I've been pretty down. Really down. Tears just flow too easily sometimes. Don't really like it.
Cos nothing will get any better after you cry. Cos you'll only get tired. Eyes will only burn out. The pain and stitches that you feel each time can't be erased even after you cried. I love to learn. But why must it be in a hard way? i am looking forward how things will get better soon. How i can smile more. How to make crying less painful. How that i don't have to hold back my tears when i talk to those who are dear to me. How i will feel like eating again. How i can sleep without getting any nightmares or waking up in middle of nights anymore.

Will get my Undang tomorrow. If i can pass, i can even get my L license within this week for both car and motorcycle. It's fast, huh? Cos huiwen doesn't want to come back here for long.I think i am bad at handling machines since i am always absent minded. So, scared of hurting someone. Haha. . Or mayb at this stage, Die then Die. Haha. . must warn the instructor beside me first. .I've nothing to lose now. Really.

Sorry, ah mi :)

Stitches. . .

It depends on how much or how big the wound. It takes time to recover.
The needle will pierce through you in and out, sewing the wound back.
It hurts. It bleeds. But it is sewing them back nicely.
Just that when you exert too much pressure, or when the needle just sew a little bit faster
the way you want it,
all the stitches are torn apart again.

The good thing is. . . . you're getting used to the pain each stitches made each time :)

Confessions. . .

Ah. . . I stayed awake from 4 till 7am last two nights after watching 6th Sense. It was not a scary ghost movie and in fact it's a nice one. But even the least scariest ghost movie will make me wake up in the middle of the nights. Wake up where I'll find myself imagining stuff and feeling very scared. I'll keep forcing myself to get back to sleep. I don't know. But it's abit embarrassing to admit so many things here. But no one will know. Not even my sister. Unless she reads my posts. Haha.

I grow cold easily. I often find myself snuggle to the nearest person beside me. When i open my eyes, saw that i've taken up a lot of spaces of the bed, when i moved back to my place, it seems i will accidentally make the person beside me uncomfortable and i'll whisper them sorry. Even to my mum. I'll sleep with her again when i go back. Haha. My mum sometimes will wake up and asked me " are you cold? " cos i think i woke her up by sleeping too close to her.

Even though i'm turning 20 this year, i will still gently hold onto the some parts of the clothes of someone sleeping beside me. I held my aunt's. I held my popo's. I help my sis's. And i held yours. I don't know why. But i feel better this way. Maybe this is some kind of childhood problem? I don't like it when i find no one beside me the moment i wake up. When i was a child, i often wake up to find my mum missing, leaving my sister and I in the house. Cos when mum's here, it means less beatings from dad. Even that i understand that she had to go to work. Just that that feeling is really not a good one. A reason that i won't leave anyone behind me. I will give best in waiting for them, doing everything for them.

Don't know why i'm sharing this here.

Maybe it's because i'm still saying " when i'm grown up, i'll . . . " and my friends and my family members will replied " you are not a child now, right? "

If it is, why did i ever feel like one?

i think i miss my popo slightly too much today. Or rather Myself.

How would i know that i would straightly be employed for my first job interview? Working as a part time waitress from 5 pm till 10pm. . . One hour six bucks. . Haiz. . It would seem funny. Why do i go for the interview in the first place when i don't have the mood to work? I would really prefer it to be morning or afternoon. I just want to ward off my mind during the day time. And to start work next week? I'm just making things worse. Dammit. And if i am to turn it down, how things would go after this?



I know i'll be rejected by the local universities. To go poly and waste three years? There are posibilities that i will be accepted into the polytechnics. Then go thru another three years to get my degree? I won't get into the course i want with my current results. Business? Psychology? Hotel management? HOW???? Really dying out. . . . . . . . .How would i know that i'm this useless? Sorry, bro. . . How would i know i would get such results when i can get only As and Bs back in Msia?

It's really turning me off to study. No matter how hard i try, no matter how much effort i put in, it never seems enough. My results showed that i'm not hardworking at all. And it seems i played througout these two years. Singapore is turning me off. And I don't feel like living and depending on my brother here anymore. Is it becoz that i am growing up? Can i say i want to go back to Msia to study? Let me feel like a person again, will you?

And here i am making all these excuses when others are so much more unfortunate than me, trying to cope with living, i am crying here that i am still living. Haiz. . .

It pains me so much to agree with you. The reality is so harsh that i have to agree that pain and hurt is things that will come by if we continue any longer. I'm in Singapore and you're in Msia. Meet three times a year? When things is different, i have to face. And admit. I miss you so much that it pains. I feel really lonely sometimes. You're not having it any better than me too, right?
You should be handling this better than me though.

God, if you give this life to me, make it that i will repay all my sins in the past, so that i would have a better next life. Or make someone else's life better.

I'm back :)

Things were going fine, i guess. Went out with Jasmine and HL yesterday. It was my first time going to sing k with them. Thanks for everything, guys. Thanks for helping me when i don't know how to see the Chinese lyrics. Jasmine has a great voice. I didn't know i can sing like that. Haha. . Thanks to all the experiences that i had with you. Starting to open up , i guess. .i hope. .

Going back to Ipoh soon to learn driving. The theory first. And for Cheng Beng.
News about my acceptance into the places that i have applied will come soon after i have come back from Ipoh. Will see how then. The process of application is making me mad. I have to write an essay for almost all that i have applied just to boast and to sell myself. Don't really like it. But the reality is harsh, right? The society only accepts you if you're worthy enough. And while i'm doing this, I swear that i wouldn't bring anyone to this world to suffer all this.

I'm sorry :)

If we were together ::

How's work,dear? Hope things will get better for you. . .How's sleep? Getting any better? Whatever it is, tell me kay. Let me be by your side. I want to know. Don't wish to see you suffer alone. . . . .

.......................................

It's hard. I know i can't be like this any longer. Somehow, i'm forcing myself now to go for the interview tomorrow. At least do something to distract me enough not to think anymore. As i thought, I'm not good at giving up and letting go. Just don't want to lose control over myself and find you again. Hurt you again. I'm trying hard,really. If it's what you want. I never wanted to leave. God must have a reason for making this happen. And i think i will still want you back for my next life. . next next life. . I'll find you.

What am i talking. T_______T

The End

After reading what annyen posted me. . . . I could finally understand. The seal has been broken.You did it, this time :) I could finally understand what you want now. It's very painful,yes. Understanding the way you see me all this while. And i think there's really no use now.No use explaining for myself or either way. Though i must say I really want to talk with you. Just that it seems like i would always look like the shy and small shanwen to you and you would always look like the-hard-to-talk and hard-to-accept-talk type to me. Like you said, 7 years. The happiest days of my life.

You win. I give up. But i'm really very sorry for what i have done yesterday.I could only recalled what i had done yesterday this morning when i wake up. It's been such a bother eh? To have repeat things for me so many times. Have to hurt so many times to repeat all this. It's been hard to have my friends keep scolding you. .when you only really want to do your own things. I apologize to you sincerely. I won't bug you anymore. Sorry. I don't even know if you could read this now.

Yes, i wake up. I really do, now. I have died twice. I can't avoid the pain that will eat me up eventually. You are the best bf i'll ever had. I never called you that before. But you'll always be.

I can do it. I know i can. I will learn to live for myself. And i will cry for myself. Not you anymore.