Tore down, my wall . . .

Okay. . This is the only place that i can express. .so i really don't care or mind what people would say about me if they happen to read this. But i think i'll die in an instant when my family sees this. LOL

I don't know what about me that attracts you. A boy asked me to be his gf just after knowing me for 4 days? We're classmates. We talked alot before he asked me. I got to know that he always get rejected by girls. Then at first, i took pity on him and agreed to try out with him.I'm his first GF. I didn't open myself up to him. I thought he would grow tired of me that way.

However, what he had done in this few days. And what he had told me today. Managed to touch the deepest depth of my heart. I thought you won't see thru my lies. I never thought that you didnt treat them as jokes. He actually asked for more time for his studies and room of improvements for himself . When i thought you were just a guy - a normal one that certainly don't see studies as priority. But when he told me that he can't focus on his things and i don't know which part of me made him that i'm the "best" among the "best" in girls. .He told me that he was afraid too. Afraid of losing control over himself. Afraid of losing me in future.I didn't know that he would actually put in so much efforts. And when he told me all this. . . I was actually happy. At least he is not afraid of hurting me .As in he wanted to become friends now. It was just that it sounded the same as what she told me when she wanted to break up with me :)

I brokedown and had actually hid myself somewhere during lunch time. It wasn't his fault at all and yet he is damn guilty over it. I didn't know he is this serious in our relatinship. Halo, we just started for less than a week. But he is already saying about our future. Saying that he wanted to become a capable man for me. So he needs time. I am okay with it and i said i'll try to distance myself from him in school. Then both of us realised that we are almost in the same group for every projects till we graduate ==

Yea. I guessed i played with too much fire.And the flame had burnt my wall down. So, i really pray and hope hard to GOD. Please let this one be the right one.

i was touched
when you actually move me away from the sunlights
when you hold my hand and ask me to wait for you
when you didn't ask about my past
when you always find the safest place for me to stand
when you wipe the bird shit landed on my hand using your shirt
when you're there although i'm always pushing you away

. . . . .

It was a firm grip.

I thought of leaving myself a path so that i could find my way out later. But what if i can't find it anymore?

Everything will just be fine . . .

Yea. . I actually got muscles sore after just a quick jog with my sister yesterday. . Around 4 km, i guess. . I can afford more in the past. But the feeling afterwards was great. When you feel each steps of yours moving forward, it was as if YOU CAN DO IT. I felt much better afterwards. Really. I trapped myself inside the house for too long in the past three months.

If i fill in my emotions, would i get the same results again?
Do you really can do it for me?
I'm still scared. But i decided to open up a little to you. To be fair to you.
Since i really appreciate that you didn't ask about my past.
You managed to make me to feel again. I'm grateful. Really.

Is being happy a sin? I don't know. But i felt this way. I'm scared to be happy.
But if it is, i'll really have you to bear all of them for me.

I'll move on, okay? Is it okay? And i'm really leaving you behind this time.
I'll still be there for you. Whenever you feel alone or anything, feel free to find me. You still have me.
Cos you're still there. In that little corner :)
I'll end it nicely. .

I love you very much. And i really did.

If i can still find back my reasons why these tears still flows. . .
Is the bond really too strong for me to bear?
If you want me to be honest,
if i can tear my facade down,
You know . . . . i still

longed for you

Longings . . .

I longed for the day where i can just be my old self.
I longed for the day where i don't have to force food down to my throat.
I longed for the day where i can find back all my reasons for my existence.
I longed and i longed . . .

For the day where everything just ends and i can rest there peacefully.

Don't worry.Everything is fine. Everything's great.
Cos when you can do it, why can't i ?
I guess my facade is too perfect. . .
Till you are blind to know. Or to realize those weren't jokes at all.

Deep down i know it still bleeds

cos i don't even want them to recover :)

And i'm fine with it

I miss you

Anything. Just get me out of here.

God, i did tell you right.

I am really really very tired. How many more times you need me to repeat?
My helpful doesn't mean anything. I am born this way.

I'll be the bad guy and i'll teach you. Make sure you learn.

God, you never help me

I don't think there's even once you did

It was a wednesday too . .

You know what is a heart? :)

It is something that is broken. But it's still working.

I'm scared and i'm really actually extremely tired .

happy anniversary

Receive them the tears from me to you this day.