Coming to an end ~

My last lap finally.. This is my second time applying to universities... And i dont have good feelings with either of the results that might turn out to be. I will apply all and see how :)  I am eager to learn about my turning point in life. Life is going to be much tough for me if i am able to get in. I am no smart girl. I wont be able to take stress too. Alot of ppl told me about this. And i hate to hear it very much. My emotions and feelings easily readable from my actions and facial expressions.

A friend of mine told me from his life experience that i should learn how to fake a little in front of people. Do not share the problem with the same circle or group of friends. Share it with another group of friends so that you wont get affected much even if trust was neglected. Assumptions being made too much. I cared too much. I acted too real and helpful. People will take me for granted.." You do not know how to protect yourself at all... "

I do not like what he said at all. He lost trust in people. Although it seemed that he has his point. But i didnt want to lose trust in people and my friends. It was hurtful, yes and they didnt even know about it. I have learnt that certain things really just dont breakeven.

My previous weeks was really torturing.. Sucked up all my mental and physical energy. I broke down easily with any slightest provocation. When the term starts, everything comes in a rush. The first week of school was rather depressing already from the backstab incident. Top it off with fyp report, assignments from each of the modules... online quizes, lab tests.. and at the same time, i have to make decisions on two job offers.. Have to weigh alot of things. Not only that, I continued to work. I worked for more than 10 hours at times. A day, I worked like a full timer. I worked for 8 hours. Plus going for classes and lectures on the same day. All these... hmmmm... i wont say much. These are the choices i made :)

I have just ended three tests last week.. And Phew.. I finally able to breathe better just yesterday after my fyp presentation :)

That was the best presentation that i have given so far. Or mayb that the panel of tired lecturers made me felt calm. I wasnt nervous at all for the first time standing in front. I was feeling bad for them for sitting in for all presentations for the whole day. I wasnt given a leading position for quite some time. It was a rather good feeling and i am happy to work with them. My fyp was smooth sailing. I am very lucky comparing with other groups.. Like my mum said, the process is always hard.. Till you're out from your training ground :)

I was much stronger in the past. And learning this. Not to say that i am weak now. But I am going to be much much stronger. I will learn to be as independent as before.

Only a few more weeks left. Only a few papers left to mark the end of my poly life. I am going to miss them so much. So much :)

Coming to an end ~

A soul's Cravings

I dont like the state i am in very much :(

Happiness has always been my base emotion. My concrete one. And that i need that source of energy very much. Happiness grows from within. I cannot expect or depend on anyone else to give me this. This is something i must pulled myself up from. When i emo, i will distant myself from ppl. Limit communications. So that they dont feel it. And that makes things easier for me to save up all the hard explanations cos i dont even know how to explain and how i am going do it.

But then. This is what i came across in a book. In life, you need ten kinds of Love Vitamins.

1. Vitamin G1 - Love and Support from God
2. Vitamin P1 - Love and Support from our parents.
3. Vitamin F - Love and Support from family, friends and having fun.
4. Vitamin P2 - Love and Support from peers and others like us with similar goals.
5. Vitamin S - Love and Support from ourselves.
6. Vitamin R - Love and Support from intimate relationships, partnerships and romance.
7. Vitamin D - Love and Support from someone who is dependent on us.
8. Vitamin C - Love and Support to our communities.
9. Vitamin W - Love and Support back to the world.
10. Vitamin G2 - Serving God.

A rich and fully satisfying life will be fulled by each of these ten kinds of love and support. When you are dissatisfied in life ( no inner success) or you not getting what you want ( no outer success), the base reason is that you not getting what you need. In many cases, your heart might be open, but you are looking at the wrong direction. At other times, you might be looking at the correct direction, but your heart is closed. You cannot absorb the love your soul needs.                                

-  How to Get What you Want  and WAnt what you Have by John Gray

From there, i realized i tried too hard and too dependent on ppl to bring out the happiness in me. And that i made things worst when i started to blame and have expectations when they cannot make me so. That is the worst. I pushed ppl away during these times. Cos it's their kindness and care thought.  Haiz. 

That is why i always said. YOur body has three kind of tired. Body. Mind. Soul. As for me, I think I am tired in and out for my Soul. Otherwise, i find it still ok.

So what is really my soul craving?  :( 

I will make effort to pull myself out !!!! I am tough!! And for this, I must learn!! I will go fix my hair if the color remains too bright even after one week of washing my hair T.T 

I dont really like my hair as before :(  

:(

Finally some peaceful time alone at home. Hmmm

I have lost myself again. I dont like this feeling alot. Not sad. Not happy. Not angry. I dont know what is this feeling. After the backstab incident. They even spread it to lecturers about "what i have done" !! :(

I was very stun when i was first heard of it fom Mr Ho. And i just apologize since i figured that was the best thing to do. I didnt really know what happen and what have i really done to be said till like that. I was rather sad and surprised since i have been always good to the class. And I am very happy that we are all so bonded and it is a fun class. I mean it. It is really FUN to be inside my class. And they are all good people. They always take care of me. :)


I seriously still dont know what i have really done. But with all means. If i really did it, if i really unintentionally stated names or so, I really meant my apology!!! Cos talking behind and talk bad about ppl are very bad things to do!! :(

But when things turned out to be like this. I was really sad because this thing happened to me just before i graduate !!! :(  What's worst? The worst is i trusted Geradine when i vented out all my frustration and all. She lied. Till i don't dare to ask so much form her. So that she wouldn't have to lie so much to cover up. I don't know anymore. I don't even trust myself and people now. My karma. Seriously for hurting and taking people's trust for granted. Especially for someone who has laid so much trust on me. I am really sorry. I didn't know. I am really very sorry. I really mean it :(

Why did i lie in the past? If you ask me now. It all comes naturally. Lies. Fucking lies from me. I feel disgusted at myself when i typed this all out. No more fucking lies. No more cover-ups from me. Because i trust ppl not wanting to be lied too. I hate LIES a lot now. I was shocked when i went back to Ipoh. I found out we are just so much used to lying. And that is really bad. My mum, my brother, my relatives. All lied to one another.I was so sad by it. and I was so disappointed in myself :(

 I dont dare to go near to people that care much about me. I know it is wrong to push away their kind concerns. But i felt as if i do not deserve any good point of any form of comforts at all. I cannot find any good points from myself. Being good is bad. At least that is what i am feeling now.

I am quite affected by all these even these seem to be a very small issue. Cos it links up to other things and how i bring myself with people. I am confused and i don't know already. Being too good seems like a wrong thing to do. But that is me. I am just being myself at whatever. I am a very direct and i will not fake any emotions in front of people. I speak what is inside my mind.

I will learn hard from this. Hard lessons. BUt worth if it could change me for the better. Until i find myself and i really need time to cool things down too. Till i could be normal and found my way back to people. Till i can open up again. I will just reserve and hold myself back.  I should cry lesser and complain lesser too. Cos we are all in this together. What makes other ppl can do it and not me?

I have to learn and grow up. Seriously, grow up and think like an adult, sw.

Things really tough. Tough times. Tough decisions need to be made soon too. Should i take up the job? It was kinda good offer to me since i prefer to deal with people rather than machines and lab.  And somehow, it is related to my course of study. Since i don't really like all the courses in uni. And that i have not much preference also. Why wouldn't i just take up the job offer and do my Adv Dip and get a Master in my own course? And proceed form there onwards. No one will know what will happen in future. Maybe after that i could really learn and grow up in the harsh society?

Or enroll in any courses applicable to me to get a degree. And see how later. And what I really wan to do in future? I wanted to teach. But not primary or secondary schools.

Since i have told someone that i won't emo today. I don't want to spoil today either. And I didn't lie. I am alright  :)

Let's go machine-mode and do my fyp report. And since it's all going to end soon. I will enjoy every single bit of it :)

heY sAraH SarAh ~

When I was just a little girl;

I asked my mother

" What would I be?;

Would I be pretty? Would I rich?"

And this is what she said; 

" Hey Sarah Sarah; 

Whatever will be, will be.

The future is not for us to see."  

Hey Sarah Sarah.  

I want to eat ice cream in a cone !!!!!! D;

My return to hometown

Hmm this trip home didn't meant much for me.. The birthday celebration was a disaster. I not used to be a mc or entertainer in front of so many ppl. Sucky I think. Total of almost 200 ppl. But dead tired. My house was filled with ppl and I had to walk alot, carrying stuff and have to walk from my hse to my grandma's hse. But I did have a lot of good food! ;D

Hmmm I did think about my grandma and my dad too. Where they used to be able to participate in these events too.  I Did helped mum massage her leg. Omg. Swollen shit. Both legs.She never massage ever since she fell that day at my sg house :(( haiz

But then. These times are good times for me to think and figure out. What do I want? Where do I want to be? Where do I want to go? What will happen after my graduation? No one knows.

Or mayb I am just getting lazy. Or too afraid to get out of my comfort zone.

Damn boring at home. Somehow. I wanna go swim. I wanna go watch movie too. Holidays ending. School starting soon :(

Why

50 things about me ! :)

1. I like my name alot. ( It reminds me of my parents when they name me :)  )

2. I drink at least 2L of water per day. I can survive without food but not water.

3. I love nightwalks. Although i am afraid of the dark.

4. I dont really like make ups.

5. I like to jog and swim. ( But i like the waters more. Till i found my enjoyment back  :) )

6. I seldom sleep alone. Almost never. Only once.

7. I have no favourite color.

8. I am a very easy going ppl.

9. I seldom say No.

10. I do not have a good childhood.

11. I love to smile and laugh so as to make someone's day..

12. I can be a very emo person. ( and I hate that to the max!!! )

13. I am easily touched. But i touched other ppl's heart more.

14. I like to talk and make ppl talk too.

15. I like to look up alot. Be it the clouds, winds, greens. stars and moon. I love them all :)

16. I dont really like seafoods. No prawns.

17. I love to eat jap foods! :D

18. I love ferrero rochers. They have special meanings to me.

19. I love grass jelly too. I wont sick of it even if i eat them everyday.

20. I dont like judging or commenting on someone. They are who they are.

21. 21 is my changing year. Of my life.

22. I still do not know what i want in my life.

23. I like the smell of the coffee or baking in the morning.

24. I like to teach. That's probably what i wanna do in future :)

25. I have worked as a waitress at Regent Hotel.

26. I know how to operate a dialysis machine.

27. I am a class monitor for three years since Sec 3.

28. I love my sec sch Maths teacher. She inspired me to be one :)

29. I have few friends that really know me.

30. My first job is an IT job in sch. I have meet alot of great ppls :)

31. I do not like to waste time. Or do nothing most of my day.

32. I do not like to zzz till too late.

33. I was always locked up (Is this a proper word?) at home till I am out in Sg.

34. I have been wearing spectacles since i am like 6 years old.

35. I have never been to any kindergarten.

36. I have alot of mothers . My real one. And all my aunties. I owe my life to them :)

37. I do not really wear a skirt till i am 20 ( besides my sch uniform ).

38. My best achievement in life, is that i went through A levels.

39. I do not like to be informed later.

40. I do not like half-ended conversation. Not without proper goodbyes or good nights ( I will worry somehow)

41. I like to help people massage :)

42. I dont believe in best friends in the opposite genders.

43. I like to eat watermelons and honeydews :D

44. I love my siblings and MY MUM!! :)

45. I am waiting for someone :)

46. I have only used black pens since sec sch.

47. I love to read books.

48. I love musics but not too Rock ><

49. I like to snap my fingers when i open a door except for those push or pull ones. A little habit of mine. LOL.. Since small, i practice open sesame*

50. I drink water the first thing when i felt angry. If you guys did realize.

Year 2013 ... :/

Hmmm... Time flies. Seriously too fast. I felt as if a hell lot happened this year. Itp. My first exposure to what i would really be doing in future in the industry. And i dont like it :(

I still do not know what i really want to do. And i have not much time to think !! I am graduating soon and my student pass gonna expire !! God!! Why am i always so directionless?? In life and in my real life too !! :(

Although there're alot of badness in the year 2012, there's alot of goodness in it too. I met with alot of people and alot of wonderful memories have been made. Alot of interesting movie screenings for the day i die :) Nothing's perfect. I accepted that fact long ago. I do hope the year 2013 will b a good one for me, my family and friends as well ! For the year 2013, I hope i will know the ending from the path that might led me to :) I hope i would be either studying or working happily. I hope i will find a start off point in my life. To success. Or to enrich my life more. I hope i can save alot more $$$!! My account has not been increasing up lately T.T Had been pampering myself too much !! Plus it's a December month!! Means "presents" month!! D:

Anyway, I did enjoyed it very much. This holiday. Felt the best for me :) I worked much lesser. I spent alot of time with friends. Compared to money, I find time more valuable. Cos with time, memories can be made. To me, memories and moments are the most valuable thing. So i rather sacrifice money in exchange for all of that :)   

May 2013 be a GOOD year for me and for all the people that i held dear !! Let's have a good kick start!!! So that, may it start and ends well !! :) 

Goodbye 2012 and hello 2013 in 6 days !!