我的少女時代

Its been only bad post about us lately or for almost a hell of a year.. :(

That's why tonight I aim to retain as much happy memories with you. Carve them deep into my bones and may all these happiness from you ran in my arteries and veins!!!! So that when I go thru hell with you again, these happiness will take all those sadness and hurtful hell outta of the way!!!!

I love you so much, Zhiming. I do not understand why myself. I love you entirely. Even though you make me cry so much! At the same time you make me so happy being with you :)

Let's last long and may we both find forever in each other alright? :*

I didn't know i can be like that.. I couldn't bear to leave ur side earlier in the train. It was harder in the past. I guess I am somehow growing up too. I guess it was slightly harder for you too. Even though you never told me all these at all. I hope I can believe and trust on what i felt from you. Love you very much ! :)

我的少女時代 Our Times】Movie Theme Song - 田馥甄 Hebe Tien《小幸運 A Little Happiness》Official MV

It was really a nice movie ~ 

It reminded me how grateful and lucky I am to have found and meet ya ~ :) 

Thank you for coming into my life 

Thank you for growing up with me, Zhiming :) 

Thank you for just being you.  

~ 31/10/2015(watched two movies that day! YAY!!! XD)

p/s: SW, PLS DON'T BE TOO HARD ON HIM!!!!! HE IS NOT HAVING IT EASY TOO!!!!

Yours always, 

Shanwen 

What should I do

What should I do to live freely again 

What should I do so that I can be happy again 

Happy for the longest time I've had 

In fact it was his gaze that day.. that gaze that brought me back.

The longing gaze that couldn't bear me to leave him. Or at least that's what i felt. Then I asked if I can go to him. He said "OK". I felt both of our hearts rejoiced. It felt lighter. 

.............

But then again. now Why?

How?

Two People

I have been so harsh to him.

I feel that he's being harsh on me. Sometimes, i just couldn't tell. Could I? :(

Two people with different teachings in life. Different thinking. Different beliefs in love.
Different styles of expression.

It was just so harsh.
It was way harsher when we both started. When we both know each other.

You are my best friend. At the same time, my lover. All these while..

Its really been brick by brick..You took so long :(

Here I wish. I pray..

If this is what meant for us or for what we may become in the near long future.
May we both see. May we both hold for what's true to our heart.

May it never be too hard for the both of us.

I love you.

Yours forever,
Shanwen

What should I do. 

Help.

A living Parasite

I feel that I have given you enough space... It's not that you focus ur 100% of your concentration on me always when we meet.

Its been always divided. Ur mum. Ur aquarium. Ur dota. Ur game. Ur rest.

I am not even meeting you everyday. And you seldom ask. So how should I? Why?

Each time you brought up that you would like your own space and all. Haven't I given you enough? What do you still need?

Whenever you said this. Each time. I had almost fear of meeting you... scare of taking your time.. Or did you even want to see me in the first place? Did you want to spend time with me? You seldom ask.. All you would always say is you would to want rest or cannot make it. Or need to settle your stuff.

How do I meet you or go out with you... when it can never be truly happy for me.. when I am so scared that you would prefer to do something else or rather be at home? Or I am taking up ur space?
I feel like a burden instead. Like what you said, too tight on you instead. You make me feel that it's wrong of wanting to meet you or spend time with you. A living parasite.

 At home, scared of taking up ur space and time.
Going out, always guilty of taking up your rest time or worsening ur health. Did you always know?

Complain so much about you in the end when you are doing ur best loving me. Making you said that you don't know how long you can take it and you're not a machine. How? You tell me how.

...Too tight may be good  and maybe not so good too...*

Did you always know?

Sinner in the end again

Fuck

Why you fucking go hurt someone u love, SW???!!!! 

Words I used are so harsh... Omg... 

Fuck

Please be alright...

When will things be stable and alright? :(

Dream.

I dreamt.. I dreamt of us at the aisle... I was in my gown and so as u. You look great with ur stupid backcomb... And you  are wearing tinted shoes and I was wearing heels... You were hugging my waist while I put my hands a round ur neck.. The crowds asking us to kiss.. But I whispered in ur ears and touched ur back and ask if ur back hurts.. 

"Let's go change our shoes.. It's damn pain...." And we both laughed and smiled away. 

Our faces touched. We were waiting to see sunrise together next.. Then I thought sleeping beside you was enough.. Don't need wake up for the sunrise..

It was a nice dream. Can I don't wake up from it? 

Thinking till no ends. Karma

Something that I had never ever believe would happened...

Happened on me.

How did I fall out of love so sudden?

It came back on and off....Your "I thought you would take more time..." sent me off again.

Why would u say this? When I could like finally taste my love for u again?

Do u know that you are losing me?

How can u do this? To someone that has put in so much effort in the past to be where we are now? To someone that has been always there for you throughout your ups and downs? To someone that always been there and never fail to be there? What is it that you seek and so dissatisfy with when no one is perfect? You are not perfect as well.

I hate myself.. very much.

Very much.

Take all these away...

My heart is so pain when I wake up... What can I do so that this will go away?

 

Why I am not feeling alright? 

zm sw

I just lose it. My rational. My feelings. When I was cornered deep. Don't cornered me...it will even go worse..When deep down I couldn't even pinpoint the real factors or reasons that I feel so xinku inside. When I needed your help so much. I tried to tell you. I hope hard that you would understand how I am feeling. But how?

When I am lost myself. This feeling is so heavy....

Zm..I don't know how. Can you teach me how? Why do I feel nothing when I see the face of the man I love so deeply? Thats why my tears flow...Why do I feel nothing!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! 

What really happen, sw? Why and how?

My feelings for you as if it got backfired. Those strong feelings that I have. I keep crying. Till i keep telling myself that it will be alright the next time. The next moment I see you I will be happy again. I keep telling myself this when I was sad. But this time is so different. I'm stuck. I'm slipping away. I cannot even tell you I will be alright tmr...That's when I ask you to make me happy. I wasn't asking you. I was begging you. I wanted to meet you so that you could fix it. And the more you say we often meetup. Means..you are alright not meeting too. My heart is so pain now...

 When you ask me if I wanted to break up with you. My heart suddenly so pain. So pain till I lose my energy..I am still fighting within myself. and you have no right at all to break my fight. 

My last happy memories I had with you was the bus ride. From Tao Payoh to ur hse.. During Christmas...and I still remembered that I cried that night too. Too touched when you went out to buy me milo and I felt blissful to be able to be beside you during that night. Being able to hug around your neck that night made me teared. 

But what happen after that??????! 

All I remembered after that is crying and sad. Hurt. Heartaches. Why won't he ask me for breakfast? Why did he go game on that day leaving me nothing else to do for almost 2 hours plus?Why did he seldom apologize? or show appreciation? He will always sit at the table playing his game when I reach his house. Why did he not open the door for me?? When will he call me to talk but not argue in the phone? To listen to my voice before he sleep? Why he need to think of any happy memories of us when i asked him when I can at least name one on the spot? Then is he really happy? Why he wouldn't place his hands on my shoulder just like all girls will like to be in their bf arms? I envied Marc whenever D did that.

My heart so pain... I know you're not doing alright at all this February. Your family, work and this. I failed as a gf to really understand and provide you a comfortable spot and yet add on your worries and heavy burdens too. We made that promise for it to work too. But your lack of loves..your appreciation..it's like i cannot take them in anymore..Will letting it go easier for me and you?If I am able to sleep and I know I will from my sore eyes...I almost wish that I do not wake up. Cos I do not know how. I am quite affected and I will force myself to study tmr so tht I can do well this friday.

God, I am a failure gf. Please grant him good sleeps and good health... May everything goes well or smooth for him at work and his family.. May his family be well and sound.

  

A small voice

A part of me didn't want to find out. 

If possible, don't let me know. 

Cos in the end. I do not know what is the best thing to do. 

Don't let it be true. 

How long?

How long will it take?

To take all these negativity out and paranoid away again?

Torturous pain.

Help..Please

Just read his post... And almost only the last sentence of his blog isn't about the pain and discomfort that he is facing... I almost cried. Why are u always sick? And so sick?

This helpless feeling of mine. No one could really understand too. Not even him. Cos just as I told him before, you make the ppl ard you suffer too from worrying and this feeling of helpless :(((((
Please take really good care of your health and body!! Please eat at proper timing! Sleep and wake up at proper timing!! Don't game so much :(

It hurts.. It hurts so badly. When you went out with someone without telling me again :(
When your first reaction is to tell me that was long ago. But we are together that time. You weren't even apologizing to me at first. I was hurt. Very hurt. And each time when i know it, my heart was slicing every moment I thought of it... How can I build that trust that I finally have it for you? :(((((
How am I not going to be paranoid again?? God. Help me. Help!!

Can you not be healthy or fit for us? I just want you to be healthy. Not even good-looking.
dear God, if you are listening to my wishes every night and day, pls grant him good health. Good sleeps every night. No headaches. No diarrhea. No backpains!!!

:(