zm sw

I just lose it. My rational. My feelings. When I was cornered deep. Don't cornered me...it will even go worse..When deep down I couldn't even pinpoint the real factors or reasons that I feel so xinku inside. When I needed your help so much. I tried to tell you. I hope hard that you would understand how I am feeling. But how?

When I am lost myself. This feeling is so heavy....

Zm..I don't know how. Can you teach me how? Why do I feel nothing when I see the face of the man I love so deeply? Thats why my tears flow...Why do I feel nothing!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! 

What really happen, sw? Why and how?

My feelings for you as if it got backfired. Those strong feelings that I have. I keep crying. Till i keep telling myself that it will be alright the next time. The next moment I see you I will be happy again. I keep telling myself this when I was sad. But this time is so different. I'm stuck. I'm slipping away. I cannot even tell you I will be alright tmr...That's when I ask you to make me happy. I wasn't asking you. I was begging you. I wanted to meet you so that you could fix it. And the more you say we often meetup. Means..you are alright not meeting too. My heart is so pain now...

 When you ask me if I wanted to break up with you. My heart suddenly so pain. So pain till I lose my energy..I am still fighting within myself. and you have no right at all to break my fight. 

My last happy memories I had with you was the bus ride. From Tao Payoh to ur hse.. During Christmas...and I still remembered that I cried that night too. Too touched when you went out to buy me milo and I felt blissful to be able to be beside you during that night. Being able to hug around your neck that night made me teared. 

But what happen after that??????! 

All I remembered after that is crying and sad. Hurt. Heartaches. Why won't he ask me for breakfast? Why did he go game on that day leaving me nothing else to do for almost 2 hours plus?Why did he seldom apologize? or show appreciation? He will always sit at the table playing his game when I reach his house. Why did he not open the door for me?? When will he call me to talk but not argue in the phone? To listen to my voice before he sleep? Why he need to think of any happy memories of us when i asked him when I can at least name one on the spot? Then is he really happy? Why he wouldn't place his hands on my shoulder just like all girls will like to be in their bf arms? I envied Marc whenever D did that.

My heart so pain... I know you're not doing alright at all this February. Your family, work and this. I failed as a gf to really understand and provide you a comfortable spot and yet add on your worries and heavy burdens too. We made that promise for it to work too. But your lack of loves..your appreciation..it's like i cannot take them in anymore..Will letting it go easier for me and you?If I am able to sleep and I know I will from my sore eyes...I almost wish that I do not wake up. Cos I do not know how. I am quite affected and I will force myself to study tmr so tht I can do well this friday.

God, I am a failure gf. Please grant him good sleeps and good health... May everything goes well or smooth for him at work and his family.. May his family be well and sound.