I've been pretty down. Really down. Tears just flow too easily sometimes. Don't really like it.
Cos nothing will get any better after you cry. Cos you'll only get tired. Eyes will only burn out. The pain and stitches that you feel each time can't be erased even after you cried. I love to learn. But why must it be in a hard way? i am looking forward how things will get better soon. How i can smile more. How to make crying less painful. How that i don't have to hold back my tears when i talk to those who are dear to me. How i will feel like eating again. How i can sleep without getting any nightmares or waking up in middle of nights anymore.

Will get my Undang tomorrow. If i can pass, i can even get my L license within this week for both car and motorcycle. It's fast, huh? Cos huiwen doesn't want to come back here for long.I think i am bad at handling machines since i am always absent minded. So, scared of hurting someone. Haha. . Or mayb at this stage, Die then Die. Haha. . must warn the instructor beside me first. .I've nothing to lose now. Really.

Sorry, ah mi :)

Stitches. . .

It depends on how much or how big the wound. It takes time to recover.
The needle will pierce through you in and out, sewing the wound back.
It hurts. It bleeds. But it is sewing them back nicely.
Just that when you exert too much pressure, or when the needle just sew a little bit faster
the way you want it,
all the stitches are torn apart again.

The good thing is. . . . you're getting used to the pain each stitches made each time :)

Confessions. . .

Ah. . . I stayed awake from 4 till 7am last two nights after watching 6th Sense. It was not a scary ghost movie and in fact it's a nice one. But even the least scariest ghost movie will make me wake up in the middle of the nights. Wake up where I'll find myself imagining stuff and feeling very scared. I'll keep forcing myself to get back to sleep. I don't know. But it's abit embarrassing to admit so many things here. But no one will know. Not even my sister. Unless she reads my posts. Haha.

I grow cold easily. I often find myself snuggle to the nearest person beside me. When i open my eyes, saw that i've taken up a lot of spaces of the bed, when i moved back to my place, it seems i will accidentally make the person beside me uncomfortable and i'll whisper them sorry. Even to my mum. I'll sleep with her again when i go back. Haha. My mum sometimes will wake up and asked me " are you cold? " cos i think i woke her up by sleeping too close to her.

Even though i'm turning 20 this year, i will still gently hold onto the some parts of the clothes of someone sleeping beside me. I held my aunt's. I held my popo's. I help my sis's. And i held yours. I don't know why. But i feel better this way. Maybe this is some kind of childhood problem? I don't like it when i find no one beside me the moment i wake up. When i was a child, i often wake up to find my mum missing, leaving my sister and I in the house. Cos when mum's here, it means less beatings from dad. Even that i understand that she had to go to work. Just that that feeling is really not a good one. A reason that i won't leave anyone behind me. I will give best in waiting for them, doing everything for them.

Don't know why i'm sharing this here.

Maybe it's because i'm still saying " when i'm grown up, i'll . . . " and my friends and my family members will replied " you are not a child now, right? "

If it is, why did i ever feel like one?

i think i miss my popo slightly too much today. Or rather Myself.

How would i know that i would straightly be employed for my first job interview? Working as a part time waitress from 5 pm till 10pm. . . One hour six bucks. . Haiz. . It would seem funny. Why do i go for the interview in the first place when i don't have the mood to work? I would really prefer it to be morning or afternoon. I just want to ward off my mind during the day time. And to start work next week? I'm just making things worse. Dammit. And if i am to turn it down, how things would go after this?



I know i'll be rejected by the local universities. To go poly and waste three years? There are posibilities that i will be accepted into the polytechnics. Then go thru another three years to get my degree? I won't get into the course i want with my current results. Business? Psychology? Hotel management? HOW???? Really dying out. . . . . . . . .How would i know that i'm this useless? Sorry, bro. . . How would i know i would get such results when i can get only As and Bs back in Msia?

It's really turning me off to study. No matter how hard i try, no matter how much effort i put in, it never seems enough. My results showed that i'm not hardworking at all. And it seems i played througout these two years. Singapore is turning me off. And I don't feel like living and depending on my brother here anymore. Is it becoz that i am growing up? Can i say i want to go back to Msia to study? Let me feel like a person again, will you?

And here i am making all these excuses when others are so much more unfortunate than me, trying to cope with living, i am crying here that i am still living. Haiz. . .

It pains me so much to agree with you. The reality is so harsh that i have to agree that pain and hurt is things that will come by if we continue any longer. I'm in Singapore and you're in Msia. Meet three times a year? When things is different, i have to face. And admit. I miss you so much that it pains. I feel really lonely sometimes. You're not having it any better than me too, right?
You should be handling this better than me though.

God, if you give this life to me, make it that i will repay all my sins in the past, so that i would have a better next life. Or make someone else's life better.

I'm back :)

Things were going fine, i guess. Went out with Jasmine and HL yesterday. It was my first time going to sing k with them. Thanks for everything, guys. Thanks for helping me when i don't know how to see the Chinese lyrics. Jasmine has a great voice. I didn't know i can sing like that. Haha. . Thanks to all the experiences that i had with you. Starting to open up , i guess. .i hope. .

Going back to Ipoh soon to learn driving. The theory first. And for Cheng Beng.
News about my acceptance into the places that i have applied will come soon after i have come back from Ipoh. Will see how then. The process of application is making me mad. I have to write an essay for almost all that i have applied just to boast and to sell myself. Don't really like it. But the reality is harsh, right? The society only accepts you if you're worthy enough. And while i'm doing this, I swear that i wouldn't bring anyone to this world to suffer all this.

I'm sorry :)

If we were together ::

How's work,dear? Hope things will get better for you. . .How's sleep? Getting any better? Whatever it is, tell me kay. Let me be by your side. I want to know. Don't wish to see you suffer alone. . . . .

.......................................

It's hard. I know i can't be like this any longer. Somehow, i'm forcing myself now to go for the interview tomorrow. At least do something to distract me enough not to think anymore. As i thought, I'm not good at giving up and letting go. Just don't want to lose control over myself and find you again. Hurt you again. I'm trying hard,really. If it's what you want. I never wanted to leave. God must have a reason for making this happen. And i think i will still want you back for my next life. . next next life. . I'll find you.

What am i talking. T_______T

The End

After reading what annyen posted me. . . . I could finally understand. The seal has been broken.You did it, this time :) I could finally understand what you want now. It's very painful,yes. Understanding the way you see me all this while. And i think there's really no use now.No use explaining for myself or either way. Though i must say I really want to talk with you. Just that it seems like i would always look like the shy and small shanwen to you and you would always look like the-hard-to-talk and hard-to-accept-talk type to me. Like you said, 7 years. The happiest days of my life.

You win. I give up. But i'm really very sorry for what i have done yesterday.I could only recalled what i had done yesterday this morning when i wake up. It's been such a bother eh? To have repeat things for me so many times. Have to hurt so many times to repeat all this. It's been hard to have my friends keep scolding you. .when you only really want to do your own things. I apologize to you sincerely. I won't bug you anymore. Sorry. I don't even know if you could read this now.

Yes, i wake up. I really do, now. I have died twice. I can't avoid the pain that will eat me up eventually. You are the best bf i'll ever had. I never called you that before. But you'll always be.

I can do it. I know i can. I will learn to live for myself. And i will cry for myself. Not you anymore.

When you feel it's too good to be real, it's got to be a dream.
It is just one that i wish that i may not wake up from it.

I dreamt you alot these few weeks. Especially when i fall asleep when i'm too tired.
Everyday is different for me. Some times, i would think it' s just another day. Days pass soon enough for me to grow old, to die. Sometimes, i would be a good girl, thinking that i will wait and i can wait patiently without doing anything now. Not doing anything to hurt you. Sometimes, i would really want to get back to you desperately. Sometimes, realizing you're really not here anymore, i would feel like jumping off from my room window or just take some pills to sleep forever.
But all of it, I miss you.

I'm not selfish in anything but you for myself. I hate myself this way. Words of comfort like loving someone doesn't mean you need to have her slowly eating me up. If you don't reckon it is not an end, it wouldn't be. If you love her strong enough, she stays in your heart. If you are strong, she will be. If you still yearns , she would know. I believe her that she will.

I still directionless. . Still waiting for news to come whether i'm accepted. . But everyday had been the same. The days without you.

So, smile more. I'll just wait. Here.

Just what am i going to do now? As i thought, i really can't bear the future without you.
I don't feel like studying at all. Just want to waste off my life like that.
What's the point putting in so much effort and in the end, it's like this?
I know my brother is very worried about us. He just doesn't reveal it. It's just the end of the world for me. I just know it.

If Singapore doesn't want me, can i come to you,dear?

without you, i'm just. . . .

Self Elements: Metal, Strong
Favorable Elements: Water (1), Fire (2), Earth (2)
Unfavorable Elements: Metal
Secret Friend: Sheep, water or Earth Self element

Personality:
· Lack of creativity and imagination. (Lack of wood)
· Home personality. Rather obtuse or naïve. (only 1 fire)
· Less grounded, rash and unreliable. Not careful. (No Earth)
· Secretive and shy. Cautious in business and reserved socially. Waffle along and lose sight of opportunities. (No water)
· Hard rather than tough. Unbending rather than stubborn. Ruled by belief system and principles that have been ingrained into you since childhood. Tend to reject change or compromise. Difficult to deal with. (Strong Yang metal)
· Tend to be the type that is able to achieve their goals through hard work and efforts. Altruistic and value friendship and brotherhood and are usually strong leaders or strong characters. Lack of flexible thinking and hasty in actions. (Strong Yang metal)

......................................................................

It's just something that my brother has calculated for me. For me to choose the correct course. It looked very acccurate for me. I won't get married. I'm just glad. Haha.

I'm too strong of yang for a girl. No yin at all. I wonder whether this is the reason why i hate boys so much. I'm a boy inside. A strong one summo. I'm a Fire Horse. But my element is Metal. That's what my brother told me.

Had been staying up late at nights applying for universities. But i wonder which will accept such results. My dad kept calling and texting me. I don't dare to pick up cos i scared that i might scream at him. I'm just not in the talking mode. I'm currrently still feeling no better after the break up. So yea, had been complaining here alot. Forgive me. .

Think i'm breaking down. I don't feel like continuing my studies. .All these just changed without giving me some time to prepare for it. Why living can be this painful? What have i done?

I dreamt you dying. That crushed me even more cos i cannot even text you to see if you're ok. But, i think i would want to die after you. So that you won't have to exprience the pain of loss first. So that, you won't feel lonely waiting. You are always lonely no matter how many friends you have. So, i'll always be here, praying and waiting when you need me :)

Which FuCK told you that parents must be the first one to know their DAUGHTER's results. My dad CAlled like A million times. . I'm feeling like shit. What else you want to see? To see how useless we are? To listen to our cries and screams? In the first place, i don't even want to be here. You have the RIGHTS? If you want back the life you've given me, TAKE IT. YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO SUFFER, DO YOU KNOW !

You are not here anymore. . . . That tore me even more apart.

Anh told me love is not one sided. When you miss someone so badly, he or he misses you the same. When you can love someone so deep, that means he or she loves you as deep as well.
I believe her. Just for me to continue to believe one day that you'll come back around. Cos she said i kept on chasing while you're on the run. So, she asked me to stop so that you can have the time to rest enough for me to chase you again. I believe you, Anh. I love talking to you. .At least, you won't keep attacking me with questions that i didn't even know how to answer.

And i didn't know that you had been undergoing the same thing too. You are strong. Strong to not let him know that you're waiting although you are. That's really my everything :) Yours, too right?

I've got a C for my Chemistry. E for General paper, Maths and Physics. And D for Geography. It didn't really affect me though. Just felt bad for my brothers and ah mi who were so worried about me and my sis.My sister's results are much better than mine's. All Cs and Ds. I don't feel anything for now. But i'm happy that i'm able to cry so hard today till i felt like my eyes were bleeding. So that i can sleep easily ( i hope ) without the help of "drinks" tonight.

Thanks, Anh.

I miss you so much, my dear :) I'll always pray that you'll be always be happy and healthy.

You know, i really don't understand. . . Is it only my simplistic thinking that things look only as easy as they seem? Are we really not meant to be with each other? Why? I don't understand. . Why must we end up like this? Is it something really that can't be solved? I'm childish. Naive. Selfish to have complain so much. Why must we let go? Why not choose to face it. . . I don't understand everything.

I know i shouldn't say or probe in any more further. You have your own rights and i have mines. I hate myself to have still hold on. To have made you so pain. I don't know whether it'll heal. But, i don't want anything else. I don't want. Just one word from you. That's all.

Results coming out tomorrow. Let's see how it goes. It doesn't even matter to me anymore.


I'll always be here.

Absence

Title: 缺席
Album: 伦语录
Artist: 黄靖伦


爱 只剩下躯壳
Love left empty shell

为什么还不放手却拉扯
Why not let go but pulled

是我 不甘心还是不舍
Is me who can't accept defeat or can't let go

为何我还在固执的拔河
Why I am still stubborn tug of war

其实我 真的很难
Actually i am really very sad

过只是难过都沦为沉默
Are reduced to silence just sad

可能我 真的不懂得 让你更快乐
Maybe I really do not know how to make you feel happier

我想和你在一起 却在你未来缺席
I really want to have you in your future, but i'm absent in it

给你的爱 那些美丽 已长成藤蔓缠着我的生命
The love and beauty i gave had been vined up in my life

在你的未来缺席
Absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled


如果还有如果
if there is If

就算瞬间老去毫不犹豫
I will not hesitate to even grow old in an instant


爱 是不是都一样 无论多漫长
Love is it not the same? Not matter how long

终究曲终人散
It'll come to an end

可是 我不想因为不敢
But i don't want that i'm scared

却步沮丧然後半途收场
Deterred frustration And then give up halfway

其实我 真的很难过
Actually i am relly very sad

只是难过都沦为沉默
Are reduced to silence just sad

可能我 真的不懂得 让你更快 乐
Maybe i do not really know how to make you feel happier

我想和你在一起 却在你未来缺席
I really want to be with you But I am absent in your future

给你的爱 那些美丽 已长成藤蔓缠着我的生命
The love and beauty that i gave had vined up my life

在你的未来缺席
Being absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled

如果还有如果
if there is If

拥抱你不犹豫
I will not hesitate to embrace you

能不能将你的样子忘掉
Is there a possibility to forget your face

舍不舍得爱 让我控制不了
Love that could or couldn't let go I can't control

只想要 把你拥抱
I just want to embrace you

其实爱上一个人没有解药
There is no antidote in loving someone

我的静脉流着爱陪你到老
I will love you silently till you grow old

原来我 还会微笑
To my amaze, i can still know how to smile

我想和你在一起
I really want to be with you

却在你未来缺席
But i'm absent in your future

在你的未来缺席
Being absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled

如果还有如果
If there is If

就算瞬间老去毫不犹豫
I wont hesitate to grow old in an instant


I still trust you, you know :)
I still want you. Forever is my promise to you.