My return to hometown

Hmm this trip home didn't meant much for me.. The birthday celebration was a disaster. I not used to be a mc or entertainer in front of so many ppl. Sucky I think. Total of almost 200 ppl. But dead tired. My house was filled with ppl and I had to walk alot, carrying stuff and have to walk from my hse to my grandma's hse. But I did have a lot of good food! ;D

Hmmm I did think about my grandma and my dad too. Where they used to be able to participate in these events too.  I Did helped mum massage her leg. Omg. Swollen shit. Both legs.She never massage ever since she fell that day at my sg house :(( haiz

But then. These times are good times for me to think and figure out. What do I want? Where do I want to be? Where do I want to go? What will happen after my graduation? No one knows.

Or mayb I am just getting lazy. Or too afraid to get out of my comfort zone.

Damn boring at home. Somehow. I wanna go swim. I wanna go watch movie too. Holidays ending. School starting soon :(

Why

50 things about me ! :)

1. I like my name alot. ( It reminds me of my parents when they name me :)  )

2. I drink at least 2L of water per day. I can survive without food but not water.

3. I love nightwalks. Although i am afraid of the dark.

4. I dont really like make ups.

5. I like to jog and swim. ( But i like the waters more. Till i found my enjoyment back  :) )

6. I seldom sleep alone. Almost never. Only once.

7. I have no favourite color.

8. I am a very easy going ppl.

9. I seldom say No.

10. I do not have a good childhood.

11. I love to smile and laugh so as to make someone's day..

12. I can be a very emo person. ( and I hate that to the max!!! )

13. I am easily touched. But i touched other ppl's heart more.

14. I like to talk and make ppl talk too.

15. I like to look up alot. Be it the clouds, winds, greens. stars and moon. I love them all :)

16. I dont really like seafoods. No prawns.

17. I love to eat jap foods! :D

18. I love ferrero rochers. They have special meanings to me.

19. I love grass jelly too. I wont sick of it even if i eat them everyday.

20. I dont like judging or commenting on someone. They are who they are.

21. 21 is my changing year. Of my life.

22. I still do not know what i want in my life.

23. I like the smell of the coffee or baking in the morning.

24. I like to teach. That's probably what i wanna do in future :)

25. I have worked as a waitress at Regent Hotel.

26. I know how to operate a dialysis machine.

27. I am a class monitor for three years since Sec 3.

28. I love my sec sch Maths teacher. She inspired me to be one :)

29. I have few friends that really know me.

30. My first job is an IT job in sch. I have meet alot of great ppls :)

31. I do not like to waste time. Or do nothing most of my day.

32. I do not like to zzz till too late.

33. I was always locked up (Is this a proper word?) at home till I am out in Sg.

34. I have been wearing spectacles since i am like 6 years old.

35. I have never been to any kindergarten.

36. I have alot of mothers . My real one. And all my aunties. I owe my life to them :)

37. I do not really wear a skirt till i am 20 ( besides my sch uniform ).

38. My best achievement in life, is that i went through A levels.

39. I do not like to be informed later.

40. I do not like half-ended conversation. Not without proper goodbyes or good nights ( I will worry somehow)

41. I like to help people massage :)

42. I dont believe in best friends in the opposite genders.

43. I like to eat watermelons and honeydews :D

44. I love my siblings and MY MUM!! :)

45. I am waiting for someone :)

46. I have only used black pens since sec sch.

47. I love to read books.

48. I love musics but not too Rock ><

49. I like to snap my fingers when i open a door except for those push or pull ones. A little habit of mine. LOL.. Since small, i practice open sesame*

50. I drink water the first thing when i felt angry. If you guys did realize.

Year 2013 ... :/

Hmmm... Time flies. Seriously too fast. I felt as if a hell lot happened this year. Itp. My first exposure to what i would really be doing in future in the industry. And i dont like it :(

I still do not know what i really want to do. And i have not much time to think !! I am graduating soon and my student pass gonna expire !! God!! Why am i always so directionless?? In life and in my real life too !! :(

Although there're alot of badness in the year 2012, there's alot of goodness in it too. I met with alot of people and alot of wonderful memories have been made. Alot of interesting movie screenings for the day i die :) Nothing's perfect. I accepted that fact long ago. I do hope the year 2013 will b a good one for me, my family and friends as well ! For the year 2013, I hope i will know the ending from the path that might led me to :) I hope i would be either studying or working happily. I hope i will find a start off point in my life. To success. Or to enrich my life more. I hope i can save alot more $$$!! My account has not been increasing up lately T.T Had been pampering myself too much !! Plus it's a December month!! Means "presents" month!! D:

Anyway, I did enjoyed it very much. This holiday. Felt the best for me :) I worked much lesser. I spent alot of time with friends. Compared to money, I find time more valuable. Cos with time, memories can be made. To me, memories and moments are the most valuable thing. So i rather sacrifice money in exchange for all of that :)   

May 2013 be a GOOD year for me and for all the people that i held dear !! Let's have a good kick start!!! So that, may it start and ends well !! :) 

Goodbye 2012 and hello 2013 in 6 days !! 

I am really very tired....

My stiff neck.. and my shoulders all pulling me down. My tired eyes and seaweed body.. I guess I overdid it lately... So many things in hand. So many things in mind. So fucked up...

Times flies. Too fast. My last MST. My FYP. And work. Then health comes in. How come I need to go see so many doctors? So many parts of my body???!
Especially when things didn't go much the way you wanted them to be. When u received too much negative answers.  Mensus is it u?? D:

Mum's coming... I really need it just so much. I crave for mama's love. Later I cry in front of her again >.< it is just that u feel sad when she comes and she just had to leave. Sometimes u ask, can u freeze the moment? Yes. At times I even held my breath. To imitate frozen best moments in my life :)

Should I go near my bed? I am very tired. I hate to say it. But yes. I think I am.. but I have a lot to study and understand. Need to do more before mum comes :(

Thoughts

There is no point thinking about it when you hadnt really got to confirm it. 

But somehow, when u asked yourself if you are ready. I asked myself this morning. 

I finally understand the fear. Hmmmm... When can i really have alot of ice creams? :(

Keep trying !!!

Keep trying !!!!! 

Don't give in !! Don't give up!!!

I am who i am.. lol ~

Since young, my mum doesnt need to worry much about her children. Each of us knew the importance of study. And the only thing she would worry about is us working too hard. Burning too much midnight oil. Sleeping too late at night. She doesnt ever need to come in and tell us : Please go study... LOL

I dont think i have ever heard her telling me this in my life. I missed my mum and dad so much. Missed the days where i need to wake up at 5 plus in the morning daily to make her breakfast and do all the chores that she has passed on to us while we were only ten. After my sister and I finished all the chores and making breakfast, we would take turns to go and wake her up. 

It was always hard for me to wake up someone who is sleeping so soundly. If can, i would want them to sleep much longer. Deep inside, i would always be sorry to wake someone up from their sleep :) 

Then, she would be out from her bed, and went for her bath. My sister and I would rest on the kitchen table. Sometimes, we would even fall asleep at the staircase due to the tiredness. After breakfast, we set off to sch and reached ard 7.15am.

At times, when my father forgot to wake up to do his dialysis in the middle of the night, I will either study till late at night to wait the timing for his next dialysis treatment (usually ard 2am or 3am) or sleep with my specs so that i dont deep sleep .  

If can, i dont mind exchanging some good nights of sleeps for him. I don't mind spending my life taking care of someone dear to me. To me, it is a blessing. I dont see it as a suffering :)

That's why i say. I was much much stronger in the past. Not as physically strong lol.. I was really much fitter in the past. Haha That's why i dont like to complain. Not being weak or so. But how can u complain so easily when you have someone bearing much more pain and discomfort than you? 

These are some fragments of my life. Which made me who am i today!! I am just Shanwen :) Do not compare me with others cos there is only one ME. I dislike it. Be it stress level. Be it anything at all. That is why i seldom talk bad about ppl too. Cos they are also who they are. Good or bad. This is how they bring themselves. But, one thing sure is always do good to ppl ! :)  

After the day that i broke down, i realized i  really do need to learn how to prioritize. You did make me think. Thank you for that day really :) I am really glad that you came back so many times. I was relieved when i see you came back with tissue paper after what i have said that made you went away. Hmmm thank u :) 

I used to see my studies, my work, my own life and health , friends and r/s as equally important. I dont like  to let any one of them down. At times, i think when all these comes at me, it choke me up instead. And it appears to be true. I was choked upon myself. I broke myself down each time :(

So, the same very question : What is it that you really want? What you really want isnt so hard to fight for :)

As for now. I will go for my studies as my top priority. Next would be my health and work. Then family, friends and r/s  :) 

Slowly learn. Make effort and enjoy the short life we have now. Treasuring and cling to every minutes and seconds. To be with the people you hold dear. Creating moments and memories with them. Giving and receiving good feelings from them. Be truthful to yourself and others. Take breaks and always remember to look around the beautiful things around you. It is very easy de!! Just look up always :) 

Time to continue my report T.T