God

I just woke up like an hour ago. After meeting up w him last night.

I must have had fever last night. I remembered feeling really cold. And i have been dreaming for some time. Weird dream but you weren't in it. But parts of the dream reminded me of you - lucheon meat and hotdogs. I have actually stopped eating hotdogs or luncheon meat... These are the two things that reminded me the most of you. These are things that I'd love eating w you every weekend but at the same time hoping that you will eat them lesser each day to avoid processed food..

I hate watching the dusk. From the day time becoming night. I hated it cos it was somehow lonely. And empty. I am still scared of the dark. I hate watching the rain alone. Cos it feels too sad to watch the rain alone. But I love the smell of the rain and the freshness it brings after that. The rain makes my hair smells nicer. All these two are happening now. And I don't want to cry. My eyes are painful. I am very empty and scared now. The sky is getting dark.

Why? Why did it turn out to be this way, God? Why is it that I could not return his love? I would very much loved to love him back. Love him harder and harder each day. But why god? He's my pillar of support in everything. Yet why? Why do i not feel secure?

Your back must be damn painful last night. You must be damn painful last night.

If its going to be this painful, Make sure it will be smtg good for the both of us in the end.

Help.

Help.

Help.
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Help.
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Help.

My sky ~

My sky. Reach High. Fly high. 

The more I talk to ppl. I absorb and learn more. Each of them has their own life stories to tell and experiences to share and at the same time by talking to them, it will somewhat gives me my value of existence and I am able to be reminded again by my own life principles and teachings. As the years went by, without me realizing, I have been thru so so much...

1. The world is always changing and moving. If you choose to remain there, you will get stuck and remain at the same spot for the rest of your lives. Thats why, I will not be too lazed at one spot and continuously searching for improvement within myself. I shall aim to continuously upgrade myself so that I won't fear of any changes with the Society and World I am in. 

2. Cultivate good habits for myself. Remain Positive and Focused. Never procrastinate. 

3. Don't give a damn about ppl. I will give hell lot of effort to find out what are my aims and objectives but i don't give hell damn about what ppl thinks of my objectives. 

4. Be Bold and Never afraid of things that I don't understand. 

5. I will be kinder to myself. Cos no one is gonna be kind to me. This is the world that we are currently living in. Sad fact. 

6. Be a better someone than yesterday. 

7. Doubt Myself Lesser.

Sad and crap

For just once, a glimpse regret creep in and i managed to stop it before it got worst. And that's scary. Cos i need my Focus. I need and I want to be Successful in this line. 

For once, lucky for me I managed to pull myself up. Stay Fucking Strong, sw. Do not ever let those ppl pin you down. Work hard. Stay Focus. 

Drink up tonight and tmr will be okay again. Look far, sw. Look up and far. 

Too tired.

Too late.

 Too bad.

 Too sad.

my own fight

I am being thru hell lots of hardships now do u know that fucking hell.. Why really why? Why did it fucking fail still in the end fucking hell.. The dearest you that i have fucking love for so many god damn years.. Its been so tough waiting for you.. so tough just to be loved back finally. You fuckin conveniently forget a single fuck about it initially, making all of it worst. You fucking idiot that didnt give a fuck to your own future. You want to continue the life you're having for the rest of your life? Really? I don't feel appreciated at all when I were with you. Used to help you with your house chores so that you can praised me abit. Let me feel that youre thxful and damn thxful, wishing hard that you will reward me for it. Or just some returns. Its just a hell no for so many years. Then  suddenly, after we broke up, you started feeling it? Really? You start missing me? How is it fair? How is it fair for me that Ive shared my whole with you?

How does it fucking fair after this, I need to get thru all these fucking shits? Do you know what I have been thru? Its pathethic do u know? Its torturing me inside out. And I will never let anyone know. Never ever. I will bring this to my grave. Fucking rely on no one. Stay strong ,sw.

Fuck today must be too damn tired. Fucking tired and sick. Why not I get cancer in someone's place and may that person that needs life more than me fucking live.

I feel that i have no right at all to miss you at all. Fucking no and fucking no that i will come to love again. Fucking no

Insomnia

Help. Why? 

I've no longer held any emotions

Pathetic

I will learn my lesson..

Pls only be true to yourself here, sw... Damn you..

Human are really very weak and fragile..all of them slowly revealing their ugliness to me.. 

Why? Fucking disheartening

I will never allow myself to be on the same level as them. Bear this in mind, sw. Go and reach for the top. 

FUCKING WAKE UP

HOW FUCKING LOW MORE TO GO!!!!!???

HOW FUCKING MORE LOW THAT I HAVE TO GO!!!????

 That's what kept screaming in my heart once my father's Volvo crashed or bumped into a stationary car... I don't even know how to put it..My first accident with my brother as my passenger. The feeling sucks... I was lost. Like totally lost case there.. What if anything happen to my bro? I will never forgive myself.  I will never ever offer to drive anymore until I have the confidence to.. till i have the skills to... AND I WILL NEVER LET THIS FEAR CONSUME ME!!!!!!!

Life's sure HELLA TOUGH. But I've woke up this time. WHAT HAVE I FUCKING DONE!!!???? OR ACHIEVED? WHEN THINGS THAT I HAVE ALL DONE IS ALL FUXKING 21 WHEN IM ALREADY FUXKING 27 THIS YEAR!!!!!! Please wake up, SW. YOU have achieved NOTHING at AGE 27 GODDAMNIT!!!! 

I will work very very hard and achieve something by the end of this year. If not, I have really lost my meaning in life... I dunno what the hell I am living for... why the hell my mum bring me out to this world for...humans are so scary to begin with... Too selfish. She didn't asked me whether my brother and I are okay.. Besides, thinking about the $$$ to repair the car. I don't blame her. I'm used to it anyway.

Just tonight, i will allow myself to weep or get teary just for this.. After this, I will be fucking alright tmr