"What he scold? "
" He said us unfilial , . . . . . "
" You have having exam ma. . "
"I come back and see you hou mo? "
" Hou. . after you finish your papers and homeworks. . ."
"Your father is a very useless person. . "
.............................................................................................
That was the last chat i have with my grandmother before she passed away the next day. What i heard from my mum is that she didn't suffer much. She passed away inside the hospital after vomitting blood. Internal bleeding. Just take her 10 minutes.
I'm not there. The thing i felt worse is that i'm not always there to accompany her. Everytime i go back to Ipoh, I will be always be with my father. Just because I don't want to hear hurtful words from him later. Saying the "the main reason I go back is just to see HIM" . It was a great loss. My grandma even have to come all the way here to see me, worsening her condition which made her admitted into the hospital. I don't know. . . . I just want her be less pain. More peaceful. . .
To me, she is someone who i can seek protection. Someone who i can be myself. I can just tear off my mask and cry and laugh with her. I'm always wearing a mask when i'm at home, with my dad. I'm better at faking than my sister.So, my dad said i'm better than my sister. In fact, every one of us did a very good job in faking ( i mean my siblings ) . Whenever my parents argue or said some hurtful words to me, I would always go to my popo's house. She is the only one that can scold my father without my father scolding her back. I feel scared without her. Scared that i can fake it out anymore. Scared that i might burst. Scared that i lose myself when i want to protect my mum, my sister and my brothers. I'm starting not to listen to my dad and other unpleasant words.I'm starting to rebel. I'm very scared but I'll DO MY BEST. I said and i promise it in front of my popo.
Tears started to swell when i saw her lying there, sleeping soundly. She looked tired and i smiled and said I would want to become your grand daughter in my next life. next next life. . .So, see you there. I miss you very much. . It's not good to cry. If not, she won't bear to leave this world to go to a better one. So yeah. . I try my best not to. For her good and mine's. And i wanted to make everyone less pain too. My uncles and my aunties. So, i must be strong. :)
I'm sure she wanted it too. I wondered if she is happy and peace now. My grandma loved flowers and there was alot surrounding her. I thank everyone for being so considearate and helpful in helping out the funeral. Thanks for accompanying my popo.
I asked her before i come back to singapore. I had always wanted to tell her. I wanted to seek permission from her. And i am very sorry that ah po always had to hear those unpleasant words from me.
" Can i be with her? "
The first one was a NO. It was again NO. And I asked for the last time. YES . I was relieved. I'm sorry for turning away from the righteous path. Sorry. Sorry for wanting you to say yes. Sorry. My parents still doesnt know about it. I'm glad that i let popo know. I understand why she said No at first. Sorry, ah po. It is my sin. I know.
Some photos to share. You can find more in my facebook :)
my popo's house :)
ah po :)
Hmm. . . Sorry everyone if i done something that pisses you guys off during this period or if i smile less in the coming days, please forgive me. ^^ Take care and all the best.
Peace
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