On a very fine Thursday afternoon...

It has been really long since i take breaks like this...Huiwen went out :) Good time to blog :)

This term looks good to me...Hope i can really do well this time and pull my GPA back up again...I have to admit that i am abit tired of studying...but i still do love to learn new things... One of the reasons why i dowan to go to uni..dun have the heart to chiong for studies liao...scared later i cannot cope in university just like in A levels...very disappointing results no matter how hard i try... Let's see on my Diploma graduation day ! I shall concentrate on my goals ! Adv in Polymer Tech ! and Masters ! Everyone saying Degree is much more secure...But in my situation, i think Adv is better for me.. I have to step out of the comfort zone !!! be confident enough that i can do this !

I have better control of my emotions lately :) I really glad..I cried less now..But sometimes, i just let them flow cos my heart hurts..the 'slicing feeling'....As much as i hate it, it reminds me that i am human :) i have feelings and emotions.. Not a machine..I can complain as much as i allow myself to..I don't give a damn to others when they say i am weak..Complaining and crying both are not considered weak! Cos I chose to show rather than hide now. That is my comfort zone..Isn't yours. Glad that i can recover fast too..I'd rather feel all now :)
I used to hate emotions.. I don't want to feel. Because i am afraid of the pain. I block all those out.. I don't know good or bad..Somehow, the previous-happy-me seems all so fake now.. Why do i happy just to make others happy? Why don't I let my emotions flow so that i can be what i am in front of others? Because as much as i want others to be happy because of me, i want myself to get happiness because of them too :)

i used to call all these as depressions, because i can understand no reason i should be sad ! However, if i think back, there is actually reasons why i feel so..Admitting that those reasons make me sad was the hardest thing to myself!!! Too little and mundane to be considered reasons to cause serious damage to my emotions...lol.. I think others suffering from "depression" had reasons too.. This what i read from the book : " have a little faith"... I was reading this very same book when my father passed away..It was really a good book.. :)

I still haven't quite let go of my father..Speaking of him still abit hard..I missed him :( I wonder how long it will take me to speak of him without feeling heavy inside..I am going back to my Ipoh house for the first time after the funeral..My heart feels heavy... he used to pick me up whenever i go back for almost 5 years since i came to Singapore.. :)

God,
grant me strength and wisdom to see things through.

Thanks for finding me in my dreams, dad... I have a good time talking and feeding you lunch.. :)

I have missed your voice and smile very much... :)

You still look very sick though... :(

To MH :

You are insensitive if you fail to realize what i really feel about what you always ask me when u are alone with me.. I am begging you not to ask or mention that of me anymore..

Please.

Things that i wan myself to do ... :)

Things that i want myself to do :

1. Rest as much as i can.

2. To stay calm and control my inner rage.

3. Reward and treat myself better.

4. To read more books and do some inner reflections.

5. Be more patient.

6. Express myself more in any forms.

7. Befriend everyone and learn more from great ppl.

8. Be confident.

9. Don't lie to myself.

10. Don't overly concern myself with other ppl de problem.

I would come and read this many times as a reminder to myself.. :)

can't sleep ...

Staying up all night. . . sure bring back memories ! :)

My mind is so clear.... lol

My 5-year plan... :)

I have been wanting to write this thing out long ago...i had a really fulfilling studying time today ! So, yea...Let's blog! :D

I read a lot these days... Reading really helps :)

It really changed my point of thinking in life...What i really want...Where shall i start and go after this...the year coming to an end soon!! I am really glad...Finally, i am able to make my mind about my future..A very important turning point and choice in my life..

1 ) I dowan my mum to pay any of my schooling fees anymore. She already had enough :) She shud be resting and enjoying life at her age..and not worrying about my studies..I will do the Advanced Diploma in Polymer Science Technology for 2 years at SP :)

Meanwhile, i will gain experience by working part-time....and pay my own school fees and living expenses...Let's see my own self-worth :)

2 ) After my Advanced Dip, I will do my Masters..either in collaboration with Loughborough University in Singapore or directly go to the university in UK and complete my Masters there for a year.. I plan to move out too..It's really not so good staying with your brother and his family somehow..i would say got good got bad.. :)

3) I will work for some time before converting back to teaching...Poly students ba.. That has been what i really visualized myself as ..I was inspired by my sec school teacher...and all the "sucky" teacher that came across in my life..I always thought that i could do better than them..><

My parents are both teachers.. I helped my father to give tuition back in Malaysia..I taught primary students Malay and English :)

4) I always wanted to open a cafe....LOL....Another reason why i enjoyed playing Cafe World at fb...lol...Let's see.. I always wanted to open my dream cafe :D

This one..hmm.... will push forward to 10-20 years plan... lol

This is my five-year plan...have you make your's ? :)

It's good to have a direction...But as usual..I still prefer to take things as they come..Future is subjected to changes :) Commitments and responsibilities will come after you...

Let's see how things go !! I am Shanwen !! :D

Alcohols ~

How often do you drink alcohol?? :)

There will always be only two reasons for me to drink..not because of my brother asking us to join him or something...But i do like to drink with my friends... :)

1 ) I want to sleep...It's either my mind is too clear for my body to sleep ( like these days) ..or that i just want to hold myself from breaking apart...

2 ) I want to let the dark-side of me out..I love myself more in that state. I am more daring to feel and to ask anything for myself.. To feel what i really feel..To unleash all the feelings that i held back.. i cried ten times more badly...I complain like i never complain before, ignoring all those ppl that are much more unfortunate than me.... All those ppl and things that cause me pain, I will ask each of those to fuck off from my life...LOL But i dun like the dark-me at all :)

She is too selfish and negative !

If it's possible, i would really like to enjoy my drinking sessions with friends... :)

Can 'I' come out?

I have a "bad morning" every morning :(

Shouldn't really live in denial, aye? My heart will remind me how weak i am, anyways....

23.11.2011..My dearest popo,

It was only 2 years back... :(

I remembered clearly...

whenever my grandmother held my cold hands, she would rub them warm..her hands were smooth..."Aiyoo...why your hands so cold?? " . . Whenever i cooked meals for her , she would try to eat as much as she can..She appreciates every thing that we did for her..I changed her diapers willingly..I massaged her everyday...Oh gosh..I miss her like a lot..Alot!!! :(

She was the most gentle women i have ever encountered in my life..the most caring and understanding...no one can replace this position in my heart...I want to be someone like her..

Ah po..

how are you?

Grateful...

When you have my "kind of thing"...You'll feel awesome when you get to breathe so well sometimes...You'll appreciate things even more..I learnt not to ask for much..Sometimes..when my heart beat too fast..It makes me wonder...will it stop at the certain point of time??

Thank God..I survived today !! :D

Make my mornings more bearable..May i feel great every morning i wake up..

Protect all those i hold dear in my heart..family and friends..grant them good health and their good wishes..Guide them along their way and show them light when they are lost :)

I wish for happiness for all the people beside me...

under e moon

i pray

Dad....

Hmmm...I thought i might be imagining thing too much or that i am too tired these days...But this is how was started :

16.11.2011

Two days ago..outside Spice, I was looking at the sky to search for e moon..Instead i saw a tiny shiny line shoot past in the sky !! I thought i saw a shooting star or something... Wei Sheng came out and i told him about this.. He asked me don't care so much and make a wish anyway !

I did make one wish that day :)

Till I felt my father suddenly and i asked Wei Sheng to go back first....Hmmmm....It was harder than what i have imagined. You won't know how much a person weighs in your heart till you lose him or her..So true..I was really torn when i saw him. But i don't want to cry in front of him..I look at him..So much too clearly...he feels...sad..He is crying....

When i lifted off my gaze back to the sky, he left..I stood there quite long till i went back to Spice..Feelings all eating me up inside.. :(

Ah dee , I really missed you alot these days... Thank you for coming.... :)

I woke up with a "rushing heart-beat" in the clinic today... I dun dare to move at all...I know if i were to stand, i would definitely faint.. I don't know what i should i do if it was my turn..I sat there till i fell slept again.... :(

Till i was okay to stand, i stood up and asked the nurse whether i missed my turn or something...Heng..it was really not my turn yet..Sigh !!!

Prayers ~

Japan Title : Inori ~

English Title : You Raise me Up ~

By : Lena Park

From : Romeo x Juliet (OP)

In the depths of my tear-filled eyes, Is your everlasting beauty. "How far does the world go?" Those words from our bygone days.

Even on those freezing, stormy nights, Though you are still out of sight, I continue on. Please tell me, ocean-crossing winds, That my prayers will pass through time.

Beyond the misty horizons, Stars are fabled to lie. "Dawn will surely follow every night." The sins of my past laughs.

I try to embrace you trembling with uncertainty, But I look up at the empty sky beyond reach. I hear the chime that illuminates darkness, Showing me that the path to you is still far.

Even on those freezing, stormy nights, Though you are still out of sight, I continue on. Please tell me, ocean-crossing winds, That my prayers will pass through time.

My prayers will pass through time. .............................................................. Today is 11.11.11 !!! I am going to post this on 11.11 pm !!! :D Hmmm..just feel like sharing this song :) I have been praying a lot under the moon lately .... I wonder if your prayers will really be heard by the God.. Hmmm... :) I love night walks and the cooling night wind :)

F....

I was at the edge of slapping a guy in public today!!!

In the end, i just walked off after asking him to FUCK OFF from my sister's life.

I think the whole FC 5 should have heard me... oh gosh...

I am glad that she fell hard this time.. I hope that she would learn well after this :)

I can do it. So do you, ah man... No one can help you if you don't want to help yourself..

You are a grown-up already. Don't make ppl worry. Remember that..

don't ever let me see you again

i mean it

Tired day ~

DO you need to take care of a baby at the age of 18-21?

From my first nephew till the second one... It has been years i held on this responsibility.. Because it is something that i have already committed...this heavy responsibility...

Sometimes...I feel bad for feeling this way at all...But when times like this..My ah sou flying to UK for 2 weeks...soon will be followed by my brother for the next two weeks to Shanghai...and although the maid is coming...She has no experience at all...do you think you can trust her to take care of TWO babies at the same time??? Also at the same time like this...I am fucking weak and sick...

I have my assignments pilling up ...I cannot even go work for these following weeks..My bank account keep depreciating... Have you guys give it a thought?? Did you guys do the same things as me when you were at my age?? Why don't you guys wash the piles of clothes? Why don't you guys wash the dishes after you guys use it??? Why you guys just don't fill up the water ??

Every morning, the kick always come..I need to breathe for awhile..Rest for a while before i wake up ...I will end up being all so tired every morning...every morning i dragged myself out of the bed..I cannot even go run and relax...I feel like i cannot even breathe sometimes ! I cannot do the thing i like when i feel like it !

Ah sou flying off tonite...and i don't know how things will go...But all i know now is i am all so tired.. I want to stop taking care of my nephews...I want to feel free from these commitments...I am not even attached! Not to mention married !

Because i am someone who will not dump my responsibilities that i have already committed earlier!!!

Guess that i am really tired today... :(

A little bit more till december. . . decmber 27th to be exact D:

A little bit more till know what happen to my heart....Just what happen???

Why getting harder and harder to breathe? :(

Top 5 Meat List !!!

No.1 : MOS burger !!

No.2 : Kenny Roggers!!! ( last time i ate was 3 years ago ! ) - first thing i wanna eat after i take off my braces !!!

No.3 : Otak otak !!

No.4 : Unagi Maki and loads of Sushi !!

No.5 : HOTDOGS !!!

Oh gosh...I hungry so easy lately...and i think now also ... D:

Memories ~

When i hoppped into the 99 Bus yesterday...My sister and i were shocked to see that uncle again...LOL....we used to sit 99 to Jurong JC last time.. And he still could remember us after all the changes...Being a twin plus a metal-ppl usually attracts alot of acquaintances in life.. :)

Good or bad thing hard to say...

I found back the person who helped me to perm my hair...I was happy to see her to still working at the same place ! We sat back at the same seat also..Hmmm...My motivation of perming my hair is still the same :)

All the memories coming back..Last time...i used to wake up at 5.43am..then rushed for bus 185 or 99 at 6.30am...reached sch at 7...studied half an hour before assembly..JC life was tough, man... If i have to work summo for that point of time..i think i will die...LOL

Had a wonderful dinner and walk with friends at Orchard..though i can't take meat :D But it has been really long since i really eat a meal...I ate cookies, breads..fruits or chocolates for meals lately...I am so sorry that i couldnt wish Xinyu and i wished i could have at least bought her a cake!

School and work all okies :D . . .Hmmm...I rewinding to get back to the happy-go-lucky me..trying hard not to complain as much cos problems is always how you see them :) I am trying to live with the heart beats and lose-off balance sometimes..I don't know what happen to me but I feel fine sometimes...I don't like to rely on medicine too much... I just don't like it when it affects my surrounding ppls...Forgive me :)

And i believe it will RECOVER !!!

Dad, are you looking at us now? You can leave peacefully and without any worries ok? We are all fine ! You must let go and go to heaven !!! Jiayou!

they are blind but they can see from their heart :)

Wow...I stood for nearly ten hours straight man.... Lucky that i went for back treatments earlier...or else i think it should be...hmmm break? But all the same..back pain... :(

If you buy ten dollar worth of the product, you'll get a free massage from a blind man :)

My sister and I were assigned to send the two blind man to the mrt station...They were really friendly. And what makes me salute them the most is they can even laugh when they reviewed back the past that they cannot continue their studies because their eyesight worsen..As in they can take it as a joke and laugh it off...jiayou uncles!!! :)

Feel like eating a MOS burger now =x meat de.... =x

amitabha...

Inner peace..

Finally the NTU attachment ended ... :)

It goes pretty well...I was really lucky that i got a really good mentor plus i didnt choose the wrong project to work on ! Pheww.... Although i like to learn, I don't like to work with machines... like what my other classmates need to.. So, will i continue on material science after my diploma ? That is the answer that i wish to find out throughout my attachment in NTU...Hmmm....I still cannot find the answer :(

Cos...I still cannot find what i really like to do ....But am i someone who chases over ideality or rationality? let's see how things go anyway...I want to be a worry-less person ..lol

How long has it been since my heart beat so normal? LOL...I ate medicine and it's like OMG...I can breathe so well ! I ate the medicine cos i want to feel comfortable for my presentation and it did :) After this, all presentations at SP will be like ...hehe much easier...My family didn't teach us to take things easy. We don't like to say the word "easy" because parents will expect alot from it when you say so...LOL...so yea..unless i am very confident, the word easy rarely will come out from my mouth.. ^^

I like night walks....especially when the weather is so cooling...It's like every pores of my body enjoying the comfy feeling when the slight breeze blows over you...When you look up and feel the wind..open and let your ears reach far...concentrate and listen to the tree talks...This is what i call inner peace ! :D

I want to eat loads of sushi !!! Loads and loads of them.....

Hey dad...

"Dad, can i go watch movie today?"

I don't think i have asked that question in my whole life. Or my dad's whole life. Before i left..the last time i saw him in the hospital , he looked at me with those eyes..cannot-bear-to-let-go eyes...It was like the last look...I dun like it....don't see me with those eyes... :(

Before i go and catch my bus, you were finally sleeping..I was glad cos you didn't sleep at all for two-three days straight ! You can't talk...You didn't respond to me. You didn't give me any expressions either.. You were so in pain and yet you couldn't tell us where...I wonder if that's when you got your mild stroke that mum failed to notice..You were fucking thin...I'd rather you talk and kept on scolding us like the times you were hospitalized in the past ! Slap me, Beat me or anything cos i didn't do the things the way you want me to!

I don't want to blame my mum for not staying over that day to watch over you that day ..Why didn't you tell the nurses that you didn't eat ? How are you going to withstand the dialysis without eating anything? Why mum wasn't there to make sure you eat? Why mum didn't just show her concern more towards you? Why mum doesn't want to share a room with you when you are so sick after i come to Sg? Why you go and do all those things in the past that make yourself despicable? Why you make all your children hate you somehow? I don't want to remember all those ! You told me that you have money to use when you sent me money for my back ! But i found nothing in your room to settle card bills when i was back for your funeral !

Even now, I always thought you were the one calling our house phone like you used to everyday :( I miss you, dad...Oh my gosh...I was a much stronger person with you by my side !

Feelings creeping all in ....All delayed feelings like my mum said. Delayed reactions. Cos your mind protects you from breaking down.

I sinned today. I went and watched a movie with my sis...It was an unplanned one. But somehow, i wanted my mind to go off somewhere..I am so fucking weak.. I am no fighter. I am breaking into pieces..My mind and my body...Zm just reminded me of this last night..It was just so true..I am afraid to stop..So i just keep on going and pushing myself to my limit-less.

Until all these illness.. and things that will be soon going to be better around me, I will stop :)

No matter how much I am not used to. I will take breaks. But I am proud of myself since...I took alot of breaks this time. Physically and mentally. I am going to lazy. I want someone to say me lazy for once in my lifetime...lol

I thank you, dad for making me who i am. I am proud of myself. And it's enough for me that you knew :)

That's why i said much earlier that i hoped hard that you won't see me through...but you didnt leave me some rooms for myself . . And see through me right till the end. And helped me to say words that i don't dare to say out loud for myself.I got all too comfortable around you.

But I thank you for all your honest concerns. Really :)

Let's finish it tmr !

Super Ouch .. :(

It hits me like a pang of reality when i woke up .... :(

Fucking pain....

Heart beat...

My heart beat getting worst..not about the very pain feeling till i need to hold onto my chest. .

It just made me feel uncomfortable...Hard to breathe..Have to breathe in harder..Or is it that i am thinking too much? Hahaaa...my emotion makes it worst...yea...i have my emotions to control over me :( Better than to have no emotions at all right?

Sometimes in the morning...the way it beats, it's like so fast...so fast.. :(

Goodbye.

Have peace. Goodbye, dad. I love you :)

Rocher ~

I am starting to write here alot these days...hmm.. good or bad? I dun care ~ XD

I am not really stressed these days...After loads of things happened, i slowed down a little...I pushed myself too much in the past i guess..since secondary sch!!! I don't want to be so stressful and to be in that state of tired again..scary =x

Mostly, i am more of sad though.. I won't deny that. I live in sadness more than happiness. That's something i chose though..I can choose to be happy..Yet, i didn't.. I am learning though..How do you make others happy when you are not? I realized good or bad things that come across in your life all depends on how you see them :)

My life was not that good since childhood. .Let's learn from zero ..Learn how to be happy.. ^^

In life, there's always options.. Don't leave yourself with none. That's what my mum told me :)

Stay positive !

I have frequent back attacks this year.. But at least i can walk and do the things i like :)

My heart beating fast but it reminds me that i am still breathing... :)

I dropped my phone inside the toilet bowl.. but i become more careful with my phone now..lol

I lost my wallet plus all the documents inside....it will definitely serve as my lifetime reminder ==

Maybe a new wallet? :D

My results dropped...but i learn a lot this semester and i still look forward to the next :)

Although my heart still ache every time i thought of my father but i dun live in denial...

I have to settle my brother's shop house..but i will learn something in dealing with a land property. And most important , I learn to make decisions...

School fees. At least i dun burden my parents or brother much... :)

My testings and journals.. It's not about the results that are waiting for me. But it is the process of learning..the methods that i have learnt along the way! Things are pilling up but i will finish them one by one :)

I don't want to see what's beyond my line of vision. Because with that i learn better to cope with the present and treasure them more ! Live with no regrets ! I believe in my heart. My intuitions. My feelings. Myself :)

I didn't get to see the moon lately... Hmmm... Here's my prayer :

"God, please show guidance and love to those whom i hold dear, all my family members and my friends that i come across in my life.. Grant the world peace.."

Sounds stupid..but it has been my prayer for the last 11 years..lol.. Are you ready to die? Ask yourself this.. And you will see life differently. You learn how to live when you learn how to die :)

Is it because of the rocher that i feel so Up now ==

Maintain this feeling !!!

DAd, wake up !!!

Stay strong !

I want everything to stop again... :(

Fuck it, sw !!!! You're not that weak!!!

My popo is blind !!! And all those expression and reactions you get from her is that she is not !!! All the feelings liberated are pure ! She doesnt even complain about any pain nor fear ! She smiles and laughed all pains away !!! She didn't stop exercising.. She still climbed to the cycling machine though she is in pain ! And yet you're giving up without putting up much fight !!! Why can you be so selfish !!! Have you ever spare a thought for the others watching over you???

I still remembered my last conversation with my granny. She was encouraging me on my exams, not even asking me to come back to see her :(

I felt as if i was jogging when i woke up. Heart beating so fast just now :(

Fuck it, sw.. Stay strong !!!

Back from ipoh...

I just don't want him to suffer anymore.. I don't know what to do. I cannot even do anything to reduce his suffering.

Why am i a grown-up so fast? Why don't i just sit down and cry? Just cry and cry?

Because crying doesn't even helps!

father admitted to hospital...

I just don't want him to suffer anymore...I know and am aware of the sins he committed. .But has not all the suffering he has been enduring paid off some? It hurts...so much to think about it. I am an optimistic person...or rather i choose not to say negative things.. I feel somehow positive will attract positive things...

My father is a strong person. Used to be.

He admitted to hospital once. We thought we would be losing him that time. He survived the hell. Dialysis infections...That time was stomach.. Ended up he need to shift from peritoneal dialysis to haemodialysis around 6 years ago..

The effect of the infections this time will be more deadly because it might directly travel up to your brain. This time, it was his lungs..

It hurts...I didnt spend much time with him.. Not enough, i would say. It was silly of me to still grab hold of the past. To still have vengeance on what he has done. I chose to forgot most of them. Because i want my life..not his shadow over mine's.. He has changed so much ever since! He gave me money thru mum this time. Said it was for my back. He didn't complain much already...He praises rather than scolds now...

I forgive you, dad. For everything that you have done.

Will you forgive me for all things that i have done and things that i should have done?

I wonder how can someone attach to something so detached... and while in the opp , to detach from something so attached? Can someone really do that? Maybe...

It hurts but i have to stay strong because i am already a grown-up.

Accept it and do what your heart tells you to.. Be brave and bold enough..I will not make myself regret anymore. Spend more time with your family..Anything can happen at anytime. So, you forgive. You forgive your family members, your friends and even yourself.

It hurts...just how the fuck i am going out with hong ling later on... :(

it just hurts

Results ~

My GPA overall is only 3.58... Hmmm.. yea.. I forced myself a little too much, i guess...

My results were devastating enough to send me a pang of tiredness that made me to lose all my concentration and patience on my project today. I just asked my mentor whether i can continue my testings tmr....In the end, i didn't do much.. I just left.. I feel sudden heavy all over :(

I will stop forcing myself to do the things that i don't like to do anymore. I will rest and give a heck to the world when i am really tired. I need the rest. My soul. My body. My mind :)

The essence of happiness : Be grateful. Be satisfied :)

I won't work harder next semester. I won't give my all. . I will just try my best in everything. Yea, i am just going to do that.. :)

I don't want to stress myself so much anymore. . .so much that i would want everything to stop.. I won't want myself to get so tired any more. . I'll just grab all the knowledge that is available :)

Mayb in that way, things change for the better? Maybe...

All easier to be said than done, huh...i need to keep reminding myself this...jiayou shanwen !

I am who i am !

Can i don't go to work? :(

Managed to find some peace at Mc ~

It has been really long since !!! :D

I just back from Mc near my house... since i couldn't go back early today..Feeling feverish, dunno where to go..I remembered my spot ... :D

There was a spot which i particularly liked.. the sofa was comfortable enough..It was nice sitting there enjoying the rain, stormy clouds and the sky that slowly goes dark... From above, you could see ppl walking towards the Bus Interchange or Clementi Mall... :) It was really peaceful up there.. Slow songs being played while i enjoyed my time reading my book and folding rocher roses..I finished my supply of rocher finally...Now, waiting for my pay to come before i can buy some to fold again ~ Some alone peaceful time that i enjoyed quite much.. XD

The last time i sat there was with my sister. And yea...she took the opportunity to force down 5 Breadtalk breads into my stomach that time !!! I wasn't in clear state that time == I shall skip this...

The capsules swelled too much over the weekends...ended up i had to remake them today.. However, these freshly made capsules..especially those coated with calcium chloride, was hard to find under the microscope ! It took me huge effort..I almost faint inside the lab today...Ended up i can't complete the test successfully today and the readings are all off !!

I need to re-do again tmr :(

I usually ask myself this : "When you said you had try your best, it that your very best?"

Let's make the best out of worst , shall we ? :)

Going to lie down on bed to continue reading my book ....cough cough*

I 'm going to get myself one stick of rocher each time i get my pay ! :D

Some updates :)

Alginate generated from brown algae.. They are the negative ions and the main ingredient to cross link with with the positive cations from calcium chloride and barium chloride. .and micro-capsules would be formed. These capsules are to protect what will be stored inside and to transfer them to the designated location in our body for treatments :)

I am to made these capsules out and to test them with various test like the swelling, diffusion and mechanical test during my 6 weeks time in NTU. These are the brief description of what i will be doing there. It looked fun and interesting. I am bad with machines. But my mentor is a really nice girl. She teaches me alot and really basic stuff everyday. She doesn't mind repeating and answering my noob questions.. LOL . .

I learnt quite much as in to be able to take things in hand with confident, to be brave to try out those instruments cos she is just here to guide me and all. . I am really bad with machines but i have to be able to do it !!!!

One thing for sure... I don't like to work in labs.. Material Science in NTU can either go engineering side or research side... Hmmm. .She told me that she always work alone. I don't like to wear lab coats, masks and gloves. Something i confirmed today. I wouldn't want to wear that everyday ! Deep inside, i know what i want to go after. But hmmm...Would you go for rationality or ideality?  :)
let's see how things go. . I'll walk step by step . .taking deep breathes in between. . breathing as i go.

My back is super good now. As in, i expect it to attack me after i bend so much in labs, it didn't !
Hmmm. . I didn't know it will really recover. . LOL thanks for dragging me go, man...

I get rest as much as possible after my wallet incident...laptop incident..All due to lack of rest ... My tired mind ( I don't feel as dead outside my body ) . . closes me up from remembering or knowing what i am really doing.. I cannot recall and i do things unknowingly.. And the outcome can be so disastrous. I must not repeat my mistakes !!!  :(     I am still sad though it's no point  T___________T

And yea... If things meant to be yours, they shall be :)

Let's pray hard, shall we ? That things from this point onwards, will only get better !
Mum might be coming next week ! I missed her ! Treasure time with your loved ones. I learnt my lesson well enough when my popo passed away. I didn't spend much time with her because i was chionging my A levels. Her condition worsen when she came SG to visit my sister and I . Make time for them. Don't allow yourself to regret later :)

I am Shanwen. Be yourself. Be true :)

 under the moon

i pray 

First day working at Tampines 1 ~

Today's first day of work at Tampines 1 was not bad afterall... I didn't expect it to be this way though :)

I am used to stand throughout for the 4 hours in Spice. Today was just smiling to customers and answering their various questions, looking at happy families, looking at innocent children's faces , day-dreaming on my own.. looking at various things that you can find inside Cold Storage.. I don't mind travelling that far though. . Anyway, this is only the first day . . I still have weekends to come. Those will be full 7 hours of job...

NTU would be everyday travelling to Pioneer Mrt, taking the shuttle bus. . to reach School of Material Engineering at 9am . .The building was damn huge..I only know that i am posted at Lab B2. My mentor looks like a good person =) I look forward for what i am going to learn ! She sent me loads and loads of reading material already T.T

I am kind of timid...hahaha..scared of what's going to come. But's it thrills me..a good feel and emotion :)

I still dun dare to let emotions flow into me...i am just such a timid girl..

I just feel like looking at the moon. And just continue looking at her :)

The Heart ~

Heart is a very miraculous thing. It beats by its own. An involuntary organism that the body have no control over. Except that you have a strong mind over your own heart.

A frog's heart will continue to beat for a while even though it is detached from its own body.

Your heart reckon's the truth and sees what your eyes can't see. Your heart listens to things that are unspoken... I saw ..... today and my heart goes all peace :)

Is your mind stronger than your heart? I have the will but i don't have the heart to do it... I couldn't bring myself to do it... good thing or bad thing? I don't think i want to care about it anymore.. I am just going to step forward even though i am in the dark. Just like the courage that my grandmother had when she lost her eye sight.. :) She didn't even said that she was scared before. Not even once.

Ah... finally i am having my last paper of this semester... Things were definitely tougher this year. I went to for a job interview today. I don't have a choice but i have to work during weekends. I want so much to just concentrate fully on my studies and get good grades. Haha. . . I feel quite redundant these days. I don't have much mission or goals in life. A life without goals is kind of tough for me..but it's enjoyable to live without one :)

I have been living like that for years since i realized this part of myself.

Bad times will pass and good times will come !!! Use the good times to recover and stay strong from the bad times so that you are prepared when bad times strike again !!!

It ain't about what's lying on the other end.

And it ain't about how fast i am going to get there.

All I need to do is just keep pushing on !

..................All is what i have missed..............

..............All is what i miss.............

......All is what i yearn.....

.All is what i longed.

. . .

what are your longings? :)

I promise you that i will come out .. okay ? ^^

~*_"- a LiTtLe of sW ~*-"~

Time flies. . I am officially 21 now. And i feel older than that. LOL

Girls at 21 should be sweet and worry-free ! 21 is still considered a small age to me .. A girl and lady intermediate :)

I used to get beatings and scoldings from my dad. .All sorts of rough scoldings that can come from anything at all. Even on my birthday!!! I grew up taking up all those. Beatings. Scoldings. Torture. Disgusting Touches that i don't want to remember at all. Some part of these memories were lost. My mind protects me really well sometimes :)

But he is a good teacher. HE made me to what i am today. What have past have already past. He is already so sick. I think i have forgiven him since he is my father, afterall :)

Plus, he might have worse parents than me. I heard my grandmother ( father-side) is a torture freak. LOL

My birthday were all dull until i met KM. . that add colorful memories in my life. She celebrated every year of my birthday with me until i go to Sg. .I thank you :)

A lot of things really happen. I went through the first phase of my life. "Teenage" gone ==

I believe the change is something that one needs in life. The change is always good. Everything happens for a good reason :)

I look forward. I really look forward on how or what i may become one day. What further changes that i will come across in my life :)

I am just a plain-simple girl that just want a simple-happy life who gets to have a simple-good laugh everyday :)

i am sw !

23 August 2011 ~

I had a wonderful 21st birthday . despite all the tears !

Thanks you so so much.. will write further more about it after tmr's fucking paper :)

Omg.. I'm 21 already ....

Jiayou, sw ! Fuck it. really....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My day started with a Mr.Bean custard bun :D It was nice ^^

Since zhiming was absent, Imran called down from T14 and i think they on the loudspeaker of the phone. . Robinson wished me birthday . .and ended up birthday wishes coming one by one. It was really touching. . that they did so much !!!!

Kelvin bought me my "first in lifetime Big breakfast Deluxe" from Mc Donalds. It was rather okay. Not as good as it seems to be. But thanks !!!! OMG . . I was really bursting with happiness.

Too bad i dun own a camera :(

The chinese physician even bought me a whole cake !!! I was shocked, really. . She is really compassionate and kind towards her patients. She is a good doctor. I thought she bought me a slice ==

We had Pasta Mania for dinner. . I didnt know spending your birthday with your friends can feel so good. That was my first time spending birthdays with friends. Cos my birthday always fall on exam period :(

Hmmm. . I wasnt really feeling goood that day due to some personal reasons...But i am really glad that zhiming tried hard to make this day as memorable and fun for me. . I really appreciate it :)

I received alot of presents this year !

Cute dog :D

Rocher !!!! XD ~ both from zm :)

Geradine's Hershey Choco Candle :) love you, geradine !!

Hl 's star band :D

The floral bag and the floor mat from my brother and sister-in-law . . :)

Ta-da !!! All for my AwESoME 21st Birthday !!!!

I am scared of being happy. Because once you are too happy and got used to the feeling, and once all the sad things that come after. I might not be able to take it anymore.

So, can i go happy ? All the way i want myself to be? Can i not be afraid once of getting lost in the pool of happiness?

A lvl gathering ..

i pray for your happiness, joy !

Anh and Hong Ling ~
my princess XD ~

I took naps in between and I found that i really absorb better :)

Guess i will be doing this for the next coming four papers..

I can even fall sleep today during song transition . .from one song to the next when i was studying..

I can even fall asleep between Dover and Clementi... ==

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was great meeting up with Hong ling and the others. . Everyone has their own life and paths... Hmmm... Glad that we still stick together... I wish everyone all the best in their future undertakings... ^^ We grown up alot.. and glad that we didnt change much.. LOL

After my exams,

i want to have a good run. i want to have good sleeps. i want to go temple. i want to watch movies. and i want to eat !!!!

i want to go buy flower pot for my plant. it has shown signs of dying !!!! OH GOSH !!!

will get a container for my 小白 also :D

Life is a great teacher;

And i am going to be

A obedient cute dog and learn well !!!

我只是善文

"Terrified to remember. Forbidden to forget. . ."

Hand next time dont go so itchy, sw .... ==

Dun you ever ask me to delete them again !

I will delete them myself when the time comes!!!

Teadots rock !

Dan dan mien ! Xiao Loong bao ! Red Bean Xiao Long Bao !

And Chewy grass Jelly at Ding Tai Fung !!! Forget to mention a whole day of Teadots !!!! XD

OMg. . Today was the best !!! It has been really long since i have all these light-hearted feelings. . It has been really long since i posted something happy ! I was really happy. Purely :)

Too bad that i don't own a camera.. :/ I will be missing all these feelings very soon. Being able to capture these every moments are my very reason why i like photography :)

I felt like Birthday today XD

Yea. .it should be made today ! Since i think i wont be feeling so "up" after today . .Haiz...

It was huge achievement today . .8 hours of solid studies. .Teadots rocks !

Decided ! Go there again next week to study Organic Chemistry ! XD

It was really a miracle place. . hahaha. .i understood my Polymer Fabrication Processes module from there too ^^

On my way back, I picked up a "green tea" bookmark also. .I have such good destiny with green tea today . . LOL

Thanks for the day,man. . i enjoyed all the times spent with you really. . :)

It was really comfortable talking with you and eating all these with the right person ! Let's eat the duck rice next time ! My sis don't like really like all these.... D:

yea. . i just want to have these same feelings everyday !

Tonight's moon was nice too ^^ A great day !!!

covet

Accept our difference . .

It was rather sad.. that you and me were so different now.

We branched into different parts now when we came from one.

Walk your path well and i will do the same for myself.

Just remember i will be there for you when you need me. .

i will learn to detach. .

Guess it's time for me to slack down a little... and concentrate on what i should be concentrating . . ^^

Is it because i complained too much till i got used to it now?

It made me like so weak now....

My heart felt all heavy today . . plus the back pain. . fever and sore throat. .felt tired as i have only 4 hours of sleep last night.

It was not a comfortable one. I kept hearing noises... ==

" something" was searching stuff inside my room. . It was quite scary. . It took me some efforts to sleep. I went to sleep when the noise died down. I don't like the feeling of cold all of the sudden and the trembling i got . .It was hard to control.. to not be scared. To force myself to sleep and not to be scared. .

I miss you alot, popo. . so much !

Why am i an adult so early?

hey, you. .

You heard me but are you really LISTENING to what i am saying?!

I don't FEEL anymore. It's tiring when i need to repeat all these to you so many times. And i don't want to repeat this anymore and please take it seriously. I want to study first . And i just want to do this at this moment. I want to complete my Diploma for the very least. I have enough in my mind already.

I am doing this the wrong way. I don't mean to hurt you this much and i am tired of breaking up people's heart. As well as my own's. I don't like this. SORRY.

Hmm. . baby having fever all of the sudden....

I am awake in the middle of the night....again..

Baby having fever all of the sudden and keep crying almost all night today ...

Mayb it's due to the growing teeth phase :)

LUcky that my back didnt torture at these times... Huiwen kept coughing... Keep asking her to eat vita C, she doesn't want to eat .... She told me that she wanted to fall sick since she seldom fall sick =_= True though.... I fell sick more frequently than her... But i cannot afford to fall sick now... Exam coming's soon...

Going back to Ipoh this weekend...Will get all busy again...I wonder how dirty will the aquarium be this time...How many fishes still left? Sorry mum and dad... Should have washed your bathroooms before i come back to Sg earlier...But I am very tired whenever i go back =( I can fall asleep almost in an instant peacefully... How long has it been since i have some peaceful sleep??

I want breaks desperately.... Because i just can't stop. I don't know how. I don't dare. Just as much as i want everything to just stop for me... not even for awhile... I can't breathe already !

My phone dropped into toilet bowl yesterday . . . I saw it submerged into the water T.T

I was like , " God are you really doing this to me? " At that instant, I numbed all my feelings flowing in.. just as taking money out to treat my back...Numb it all and faster recover . .

Sw, you should know your back are feeling better now because you went to see doc last week. You cannot deny that you need it.

I should get back to sleep before the baby cry again... just a few more hours to rest . .

I can do it !

God, teach me what to do . . .

I am strong !

Please. . be cured !!!

I don't to go back to the previous me !

If this is a sickness....Please be cured !

You can do it, sw !

:(

Back pain . . plus sleepy . .plus non-stop working brain is all but SHITS....

The worst is that . . All these will keep on coming . . till you don't dare to catch a breathe..

Thanks for being there . . . .

I appreciate that really a lot. . .

I will find back my WILL TO BE HAPPY !!!!!!

What happen to me... I would rather choose stress rather than depress . .

I don't like being so depress. . .not when i can or can't help it..

Is there a reason that i am feeling so fucking depress and sad?

I feel like i can cry anytime. . The study mood is there. But it's affecting my study performance. .

Friends keep saying me stress. . but i am not !

Although they are a lot of work to do . .I dont think it is stress...

the feeling is just not right ! Why feel so bottomless !

:(

OMG ~

OMG . . what really happen to me? T.T

I have no energy to do anything at all . . . I can't bring myself to think of anything at all. .

I use my brain too much? There are a lot following behind...

MY motivation is there now. . just the feeling not right ! Why so tired ! Why so . . feelingless !!!

I want so much to go to temple...I wonder if this weekend got time and the opportunity =(

I have Metholathum and Singapore Airlines report . .at the same time Organic Chemistry Report coming in . . How high can that be? . . .

Please . . please don't be so down !!!! You can't afford to !!!

sw, jiayou !

temple's peaceful chimes ~

I feel like going to temple.... listening to some chimes and bells..

feeling the wind..the coldness of the stone statues and the temple's chair....

the flowing energy of calmness and peace =)

I miss all those . . . :(

T-T

It was really hard to say "no" and reject their kind offer . . . . when people are just being really kind and concern towards you. . I am really so sorry... =(

It was really guilty when you see a lot of food left over. .when you can eat them but you didnt. Not that you can't....Seeing them so full and uncomfortable makes me more guilty =(

It all hard to reject Bishan's Chicken rice...and Koi's Grass jelly Milk Tea....People bought them for you summo... =(

I wanted to apologize like alot and alot of times.. SORRY !!!!!!

Guilty feelings all built up inside and made me feel like crying when i have to keep on rejecting while you guys kept pushing further...=___= That's why i dont want to talk much. .when i was suppressing my feelings inside..

I hope that i can maintain my mode of study till my exam...It's freaking tired =(

=(

motivation, where are u ~

I need really solid motivations. . . =(

This morning's badminton lifted me up alittle :D

Andy, thank you very much !!!

It has been some time since i really play and it helps a lot in motivating me . .

I will TURN ON my A level mode !!!!

And study really hard. .My results were really pathetic this time. .

Tore me up a little when teachers approach me asking me why the change in results and friends asking me how well i scored. .

But It's ok !!! I stand up where I fall!!! And will do better next time !

I have to keep telling myself this.....

I CAN DO IT !!!

my weight . . :(

Hmmm . . It was sad. . My weight rebounds back so fast . .Damnnn it

My intensive trainings and efforts all this while . . went to drain =(

I just ate a little bit more than my usual intake. . . T.T

The saddest thing is that there are people out there searching for food and all . . while you are here complaining and being sad about your weight =__="

Yea . .I can't help it but complain. . . =(

T.T

Greyish butterfly. . .

As graceful as a butterfly... I just saw one in my room after my bath ..

It lingered on my hair and my hair was dripping wet. . I tried to lead it out. . But it just flew away ... Still flying in my room. .

Is it you , grandmother? You have always wear clothes of that color.....

I thought of you today . . Missed you ! =(

All the way to go, sin =D

I feel like going to the beach . . .

T__T

I am tired. . . Why do i keep saying those forbidden words. . .

HAHA. . Still have more to go, sw. . . more to come.

If you can't even handle all these tiny matter . . just small tests and all . .Really . .All these are just small bits of what you will be tasting in the future. There are much bitter stuff lying ahead. .

And you're just 21 . . . Life's has more for you . . You have to learn to be strong. Tough !!!!

I wasn't this way at all. I am not used to it. Hate it. I have to really stop complaining...

There are no shortcuts for you, sw !!!! Take one step at a time. Just keep going. . Just like that. And when you look back, you'll realize how far you have gone. Saying and doing is all different though . . =(

Will you be able to do it, sw? Will you be able to????

I am have been really down. . All these negative feelings.. with all these negative happenings..

I wonder how. Would they react when they found out. Huiwen, you make sure you FALL HARD. And you LEARN WELL. I dont know how to help you anymore. .

Thank you for being there . . . I feel guilty for liking you =(

My words . . like i'll go " puff " when you want the circle to disappear ..will make me feel better after saying it. . And yea. .saying and being able to do it is another thing as well. .

Sorry if i have hurt you =(

Studies first !!! Still have a little bit more to go !!! Hang on !!!!

I can do it !!!!

=(

Things are always harder for me.

I dont like to feel this at all.

sw, get the thing off your mind and concentrate on your studies ...

Please... concentrate on your studies.. T.T

down.. =(

Staying positive?

I always try to say positive things to myself and others. . Does it really help???

When deep inside, you keep screaming for help. Keep screaming. and keep on screaming. .

And then, you realize you have to stop somehow. Cause help will never come. The one who will help you will only be yourself.

You have to keep moving on. Keep you mind, heart and body cool . And continue. And continue.

Till another time when you cannot take it anymore. And your heart sends you the signal to scream again. . .so that you know. You have "feelings" somehow. You know it. And when you try to deny it, your heart punches you hard in.

sometimes i cry

the instant i hear your voice

sulky day...

For me, it wasn't really hard not crying. . . but i chose to cry whenever i feel like to.

I was not allowed to cry in my past. Cause things that come after that would be much worse. Hmmm . . my dad doesn't like us to cry. I wont elaborate further as i don't want to remember them =) I just want to keep a nice image of my father in my heart. What for you bear vengeance over your own parent? If weren't for them, you won't be who you are now ...

It has been long since there's no one at home. . I can play songs out loud and enjoy some peaceful time alone :D

It feels nice, wearing your pajamas, hair held loose, watching over the sunrise/ sunset and the beautiful clouds by my room window. I used to do that every day when i was at my old room. . The scenery was nicer than the one i am having now :D

Hmmm . . It was hard forcing yourself to accept and to learn things that you don't like. It is fucking tiring. Till i don't even have the strength to talk about it. To sprain my brain muscles. . Cos i cannot do anything about it. LOL

And it will starts all over again when the term starts. . I still have 7 weeks more to go till the next semester. . Is it the wrong course for me? I don't know. All i know is that i am fortunate to be given an opportunity to study compared to those who didn't get to. Yea . . I tell myself this every time. . .

Did a wrong gesture today .. Damn it!!! ==

i miss you popo :(

hmm. . exams coming, holidays going . . .

Hmm . holidays ending soon D:

A whole new learning lay ahead for me to step into. . A tiring one. .

It's hard to learn how to enjoy your studies. . I keep encouraging myself to Accept and Absorb.

I can do it !!!

Money matters can rest as for now. But i still feel not really secure. . Hmmm . . I keep telling myself, the purpose and objectives i am here now. .To study and not to find work and money ==

Study well now. Earn more later. No matter how hard. I must preserve !!!

Phew . .back didnt really attacked me cruelly these days. . touchwood*

Let's look forward of what i am going to become =)

And i shall visit this blog post again, reminiscing sweet bitter colorful . . wonderful memories of what i have went through . .

Sam's coming. .Hmmm. . One year plus eh? LOL

covet

Miss you, Hong Ling ...

It has been really long. . . i missed someone this much. Tears of joy . . Tears of yearning . . Yearning here, what i mean is just to be with her . . for a while...

She is someone . .

who is able to motivate me to go on. . to continue putting in effort..

who is able to make me smile and laugh all day long . .

who i can just keep complaining and complaining even the tiniest little thing without even feeling guilty and all . .

who gives out the summer feeling . . warmth ...

who is able to give out happiness radiantly. .

After knowing her, making people happy like how she makes me, is somehow my aim everyday ... ^^

You can just be happy when with her. .

I sound like I really like her alot.. LOL !!!

But she is , just Hong Ling, my best friend. She is my princess . . LOL

She is the closest to me, when we're in junior college..

We didn't know each for long. . Less than 3 years.. Time flies !!!

I missed her alot. Like Alot. I didnt know i will tear when i thought of her inside the train earlier. Really scared that i will tear in front of her... She would want to see me smile =)

But Hong Ling... After you left, a lot of things happen =(

I grow up alot in this period. See things different. Somehow, the positive feeling i used to liberate out, getting harder to. It was easier before . .

I depended too much on others to be happy... I missed the feeling where the radiant and cheerful feeling that i can felt them radiated inside me . . Very true to myself. Very real. Very pure.

Ah. . . I feel good when i always travel alone back to clementi..It is nice to have your good and bad memories played out and get reflected on them.

" Someone told me i should caution when it comes to love . . ."

"I did . . "

" I love you. .and that's all i really know. . "

It was really nice during your silent and peaceful walk home ^^

Singing away . . Searching for the moon . . Basically , a good rest besides sleeping .

A break from the outside where you can just be you . . =)

Or having a comfortable chat with someone while you enjoying the night. .

It's where you feel distance is not definable . . You feel close. .But you are far from me . But sometimes, you are just one inch from that person, you feel so much further away . .

I want to become a better person . . .

haiz...

Stirring up troubles and complains is not in my nature. . But you have struck onto my nerves and i am just doing my part ...

I dont want to lose 25% of my dip plus module just because of these thoughtless group members.

I tried contacting you all. .tried communicating... i didnt even complain getting most of the work... And yet you didn't even update me about the upcoming presentation on the friday of the mst week!!!!

I didnt even get a glimpse of the full report. And how am i supposed to prepare ???

The thing is... you all really didn't let me know !!! I have to get to know from the teacher.. and members from another group. And it was only like 5 minutes ago...

Don't abuse my kindness...

07062011

HAizz.... i can't sleep !!! My whole body like very itchy.. and i dont think i got eat any wrong thing...

But i am lying and resting now... didnt do much thing today...

It's freaking contradicting.. I am trying hard to find the reason why my emotion and feelings can all of the sudden go so down to the bottomless sea.. My tears can flow out so easily. . whenever my heart feel the signal and all... BUT who says you need a reason to cry ? Who says you need a reason to be happy?

Thanks for listening... Glad you were there to listen.. I really appreciate it... Thanks for your understanding..By the way, no one really knows about this...

I would still prefer liberating a positive energy, making ppl's day great and all ^^ And it has been long since i have been able to do all that .. I've been losing myself lately due to school's stress...financial's stress and all... let's find 'me" back ! XD

It was basically not one of my rule or anything...LOL

It is just that ...

When you be the one to wait for the one to go, For me, it feels rather comfortable or secure to wait him or her till she disappear from your sight... I seldom leave ppl...

At the same time, the one who waits. .gets to say " Please, don't leave me...."

At the same time, it is also one blissful feeling...to wait

I don't know how other ppl would feel to see someone leave. i don't know how you would feel to see me leave ... A good/ secure feeling ? or a being left behind feeling? or a blissful one?

I am thinking too much... XD

I should be thankful to have someone watching me go first ... ^^

i dun like it

faster recover =(

Good Song . . at the correct moment to lift your spirits UP!!

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
« You'll never reach it »

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

I can do it !!!

Nearly stranded at kallang ==

It was really close just now ==

MY brother took us for dinner at Kallang. .And it was really an awesome one !

I asked huiwen to hold onto my bag while i went and carried my nephew.. She left it at the stroller !!!! The taxi was not able to take up all of us. My nephews are growing big =)

So , my sister and I decided to take MRT back to Clementi. When the taxi left, it was just too late that i realized my bag was not at my sister's hand =___=

Huiwen and i chased the taxi until i stopped to give a call to my brother... He told me it was too late as they were nearing highway..

What an experience.. What if i have left my phone inside my bag as well?

Geylang road man.... ==

In the end, we ended up inside Singapore's most ex taxi, " Crissler" I am not sure bout the spelling. . It was hard to get one that time. And a black classy taxi just stopped beside us... I was not paying attention while i am waving for one ==

$20.40 !!!! It should be less than $15!!! @.@

HOLIDAYS :D

Holidays !!! Finally !!!

It was tired to have so much inputs every week . . I learnt new things almost everyday.

It was tiring to be exposed to and accepting the unknowns for every week. But learning is fun =)

Stress is something that builds me. The accomplishments that comes with it definitely feels better !!!

Hmm . . should i offer to take care bb three times a week during my holidays? Haiz. .f my soft heart. Seeing them stressed and hot-tempered over small cute things that Boon Kai do. Better not. I am not coping well with my studies. Not confident enough T__T

Let's study well this holiday ^^

My back feels much much better. .I can never sit and walk so straight and comfortable before this. I thought it was normal . LOL . Guessed i have to thank them =) You guys helped alot, really . .

I don't want to stress over my financial difficulties. I'll take things one at the time. Good that i can cover my current semester's fees. . Glad that mum sounded to help out. Can't really let her know why that i can't manage when i should be able to. . and show her my account figures !!! LOL

I love you, mum ... I'll do a good job for your grand birthday dinner !

I dont like to make choices. But some choices MUST be made. AND I HAVE TO BE FIRM !!!!

You can do it, sw. You are stronger than this !!!

Sorry

My last sorry.

sucks . .

It sucks to the max that you have so many things to do and yet you are are not feeling well. . .

not well enough to do a thing. But you have to do it and you have to do a good job.

Thursday, presentation and jap. Lucky both are minor ones.

Please, may tonight be a good night ... =)

Jia yo !!!

Hey, copy cat !!

Thanks for sharing and letting me know . . .

I really appreciate it ... and don't be afraid about talking and thinking too much.

I would like to listen to you and understand you more. And at the same time, i am really glad that you are here listening to me as well. I will share more with you next time okay? I felt that you want to talk. SO i listened. I know it's unfair. LOL

But thanks ^^

Don't worry. It's always a mutual thing. I feel the same. Just that you had my words in your mouth ... and i will keep my promises =)

Thanks for being there. I really appreciate it.

I will do well in my studies. And i will soar high !

p/s : Your back pain will recover... It will !!! And just be yourself =)

Let time tells

Heart Body SOul . .

When you're in pain . . . your eyes will tear

When you're sleepy . . .your body will auto shut down

My mind does help a lot when in comes to deleting unfavorable past or thoughts . .

Why so down , today? I wonder. .

What am i tired of ??

I am who i am

And i am proud of it !!!!

Tired

It was really tired sometimes. . That's why i'd rather go empty. . i go machine.

It was painful to feel. I dont dare to. I dont want to feel anything.

It was a great release last night. . When you ask me which part pressures me the most.

I cant even find the answer out myself. I dont even know. Too weak. . I've still have a damn long way to go . How am i supposed to cope when i cant even handle things like this. But really glad that you understood. You were there. And it was the greatest comfort for me. Thanks =)

It was really fucking tired . . fucking tired when you have to tell yourself "I can do it" while you feel so damn torn inside.

It was another really fucking tired and fucking pain when you have to tell yourself : "You cannot." no matter how much you crave, yearn and long inside.

I have to wake up

when i don't want to

Yue . .moon =)

Have you ever feel.. so attracted to the moon until you don't feel like doing anything . .to just find a comfortable and nice spot to watch over the beautiful her? To get nearer to her?

When you look forward. But you are more afraid... when the time comes, you're afraid to enjoy it fully..when will be the next ? Will her be the same? Is it the last time you can see her this way?

The moon has a mysterious power on me . . .

Make me stronger

Dont be sad, ok ? =)

Things will be alright !

How much i want, to turn both of us into a non-Agliophobian !!!

I feel it too

Up in the middle of night . . .

Haha . . How long has it been . .

When i shiver like mad all of the sudden in the middle of the night . I can't control my cold body to stop shaking. Breathing doesn't came easy for me. My heart felt like jumping out. It took me like 2 hours to stabilize . LOL

I've had this just a year and a half back in Malaysia, in KM's house. She will have to fold me into many layers of blankets and laid on top of me to stop me shaking like mad.

This time, my left lower back stung me. Then my whole upper back just went and dragged me down again. Not as bad as that time. But plus the cold. It was undeniably uncomfortable . . . Is it really okay to complain so much? As in i have not complained so much in my life before. Not even those days back in my childhood. Where we accept things as they are. We endured. We changed our mindset when things went the other way we want them to be.

It was considered good that the baby didnt wake up. XD

Things pilling up or shall i say never ending. . But learning is fun !!!! Enjoy study, sw ^^

God doesn't want us to be extraordinary .

HE wants us to do and handle things extraordinarily well =)

I feel like eating sushi, pizzas, big burgers, tubs of choco mint ice creams, mochi , fried chicken cutlet, piping hot redbean bun !!!

hungry D:

eth wahrtm & comrtof