It was literally torture at first. I cannot even find myself deleting your messages. I cried so hard on that day when you told me to delete them all on the phone..so that i won't see. You have not made up your mind then. It was three years back now...I was hugging my knees crying beside the toilet door.
Another year passed. I tried hard to detach and I asked you not to contact me till I am ready to take you as a friend again.
Then those blockings came. When i blocked you, it wasn't meant to cease any sort of communication or two-ways communication with you but to forbid myself to get hurt. So that I will give up on you. So that you couldn't hurt me anymore. You hugged me and kissed me still. And yet you told me that you would look for other ppl and so should I. I was too blinded in those feelings then for its the only way to remain close with you. You had told me that you might have feelings for so many other girls..I did not want to listen to any of your explanations and so still I came back to you with a lasting hope. I couldn't stopped myself from missing you.
The second year passed.
I couldn't take it no more. And sm came by. He was the solution. Those chains that i put on myself felt lighter. And yet I was too accustomed to those chains that I couldn't bring myself to leave. Even though i was out with sm, be it hug or so.. I would always want to head home but not you. I didn't look forward going home whenever i was out with you. I continued wearing those chains praying one day you would unlock it.
You made me wait for another 6 months.
We started to really going out recognizing each other as bgr. Even though it was inofficial and unstable. But I am proud of it. I was proud of having you as my bf. I showered you lots and lots of love. I said it out hoping that you could feel it from me. I told you that i missed you and I really mean it. And i wished and prayed hard again for the same return of wishes. You replied me with silly emotions. The monkey emotions. It broke my heart. I wanted so much to be held hands and guided to cross the streets or walkways. You made fun of my lack in sense of directions. When all I tried was not walking behind you. I walked in front or beside. That's how we walked different directions. I hate it very much.
My birthday came. It was my first time celebrating my bday with my bf. And yet another two girls shared the same flower as mine. Rainbow-colored roses. And the portable charger was not even his choice. But all the while, I told myself not to let him know. Till one day, i choose to let you know. I am very appreciative of your effort in planning and his thoughts. It wasn't perfect but I had my happiest first bday celebration with you. It was one of my happiest date with you.
Another six months passed. Ppl started asking me and mh asked me out on new year. He wasn't aware that I was attached to you and I asked you if i can tell him. But you said the otherwise. That it would be hurtful for him. But I have already hurt him worst three years back.
Valentine's day ard the corner. I didn't know if I should go out with you since you wanted to go into your cave. And we had always been arguing due to loads of matters. Due to not being able to let ppl know. Due to you not holding my hands. Due to once you went out alone with hl without letting me know. Due to me feeling that I am indifferent from a friend. It felt almost hopeless. In the end, I'm glad that I did and I was really happy and very touched. You touched my heart and I once felt hope and faith in our love again. I was really happy that you told me that it's alright tagging you in pics and telling friends that we are together when they asked. I am so happy that you could do that for me.
Another month passed. I started feeling better going out with you. You would hold my hands occasionally. You hugged me more often. You supported me throughout my uni studies. I was so grateful having you and you will assure me that you are always there. And yes. You did. So am I.
You took away a huge chunk of my heart till now. I feel like I was already binded to you. I love you so much. So much.
But those paranoid and insecurities throughout the years didn't left me. It was not that I don't trust you having no love feelings for them. You fail to provide me securities right from the start. It went worst when you would add students up at fb and even initiates talks with them. After being in an relationship with me. It was accumulating in me from day to day. Seeing you showering other girls compliments, asking them out in my face, talking with them so that you can know them more as friends. Yet again. You chose not to let them know that you are attached. I thought we have been through it and you will do the same like me. You disappointed me when you told me it was your personal and private life. When I should be sharing it with you already. That is the meaning of attached. Its not changing you. But you did not. How hurtful it is. To have already offered you to go out on that day instead or so. But you told someone else that you're boring. Instead of me. I feel like you are sick of me. I feel useless as a gf. Not being able to make her own bf comfortable enough to confide in her.
You have showered me love and care as a bf. I am really thankful for all the effort and all. I know you did make the effort. But with you having second thoughts when I asked you to let your friends know, don't you dare telling me that you are looking further in our relationship.
I could not bring myself to see past that now. Be it in time that you will but I am too broken to follow your pace already. I couldn't go in much further when you don't allow me to take up some of your space.
I love you, Baby and I really do. How much i wished that those insecurities will vanish and i would feel alright if you explained to me it will be. I am sorry again to have checked on your phone. I regretted but I guess things happened for a reason. It just told me that I couldn't accept ways like it is. And it is already part of you. Trust me, I love all of it. I have said it alot of times. I love your goods and bads. I aren't perfect, i know. But not this. Those that you give aren't enough prove. You just cannot overcome it. Being afraid to share your private life with me. It matters so much to me.
God, please grant him good shape and health always. Make his headaches, dizziness, nausea and all discomforts to go away. Transfer his sadness and pain of losing me to me. Grant him good sleeps every night and if he really seeks comfort and enjoyment in life by knowing more friends, then grant him true friends and may he found someone he truly loves and she truly accepts him as who he is.
And May my Pain Heals In Time.
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