Why

oblirated

Hotaru No Mori e

Its that kind of Love. 

Those that Lived A Butterfly's Life

Why do someone need a blog?

Thanks to you, I didn't needed one for so so long.. To pour my daily thoughts or daily updates. Yet here I am again. The only place where I can just tear down my mask, my inner thoughts..

Ive graduated for the past 9 months now. Been in AIA for the past 3 months. This is my 4th month. Time flies. I've learnt so much.. so so much .. I have learnt that Life Isn't About Roses and Butterflies the SUPER hard way. Someone that like Roses and Butterflies like me frequently think that Life had always that way or that People just fail to see or search for them. Open their Eyes and they can find their own Butterflies.. :) Is that so?

Things been so hard for me. Yet I feel myself stronger. I no longer feel emotion. I have forgot how to be happy and sad for the longest time  know. Work is all that i had. Friends and family that I can pour my shit to? None. Why? Because in my line of career, I can't complain.. And its not professional to do so. So just suck it and Life is like this. They chose not to be a Butterflies. Butterflies are really rare outside. Really very rare. In my line of work, ppl reveal their inner self to me.. Omg, so UGLY. So shitty..Full of shits and fake ppl out there.. Why? Why chose to pollute ? Im fighting hard and strong not to be polluted. So the irony is Those that Lived a Butterfly life, NEVER LIVES LIFE. So what is your choice?  Fuck all of them.. fuck all these shit.

The only emotion i felt strongest is Anger. Anger pushes me forward alot. I shall remain a Butterfly and I will Fly as High.. When tiny little sadness came creeping in, I don't allow myself to wallop in Self Pity. I realized that I don't cry as bad anymore. I'm like wow. My tears have dried up afterall.  But Pain is always there with me. Especially yesterday. Everything seems like breaking apart.. my dearest zm,..work, my sister, My PR application gone wrong cos my sister book it wrongly? I can feel myself slowly breaking...And I cried so hard last night. Oh god till now I felt like crying... Im just tired, I guess. Very very very tired...inside me is always crying..

To zm:

You were one of the rare butterflies.. :) Thanks for everything up till now.. I'm sorry. I am so so sorry that I fell apart and I fell out of love from you. Sorry for the Pain that you were going thru..I hope one day U will no longer feel it.. I do still miss you very much as a Friend.  You were my Best Friend and my Lover true to my own soul, my heart and my body.. afterall :)  please take care. Stay happy and healthy always always..  :)

I'm sorry. 

I had always wanting to blog. I keep reminding myself to. Ever since that Monday.
That Monday I walked into his office when I made the decision not to leave him. I told myself the moment I walked back is the instant when my answer will only be a yes when the question to be prompted will be prompted some day in the future.

I told myself to write a blog to remember and to look back. So that I won't easily give up. So that I know how much I am losing if I were to let go. To a guy that never fail to be there. Never fail to pull you back to him no matter how many times you push him away. But there was never a good time. Right after that I had to prepare for my graduation, etc.

I hit the bottom when I first argued with my own mum... It pains my heart. Till now it does. I got confused and afraid of expressing freely to my mum. I learnt that in most situation, its bests to keep your own cool. Tone my voice down and speak slowly. So as not to heighten matters up. I did apologized to my mum but then she didn't got it as much i thought and I have became so tired at explaining... Thats the day I lost a family standing in my heart.

Soon after, my sister broke down I tried hard not to when she did. Her relationship is in a mess and I was so much grateful that mine's wasn't. And I did my best to help her out. To soothe her as much when  my sis in law is not helping..In the end, when I thought the table was finally turning, it turned out to be only the floor that trembled. The table was still in tact to the ground. I was only a fool to think that my sister's life is going to be finally setting straight and she can finally be free and happy. Thats the day i think i stop caring.  But all in all. I am very grateful that she finally had a job and her employment pass is approved.

I went for an interview, feelings finally positive but I was told that my skills are too generalized that it will be hard for a company to fight for my employment pass or PR. I thank her for that statement. Thats the day when I finally set my path on becoming an insurance agent. I will not look back. There isnt any supporters. I don't feel it from him as well. The road is so tough for me. To walk on my own in the sea; fighting the currents that will not stop coming unless Earth stop spinning..

The tall buildings made me feel small. So many small little windows... I passed by buildings like this each time i go for my paper... It makes me feel how insignificant I am. How small I am in this world. There is so much more for me to learn.I had my papers two days in a row. The night I stepped out of the exam building, my tiredness slowly creeping in. I pushed them back, fighting to force myself to go home instead of taking a relaxing night stroll... What is exactly tired

I tried to scream for help. Tried wanting someone to understand. Wishing hard that you can make it away. But it couldn't be you no matter how many times I tried. I talk but you do not understand. I speak but you don't listen. You care but you do not ask. How well do you actually know about me?

 I worry alot for you. Worry for your health. Your health been constantly worsening. For you and your mum. You wouldn't know how much I hated your brother during these period. How much how much I am hating him. Or maybe you.. for letting him doing this to you and your mum. And me. I worry for your back, for your stomach; your sleeps.. I feel bad making it worst each time we argued. I feel so bad hurting you. I feel so pain. I got irritated each time when you worry for me. When you did not help yourself. You are not helping me.. when you are not helping yourself.

Thats when i realized why i do not feel comfortable relying on you. When I could not look up to you.

Is your illness binding you? Is your illness binding you, draining you all your motivation and ambition.. draining you all your drive in life. Till you don't dream for yourself or us anymore. You complain and complain about work. But you are not doing anything about it. Each day feeling lazy to go work. What can I do to help?
What can i do to spark you up again? Its when i tell myself its okay. I will work harder in your place. I will make sure we both live better in the future.

Yet I have failed to tell you...To comfort you and to motivate you. That you will recover in time. Just don't stop believing and hoping.. That I will stay by your side...That when you are in pain.. I will be there to help you.. Don't be scare and afraid... cos you have me and that I am there..

I am just a failure gf.

太多的差别    距离了太远 对的太少

 I lost my footing to the ground.

A draft some time in July

I wish tonight won't end so soon.