It has been really long since i take breaks like this...Huiwen went out :) Good time to blog :)
This term looks good to me...Hope i can really do well this time and pull my GPA back up again...I have to admit that i am abit tired of studying...but i still do love to learn new things... One of the reasons why i dowan to go to uni..dun have the heart to chiong for studies liao...scared later i cannot cope in university just like in A levels...very disappointing results no matter how hard i try... Let's see on my Diploma graduation day ! I shall concentrate on my goals ! Adv in Polymer Tech ! and Masters ! Everyone saying Degree is much more secure...But in my situation, i think Adv is better for me.. I have to step out of the comfort zone !!! be confident enough that i can do this !
I have better control of my emotions lately :) I really glad..I cried less now..But sometimes, i just let them flow cos my heart hurts..the 'slicing feeling'....As much as i hate it, it reminds me that i am human :) i have feelings and emotions.. Not a machine..I can complain as much as i allow myself to..I don't give a damn to others when they say i am weak..Complaining and crying both are not considered weak! Cos I chose to show rather than hide now. That is my comfort zone..Isn't yours. Glad that i can recover fast too..I'd rather feel all now :)
I used to hate emotions.. I don't want to feel. Because i am afraid of the pain. I block all those out.. I don't know good or bad..Somehow, the previous-happy-me seems all so fake now.. Why do i happy just to make others happy? Why don't I let my emotions flow so that i can be what i am in front of others? Because as much as i want others to be happy because of me, i want myself to get happiness because of them too :)
i used to call all these as depressions, because i can understand no reason i should be sad ! However, if i think back, there is actually reasons why i feel so..Admitting that those reasons make me sad was the hardest thing to myself!!! Too little and mundane to be considered reasons to cause serious damage to my emotions...lol.. I think others suffering from "depression" had reasons too.. This what i read from the book : " have a little faith"... I was reading this very same book when my father passed away..It was really a good book.. :)
I still haven't quite let go of my father..Speaking of him still abit hard..I missed him :( I wonder how long it will take me to speak of him without feeling heavy inside..I am going back to my Ipoh house for the first time after the funeral..My heart feels heavy... he used to pick me up whenever i go back for almost 5 years since i came to Singapore.. :)
God,
grant me strength and wisdom to see things through.
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