Dont make me look like a player when i am not one. Hate it.

Why?

Why did it look so much that i leave you because of the other?

Why can I laugh from my heart so much today?

Why can i enjoy my today so much to the extent i feel so sinful?

Why can i not shed a tear?

Why today i feel so touched that no words could express?

Hopeless.

But somehow, your heart tells you so :)

Come as it may,

I embrace it all....

Tomorrow . . . is the day.

I am really going back to Singapore. . . Dad's debt settled to a huge extent. Lucky that i prepared more. Huiwen cried inside the shop. I wanted too. It was rather ridiculous. Absolute stupidity for us to have the concern over this. "We dont need to settle..." That is what huiwen told me when she cried. And as a sister, you have to be firm and all. There are things need to be settled no matter how much you dont want to. When your sister cry, YOU cant. When she is scared, YOU must be STRONG.

I made the decision the instant i stepped inside the bus. It was obvious and yet blurry. I know what i want. Just that i'm not used to ask. I dont ask. In my entire life. Not even Myself. Not even my parents. I dont ask anything from them. And I dont know whether it is a good thing or not when i do it. I am not used to hurt others. If can, i would really swallow up everything. Rewind to a year back, where i got up in the middle of the night to find that i was still breathing. I should have end it again. Back then. To the selfish me. To have not include those who held me dear into the picture. Sorry. I am, really.

I am no machine. I will tired. I will sad. I will hurt. So much wished that i am now. So that i wont have the feeling of not wanting to wake up everyday to face all. ALL over again. Have you ever afraid of getting yourself sufficient rest? I am. Till now.

I am no despo. But i need rest. I WANT TO REST. Can i rest on you? Can i just stopped thinking about everything? Just you?

Grant me the strength, popo. I missed you, greatly.

I'm scared. Very.

Omg. It's gonna to hurt like hell.

I want to live as a butterfly...

I didnt know the day would come again. Whereby i would need to come here anymore. I don't like to blog. But i do love to keep memories. Bad or good ones. These are what built me. But thanks, God. I didnt need it for the past few months :)



Things were so complicated and confusing for me for the past two weeks. And i am really glad that i made a run-away back to Ipoh. I had my "time" to listen. To feel. Separated from both of them that i hold dear. That i would want to make life less painful for them because of me.
Mum had been really understanding. She must be shocked enough after getting to know all these. Sorry mum. I am not strong. I cant smile always for you. I love you, mum :)


I dont like to be seen through. Too insecure. But yet . . . why you . . .? I dont understand. My damn heart yearns for all these understanding and strength I need in life. I'm so darn tired. You have violated my territory and i am losing here. My defense. I dont really know you. And you dont know me, too. But why . . I dont understand. I dont want to understand anymore.


As for you,you dont give me the "feel" or that you choose not to let me to? I need them, boy. I feel comfortable with you and i really cared. I am sorry. I liked you. But you dont seem to understand. You dont know what you want. Learn well, boy. Learn from this. I am going to teach you. It hurts so much. Damn it. I pray hard that you will feel as little pain as you may, i will endure all. My sins. I am not as good as you might think afterall. I am a sinner, what's more there is to say? Hate me. Pray hard that i could bring myself to hurt my dear you.

A butterfly's life that looks so fragile to me. Easily crushed, that's how i like it. Yet so elegantly beautiful and charming. I want it too.

I dont deserve life afterall.

Cos i dont know how ....

Anymore

I miss you . . .

I miss the days where . . . .

i need no reasons to smile or laugh.

i can eat as much as i want without feeling the tiniest feel of guilt.

i can talk as loud as i want. As rough as i can.

i can be calmest of all. The coolest of all.

i can find a place to rest easily.

i need no blog to say just what i want to say.

Detach and move away.

FUCK

I thought that i could at least wait . . at least to make my 100th post a happy one. FUCK IT !

Things are just piling up . . .reports. . presentations. .
And it's INGRAINED . . I'm always being taken advantage of . . it'll always be. . be it PAST or present. FUCK !
I don't think that's my problem you know?
Then, what about me?
I've done so much . . . what shit do i get in return ?!

And when i try to say no. . to say it more then necessary . . I fail myself !
I feel so damn guilty inside. And I'm really pissed. . Pissed with myself for being SUCH A FOOL.
There's no reason for me to feel so uncomfortable. SO agitated.
Why about yourself?! What about your own feelings?
DO you really think that you are an ANGEL?? a BUDDHA ?? FUCK !

Just what is this? You want to use labtop, I DUN HAVE TO USE ?
I call you about the reports, YOU THINK I REALLY WANT TO CALL YOU?
I didn't say i'm free, YOU ASSUME I AM?
I didn't say okay at all . . YOU THINK I'M FINE !
and when i say okay, YOU THINK IT REALLY IS? FUCK !!


What can i do ? I'm so fake . . really disgusting. .

Why did the hell i go out proud and happy telling all my friends how grateful i am to have met you. GREAT. I take the shit up myself and even scrub myself with it.

And you! Don't keep asking me to go out, I'll kill when my limits are off. When i can't fake anymore. Please.

all i can do is scream here. I've lost it. My calmness. My gentleness .

See? I might up with 100 FUCKS . Instead of all the happy stuffs. And i gotta go DIE now for all the assignments.

FUCK YOU, really . . . . .

please come back :(