Fading Edge

Stay strong, sw..

Mensus shud be coming in another 2-3 weeks time. But damn, my emotions.. got so emo.. and bitter.. Tears just flow ... Been quite eager to cry today. Without any reasons. Just empty. Very empty. I do not feel like talking with anyone at all.

Yet, deep down, I cannot deny I did wish for someone to share my time, my emotions, so that i could no longer felt this abyss of emptiness. I crave to enjoy a good movie and a good meal with a good company and with a sound mind and body. Just take all these emptiness away. I try hard not to wish for that person to be you. Because i know it will never be possible between us anymore. Not possible for me to accept you as it is anymore for I had already really Wished Hard that you would chase - for each girl love to be continuously chased and I can tell you the return will be ten fold for most guys when girls deep down felt loved.

For as the chase or honeymoon period was never a long period for the both of us. Till now, Ive Already wished hard enough as I gave myself till 27th May. Things meant to be Shall Be. 
You're not alone thinking things might just be a fluke if we got back together. You're not alone feeling scared of the possible pain or hurt. You're not alone thinking whether things will remain the same as it is. You're not alone whether thinking all these will happen again.Am I not there facing these with you? Yet, I walked back with such strong feelings. It was the peak of it during these past months. Yet i know, it is almost like a Sin to Ask, a Sin to Want. It came back bitting thrice. Painful. Hurtful.  Do not ever lower your self-worth for anyone. Even for me. But I thank you for being who you are all these years. You are who you are :)

I know I was the one to be constantly leaving and you're the one that's been constantly pulling me back. Take it as my fault for leaving someone like you. Someone that has held my dearest feeling. It was hard for both. It was so hard for you, i know. But then, what's a relationship without proper lasting happy feelings? Is that not a sign that we both didn't suited each other rather than lying to ourselves that things will get better if both had put in enough effort? I really do not know.

Is it really that hard to have someone to put me first?  To held me gently, closely to their heart? That's the reason i kept playing the Song " Closer" by the Chainsmoker when you asked me why i keep playing this song... Cos I would really love for someone to hold me closer. Needed that comfort especially when I were facing such harsh phase in my life. My initial phase of work life. It was beyond harsh. Every day was never an easy day. So as now. Every hope and wish and fantasy that I've had for you, constantly been a harsh slap on myself. As i know it will never happen nor I want to ask or wait for it to happen. Tiring. Losing. Fading feelings.

 And i believe strongly one day, I will no longer feel this way. I believe one day, All These will be left behind. Breaking myself to rebuild a Stronger sw. A Fading Sw, Right now, What did I've got to lose?

Stay strong sw. Do not fade away.

20.26.18.22.3.26.18.22

Cold water freezes into solid ice, and then becomes flowing water again; futile.  That's what I've got today.

good to come here at times for a visit. But let's hope i don't have to come back here anymore. I can do this.

There's no if, there's only when. 
And I will Go Out to make it happen. 

We Learn as we Grow,
We Grow as we Learn. 

(my dad told me this when i was a kid) - its so true

zhiming

When you have loved that person so much and at the same time, hurt that person so much.

I have lost the right to say anything at all. I know i didn't stay but would u stay if you have lost feelings for the other till ur heart almost shifted and it stunned me out? You started to blame me and going thru the hurting process.. and in the process, you are hurting me too. You didn't even know what do you want. What I worried most did surfaced.. We have too much bad bloods. Sorry to have hurted you so much. You didn't give me much happy memories to forget the unhappy ones. You have had your own thinking of treating that person perfectly. That wasn't the perfect I wanted. That perfect seldom carve a smile on my face much.

 As usual, I am always not a priority. Thats what this short few weeks of interactions with you have thought me. Or is it unfair to measure or judge with just via these few weeks of madness.

You know ,today i walked to dover and even walked the bv path. I felt what u felt. I told myself if nothing is happening after i finished walking this walk, so be it. Then we walk separate ways.

Ive asked and asked again. I even imagined myself hugging u - didnt let u go. I am even in my proper attire now wanting to go over. But then will it work? We have too much bad bloods and bad memories to erase. Ive had alot. Alot. You made me waited for you for 3 years. In the process, you have hurted me so so much.. without u realizing. I couldn't feel your love for me. I don't know how u express to that person or show her. I just do not know.

It felt nice how each time when u turned back. You hugged me before u go. I can feel u turning back for me. I was like finally. Why only now? Can u remain this way?

Isn't it going to be the same all the way again.

i will just take the mrt ride. I have no rights since you are still hurting. i shoulnt mess up your process of letting go or hurting. I will not. go away.

Help

Hey yo feelings, dont come back if he's not ready. If you know you cannot undone what you had done. Its been too hurtful for both sides.

But then, finally, I suddenly stun...when i see ur name, a familiar name popped out in my head. My ming ming...Oh feelings gradually returning but why now? Why then now? Will us both be happy? If No, God  Please Stop it.  For Us Both. Be it clear.

Help

Help.

I am just a girl. Can i not be strong
Why do i need to go thru this

God

I just woke up like an hour ago. After meeting up w him last night.

I must have had fever last night. I remembered feeling really cold. And i have been dreaming for some time. Weird dream but you weren't in it. But parts of the dream reminded me of you - lucheon meat and hotdogs. I have actually stopped eating hotdogs or luncheon meat... These are the two things that reminded me the most of you. These are things that I'd love eating w you every weekend but at the same time hoping that you will eat them lesser each day to avoid processed food..

I hate watching the dusk. From the day time becoming night. I hated it cos it was somehow lonely. And empty. I am still scared of the dark. I hate watching the rain alone. Cos it feels too sad to watch the rain alone. But I love the smell of the rain and the freshness it brings after that. The rain makes my hair smells nicer. All these two are happening now. And I don't want to cry. My eyes are painful. I am very empty and scared now. The sky is getting dark.

Why? Why did it turn out to be this way, God? Why is it that I could not return his love? I would very much loved to love him back. Love him harder and harder each day. But why god? He's my pillar of support in everything. Yet why? Why do i not feel secure?

Your back must be damn painful last night. You must be damn painful last night.

If its going to be this painful, Make sure it will be smtg good for the both of us in the end.

Help.

Help.

Help.
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Help.

My sky ~

My sky. Reach High. Fly high. 

The more I talk to ppl. I absorb and learn more. Each of them has their own life stories to tell and experiences to share and at the same time by talking to them, it will somewhat gives me my value of existence and I am able to be reminded again by my own life principles and teachings. As the years went by, without me realizing, I have been thru so so much...

1. The world is always changing and moving. If you choose to remain there, you will get stuck and remain at the same spot for the rest of your lives. Thats why, I will not be too lazed at one spot and continuously searching for improvement within myself. I shall aim to continuously upgrade myself so that I won't fear of any changes with the Society and World I am in. 

2. Cultivate good habits for myself. Remain Positive and Focused. Never procrastinate. 

3. Don't give a damn about ppl. I will give hell lot of effort to find out what are my aims and objectives but i don't give hell damn about what ppl thinks of my objectives. 

4. Be Bold and Never afraid of things that I don't understand. 

5. I will be kinder to myself. Cos no one is gonna be kind to me. This is the world that we are currently living in. Sad fact. 

6. Be a better someone than yesterday. 

7. Doubt Myself Lesser.