Hey. . .

I know you didn't lie. All this while you didn't. What you said in the past and now is always true. You have said it a lot of times.
I'm just a coward who is too afraid of rejection to see anything except what those around me say.
So, don't take all the blame on yourself.

It was pain. Too much to be bearable. I took sleeping pills and alot alot alcohol. I just don't want to wake up anymore. But ended up waking up in the middle of the nights and days. I wonder how much does it really takes to die. Really must eat up a whole bottle? And i thought if you're going through all this for so long, i'm very sorry. I really don't feel like waking up at all. It's tearing me up waking up every morning, realising you're not here anymore.

You have the warmest hand i've ever want to touch. You have the most comfortable shoulder that i think i want to die for it. When you said, "you are my everything. ", it has became my reason of existence. Yet, you're in so much pain. Please, don't ask me to let go. I won't do that.

When i said whatever i have said below, i don't even know whether i can do it.

Just one word from you. One word will do. And i'll do whatever it takes to come back to you. Remember that. You're not alone. Not suffering alone. I'll be there. Don't get lonely. Don't think that you have lost me. Cos i never wanted to leave your side no matter what i have said.

To my dear :)

I'm unwantd anyway. . i'm abandoned again. In the first place, i don't even know why she had wanted me. I only know how to ask for her care, ask for her happiness. . This should not be something new to me anymore. She has done this to me many times without her realising it.

My brother even approved of us, do you know that?

He's right. Does it make any differences ? It's just the word " break up". You are not there always when i need you. Not there for me to hug. I wanted you to say things when you didn't. Wanted you so mcuh to hold me when you didn't. You can spend money to go to Singapore just for Cosplaying. But not me. Can't you see?

Even if i'm near you, I'm associated with your uneasiness. Yet, you claimed we are too far apart? I'm doing all my best, can't you see? I thought i could lend you my shoulder anytime you want. But you pushed me away. SO, it's just nothing. From now on, i have nothing to lose except myself. I have just lost my reason to smile. That's all. I'm still me.

I'm glad that i am of use anyway. I made her strong huh.

I thought she wouldn't realise it. I knew this day would come. I had realised it many months ago.But i do not intend to wake her up.

She did not explain it well though. What did i do that make you hurt? I'm just asking the basics. Cares. . attention, thoughts.. all those. Why didn't you feel that the pain you have gone through are the pain that i'm went through too? Why does she feel that she is the only one in pain? Why does she feels that i'm the one always hurting her? Why didn't she realise that it was her that made me change? In fact, i just changed to want her much more to myself. And yet i let myself unprotected to allow you to hurt me so much. I allow myself to held high hopes on her.

" What you don't like about it, i will CHANGE ". You told me this in the past. This was a LIE also right? You told me that you would love me till the end of the world. It was another lie. Please use better words.

I would admit that we should have broken up earlier since we had not yet let each other " SEE the REAL " each other yet. I'm not open up to you and you knew that. You are more open up to your "friends" when you claimed that i'm your girlfriend. Don't deny that. You don't even dare to let me hurt.

Don't you dare look down on me. You think i would do what you say? Forget you huh? Maybe the day i die? I would be happy if it's the case. You would be the only one i love in my life. That was also something i have said in the past. It will always be the same. So, take your time. I wouldn't blame if our line of thoughts is different. I don't agree what you say and you don't agree mine's. But i chose to suffer and hurt. I would be there for you till the end of the world. That's my promise and i would DO IT.

I would be the finest girl when you see me the next time. I wouldn't be the one who will be asking you questions anymore. I would then have the real strength to protect you for your whole life. When i'm ready, i will find you again.

So, don't say sorry when i don't hold any grudges against you nor do i feel what you're doing is wrong. You just choose not to suffer anymore. I'm glad you did cos i know i wouldn't have the will to do that on my own. I tried to ask you back then was my selfishness.


I will wait for you.

In my heart

You don't have to be perfect to belong in this place

You can climb the highest mountain if you want

or quitely imagine that you might someday.

You can take chances or take safety nets, make miracles or make mistakes.

You don't have to be composed at all hours to be strong here.

You don't have to be bold or certain to be brave.

You don't have to have all the answers,

or even know who you want to be . . . .

Just take my hand

And rest your heart

And stay awhile with me.

First post of the year . . .

Ah. . a year has passed.

My sister went for tkd training. Just feel like blogging for while.

I'm starting up the year by going for a trip to Taiwan. Just me and my sister with only some research data and maps. LOL. Kinda brave of us. That's what i think ^^ Let's see how things go. Let's follow the flow. We're going to some earthquake prone areas. I'm very excited to exprience REAL earthquakes. As a geography student, it should be something to look forward.

I scolded my sister for making a fuss with death. Saying about dying so easily. ( i think she wants to commit suicide there ) . . haiz. . how much more i need to do so that she could change? how much more i need to do so that she'll see life differently and make her life happier?
Don't say of dying so easily. You are the one who taught me. It repeats right?
We are born to suffer. And I don't believe God will make us suffer the UNSUFFERABLE. It's something that we need to endure in this life to repay our pastlife's debt. If we don't suffer enough this present life, it'll be made to much worse in our next life.

That's what i think. So, don't say die so easily. You don't have the privilege to avoid all these. Just suffer them. I believe things will get better. You are the one who taught me to think this way indirectly. So, please. Suffer and endure. Don't think and do stupid stuff. They are rubbish. Remember? You told me that and stopped me from taking medicine.

Nonetheless, let's see if i'll die in an earthquake. LOL. Since i'm in pain also :)
So God, let me die.


Scared