I'm unwantd anyway. . i'm abandoned again. In the first place, i don't even know why she had wanted me. I only know how to ask for her care, ask for her happiness. . This should not be something new to me anymore. She has done this to me many times without her realising it.
My brother even approved of us, do you know that?
He's right. Does it make any differences ? It's just the word " break up". You are not there always when i need you. Not there for me to hug. I wanted you to say things when you didn't. Wanted you so mcuh to hold me when you didn't. You can spend money to go to Singapore just for Cosplaying. But not me. Can't you see?
Even if i'm near you, I'm associated with your uneasiness. Yet, you claimed we are too far apart? I'm doing all my best, can't you see? I thought i could lend you my shoulder anytime you want. But you pushed me away. SO, it's just nothing. From now on, i have nothing to lose except myself. I have just lost my reason to smile. That's all. I'm still me.
I'm glad that i am of use anyway. I made her strong huh.
I thought she wouldn't realise it. I knew this day would come. I had realised it many months ago.But i do not intend to wake her up.
She did not explain it well though. What did i do that make you hurt? I'm just asking the basics. Cares. . attention, thoughts.. all those. Why didn't you feel that the pain you have gone through are the pain that i'm went through too? Why does she feel that she is the only one in pain? Why does she feels that i'm the one always hurting her? Why didn't she realise that it was her that made me change? In fact, i just changed to want her much more to myself. And yet i let myself unprotected to allow you to hurt me so much. I allow myself to held high hopes on her.
" What you don't like about it, i will CHANGE ". You told me this in the past. This was a LIE also right? You told me that you would love me till the end of the world. It was another lie. Please use better words.
I would admit that we should have broken up earlier since we had not yet let each other " SEE the REAL " each other yet. I'm not open up to you and you knew that. You are more open up to your "friends" when you claimed that i'm your girlfriend. Don't deny that. You don't even dare to let me hurt.
Don't you dare look down on me. You think i would do what you say? Forget you huh? Maybe the day i die? I would be happy if it's the case. You would be the only one i love in my life. That was also something i have said in the past. It will always be the same. So, take your time. I wouldn't blame if our line of thoughts is different. I don't agree what you say and you don't agree mine's. But i chose to suffer and hurt. I would be there for you till the end of the world. That's my promise and i would DO IT.
I would be the finest girl when you see me the next time. I wouldn't be the one who will be asking you questions anymore. I would then have the real strength to protect you for your whole life. When i'm ready, i will find you again.
So, don't say sorry when i don't hold any grudges against you nor do i feel what you're doing is wrong. You just choose not to suffer anymore. I'm glad you did cos i know i wouldn't have the will to do that on my own. I tried to ask you back then was my selfishness.
I will wait for you.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
In my heart
You don't have to be perfect to belong in this place
You can climb the highest mountain if you want
or quitely imagine that you might someday.
You can take chances or take safety nets, make miracles or make mistakes.
You don't have to be composed at all hours to be strong here.
You don't have to be bold or certain to be brave.
You don't have to have all the answers,
or even know who you want to be . . . .
Just take my hand
And rest your heart
And stay awhile with me.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
First post of the year . . .
Ah. . a year has passed.
My sister went for tkd training. Just feel like blogging for while.
I'm starting up the year by going for a trip to Taiwan. Just me and my sister with only some research data and maps. LOL. Kinda brave of us. That's what i think ^^ Let's see how things go. Let's follow the flow. We're going to some earthquake prone areas. I'm very excited to exprience REAL earthquakes. As a geography student, it should be something to look forward.
I scolded my sister for making a fuss with death. Saying about dying so easily. ( i think she wants to commit suicide there ) . . haiz. . how much more i need to do so that she could change? how much more i need to do so that she'll see life differently and make her life happier?
Don't say of dying so easily. You are the one who taught me. It repeats right?
We are born to suffer. And I don't believe God will make us suffer the UNSUFFERABLE. It's something that we need to endure in this life to repay our pastlife's debt. If we don't suffer enough this present life, it'll be made to much worse in our next life.
That's what i think. So, don't say die so easily. You don't have the privilege to avoid all these. Just suffer them. I believe things will get better. You are the one who taught me to think this way indirectly. So, please. Suffer and endure. Don't think and do stupid stuff. They are rubbish. Remember? You told me that and stopped me from taking medicine.
Nonetheless, let's see if i'll die in an earthquake. LOL. Since i'm in pain also :)
So God, let me die.
Scared
My sister went for tkd training. Just feel like blogging for while.
I'm starting up the year by going for a trip to Taiwan. Just me and my sister with only some research data and maps. LOL. Kinda brave of us. That's what i think ^^ Let's see how things go. Let's follow the flow. We're going to some earthquake prone areas. I'm very excited to exprience REAL earthquakes. As a geography student, it should be something to look forward.
I scolded my sister for making a fuss with death. Saying about dying so easily. ( i think she wants to commit suicide there ) . . haiz. . how much more i need to do so that she could change? how much more i need to do so that she'll see life differently and make her life happier?
Don't say of dying so easily. You are the one who taught me. It repeats right?
We are born to suffer. And I don't believe God will make us suffer the UNSUFFERABLE. It's something that we need to endure in this life to repay our pastlife's debt. If we don't suffer enough this present life, it'll be made to much worse in our next life.
That's what i think. So, don't say die so easily. You don't have the privilege to avoid all these. Just suffer them. I believe things will get better. You are the one who taught me to think this way indirectly. So, please. Suffer and endure. Don't think and do stupid stuff. They are rubbish. Remember? You told me that and stopped me from taking medicine.
Nonetheless, let's see if i'll die in an earthquake. LOL. Since i'm in pain also :)
So God, let me die.
Scared
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
tadaima ~
Ah. . . reached singapore finally ^^ Reached at 7 plus =.=
The bus broke down and i woke up to find myself in the middle of the road. It took nealy 2 hours to move again. Haha
First Stop
Reached Sunway on the 11th Dec and stayed for two weeks at dear's place. Too long didn't see her, i shall say. When i first saw her, i was filled with an unexplainable blissful feeling that she is in my life. I learnt about alot of stuff throughout my stay there. Somehow, knowing things just make my feeling grows. That's all i can say. I really enjoyed myself this time. I mean it whole- heartedly ^^ I had a really good rest after my A levels. That is what i call a REAL holiday. LOL
No lecture notes. No tutorials. I can just lay flat inside the room, reading my book for the whole day. Not bored at all. I came across alot of her friends this time. It's very different from my friends here. They are more playful and open? I can learn alot from their world which is kind of totally different from mine. I'm not saying my life superior than them or what. But i can see things from their vision of life. Different. It's somehow make me more certain of my choices that i can take after getting my results.
Thanks guys for your warm hospitality and concern ^^
I managed to spend some time with my dear. That's what matters most to me. Managed to know her a bit more. Managed to move slightly further into her world. Managed to do what i set out to do there. Thankful. Satisfied.
I sensed it all. I know even before i read your blog. ^^ Sorry for not realising it earlier. I know i come for too long and imposed some disturbance in your life. But that is what i intended. So, you don't have to apologize and take up all the blame. I intend to get hurt and learn how real things go with you since I really reaching all out to you ^^ I'm the one who should say sorry for making you feel this way. I don't know. I'm still not used to expressing all out to you and I'm feeling guilty of saying too much or complaining too much to you. You can feel right? I really wanted you to know how i feel. I'm going to be selfish. So, don't apologize. You can do things the way you want them. But don't push me away. Don't stop me from staying by your side. Don't stop me from caring and worrying for you. I am a bother, I know. But that is how i wanted to love you. LOL
Please understand ^^ Sorry, too. I don't like saying all these things to you. It's going to make you and me think. Thanks for saying all out in your blog. But like what you said, hope things better ^^
Second stop
Reached Ipoh around 4 plus. . Curi curi went and met up with shuyun and yook woon before informing dad to fetch me up. That was Shuyun's idea =.= But i really grateful that i have take this opportunity to meet up with them though it's kinda risky. LOL
I found my old self by being with them. Haha. . laughing and smiling so truely ^^ You would surely be suprised seeing me there. Adding cantonese vulgarities in almost every sentences. Those words just came out from my mouth and even i don't realize myself saying them. My old self. LOL. . . funny. . Thanks guys ^^ Let's meet the same way everytime i come back ! I'll post up some pic that we took soon . . .
Dad was fine. In fact, everyone seems fine afer my grandmother passed away. This is my first time going back to my popo's house without having her there physically. I missed her so much so much. . I sensed her inside. I still dont like the feeling of offering her joss sticks. Haiz. . . .
My mum has gone to taiwan to visit my new-born nephew. It'll be my turn soon. Let's see how things go then. ^^
As usual, i did all the cleanings before i come back here. The floor was ridiculously dusty and the toilets are unexpectedly. . . . . . I don't want to make you feel like i'm living in a ghost house. So, yeah. . . My dad is demanding as always. . .Anyway, parents just don't practise what they have taught us when we are young. LOL
Anyway, let's see how my life goes after this. Take care and all the best to everyone ^^
Merry Christmas and happy 2010 ^^
i'm scared
The bus broke down and i woke up to find myself in the middle of the road. It took nealy 2 hours to move again. Haha
First Stop
Reached Sunway on the 11th Dec and stayed for two weeks at dear's place. Too long didn't see her, i shall say. When i first saw her, i was filled with an unexplainable blissful feeling that she is in my life. I learnt about alot of stuff throughout my stay there. Somehow, knowing things just make my feeling grows. That's all i can say. I really enjoyed myself this time. I mean it whole- heartedly ^^ I had a really good rest after my A levels. That is what i call a REAL holiday. LOL
No lecture notes. No tutorials. I can just lay flat inside the room, reading my book for the whole day. Not bored at all. I came across alot of her friends this time. It's very different from my friends here. They are more playful and open? I can learn alot from their world which is kind of totally different from mine. I'm not saying my life superior than them or what. But i can see things from their vision of life. Different. It's somehow make me more certain of my choices that i can take after getting my results.
Thanks guys for your warm hospitality and concern ^^
I managed to spend some time with my dear. That's what matters most to me. Managed to know her a bit more. Managed to move slightly further into her world. Managed to do what i set out to do there. Thankful. Satisfied.
I sensed it all. I know even before i read your blog. ^^ Sorry for not realising it earlier. I know i come for too long and imposed some disturbance in your life. But that is what i intended. So, you don't have to apologize and take up all the blame. I intend to get hurt and learn how real things go with you since I really reaching all out to you ^^ I'm the one who should say sorry for making you feel this way. I don't know. I'm still not used to expressing all out to you and I'm feeling guilty of saying too much or complaining too much to you. You can feel right? I really wanted you to know how i feel. I'm going to be selfish. So, don't apologize. You can do things the way you want them. But don't push me away. Don't stop me from staying by your side. Don't stop me from caring and worrying for you. I am a bother, I know. But that is how i wanted to love you. LOL
Please understand ^^ Sorry, too. I don't like saying all these things to you. It's going to make you and me think. Thanks for saying all out in your blog. But like what you said, hope things better ^^
Second stop
Reached Ipoh around 4 plus. . Curi curi went and met up with shuyun and yook woon before informing dad to fetch me up. That was Shuyun's idea =.= But i really grateful that i have take this opportunity to meet up with them though it's kinda risky. LOL
I found my old self by being with them. Haha. . laughing and smiling so truely ^^ You would surely be suprised seeing me there. Adding cantonese vulgarities in almost every sentences. Those words just came out from my mouth and even i don't realize myself saying them. My old self. LOL. . . funny. . Thanks guys ^^ Let's meet the same way everytime i come back ! I'll post up some pic that we took soon . . .
Dad was fine. In fact, everyone seems fine afer my grandmother passed away. This is my first time going back to my popo's house without having her there physically. I missed her so much so much. . I sensed her inside. I still dont like the feeling of offering her joss sticks. Haiz. . . .
My mum has gone to taiwan to visit my new-born nephew. It'll be my turn soon. Let's see how things go then. ^^
As usual, i did all the cleanings before i come back here. The floor was ridiculously dusty and the toilets are unexpectedly. . . . . . I don't want to make you feel like i'm living in a ghost house. So, yeah. . . My dad is demanding as always. . .Anyway, parents just don't practise what they have taught us when we are young. LOL
Anyway, let's see how my life goes after this. Take care and all the best to everyone ^^
Merry Christmas and happy 2010 ^^
i'm scared
Sunday, December 27, 2009
So what if I am an IDIOT?
Just what right do you have to have hurt me so much ? Who are you to judge her when I don't even dare to?!
We have barely met for two times, and you claimed that you understand the situation very well.
Don't you think it's a bit funny?
Don't try to change my way of thinking anymore.
I believe in her and myself. I don't choose to let go JUST BECAUSE she has changed.
Although it's not into what I wanted, I won't give up on her.
I believe she has her own reasons for not opening up to you guys and me.
She will tell you when she feel likes sharing.
What's your problem?
How true a friend you are? True friends will be satisfied even though just staying by her side. You don't have to do anything. Don't have to say things about her like that. She had sacrifised so much for you guys, without demanding anything back ! I can see it!
Do you realize how pain she was when she admitted that she is a weak person ? My heart almost split everytime i read her blog.
Can't you feel her pain? She can't even sleep at night ! And can't you see how tired she was?! My heart really ache for her.
And yet, you guys suppose to be her close friends, say something like that about her! It was just my courtesy to listen to all your BULLSHIT silently, faking my smiles. And you DARE to ask me to leave her!
I don't leave someone just because they didn't change into what you want them to be. I love her the way she is and I'm thankful that she is in my life.
Thanks for your concern for me. BUT it's not appreciated. So yeah. . . Don't think that you really understand. And if you happen to mention this again, I don't know what i'll do.
Your facade is filled with loopholes. Do you know that? Painful to see you like this. I TRUST you. I BELIEVE you. So, don't fail me. PLEASE. Don't prove me wrong.
i'll be right here
We have barely met for two times, and you claimed that you understand the situation very well.
Don't you think it's a bit funny?
Don't try to change my way of thinking anymore.
I believe in her and myself. I don't choose to let go JUST BECAUSE she has changed.
Although it's not into what I wanted, I won't give up on her.
I believe she has her own reasons for not opening up to you guys and me.
She will tell you when she feel likes sharing.
What's your problem?
How true a friend you are? True friends will be satisfied even though just staying by her side. You don't have to do anything. Don't have to say things about her like that. She had sacrifised so much for you guys, without demanding anything back ! I can see it!
Do you realize how pain she was when she admitted that she is a weak person ? My heart almost split everytime i read her blog.
Can't you feel her pain? She can't even sleep at night ! And can't you see how tired she was?! My heart really ache for her.
And yet, you guys suppose to be her close friends, say something like that about her! It was just my courtesy to listen to all your BULLSHIT silently, faking my smiles. And you DARE to ask me to leave her!
I don't leave someone just because they didn't change into what you want them to be. I love her the way she is and I'm thankful that she is in my life.
Thanks for your concern for me. BUT it's not appreciated. So yeah. . . Don't think that you really understand. And if you happen to mention this again, I don't know what i'll do.
Your facade is filled with loopholes. Do you know that? Painful to see you like this. I TRUST you. I BELIEVE you. So, don't fail me. PLEASE. Don't prove me wrong.
i'll be right here
Friday, December 4, 2009
A next turning
Just came back from a morning jog ^^ decided to burn off some fat after last night fulfilling steamboat buffet. LOL My brother decided to celebrate a little. YEAH. My sister finally had her last paper yesterday while i had mine's ended on Monday. It feels lighter. My whole body. Everything. I can sleep like more than 5 hours now. I can just lay on my bed or just stay in the living room, watching television or play with my nephew without the slighest feel of guilt. A real good rest. This concludes my college life IF i don't have to repeat it again next day. *pray hard
I had a small outing with my friends here before i went back to malaysia for my popo's funeral. It would be selfsih of me if i didn't go out with them for the last day when all of them were very concern about my conditon after i told them about my popo. Since we didn't had an opportunity to sit down and have a nice chat, I decided to go out. One of them will be going back to Kuching soon. She's going to be engaged next June. CONGRATS, Jasmine ^^ She is the one who always share her lunch with me. And I am always the Paiseh one who always fear to reject her kindness. LOL
Although they are all from different countries, we had no communication problems. they all had helped me thru my worst period. Thank you so much. I think the day we all will meet again will be the day we take our results together. Yea. . D-day ( DOOMS DAY ) T_T
I will miss you guys ^^ Let's take a step forward together.
I don't know if it's okay to smile or laugh now. I miss my mum. I miss my popo. I miss you very much. I know I can. I must. So that I'm able to stand tall in front of my father. So that no one will get hurt again :)
Jasmine and me ^^
me and Anh
And everyone of us . . .
Weather's nice. Cooling. . Life's busy. I understand that. But remember to stop for a minute and look up into the sky. You'll never realise that the sky can be this blue or the night can be occupied by millions of stars . . .
i'll be there
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