If i embrace you too hard..

i'm afraid that you would break.

If i hold you too loose..

i'm afraid that you would go away from me.

Could you hold me close and never let me go?

tadaima ~

Ah. . . reached singapore finally ^^ Reached at 7 plus =.=
The bus broke down and i woke up to find myself in the middle of the road. It took nealy 2 hours to move again. Haha

First Stop

Reached Sunway on the 11th Dec and stayed for two weeks at dear's place. Too long didn't see her, i shall say. When i first saw her, i was filled with an unexplainable blissful feeling that she is in my life. I learnt about alot of stuff throughout my stay there. Somehow, knowing things just make my feeling grows. That's all i can say. I really enjoyed myself this time. I mean it whole- heartedly ^^ I had a really good rest after my A levels. That is what i call a REAL holiday. LOL
No lecture notes. No tutorials. I can just lay flat inside the room, reading my book for the whole day. Not bored at all. I came across alot of her friends this time. It's very different from my friends here. They are more playful and open? I can learn alot from their world which is kind of totally different from mine. I'm not saying my life superior than them or what. But i can see things from their vision of life. Different. It's somehow make me more certain of my choices that i can take after getting my results.

Thanks guys for your warm hospitality and concern ^^

I managed to spend some time with my dear. That's what matters most to me. Managed to know her a bit more. Managed to move slightly further into her world. Managed to do what i set out to do there. Thankful. Satisfied.

I sensed it all. I know even before i read your blog. ^^ Sorry for not realising it earlier. I know i come for too long and imposed some disturbance in your life. But that is what i intended. So, you don't have to apologize and take up all the blame. I intend to get hurt and learn how real things go with you since I really reaching all out to you ^^ I'm the one who should say sorry for making you feel this way. I don't know. I'm still not used to expressing all out to you and I'm feeling guilty of saying too much or complaining too much to you. You can feel right? I really wanted you to know how i feel. I'm going to be selfish. So, don't apologize. You can do things the way you want them. But don't push me away. Don't stop me from staying by your side. Don't stop me from caring and worrying for you. I am a bother, I know. But that is how i wanted to love you. LOL

Please understand ^^ Sorry, too. I don't like saying all these things to you. It's going to make you and me think. Thanks for saying all out in your blog. But like what you said, hope things better ^^


Second stop

Reached Ipoh around 4 plus. . Curi curi went and met up with shuyun and yook woon before informing dad to fetch me up. That was Shuyun's idea =.= But i really grateful that i have take this opportunity to meet up with them though it's kinda risky. LOL
I found my old self by being with them. Haha. . laughing and smiling so truely ^^ You would surely be suprised seeing me there. Adding cantonese vulgarities in almost every sentences. Those words just came out from my mouth and even i don't realize myself saying them. My old self. LOL. . . funny. . Thanks guys ^^ Let's meet the same way everytime i come back ! I'll post up some pic that we took soon . . .

Dad was fine. In fact, everyone seems fine afer my grandmother passed away. This is my first time going back to my popo's house without having her there physically. I missed her so much so much. . I sensed her inside. I still dont like the feeling of offering her joss sticks. Haiz. . . .
My mum has gone to taiwan to visit my new-born nephew. It'll be my turn soon. Let's see how things go then. ^^

As usual, i did all the cleanings before i come back here. The floor was ridiculously dusty and the toilets are unexpectedly. . . . . . I don't want to make you feel like i'm living in a ghost house. So, yeah. . . My dad is demanding as always. . .Anyway, parents just don't practise what they have taught us when we are young. LOL

Anyway, let's see how my life goes after this. Take care and all the best to everyone ^^
Merry Christmas and happy 2010 ^^

i'm scared

So what if I am an IDIOT?

Just what right do you have to have hurt me so much ? Who are you to judge her when I don't even dare to?!
We have barely met for two times, and you claimed that you understand the situation very well.
Don't you think it's a bit funny?
Don't try to change my way of thinking anymore.
I believe in her and myself. I don't choose to let go JUST BECAUSE she has changed.
Although it's not into what I wanted, I won't give up on her.
I believe she has her own reasons for not opening up to you guys and me.
She will tell you when she feel likes sharing.
What's your problem?
How true a friend you are? True friends will be satisfied even though just staying by her side. You don't have to do anything. Don't have to say things about her like that. She had sacrifised so much for you guys, without demanding anything back ! I can see it!

Do you realize how pain she was when she admitted that she is a weak person ? My heart almost split everytime i read her blog.
Can't you feel her pain? She can't even sleep at night ! And can't you see how tired she was?! My heart really ache for her.
And yet, you guys suppose to be her close friends, say something like that about her! It was just my courtesy to listen to all your BULLSHIT silently, faking my smiles. And you DARE to ask me to leave her!
I don't leave someone just because they didn't change into what you want them to be. I love her the way she is and I'm thankful that she is in my life.
Thanks for your concern for me. BUT it's not appreciated. So yeah. . . Don't think that you really understand. And if you happen to mention this again, I don't know what i'll do.


Your facade is filled with loopholes. Do you know that? Painful to see you like this. I TRUST you. I BELIEVE you. So, don't fail me. PLEASE. Don't prove me wrong.


i'll be right here

A next turning

Just came back from a morning jog ^^ decided to burn off some fat after last night fulfilling steamboat buffet. LOL My brother decided to celebrate a little. YEAH. My sister finally had her last paper yesterday while i had mine's ended on Monday. It feels lighter. My whole body. Everything. I can sleep like more than 5 hours now. I can just lay on my bed or just stay in the living room, watching television or play with my nephew without the slighest feel of guilt. A real good rest. This concludes my college life IF i don't have to repeat it again next day. *pray hard

I had a small outing with my friends here before i went back to malaysia for my popo's funeral. It would be selfsih of me if i didn't go out with them for the last day when all of them were very concern about my conditon after i told them about my popo. Since we didn't had an opportunity to sit down and have a nice chat, I decided to go out. One of them will be going back to Kuching soon. She's going to be engaged next June. CONGRATS, Jasmine ^^ She is the one who always share her lunch with me. And I am always the Paiseh one who always fear to reject her kindness. LOL

Although they are all from different countries, we had no communication problems. they all had helped me thru my worst period. Thank you so much. I think the day we all will meet again will be the day we take our results together. Yea. . D-day ( DOOMS DAY ) T_T

I will miss you guys ^^ Let's take a step forward together.

I don't know if it's okay to smile or laugh now. I miss my mum. I miss my popo. I miss you very much. I know I can. I must. So that I'm able to stand tall in front of my father. So that no one will get hurt again :)

Jasmine and me ^^

me and Anh

And everyone of us . . .

Weather's nice. Cooling. . Life's busy. I understand that. But remember to stop for a minute and look up into the sky. You'll never realise that the sky can be this blue or the night can be occupied by millions of stars . . .





i'll be there

Ah po [ 23.11.2009 ]

"Ah po, dad called just now and scolded us again."

"What he scold? "

" He said us unfilial , . . . . . "

" You have having exam ma. . "

"I come back and see you hou mo? "

" Hou. . after you finish your papers and homeworks. . ."

"Your father is a very useless person. . "

.............................................................................................

That was the last chat i have with my grandmother before she passed away the next day. What i heard from my mum is that she didn't suffer much. She passed away inside the hospital after vomitting blood. Internal bleeding. Just take her 10 minutes.

I'm not there. The thing i felt worse is that i'm not always there to accompany her. Everytime i go back to Ipoh, I will be always be with my father. Just because I don't want to hear hurtful words from him later. Saying the "the main reason I go back is just to see HIM" . It was a great loss. My grandma even have to come all the way here to see me, worsening her condition which made her admitted into the hospital. I don't know. . . . I just want her be less pain. More peaceful. . .

To me, she is someone who i can seek protection. Someone who i can be myself. I can just tear off my mask and cry and laugh with her. I'm always wearing a mask when i'm at home, with my dad. I'm better at faking than my sister.So, my dad said i'm better than my sister. In fact, every one of us did a very good job in faking ( i mean my siblings ) . Whenever my parents argue or said some hurtful words to me, I would always go to my popo's house. She is the only one that can scold my father without my father scolding her back. I feel scared without her. Scared that i can fake it out anymore. Scared that i might burst. Scared that i lose myself when i want to protect my mum, my sister and my brothers. I'm starting not to listen to my dad and other unpleasant words.I'm starting to rebel. I'm very scared but I'll DO MY BEST. I said and i promise it in front of my popo.

Tears started to swell when i saw her lying there, sleeping soundly. She looked tired and i smiled and said I would want to become your grand daughter in my next life. next next life. . .So, see you there. I miss you very much. . It's not good to cry. If not, she won't bear to leave this world to go to a better one. So yeah. . I try my best not to. For her good and mine's. And i wanted to make everyone less pain too. My uncles and my aunties. So, i must be strong. :)

I'm sure she wanted it too. I wondered if she is happy and peace now. My grandma loved flowers and there was alot surrounding her. I thank everyone for being so considearate and helpful in helping out the funeral. Thanks for accompanying my popo.

I asked her before i come back to singapore. I had always wanted to tell her. I wanted to seek permission from her. And i am very sorry that ah po always had to hear those unpleasant words from me.

" Can i be with her? "

The first one was a NO. It was again NO. And I asked for the last time. YES . I was relieved. I'm sorry for turning away from the righteous path. Sorry. Sorry for wanting you to say yes. Sorry. My parents still doesnt know about it. I'm glad that i let popo know. I understand why she said No at first. Sorry, ah po. It is my sin. I know.

Some photos to share. You can find more in my facebook :)

my popo's house :)

ah po :)

Hmm. . . Sorry everyone if i done something that pisses you guys off during this period or if i smile less in the coming days, please forgive me. ^^ Take care and all the best.

Peace

A levels and abit of something of This and That ^^

Weather was rather cooling today. A level is coming to an end. AH. . just two more paper. But honestly, I'm already slacking. Haiz. . .

This year's A levels was rather unpredicted and unexpected. It was way different from the past years papers that i have done. I think i have given my best. That was already my best. It was the same feeling I had before i come to singapore to study. I thought that if i weren't given a place in all the colleges in singapore after doing their admission tests, it means that i'm really not fit to study in singapore and i would continue my studies in Ipoh. It's the same feeling now :)
BUT I do not intend to go back to Ipoh to study this time even if i didn't make it to reach the unreachable. (To me, it seems so)

Another thought is that God won't send me here for nothing.^^ So, i think I CAN. Along these two years here, I have learnt not to give up when things really wanted you to. I only have 5 hours of sleep everynight before this. And i'm proud that i'm able to keep that up for 2 months ^^ study , eat , sleep. . I don't know the definition of tired anymore. I don't even dare to say that word out in these 2 months. I'm really glad these hard times are going to end soon. YEAH !!!

I went out today ^^ Met up with Chris and the others. Orchard is nice. They have started to decorate for christmas. The trees along the road sides have been decorated with alot of pale blue and white lights. Chrismas trees. . Santa claus. . . The night is really scenic. Ah. . just a comfortable day for me. If she was here then, I thought it would be perfect. ^^
After having dinner, we had a stroll along Orchard road. Hope everyone enjoy themselves here.

I will be going Ochard again next week after I finish my Chemistry paper ^^ This time is to have a small gathering with my singapore friends before each of us go in our separate ways . They really helped me alot.. Although we barely knew each other for less than a year, we have gone thru hard times together, supporting each other. We learn from each other. So yeah, hope everyone the best for their future undertakings ^^ Ka yao !

Time to get back to study. Sorry for the long post XD


different frequencies

From me ^^

Things better now. I hope. My grandma was admitted to the hosipital and everything is going bad for her. I was naive. My pain was nothing compared to hers. She can still smile and made a long way here for me to see her. With all the abdominal pains, liver , kidney. . .everything is slowing down for her. I wonder why. Why make someone like her suffer from all this? I haven't exprience this before and I'm kinda afraid to accept it. I haven't lose any of my loved ones before. So, yeah. . Kinda pain. Kinda want to take her place. That's why i think life is really hard. We must have done something very wrong in the past that we were to born as human to suffer. I wonder how she feels in total darkness. Something that i fear so much also. She can't see now. So, i think I shouldn't be afraid of darkness anymore. I want to be as brave as her. Putting a step ahead without knowing what's ahead. I shall have no fear for what comes for me. Not pain. Not sadness. Anymore.

You know, I used to hold up my feelings - that is to surpress my happiness or emotions. So that i won't get too much hurt later. Some way, protecting myself. I know that's abit unfair to everyone cos some of them really put out all of thier effort in to reach out to me. So, I have decided not to bind myself anymore. So, let it come. HAte Love Hurt Disappointment. They are much people who are much more unfortunate than me. Although there are also much more people lucky than me XD

Sorry that i couldn't be there. Not being able to lend you my shoulder. It's okay to be like this. Just express out when you feel the NEED. Just like what I'm doing now although I'm having A levels =.= My feelings for you has grow stronger again. You know? ^^ So , you better be strong.Cos when you feel this way, I feel the ache too. I will be strong for you. So, buck up. I will go to you soon. You know, I'm very happy with you just staying beside me . Even though we are not talking, not doing anything, just staying by your side made me feel secure. Even though sometimes, I feel weird and stupid cos we are staying silent towards each other. In some ways, i feel you more and get comforted in some ways. I hope you can be fine soon. Hope you'll find happiness soon. Everyone also ^^

Updates about A levels will come soon straight after i finish it. Just 5 more papers to go. I don't wish to talk about it here now. Haiz. . . Let's do it. Let's face it and finish it. Stupid A levels.

Take care everyone. ^^ Ka yao !


LNM you ~