That Monday I walked into his office when I made the decision not to leave him. I told myself the moment I walked back is the instant when my answer will only be a yes when the question to be prompted will be prompted some day in the future.
I told myself to write a blog to remember and to look back. So that I won't easily give up. So that I know how much I am losing if I were to let go. To a guy that never fail to be there. Never fail to pull you back to him no matter how many times you push him away. But there was never a good time. Right after that I had to prepare for my graduation, etc.
I hit the bottom when I first argued with my own mum... It pains my heart. Till now it does. I got confused and afraid of expressing freely to my mum. I learnt that in most situation, its bests to keep your own cool. Tone my voice down and speak slowly. So as not to heighten matters up. I did apologized to my mum but then she didn't got it as much i thought and I have became so tired at explaining... Thats the day I lost a family standing in my heart.
Soon after, my sister broke down I tried hard not to when she did. Her relationship is in a mess and I was so much grateful that mine's wasn't. And I did my best to help her out. To soothe her as much when my sis in law is not helping..In the end, when I thought the table was finally turning, it turned out to be only the floor that trembled. The table was still in tact to the ground. I was only a fool to think that my sister's life is going to be finally setting straight and she can finally be free and happy. Thats the day i think i stop caring. But all in all. I am very grateful that she finally had a job and her employment pass is approved.
I went for an interview, feelings finally positive but I was told that my skills are too generalized that it will be hard for a company to fight for my employment pass or PR. I thank her for that statement. Thats the day when I finally set my path on becoming an insurance agent. I will not look back. There isnt any supporters. I don't feel it from him as well. The road is so tough for me. To walk on my own in the sea; fighting the currents that will not stop coming unless Earth stop spinning..
The tall buildings made me feel small. So many small little windows... I passed by buildings like this each time i go for my paper... It makes me feel how insignificant I am. How small I am in this world. There is so much more for me to learn.I had my papers two days in a row. The night I stepped out of the exam building, my tiredness slowly creeping in. I pushed them back, fighting to force myself to go home instead of taking a relaxing night stroll... What is exactly tired
I tried to scream for help. Tried wanting someone to understand. Wishing hard that you can make it away. But it couldn't be you no matter how many times I tried. I talk but you do not understand. I speak but you don't listen. You care but you do not ask. How well do you actually know about me?
I worry alot for you. Worry for your health. Your health been constantly worsening. For you and your mum. You wouldn't know how much I hated your brother during these period. How much how much I am hating him. Or maybe you.. for letting him doing this to you and your mum. And me. I worry for your back, for your stomach; your sleeps.. I feel bad making it worst each time we argued. I feel so bad hurting you. I feel so pain. I got irritated each time when you worry for me. When you did not help yourself. You are not helping me.. when you are not helping yourself.
Thats when i realized why i do not feel comfortable relying on you. When I could not look up to you.
Is your illness binding you? Is your illness binding you, draining you all your motivation and ambition.. draining you all your drive in life. Till you don't dream for yourself or us anymore. You complain and complain about work. But you are not doing anything about it. Each day feeling lazy to go work. What can I do to help?
What can i do to spark you up again? Its when i tell myself its okay. I will work harder in your place. I will make sure we both live better in the future.
Yet I have failed to tell you...To comfort you and to motivate you. That you will recover in time. Just don't stop believing and hoping.. That I will stay by your side...That when you are in pain.. I will be there to help you.. Don't be scare and afraid... cos you have me and that I am there..
I am just a failure gf.
太多的差别 距离了太远 对的太少
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