I miss you . . .

I miss the days where . . . .

i need no reasons to smile or laugh.

i can eat as much as i want without feeling the tiniest feel of guilt.

i can talk as loud as i want. As rough as i can.

i can be calmest of all. The coolest of all.

i can find a place to rest easily.

i need no blog to say just what i want to say.

Detach and move away.

FUCK

I thought that i could at least wait . . at least to make my 100th post a happy one. FUCK IT !

Things are just piling up . . .reports. . presentations. .
And it's INGRAINED . . I'm always being taken advantage of . . it'll always be. . be it PAST or present. FUCK !
I don't think that's my problem you know?
Then, what about me?
I've done so much . . . what shit do i get in return ?!

And when i try to say no. . to say it more then necessary . . I fail myself !
I feel so damn guilty inside. And I'm really pissed. . Pissed with myself for being SUCH A FOOL.
There's no reason for me to feel so uncomfortable. SO agitated.
Why about yourself?! What about your own feelings?
DO you really think that you are an ANGEL?? a BUDDHA ?? FUCK !

Just what is this? You want to use labtop, I DUN HAVE TO USE ?
I call you about the reports, YOU THINK I REALLY WANT TO CALL YOU?
I didn't say i'm free, YOU ASSUME I AM?
I didn't say okay at all . . YOU THINK I'M FINE !
and when i say okay, YOU THINK IT REALLY IS? FUCK !!


What can i do ? I'm so fake . . really disgusting. .

Why did the hell i go out proud and happy telling all my friends how grateful i am to have met you. GREAT. I take the shit up myself and even scrub myself with it.

And you! Don't keep asking me to go out, I'll kill when my limits are off. When i can't fake anymore. Please.

all i can do is scream here. I've lost it. My calmness. My gentleness .

See? I might up with 100 FUCKS . Instead of all the happy stuffs. And i gotta go DIE now for all the assignments.

FUCK YOU, really . . . . .

please come back :(

Why did you all take advantage of my naive-ness?

"Feel" from what you feel . . .

I realised it only yesterday . . the moment i woke up from the deja vu feeling ~

In my so called " nightmares" , I am always the one who is chasing over someone. That person seems unreachable. No matter how fast i run or how far i reach out. I am scared in those dreams. The darkness seems to be swallowing me as a whole. I don't know why.

But each time i encounter "nightmares" , i got used to it.

Humans dream and yet nobody can explain why ^^


I just finished reading " Five people you meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. And it made me flow with unexplainable emotions. Emotions stir easily within me, i admit that. And that make me what i am. I am Shanwen ^^

Life is about all the unpredictables. Life owes no one.
It is a about sacrifices. When you lost something, you gain something in return.
When you feel that life is unfair, there is fairness elsewhere. It is repaid to someone else.
It is just not your turn yet. Others need it more than you.

Life can end but love will never. Love takes many shapes. You just fail to notice them. Listen and feel. It is not what you see or hear, but always what you feel.

Try to say " I forgive you , dad. . mum . ." and i forgive myself for all the bad things that i have done. You'll feel lighter. Remember life owes no one. Not even explainations.

Smile more. It is never too late to realize. Never. And time is never wasted on anything.
The only time that we have wasted is to think that we are alone :)

These are what i have learnt and i wish to share with you ^^

Everything is interconnected. There are may stories outside. But all come from one ~

..........................................................

School is starting next week. And i look forward to what awaits me -
Take care everyone ^^

i'm always here

A little update :D

Just reached Singapore 4 in the morning. ^^

It was fun. Driving turned out to be better than i had expected. LOL
Much better than motorcycle at least. My sister and i thought of giving it up after our first 2 hours of lessons. It was disasterous. It made me wonder the reason why i take it up in the place.
Did i really yearn to end my life so much? :D

The worst part is . . . No matter how hard is it . the word "give up" is just not in our dictionary. LOL
We both tried to but somehow. . *sighs
I think we'll manage somehow. It just takes time ^^
Once we take up something, we'll go to the end of it. Anything. At all.

I managed to eat loads of good food back in Ipoh. Managed to spend quality time with dad and mum. I feel happy when we're having dinner together.

Thanks for the great change from you, dad.
Compared to last year, you let me witnessed the scene that you beat mum.
The scene where you could just bring up your fist so easily against mum.
Mum, too. You showed concern when you said you don't care anymore. LOL
You managed to capture dad's change of expressions.

I miss going back to school. Hmm. . As for now, i still have 4 reports in hand. One presentation.
Looking forward to how well i will be doing for this time. I mean it XD
Really, i want to carve a path out for myself here, in SP.

I still dont know where i will going or what i will be doing , but i'm sure time spent here will not make me regret. I thank you and Andy really much. To make me see life this way again. I made it sound so serious, but I am.

I am writting so much rubbish again. LOL
TAKE CARE EVERYONE ^^

HELP ME OUT

please

Torment

Why all these again?

When i thought things are so much better now?

Is the needle used are sharp Not enough?

Sew too fast?

Or Pain received

No longer be felt?

Unheard voices are drowning up.

I shouted help IN VAIN.

So loud and clear

Not heard yet.

I wonder. How?

I swear Not to let

You see me like this. Never.

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

Thy sins are eternal and i pray not for the dead.

God, please grant me this little wish.

Hey ~

" Don't you feel tired making everyone happy everyday ? Won't you feel like having somone just to sit beside you or to make you smile in return? Won't you feel too cold sometimes ?
Won't you feel like just leaning on somone's shoulder? "

SW