When u seldom see that person cry. But when he really did. U would have wished hard he would never need to cry :( But when you can cry means u are one strong man.
I had no regrets loving someone like you.
So all the best my dear. Hope u would get the understanding and answers that you need in life and us. Take care of yourself always and stay you :)
Who would knew it would be this hard? The endless pain tored me inside out.
Especially when it affects your heart, your emotion, your brain and your body.
It felt empty. It felt unusual. It felt as if there isn't anything. Just seem to can't feel anything even hungry, tiredness, the energy...
I have no appetite at all lately. Tears still run down my cheeks occasionally when i feel it. My heart still miss sometimes.
All these i know that somehow, things wouldn't be any different and that i know I had to let it go anyway. I couldn't sleep thinking how true and how unavoidable. How life and reality hits me hard.
And i have to keep telling myself it's just gonna be alright..
I do not know what to do. How to do. But all i know I will just be alright.
It's a fool of me thinking that you would fall for someone like me. You tell me you dont know.It's just that you didn't know. Have you ever ventured back into your past and read back what you have written?
Trust me. I know it how you would feel deeply for that person you held dear once. She was lucky enough to make u fall so deep and feel so hard for her. And I can never hold that position. I can never make you feel that way for me.
In the end. I know that you have never let me in. Maybe not that far. Not that much.
But the silly me did. I fell so hard for you. And so deep till I feel as if I am your past shadow. Holding the ends of it. So pain. So endless. So nausea.
Just while I love you. Dream about you.. I say; you take it all back.. I'm not the one ... You say I'm good and I tell u now that you will find someone better.. Someone much better than me.. It's gone... I don't know how, I don't know why.. You just turned my world upside down.. I used to laugh out loud, but I don't know how to do it now.. I hate, I really, really hate the stupid fate.. I can smile at others with my face.. But I can't smile from the heart.. Cause nothing compares... Nothing compares to YOU!
I just read his blog...and the pain haunts... I do not understand why someone can affect me so deeply. I can cry and laugh in a matter in a matter of seconds. All these while you have been like this, i keep all these words in myself so that i could at least try not to bring you down. Either when you have asked me always if i am being happy with you. You didn't even want to read my blog cos you said you scare it might affect you. It's not about being a good or bad bf. Its about being the right. This answer will always be left unsure.. and time will prove it to me. If i say you're good, then i wouldn't be keep on complaining to you. Like you said, maybe some ppl cannot handle the truth. When you said this, it struck me deep down too. It's like you didn't admit that you are in the wrong in not letting me know beforehand. Not letting me know is much worst. Really much worst when my institution is right. I know it's nothing. But it means something to me. You mean something to me. That's why i care. Can you understand? I asked for your forgiveness for my past actions. But as for this, u just didn't. A word of sorry didn't matter much once things have happened. For the past few days, I have been emotionless. I have been thinking cos i do not want to pressure you. You seems to always be in pressure when being with me. That was always the only thing you say about when being with me. You won't tell me that you're happy or so... That's what i have been thinking. Up till now, I am still so afraid of getting back together with you. It hurts.. It hurts when you are not even able to give me an answer if you have faith or don't have faith in us. I do not understand why. Why is it just so hard lately for the both of us. I erased the tweet in the morning hoping that you wouldn't see. But in the end, you did. I really do not want to pressure you further. It hurts when you deemed all these as pressure. And like you say, its the truth. Can you give me a sweeter truth than this hurtful one? Is there any?? It hurts..I appreciate the effort you make and I am very grateful about it...Then why is it that you are not able to answer me? It's not that i do not understand that you couldn't sleep and have insomnia. It's just i would rather you not to keep your brain cell active over the com or phone. Cos I would like you to rest and recover. Since you didn't sleep for days... As my friend dropped me off at Orchard, I was a little drench from the rain. It was only 1pm. I knew you were working. I only app you ard 2pm for you didnt app me. I waited you for around two hours. Inside Cold Storage. That's how i get my cough. I gave up waiting when my body started to feel heavy and giddy. I would want to accompany you to go and collect the hot spring water for ur mum. At least someone to keep you accompanied. Someone for you to hold on to when you need. Although sometimes i know... my accompany is not needed...
It is just ten more days to sch restarting soon.. SOmehow, a little phobia grew in me. That I am afraid to study things that i do not understand. Haiz. But as time passes, I am proud of myself to be able to come this far :)
Year 2013 passed. This is was better than the last. I did grow up alot too. I made rough decisions on uni studies. Managed to do planning on my financial scheme aka bank loans, loans from uncle.. Plus its not that easy to apply uni and all too. Not with those sudden notice that I got into Ntu or wrong information from those ignorant officers on the phone telling me different thing on my study pass and tuition grant. I was at the verge of working instead of study. I coped all of them hard. Real HARD.
But I am blessed with my family and friends around me and I am really grateful for it.. :)))
I do not have much in my 2014 resolutions.
1. Study better.
2. Save more money.
3. Exercise more.
4. Help myself more before I can help others.
5. Lessen the burden over my shoulders by not keeping them stiff always.
6. Learn to breathe.
7. Cry lesser.
8. Care-free.
9. Love harder.
10. Be stronger. Be better. (in person)
11. Plan ahead after uni (What I want to do?)
12. Plan my early savings ahead. (Business is not my thing.. :( )
13. Call mum and other aunties more often.
