myself too much in the past i guess..since secondary sch!!! I don't want to be so stressful and to be in that state of tired again..scary =x

Mostly, i am more of sad though.. I won't deny that. I live in sadness more than happiness. That's something i chose though..I can choose to be happy..Yet, i didn't.. I am learning though..How do you make others happy when you are not? I realized good or bad things that come across in your life all depends on how you see them :)

My life was not that good since childhood. .Let's learn from zero ..Learn how to be happy.. ^^

In life, there's always options.. Don't leave yourself with none. That's what my mum told me :)

Stay positive !

I have frequent back attacks this year.. But at least i can walk and do the things i like :)

My heart beating fast but it reminds me that i am still breathing... :)

I dropped my phone inside the toilet bowl.. but i become more careful with my phone now..lol

I lost my wallet plus all the documents inside....it will definitely serve as my lifetime reminder ==

Maybe a new wallet? :D

My results dropped...but i learn a lot this semester and i still look forward to the next :)

Although my heart still ache every time i thought of my father but i dun live in denial...

I have to settle my brother's shop house..but i will learn something in dealing with a land property. And most important , I learn to make decisions...

School fees. At least i dun burden my parents or brother much... :)

My testings and journals.. It's not about the results that are waiting for me. But it is the process of learning..the methods that i have learnt along the way! Things are pilling up but i will finish them one by one :)

I don't want to see what's beyond my line of vision. Because with that i learn better to cope with the present and treasure them more ! Live with no regrets ! I believe in my heart. My intuitions. My feelings. Myself :)

I didn't get to see the moon lately... Hmmm... Here's my prayer :

"God, please show guidance and love to those whom i hold dear, all my family members and my friends that i come across in my life.. Grant the world peace.."

Sounds stupid..but it has been my prayer for the last 11 years..lol.. Are you ready to die? Ask yourself this.. And you will see life differently. You learn how to live when you learn how to die :)

Is it because of the rocher that i feel so Up now ==

Maintain this feeling !!!

DAd, wake up !!!

Stay strong !

I want everything to stop again... :(

Fuck it, sw !!!! You're not that weak!!!

My popo is blind !!! And all those expression and reactions you get from her is that she is not !!! All the feelings liberated are pure ! She doesnt even complain about any pain nor fear ! She smiles and laughed all pains away !!! She didn't stop exercising.. She still climbed to the cycling machine though she is in pain ! And yet you're giving up without putting up much fight !!! Why can you be so selfish !!! Have you ever spare a thought for the others watching over you???

I still remembered my last conversation with my granny. She was encouraging me on my exams, not even asking me to come back to see her :(

I felt as if i was jogging when i woke up. Heart beating so fast just now :(

Fuck it, sw.. Stay strong !!!

Back from ipoh...

I just don't want him to suffer anymore.. I don't know what to do. I cannot even do anything to reduce his suffering.

Why am i a grown-up so fast? Why don't i just sit down and cry? Just cry and cry?

Because crying doesn't even helps!

father admitted to hospital...

I just don't want him to suffer anymore...I know and am aware of the sins he committed. .But has not all the suffering he has been enduring paid off some? It hurts...so much to think about it. I am an optimistic person...or rather i choose not to say negative things.. I feel somehow positive will attract positive things...

My father is a strong person. Used to be.

He admitted to hospital once. We thought we would be losing him that time. He survived the hell. Dialysis infections...That time was stomach.. Ended up he need to shift from peritoneal dialysis to haemodialysis around 6 years ago..

The effect of the infections this time will be more deadly because it might directly travel up to your brain. This time, it was his lungs..

It hurts...I didnt spend much time with him.. Not enough, i would say. It was silly of me to still grab hold of the past. To still have vengeance on what he has done. I chose to forgot most of them. Because i want my life..not his shadow over mine's.. He has changed so much ever since! He gave me money thru mum this time. Said it was for my back. He didn't complain much already...He praises rather than scolds now...

I forgive you, dad. For everything that you have done.

Will you forgive me for all things that i have done and things that i should have done?

I wonder how can someone attach to something so detached... and while in the opp , to detach from something so attached? Can someone really do that? Maybe...

It hurts but i have to stay strong because i am already a grown-up.

Accept it and do what your heart tells you to.. Be brave and bold enough..I will not make myself regret anymore. Spend more time with your family..Anything can happen at anytime. So, you forgive. You forgive your family members, your friends and even yourself.

It hurts...just how the fuck i am going out with hong ling later on... :(

it just hurts

Results ~

My GPA overall is only 3.58... Hmmm.. yea.. I forced myself a little too much, i guess...

My results were devastating enough to send me a pang of tiredness that made me to lose all my concentration and patience on my project today. I just asked my mentor whether i can continue my testings tmr....In the end, i didn't do much.. I just left.. I feel sudden heavy all over :(

I will stop forcing myself to do the things that i don't like to do anymore. I will rest and give a heck to the world when i am really tired. I need the rest. My soul. My body. My mind :)

The essence of happiness : Be grateful. Be satisfied :)

I won't work harder next semester. I won't give my all. . I will just try my best in everything. Yea, i am just going to do that.. :)

I don't want to stress myself so much anymore. . .so much that i would want everything to stop.. I won't want myself to get so tired any more. . I'll just grab all the knowledge that is available :)

Mayb in that way, things change for the better? Maybe...

All easier to be said than done, huh...i need to keep reminding myself this...jiayou shanwen !

I am who i am !

Can i don't go to work? :(

Managed to find some peace at Mc ~

It has been really long since !!! :D

I just back from Mc near my house... since i couldn't go back early today..Feeling feverish, dunno where to go..I remembered my spot ... :D

There was a spot which i particularly liked.. the sofa was comfortable enough..It was nice sitting there enjoying the rain, stormy clouds and the sky that slowly goes dark... From above, you could see ppl walking towards the Bus Interchange or Clementi Mall... :) It was really peaceful up there.. Slow songs being played while i enjoyed my time reading my book and folding rocher roses..I finished my supply of rocher finally...Now, waiting for my pay to come before i can buy some to fold again ~ Some alone peaceful time that i enjoyed quite much.. XD

The last time i sat there was with my sister. And yea...she took the opportunity to force down 5 Breadtalk breads into my stomach that time !!! I wasn't in clear state that time == I shall skip this...

The capsules swelled too much over the weekends...ended up i had to remake them today.. However, these freshly made capsules..especially those coated with calcium chloride, was hard to find under the microscope ! It took me huge effort..I almost faint inside the lab today...Ended up i can't complete the test successfully today and the readings are all off !!

I need to re-do again tmr :(

I usually ask myself this : "When you said you had try your best, it that your very best?"

Let's make the best out of worst , shall we ? :)

Going to lie down on bed to continue reading my book ....cough cough*

I 'm going to get myself one stick of rocher each time i get my pay ! :D

Some updates :)

Alginate generated from brown algae.. They are the negative ions and the main ingredient to cross link with with the positive cations from calcium chloride and barium chloride. .and micro-capsules would be formed. These capsules are to protect what will be stored inside and to transfer them to the designated location in our body for treatments :)

I am to made these capsules out and to test them with various test like the swelling, diffusion and mechanical test during my 6 weeks time in NTU. These are the brief description of what i will be doing there. It looked fun and interesting. I am bad with machines. But my mentor is a really nice girl. She teaches me alot and really basic stuff everyday. She doesn't mind repeating and answering my noob questions.. LOL . .

I learnt quite much as in to be able to take things in hand with confident, to be brave to try out those instruments cos she is just here to guide me and all. . I am really bad with machines but i have to be able to do it !!!!

One thing for sure... I don't like to work in labs.. Material Science in NTU can either go engineering side or research side... Hmmm. .She told me that she always work alone. I don't like to wear lab coats, masks and gloves. Something i confirmed today. I wouldn't want to wear that everyday ! Deep inside, i know what i want to go after. But hmmm...Would you go for rationality or ideality?  :)
let's see how things go. . I'll walk step by step . .taking deep breathes in between. . breathing as i go.

My back is super good now. As in, i expect it to attack me after i bend so much in labs, it didn't !
Hmmm. . I didn't know it will really recover. . LOL thanks for dragging me go, man...

I get rest as much as possible after my wallet incident...laptop incident..All due to lack of rest ... My tired mind ( I don't feel as dead outside my body ) . . closes me up from remembering or knowing what i am really doing.. I cannot recall and i do things unknowingly.. And the outcome can be so disastrous. I must not repeat my mistakes !!!  :(     I am still sad though it's no point  T___________T

And yea... If things meant to be yours, they shall be :)

Let's pray hard, shall we ? That things from this point onwards, will only get better !
Mum might be coming next week ! I missed her ! Treasure time with your loved ones. I learnt my lesson well enough when my popo passed away. I didn't spend much time with her because i was chionging my A levels. Her condition worsen when she came SG to visit my sister and I . Make time for them. Don't allow yourself to regret later :)

I am Shanwen. Be yourself. Be true :)

 under the moon

i pray 

First day working at Tampines 1 ~

Today's first day of work at Tampines 1 was not bad afterall... I didn't expect it to be this way though :)

I am used to stand throughout for the 4 hours in Spice. Today was just smiling to customers and answering their various questions, looking at happy families, looking at innocent children's faces , day-dreaming on my own.. looking at various things that you can find inside Cold Storage.. I don't mind travelling that far though. . Anyway, this is only the first day . . I still have weekends to come. Those will be full 7 hours of job...

NTU would be everyday travelling to Pioneer Mrt, taking the shuttle bus. . to reach School of Material Engineering at 9am . .The building was damn huge..I only know that i am posted at Lab B2. My mentor looks like a good person =) I look forward for what i am going to learn ! She sent me loads and loads of reading material already T.T

I am kind of timid...hahaha..scared of what's going to come. But's it thrills me..a good feel and emotion :)

I still dun dare to let emotions flow into me...i am just such a timid girl..

I just feel like looking at the moon. And just continue looking at her :)