. . . . . . .

Ah. . . Just felt like writing . .

I believe there's always a time or times where you wanted to be alone. To do things you wanted to. To be honest with yourself. To be "naked". ( Don't get dirty-minded ! ) . .What i mean here is to be just yourself. To let all your emotions flow without having to care the people beside you. What will they be thinking. Or how they would think of you afterward. No matter how close that person is to you. You would still want to have a time for yourself :)

Even i am used to being "naked" with my sister. . since we are born together :)
But you know sometimes. . . it's hard. Sometimes, you are too tired to think about others. Sometimes, you just want to break down for a while. The times where nothing can get into you.
You just want yourself that time.

Yea. This feeling is nice. . Everyone's not here :)

Compared to seeing your sister hugging herself in a corner , crying because you said 'pain. . "
Compared to having to know your sister didn't eat because you didn't.
Compared to seeing your brother lost his smiles just because you're different now.
Compared to hearing your mum saying " I'm sorry. . " to you just because she can't help you.

Sorry for writing all these. These are just my expressions. I'm doing well. Will update about my school when school starts next week. Take care, everyone. Please smile so that i can smile back to you :)

these are not my dreams anymore

Actually

Virtual emotionally attraction . . .

Few days ago. . I received a call that i was accepted into Singapore Polytechnic for Materials Science. I was rejected by Nanyang and Ngee Ann Polytechnic though. . This is the only choice i have.But this is not the subject that i don't like either. .I had always love Chemistry. So, that's how it goes.Applied for everything including Tuition Grant and Tuition Fee Loan. So, i've got to stuck here to repay my debts in future. . .As i thought, i can't take the easy way out in Malaysia afterall. It's good that I didn't put much hope in it. I'm too tired to think so much now. At least, i can still study. I had always love studying. I love to learn. . Although i get them all in the hard way, i won't hate studies :)

Haiz. . . Somehow i was reverted back. Too scared to be too happy now. Or shall i ask what is happy now :) ? Too scared to hope now. And basically, too scared to have emotions. Since the results weren't good when i took it all out. When i gave it my all, I received them all back. So, let's keep them half . . . it's okay even if you get them half of them back :)
I'm not as courageous as my popo afterall.

I'm still having nightmares. Since you can't make them go, might as well treat them as a part of your life :) . In there, somehow, all my emotions flow. I was so scared in it. So scared that when i wake up, still i was.I dreamt all these all over and over again. It's really unfair to show me all these now, really. . So scared that tears flow so much in it when i don't dare to run. The thing that i don't understand is that Since it's this tormenting, why that i would still prefer that i don't wake up at all. Also, the thing that i can still do is to question to the validity when i wake up right? :)

I'm growing up, i guess. . You have to listen to truths . They are all harsh ones. Even still, i accept them. This feeling wasn't nice though. It is as if i'm leaving a lot things behind. . I hate this. If can, i don't to give anything up. . I won't :)

School is starting on the 19th. .Kind of lazy . .I had been enjoying my days at home watching loads of good animes. LOL
I'll study as if i were dying. Guess i'll take up Japanese too XD
See me shine . . . And i hope i will. .


I'm sorry that i have to go

For the things that i can't bring you to see

Please see them for yourself

You have to

. tonic. . .tequila. . . vodka. .
. . . cognac. . . whiskey. . wine. . .
. . . . beer. . champagne. . . rum. . . brandy. . . .

Helping you to numb everything. . . at least for a while
I just need a while. . .

No use saying I don't want. . No use saying I want. . .
I'm just going to do it. That's how it is.

Yes. And that's all.

No more please

Sorry

I know :)

I'm forcing myself to do every single little thing.
To breathe. To live. To eat. To study.To move on.
What else do you want me to do?
I'm really tired. Really .

I'm not good at hiding.
Yet you say i hide them well behind my smiles.
Guess i'll show you a nice facade.

Don't want to hear you say " i failed as a mother. . . "

true meaning of tired. . .

Tired is that you just want to lay still,
without moving a single cell of your body,
to stop having anymore emotions that
will strain your brain and heart,
too tired to open your jaws to talk or to eat.

Only with your eyes closed,
and the feel that time has finally stopped for you.

The wish that you could sleep forever.


I wanted to write this for long. During my A levels. But back then, i decided that it is not that serious.I would still want to get up and continue.

Exactly this way now, i feel.

you see, you tore me up quite too much :)

Back From Ipoh. . . .

I miss my bed, i guess . . . Or can i say everything?

I went back to RPS for training but Sir didn't turn up that day. It's good that he rested at home though. Speaking of which, I forgot that i promised him that i would call him before i come back to singapore. Haiz. . .I miss RPS. . Those days. . . the place where i grow and learn a lot of things. . the happiest days of my life. . .the place where everything started after all. . . Happy to see my juniors, coping with their problems well, i hope :)
Managed to talk with my form teacher, Puan Fong a little. It was nice talking to her. Gave me good advices since she is the one who know where are my limits after teaching me for two years. Hope that she didn't go and spread around that i cried while talking that day. Haha. I'm so much used to crying than smiling nowadays :) You're the best teacher i've ever had, Pn. Fong !

Along these few days, i learn that things always won't go the way you wanted them. Not that you like or you want. Nothing of that sort. I talked to mum and mum taught me to be practical. You want it or not, you still have to. I think she is right. Me too. I don't want all this so much. Mum said coming back to Msia to study is very expensive ( i mean good private universities ) . I find it harder to live with family now. I always try my best in making everyone happy include my dad. But i find it so hard now. How can you do it especially when you're not? I think i have lost my old self. And it seems it affects my family a lot. I'm being grumpy all the time. Dad always make use of this and always persuade me to go back more frequently. Why must you force me to please you? Why do you always make me to feel so guilty so much? Only Me. Why not the others?
I cannot do it anymore.

It still feels tough without my popo. And this time, visiting more graves. I broke down when i saw her. I miss popo so much. Other than that, i had always enjoy cheng beng :)

I'm glad that i passed my Undang at one go at 46.
Driving lesson was ok. I was nervous and scared at first.It didn't turn out badly, i guess. I didn't believe that i was driving. Haha. . But i prefer motor. Feels free. I sucked at driving. The engine died kinda lot of times when i was at the slope.The uncle kept scolding me for not being gentle with the brake. I bet all instructors have black rotten teeth and long dirty nails. Still touch my hand summo. T__T I think someone told me this before? Sounds familiar :)
Anyway, i'm looking forward to driving lessons again.


"Ah po, I'm very scared."
"Are you lonely below? "
"Take me away with you . . "

Given what unwanted

I've been pretty down. Really down. Tears just flow too easily sometimes. Don't really like it.
Cos nothing will get any better after you cry. Cos you'll only get tired. Eyes will only burn out. The pain and stitches that you feel each time can't be erased even after you cried. I love to learn. But why must it be in a hard way? i am looking forward how things will get better soon. How i can smile more. How to make crying less painful. How that i don't have to hold back my tears when i talk to those who are dear to me. How i will feel like eating again. How i can sleep without getting any nightmares or waking up in middle of nights anymore.

Will get my Undang tomorrow. If i can pass, i can even get my L license within this week for both car and motorcycle. It's fast, huh? Cos huiwen doesn't want to come back here for long.I think i am bad at handling machines since i am always absent minded. So, scared of hurting someone. Haha. . Or mayb at this stage, Die then Die. Haha. . must warn the instructor beside me first. .I've nothing to lose now. Really.

Sorry, ah mi :)