Just what am i going to do now? As i thought, i really can't bear the future without you.
I don't feel like studying at all. Just want to waste off my life like that.
What's the point putting in so much effort and in the end, it's like this?
I know my brother is very worried about us. He just doesn't reveal it. It's just the end of the world for me. I just know it.

If Singapore doesn't want me, can i come to you,dear?

without you, i'm just. . . .

Self Elements: Metal, Strong
Favorable Elements: Water (1), Fire (2), Earth (2)
Unfavorable Elements: Metal
Secret Friend: Sheep, water or Earth Self element

Personality:
· Lack of creativity and imagination. (Lack of wood)
· Home personality. Rather obtuse or naïve. (only 1 fire)
· Less grounded, rash and unreliable. Not careful. (No Earth)
· Secretive and shy. Cautious in business and reserved socially. Waffle along and lose sight of opportunities. (No water)
· Hard rather than tough. Unbending rather than stubborn. Ruled by belief system and principles that have been ingrained into you since childhood. Tend to reject change or compromise. Difficult to deal with. (Strong Yang metal)
· Tend to be the type that is able to achieve their goals through hard work and efforts. Altruistic and value friendship and brotherhood and are usually strong leaders or strong characters. Lack of flexible thinking and hasty in actions. (Strong Yang metal)

......................................................................

It's just something that my brother has calculated for me. For me to choose the correct course. It looked very acccurate for me. I won't get married. I'm just glad. Haha.

I'm too strong of yang for a girl. No yin at all. I wonder whether this is the reason why i hate boys so much. I'm a boy inside. A strong one summo. I'm a Fire Horse. But my element is Metal. That's what my brother told me.

Had been staying up late at nights applying for universities. But i wonder which will accept such results. My dad kept calling and texting me. I don't dare to pick up cos i scared that i might scream at him. I'm just not in the talking mode. I'm currrently still feeling no better after the break up. So yea, had been complaining here alot. Forgive me. .

Think i'm breaking down. I don't feel like continuing my studies. .All these just changed without giving me some time to prepare for it. Why living can be this painful? What have i done?

I dreamt you dying. That crushed me even more cos i cannot even text you to see if you're ok. But, i think i would want to die after you. So that you won't have to exprience the pain of loss first. So that, you won't feel lonely waiting. You are always lonely no matter how many friends you have. So, i'll always be here, praying and waiting when you need me :)

Which FuCK told you that parents must be the first one to know their DAUGHTER's results. My dad CAlled like A million times. . I'm feeling like shit. What else you want to see? To see how useless we are? To listen to our cries and screams? In the first place, i don't even want to be here. You have the RIGHTS? If you want back the life you've given me, TAKE IT. YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO SUFFER, DO YOU KNOW !

You are not here anymore. . . . That tore me even more apart.

Anh told me love is not one sided. When you miss someone so badly, he or he misses you the same. When you can love someone so deep, that means he or she loves you as deep as well.
I believe her. Just for me to continue to believe one day that you'll come back around. Cos she said i kept on chasing while you're on the run. So, she asked me to stop so that you can have the time to rest enough for me to chase you again. I believe you, Anh. I love talking to you. .At least, you won't keep attacking me with questions that i didn't even know how to answer.

And i didn't know that you had been undergoing the same thing too. You are strong. Strong to not let him know that you're waiting although you are. That's really my everything :) Yours, too right?

I've got a C for my Chemistry. E for General paper, Maths and Physics. And D for Geography. It didn't really affect me though. Just felt bad for my brothers and ah mi who were so worried about me and my sis.My sister's results are much better than mine's. All Cs and Ds. I don't feel anything for now. But i'm happy that i'm able to cry so hard today till i felt like my eyes were bleeding. So that i can sleep easily ( i hope ) without the help of "drinks" tonight.

Thanks, Anh.

I miss you so much, my dear :) I'll always pray that you'll be always be happy and healthy.

You know, i really don't understand. . . Is it only my simplistic thinking that things look only as easy as they seem? Are we really not meant to be with each other? Why? I don't understand. . Why must we end up like this? Is it something really that can't be solved? I'm childish. Naive. Selfish to have complain so much. Why must we let go? Why not choose to face it. . . I don't understand everything.

I know i shouldn't say or probe in any more further. You have your own rights and i have mines. I hate myself to have still hold on. To have made you so pain. I don't know whether it'll heal. But, i don't want anything else. I don't want. Just one word from you. That's all.

Results coming out tomorrow. Let's see how it goes. It doesn't even matter to me anymore.


I'll always be here.

Absence

Title: 缺席
Album: 伦语录
Artist: 黄靖伦


爱 只剩下躯壳
Love left empty shell

为什么还不放手却拉扯
Why not let go but pulled

是我 不甘心还是不舍
Is me who can't accept defeat or can't let go

为何我还在固执的拔河
Why I am still stubborn tug of war

其实我 真的很难
Actually i am really very sad

过只是难过都沦为沉默
Are reduced to silence just sad

可能我 真的不懂得 让你更快乐
Maybe I really do not know how to make you feel happier

我想和你在一起 却在你未来缺席
I really want to have you in your future, but i'm absent in it

给你的爱 那些美丽 已长成藤蔓缠着我的生命
The love and beauty i gave had been vined up in my life

在你的未来缺席
Absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled


如果还有如果
if there is If

就算瞬间老去毫不犹豫
I will not hesitate to even grow old in an instant


爱 是不是都一样 无论多漫长
Love is it not the same? Not matter how long

终究曲终人散
It'll come to an end

可是 我不想因为不敢
But i don't want that i'm scared

却步沮丧然後半途收场
Deterred frustration And then give up halfway

其实我 真的很难过
Actually i am relly very sad

只是难过都沦为沉默
Are reduced to silence just sad

可能我 真的不懂得 让你更快 乐
Maybe i do not really know how to make you feel happier

我想和你在一起 却在你未来缺席
I really want to be with you But I am absent in your future

给你的爱 那些美丽 已长成藤蔓缠着我的生命
The love and beauty that i gave had vined up my life

在你的未来缺席
Being absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled

如果还有如果
if there is If

拥抱你不犹豫
I will not hesitate to embrace you

能不能将你的样子忘掉
Is there a possibility to forget your face

舍不舍得爱 让我控制不了
Love that could or couldn't let go I can't control

只想要 把你拥抱
I just want to embrace you

其实爱上一个人没有解药
There is no antidote in loving someone

我的静脉流着爱陪你到老
I will love you silently till you grow old

原来我 还会微笑
To my amaze, i can still know how to smile

我想和你在一起
I really want to be with you

却在你未来缺席
But i'm absent in your future

在你的未来缺席
Being absent in your future

像是一出剧本 未完待续预留伏笔
It's like a script not being able to continue

把未完成从容继续
The content is not filled

如果还有如果
If there is If

就算瞬间老去毫不犹豫
I wont hesitate to grow old in an instant


I still trust you, you know :)
I still want you. Forever is my promise to you.

Please. I'm not saying all these to you, dear. You should know. I will never hate or blame you for all these. I appreciated it. That you seem better and in less pain now. Glad. So, you are not the sinner.

I just hate it. I HAte myself even more for not accepting what they said to me when they meant for my own good. Even you. I hate it when you asked me to move on so many times when i don't want. . I just don't want to listen anymore. I won't talk anymore. I'll just write here. I shouldn't spoil their day. It pains to talk. You should know. I'll carry all the sins.

Just let me pain. You don't have to repeat so many times for my sake. I want to pain. I want to hold on. And i don't want to move on. So, it's not your fault. Don't ever think that i will scold you like that or talk like that here to you. You should be able to understand me well enough now. I don't even know how to get mad or angry with you although I want to hate you so much so that i can let go to make you feel better.

Whatever it is, I will pain for those who asked me to let go in the past. And when it has happened, i can't help but i'll make them the sinners.

I'm going crazy. JUSt let me be. Thanks and take care always :)

I'm losing my mind. . .

" Do you still mad at me? "
" i don't know "

That was my first nightmare when you requested a three month break back in September. You didn't answer yes or no. But rather you said you're not sure. I was so scared. Really scared when you're not sure. Cos i was so scared so scared that you don't really care anymore. I was so afraid that i might lose you that time. Did i ever tell you?I was only hoping hard that the three months will pass quickly.
That's the ony thing i can do that time besides concentrating on A levels.

I already did. I've lost you this time. I don't know how to handle. Cos in the first place, i don't even have the slighest idea that i should be prepared for this.

How dare you wished that we broke up? And you say that i will be able to handle and will soon be better in a year or two? You think i will be better? You think this is what good for me? You think that she is not good for me? Is that not what i should be judging?

Do you know how hard is it to breathe? Do you know how hard is it to stay living? When i can just act ignorant and gobble down some medicine just to make me sleep forever? I have most of the time at home, alone. When huiwen is out.

Just what is this god? What have i've done to make you so angry? It pains me to death. Don't think that i will get better when i don't want in the first place. So, don't think that you have done good deed by asking me to let go. Now that i have done it, i'll make it sure that it has become your sin. Your sin to have made my life REALLY RUINED now.