Please. I'm not saying all these to you, dear. You should know. I will never hate or blame you for all these. I appreciated it. That you seem better and in less pain now. Glad. So, you are not the sinner.

I just hate it. I HAte myself even more for not accepting what they said to me when they meant for my own good. Even you. I hate it when you asked me to move on so many times when i don't want. . I just don't want to listen anymore. I won't talk anymore. I'll just write here. I shouldn't spoil their day. It pains to talk. You should know. I'll carry all the sins.

Just let me pain. You don't have to repeat so many times for my sake. I want to pain. I want to hold on. And i don't want to move on. So, it's not your fault. Don't ever think that i will scold you like that or talk like that here to you. You should be able to understand me well enough now. I don't even know how to get mad or angry with you although I want to hate you so much so that i can let go to make you feel better.

Whatever it is, I will pain for those who asked me to let go in the past. And when it has happened, i can't help but i'll make them the sinners.

I'm going crazy. JUSt let me be. Thanks and take care always :)

I'm losing my mind. . .

" Do you still mad at me? "
" i don't know "

That was my first nightmare when you requested a three month break back in September. You didn't answer yes or no. But rather you said you're not sure. I was so scared. Really scared when you're not sure. Cos i was so scared so scared that you don't really care anymore. I was so afraid that i might lose you that time. Did i ever tell you?I was only hoping hard that the three months will pass quickly.
That's the ony thing i can do that time besides concentrating on A levels.

I already did. I've lost you this time. I don't know how to handle. Cos in the first place, i don't even have the slighest idea that i should be prepared for this.

How dare you wished that we broke up? And you say that i will be able to handle and will soon be better in a year or two? You think i will be better? You think this is what good for me? You think that she is not good for me? Is that not what i should be judging?

Do you know how hard is it to breathe? Do you know how hard is it to stay living? When i can just act ignorant and gobble down some medicine just to make me sleep forever? I have most of the time at home, alone. When huiwen is out.

Just what is this god? What have i've done to make you so angry? It pains me to death. Don't think that i will get better when i don't want in the first place. So, don't think that you have done good deed by asking me to let go. Now that i have done it, i'll make it sure that it has become your sin. Your sin to have made my life REALLY RUINED now.

I've nothing to lose now. Bring it on.

This year's CNY was the worst, i guess. . . . .but i'm happy that i managed to clean the whole house. . all clean and tidy. . throw alot of stuff. . and i thought i'll be getting asthma soon for all the dust. But, finally, three weeks is going to end soon. Going back to Singapore this coming friday. Mum and dad doing fine. Except that the house is alot more silent without my popo anymore. Mum caught me crying alot. That's bad. Don't want her to worry me so much. Plus, i am bad at lying. Can't blame me, right? It's like everything reminded me of her. February the 11th and the 14th. My worst nightmares.I stayed close to my mum at nights.

It's a difficult phase that i am having here. So much decisions to make. And i really don't like making them. I don't know how to do things because of myself. I can't find a reason T____T. So, i think i'll just go by any path that my brother shows me. But not physics. I don't even know what i want to do. Die. I have to choose my course and apply for universities straight after my results. I'm praying hard. T____T
My subject combition is already weird. Geography and Chemistry. HAiz. . . .Lesser options for me in Singapore's local universities. Better for huiwen, maybe? I found out that i don't really like teaching. Haiz. . . .And i don't want to study overseas beside singapore. Not Australia. Not Taiwan. I would rather . . . . . NO. I will make a choice for myself this time.

At first, i thought we won't ended up meeting each other some time in future. But I'm glad. Thanks to God that i can see her for the last time. Although hurt and pain is the only thing i can get. Thanks. I have missed her very much. I know yook woon would kill me if she sees this. It's my first time seeing her so mad that she pulled me to the toilet and scolded the hell out of me that day. She nearly slapped me T____T
I was actually praying that shuyun will come in and save me out. Haiz. . She didn't. How can i explain that i don't know how to think for myself? How can i explain that i will still wait and hope even if i break? How to explain that even i am disgust and irritate at myself for making you all feel this way? I AM DISGUTING. I hate myself.
I don't dare to scold her back. LOL
But hugging someone and cry hard is the best feeling i got for now. Seeing her make me more certain, that I will wait. Yes, i will.

You looked fine and i am glad. I wouldn't want to barge into your life anymore even if i wanted it cos you're better off without me :) Slightly more expressive at least. Won't keep things to yourself anymore, i hope.

You promised me to bring me to see fireworks, remember ?

Few years back, i still remembered myself asking syikin, what if you are not in my life anymore?
She didn't answer me and in fact she asked me not to think about that. And i really thought that it won't happen.

Yes, it won't :)
Cos you are still in my life . If not for hope, who am i?
And why am i still standing?

"I really wanted to be with you. . . .

but i am absent in your future"

Guessed that i have been missing you very much.

I should have just go die. Why didn't i die that day?

Things i have learnt

Here are the things i know for sure :

When you think you're right, you are most likely wrong.
Things that break - be they bones,hearts or promises - can be put back together but never really be whole.
And in spite of what i have said, you can miss a person you've never known nor understand.

I learn this over and over again, evey day i spend without you.

Since she is in so much pain, since you have given her so much hurt and make her life much more difficult for her to cope with, and since you have said before that you would let go if she ask, why do you still keep pestering and holding on or whatever you are doing now? if you have said so, just endure the pain yourself. Just pain yourself and it would be enough. You tried asking her back is just a way to show what you have said about being contented as long as she is happy is just a total lie. A failure.

It is just that she left me this year when i have a hell of a lot time in which i was looking forward to spend more time with her . It is just that i thought that i can spend her birthday with her without fail. It is just that she left me feeling worthless for the world. It is just that i can only start my studies in another half a year. It is just that she left me darn lot of time thinking rubbish at home. It is just that whatever i do, I dont feel the need anymore. I'm starting to hate even the smell of alcohols. And it is the only thing that can make me sleep when i'm at home. That makes me attached to it. And the amount i need to make me sleep is getting more and more. I hate the reek of myself after drinking. I don't want to wake up. I want to cry but i couldn't anymore.

My house electricity went out and memories came in flushing. I just hate it. Hearing from those who said it's good since ' we all can't even see that she is in a relationship with you from the beginning. We have advised you to cut it yourself, right? Now, you suffer. . . . . " Why must i listen to all this now? Am i not suffering enough already? yea, i'm stupid. I chose to trust her for not telling me this and suffer together. I'm asking this. So, serve myself right.

It's good now that i forgot. I forgot happy. I forgot hurt. I forgot pain. i forgot hate. It's too painful to feel.

I don't like to say it in any ways, but i think i must be tired. Too tired to feel anything.

Ah. . How long has it been for me to feel so free? It was such a nice feeling to ride on a bike wandering around my popo's house.

I'm back in ipoh for CNY and have started cleaning the house for a while now. Haiz. . And i thought i would be feeling better and better, it turns out to be. . . . . i don't know myself. Such mixed dreadful feelings that i want so much to fix it to make myself to feel better. Beyond despair. I feel stupid for feeling this way.

Friends, don't comfort. Cos i will feel that you are only making yourself to feel better just to say some words to me. Things won't get any better. I don't need you to remind me that nothing can be done nor be changed anymore. LOL
Cos people will feel like punching you for talking all these. Although i know you guys are concerned and understand about my situation? I will still feel like you guys don't, really. It is especially important when you want to comfort your friends after taking their results ( in which their results are not what they want ) . So, dont comfort. Cos things can't be changed anymore. I know. That's why my friends and I do not intend to ask for each other's results or to try to do anything when we have our results in a few weeks time T___T Miss you so much, HL . thanks for the warm hug you gave me everytime we meet. All the best for our results !

I'm glad that i choose to talk to my friends. Even though you guys are not close to me, even though i didn't tell my mum the whole story ( cos i want my mum to stop mentioning the name), I feel better. My mum said " you reap what you sow and it is you who choose the path "
Yea, it is me who choose to tell friends, to share my sadness and stuff. You didn't. So, don't ask me not to compare my pain and yours when I didn't even compare. The feeling of pain is just the same. Heart breaking and torturing. When you feel like im comparing and ask me not to compare, you're actually comparing mine and yours, not me.

I want to suffer, friends. Don't comfort, really. Promise you that i won't hurt myself.Thanks for listening and sorry for making you guys worry ^ ^. All the best yea.

Thinking of finding a job soon after taking my results XD Hope and pray hard that i'll get one.


don't play tricks with me, god.