Since she is in so much pain, since you have given her so much hurt and make her life much more difficult for her to cope with, and since you have said before that you would let go if she ask, why do you still keep pestering and holding on or whatever you are doing now? if you have said so, just endure the pain yourself. Just pain yourself and it would be enough. You tried asking her back is just a way to show what you have said about being contented as long as she is happy is just a total lie. A failure.

It is just that she left me this year when i have a hell of a lot time in which i was looking forward to spend more time with her . It is just that i thought that i can spend her birthday with her without fail. It is just that she left me feeling worthless for the world. It is just that i can only start my studies in another half a year. It is just that she left me darn lot of time thinking rubbish at home. It is just that whatever i do, I dont feel the need anymore. I'm starting to hate even the smell of alcohols. And it is the only thing that can make me sleep when i'm at home. That makes me attached to it. And the amount i need to make me sleep is getting more and more. I hate the reek of myself after drinking. I don't want to wake up. I want to cry but i couldn't anymore.

My house electricity went out and memories came in flushing. I just hate it. Hearing from those who said it's good since ' we all can't even see that she is in a relationship with you from the beginning. We have advised you to cut it yourself, right? Now, you suffer. . . . . " Why must i listen to all this now? Am i not suffering enough already? yea, i'm stupid. I chose to trust her for not telling me this and suffer together. I'm asking this. So, serve myself right.

It's good now that i forgot. I forgot happy. I forgot hurt. I forgot pain. i forgot hate. It's too painful to feel.

I don't like to say it in any ways, but i think i must be tired. Too tired to feel anything.