I don't think i have asked that question in my whole life. Or my dad's whole life. Before i left..the last time i saw him in the hospital , he looked at me with those eyes..cannot-bear-to-let-go eyes...It was like the last look...I dun like it....don't see me with those eyes... :(
Before i go and catch my bus, you were finally sleeping..I was glad cos you didn't sleep at all for two-three days straight ! You can't talk...You didn't respond to me. You didn't give me any expressions either.. You were so in pain and yet you couldn't tell us where...I wonder if that's when you got your mild stroke that mum failed to notice..You were fucking thin...I'd rather you talk and kept on scolding us like the times you were hospitalized in the past ! Slap me, Beat me or anything cos i didn't do the things the way you want me to!
I don't want to blame my mum for not staying over that day to watch over you that day ..Why didn't you tell the nurses that you didn't eat ? How are you going to withstand the dialysis without eating anything? Why mum wasn't there to make sure you eat? Why mum didn't just show her concern more towards you? Why mum doesn't want to share a room with you when you are so sick after i come to Sg? Why you go and do all those things in the past that make yourself despicable? Why you make all your children hate you somehow? I don't want to remember all those ! You told me that you have money to use when you sent me money for my back ! But i found nothing in your room to settle card bills when i was back for your funeral !
Even now, I always thought you were the one calling our house phone like you used to everyday :( I miss you, dad...Oh my gosh...I was a much stronger person with you by my side !
Feelings creeping all in ....All delayed feelings like my mum said. Delayed reactions. Cos your mind protects you from breaking down.
I sinned today. I went and watched a movie with my sis...It was an unplanned one. But somehow, i wanted my mind to go off somewhere..I am so fucking weak.. I am no fighter. I am breaking into pieces..My mind and my body...Zm just reminded me of this last night..It was just so true..I am afraid to stop..So i just keep on going and pushing myself to my limit-less.
Until all these illness.. and things that will be soon going to be better around me, I will stop :)
No matter how much I am not used to. I will take breaks. But I am proud of myself since...I took alot of breaks this time. Physically and mentally. I am going to lazy. I want someone to say me lazy for once in my lifetime...lol
I thank you, dad for making me who i am. I am proud of myself. And it's enough for me that you knew :)
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