If i embrace you too hard..

i'm afraid that you would break.

If i hold you too loose..

i'm afraid that you would go away from me.

Could you hold me close and never let me go?

tadaima ~

Ah. . . reached singapore finally ^^ Reached at 7 plus =.=
The bus broke down and i woke up to find myself in the middle of the road. It took nealy 2 hours to move again. Haha

First Stop

Reached Sunway on the 11th Dec and stayed for two weeks at dear's place. Too long didn't see her, i shall say. When i first saw her, i was filled with an unexplainable blissful feeling that she is in my life. I learnt about alot of stuff throughout my stay there. Somehow, knowing things just make my feeling grows. That's all i can say. I really enjoyed myself this time. I mean it whole- heartedly ^^ I had a really good rest after my A levels. That is what i call a REAL holiday. LOL
No lecture notes. No tutorials. I can just lay flat inside the room, reading my book for the whole day. Not bored at all. I came across alot of her friends this time. It's very different from my friends here. They are more playful and open? I can learn alot from their world which is kind of totally different from mine. I'm not saying my life superior than them or what. But i can see things from their vision of life. Different. It's somehow make me more certain of my choices that i can take after getting my results.

Thanks guys for your warm hospitality and concern ^^

I managed to spend some time with my dear. That's what matters most to me. Managed to know her a bit more. Managed to move slightly further into her world. Managed to do what i set out to do there. Thankful. Satisfied.

I sensed it all. I know even before i read your blog. ^^ Sorry for not realising it earlier. I know i come for too long and imposed some disturbance in your life. But that is what i intended. So, you don't have to apologize and take up all the blame. I intend to get hurt and learn how real things go with you since I really reaching all out to you ^^ I'm the one who should say sorry for making you feel this way. I don't know. I'm still not used to expressing all out to you and I'm feeling guilty of saying too much or complaining too much to you. You can feel right? I really wanted you to know how i feel. I'm going to be selfish. So, don't apologize. You can do things the way you want them. But don't push me away. Don't stop me from staying by your side. Don't stop me from caring and worrying for you. I am a bother, I know. But that is how i wanted to love you. LOL

Please understand ^^ Sorry, too. I don't like saying all these things to you. It's going to make you and me think. Thanks for saying all out in your blog. But like what you said, hope things better ^^


Second stop

Reached Ipoh around 4 plus. . Curi curi went and met up with shuyun and yook woon before informing dad to fetch me up. That was Shuyun's idea =.= But i really grateful that i have take this opportunity to meet up with them though it's kinda risky. LOL
I found my old self by being with them. Haha. . laughing and smiling so truely ^^ You would surely be suprised seeing me there. Adding cantonese vulgarities in almost every sentences. Those words just came out from my mouth and even i don't realize myself saying them. My old self. LOL. . . funny. . Thanks guys ^^ Let's meet the same way everytime i come back ! I'll post up some pic that we took soon . . .

Dad was fine. In fact, everyone seems fine afer my grandmother passed away. This is my first time going back to my popo's house without having her there physically. I missed her so much so much. . I sensed her inside. I still dont like the feeling of offering her joss sticks. Haiz. . . .
My mum has gone to taiwan to visit my new-born nephew. It'll be my turn soon. Let's see how things go then. ^^

As usual, i did all the cleanings before i come back here. The floor was ridiculously dusty and the toilets are unexpectedly. . . . . . I don't want to make you feel like i'm living in a ghost house. So, yeah. . . My dad is demanding as always. . .Anyway, parents just don't practise what they have taught us when we are young. LOL

Anyway, let's see how my life goes after this. Take care and all the best to everyone ^^
Merry Christmas and happy 2010 ^^

i'm scared

So what if I am an IDIOT?

Just what right do you have to have hurt me so much ? Who are you to judge her when I don't even dare to?!
We have barely met for two times, and you claimed that you understand the situation very well.
Don't you think it's a bit funny?
Don't try to change my way of thinking anymore.
I believe in her and myself. I don't choose to let go JUST BECAUSE she has changed.
Although it's not into what I wanted, I won't give up on her.
I believe she has her own reasons for not opening up to you guys and me.
She will tell you when she feel likes sharing.
What's your problem?
How true a friend you are? True friends will be satisfied even though just staying by her side. You don't have to do anything. Don't have to say things about her like that. She had sacrifised so much for you guys, without demanding anything back ! I can see it!

Do you realize how pain she was when she admitted that she is a weak person ? My heart almost split everytime i read her blog.
Can't you feel her pain? She can't even sleep at night ! And can't you see how tired she was?! My heart really ache for her.
And yet, you guys suppose to be her close friends, say something like that about her! It was just my courtesy to listen to all your BULLSHIT silently, faking my smiles. And you DARE to ask me to leave her!
I don't leave someone just because they didn't change into what you want them to be. I love her the way she is and I'm thankful that she is in my life.
Thanks for your concern for me. BUT it's not appreciated. So yeah. . . Don't think that you really understand. And if you happen to mention this again, I don't know what i'll do.


Your facade is filled with loopholes. Do you know that? Painful to see you like this. I TRUST you. I BELIEVE you. So, don't fail me. PLEASE. Don't prove me wrong.


i'll be right here

A next turning

Just came back from a morning jog ^^ decided to burn off some fat after last night fulfilling steamboat buffet. LOL My brother decided to celebrate a little. YEAH. My sister finally had her last paper yesterday while i had mine's ended on Monday. It feels lighter. My whole body. Everything. I can sleep like more than 5 hours now. I can just lay on my bed or just stay in the living room, watching television or play with my nephew without the slighest feel of guilt. A real good rest. This concludes my college life IF i don't have to repeat it again next day. *pray hard

I had a small outing with my friends here before i went back to malaysia for my popo's funeral. It would be selfsih of me if i didn't go out with them for the last day when all of them were very concern about my conditon after i told them about my popo. Since we didn't had an opportunity to sit down and have a nice chat, I decided to go out. One of them will be going back to Kuching soon. She's going to be engaged next June. CONGRATS, Jasmine ^^ She is the one who always share her lunch with me. And I am always the Paiseh one who always fear to reject her kindness. LOL

Although they are all from different countries, we had no communication problems. they all had helped me thru my worst period. Thank you so much. I think the day we all will meet again will be the day we take our results together. Yea. . D-day ( DOOMS DAY ) T_T

I will miss you guys ^^ Let's take a step forward together.

I don't know if it's okay to smile or laugh now. I miss my mum. I miss my popo. I miss you very much. I know I can. I must. So that I'm able to stand tall in front of my father. So that no one will get hurt again :)

Jasmine and me ^^

me and Anh

And everyone of us . . .

Weather's nice. Cooling. . Life's busy. I understand that. But remember to stop for a minute and look up into the sky. You'll never realise that the sky can be this blue or the night can be occupied by millions of stars . . .





i'll be there

Ah po [ 23.11.2009 ]

"Ah po, dad called just now and scolded us again."

"What he scold? "

" He said us unfilial , . . . . . "

" You have having exam ma. . "

"I come back and see you hou mo? "

" Hou. . after you finish your papers and homeworks. . ."

"Your father is a very useless person. . "

.............................................................................................

That was the last chat i have with my grandmother before she passed away the next day. What i heard from my mum is that she didn't suffer much. She passed away inside the hospital after vomitting blood. Internal bleeding. Just take her 10 minutes.

I'm not there. The thing i felt worse is that i'm not always there to accompany her. Everytime i go back to Ipoh, I will be always be with my father. Just because I don't want to hear hurtful words from him later. Saying the "the main reason I go back is just to see HIM" . It was a great loss. My grandma even have to come all the way here to see me, worsening her condition which made her admitted into the hospital. I don't know. . . . I just want her be less pain. More peaceful. . .

To me, she is someone who i can seek protection. Someone who i can be myself. I can just tear off my mask and cry and laugh with her. I'm always wearing a mask when i'm at home, with my dad. I'm better at faking than my sister.So, my dad said i'm better than my sister. In fact, every one of us did a very good job in faking ( i mean my siblings ) . Whenever my parents argue or said some hurtful words to me, I would always go to my popo's house. She is the only one that can scold my father without my father scolding her back. I feel scared without her. Scared that i can fake it out anymore. Scared that i might burst. Scared that i lose myself when i want to protect my mum, my sister and my brothers. I'm starting not to listen to my dad and other unpleasant words.I'm starting to rebel. I'm very scared but I'll DO MY BEST. I said and i promise it in front of my popo.

Tears started to swell when i saw her lying there, sleeping soundly. She looked tired and i smiled and said I would want to become your grand daughter in my next life. next next life. . .So, see you there. I miss you very much. . It's not good to cry. If not, she won't bear to leave this world to go to a better one. So yeah. . I try my best not to. For her good and mine's. And i wanted to make everyone less pain too. My uncles and my aunties. So, i must be strong. :)

I'm sure she wanted it too. I wondered if she is happy and peace now. My grandma loved flowers and there was alot surrounding her. I thank everyone for being so considearate and helpful in helping out the funeral. Thanks for accompanying my popo.

I asked her before i come back to singapore. I had always wanted to tell her. I wanted to seek permission from her. And i am very sorry that ah po always had to hear those unpleasant words from me.

" Can i be with her? "

The first one was a NO. It was again NO. And I asked for the last time. YES . I was relieved. I'm sorry for turning away from the righteous path. Sorry. Sorry for wanting you to say yes. Sorry. My parents still doesnt know about it. I'm glad that i let popo know. I understand why she said No at first. Sorry, ah po. It is my sin. I know.

Some photos to share. You can find more in my facebook :)

my popo's house :)

ah po :)

Hmm. . . Sorry everyone if i done something that pisses you guys off during this period or if i smile less in the coming days, please forgive me. ^^ Take care and all the best.

Peace

A levels and abit of something of This and That ^^

Weather was rather cooling today. A level is coming to an end. AH. . just two more paper. But honestly, I'm already slacking. Haiz. . .

This year's A levels was rather unpredicted and unexpected. It was way different from the past years papers that i have done. I think i have given my best. That was already my best. It was the same feeling I had before i come to singapore to study. I thought that if i weren't given a place in all the colleges in singapore after doing their admission tests, it means that i'm really not fit to study in singapore and i would continue my studies in Ipoh. It's the same feeling now :)
BUT I do not intend to go back to Ipoh to study this time even if i didn't make it to reach the unreachable. (To me, it seems so)

Another thought is that God won't send me here for nothing.^^ So, i think I CAN. Along these two years here, I have learnt not to give up when things really wanted you to. I only have 5 hours of sleep everynight before this. And i'm proud that i'm able to keep that up for 2 months ^^ study , eat , sleep. . I don't know the definition of tired anymore. I don't even dare to say that word out in these 2 months. I'm really glad these hard times are going to end soon. YEAH !!!

I went out today ^^ Met up with Chris and the others. Orchard is nice. They have started to decorate for christmas. The trees along the road sides have been decorated with alot of pale blue and white lights. Chrismas trees. . Santa claus. . . The night is really scenic. Ah. . just a comfortable day for me. If she was here then, I thought it would be perfect. ^^
After having dinner, we had a stroll along Orchard road. Hope everyone enjoy themselves here.

I will be going Ochard again next week after I finish my Chemistry paper ^^ This time is to have a small gathering with my singapore friends before each of us go in our separate ways . They really helped me alot.. Although we barely knew each other for less than a year, we have gone thru hard times together, supporting each other. We learn from each other. So yeah, hope everyone the best for their future undertakings ^^ Ka yao !

Time to get back to study. Sorry for the long post XD


different frequencies

From me ^^

Things better now. I hope. My grandma was admitted to the hosipital and everything is going bad for her. I was naive. My pain was nothing compared to hers. She can still smile and made a long way here for me to see her. With all the abdominal pains, liver , kidney. . .everything is slowing down for her. I wonder why. Why make someone like her suffer from all this? I haven't exprience this before and I'm kinda afraid to accept it. I haven't lose any of my loved ones before. So, yeah. . Kinda pain. Kinda want to take her place. That's why i think life is really hard. We must have done something very wrong in the past that we were to born as human to suffer. I wonder how she feels in total darkness. Something that i fear so much also. She can't see now. So, i think I shouldn't be afraid of darkness anymore. I want to be as brave as her. Putting a step ahead without knowing what's ahead. I shall have no fear for what comes for me. Not pain. Not sadness. Anymore.

You know, I used to hold up my feelings - that is to surpress my happiness or emotions. So that i won't get too much hurt later. Some way, protecting myself. I know that's abit unfair to everyone cos some of them really put out all of thier effort in to reach out to me. So, I have decided not to bind myself anymore. So, let it come. HAte Love Hurt Disappointment. They are much people who are much more unfortunate than me. Although there are also much more people lucky than me XD

Sorry that i couldn't be there. Not being able to lend you my shoulder. It's okay to be like this. Just express out when you feel the NEED. Just like what I'm doing now although I'm having A levels =.= My feelings for you has grow stronger again. You know? ^^ So , you better be strong.Cos when you feel this way, I feel the ache too. I will be strong for you. So, buck up. I will go to you soon. You know, I'm very happy with you just staying beside me . Even though we are not talking, not doing anything, just staying by your side made me feel secure. Even though sometimes, I feel weird and stupid cos we are staying silent towards each other. In some ways, i feel you more and get comforted in some ways. I hope you can be fine soon. Hope you'll find happiness soon. Everyone also ^^

Updates about A levels will come soon straight after i finish it. Just 5 more papers to go. I don't wish to talk about it here now. Haiz. . . Let's do it. Let's face it and finish it. Stupid A levels.

Take care everyone. ^^ Ka yao !


LNM you ~

Don't read. Please.


Am i given the privilege to say I'm tired?I'm in pain? Can i blame?

I'm . . just don't know anymore.
I know it's still far to go. Actually not that far. . It's just 60 days more. I'm just a coward. I'm not as strong as you. You didn't went around shouting for help. I did. Too much of a pain that can't be contained. Is that so? I'm just useless. Worthless.
Pain

Stress building up these few days. Things seems tougher than they always have been. My relatives are coming down this weekend. But why now? I miss you guys alot. But not now. I can't. Just spare me.

I don't know what happen to me today. And I know i'm spouting ruibbish here. So, please don't read on. I just want to empty out. If not, I won't be able to do my work later. Lacking of sleep makes one lose her composure. You can say that. That's also what i will think of myself today.

Just 12 more days to A level. And I definitely don't want to lose it. I can't. Please.

I don't know it bothers me so much. Stop appearing in my dreams. I wanted to stop asking you Why?' . . coz I don't know that myself.

I want to be stronger. More capable. There are things that i want to protect. Much more than my life. Although i may sound naive, and i might end up being protected, I want to protect you. And i end up hurting you.


take care

To :: you

Thanks for having my questions all answered.
Appearing in front of you now and jump to you the moment you open the door for me is something that seems will get me some rough scoldings from you , huh. . .

That is something i would want to do if that would make me slightly better after me hurting you so much. Sorry for not standing in your shoes. But you know , all this while, i always feel that way. You couldn't give me the assurance. I don't know why. But NOT NOW ANYMORE. I dont feel that way anymore after what you've been trying to tell me.Sorry for casting doubts upon you. I'm really sorry. I mean it. I really do. I have hurt you so much when i am trying so hard not to. That's why i thought i don't really deserve your love. And i thought if you were to say those heartbreaking words to me after these three months you requested, i should be gladly accept it. But you didn't. Instead, you made me feel better.
This distance is playing tricks on me. I'm sure of it. Just how much i wanted to rush to you and crush you in my arm . Thanks for loving me.

Wait for me kay. I will be by your side soon.Just don't push me away or say something like troubling me anymore. Let's both be selfish kay for i also scared that i will give you trouble when i go find you. But that can't be helped right?

See you soon kay. And do find me if you want to order. I won't be free soon.

............................................................................

Ah. . . . weather's nice. .33 more days to go . . let's Bring it up. Get it down . And shut it up ^^
Stupid A levels. . . . I received a big hug from my friends today . Don't know whether you guys reliase it, i don't like to be hugged by just anyone even my parents. An exception for you ^^ Not you guys' fault but my family upbringing makes me feel this way. Weird. LOL. But this isn't the same though. We won't be seeing each other till A levels. Thanks guys for being there for me . I will not forget you.I promise ^^ Friends forever ~

that's all, i guess. .. if there is anything interesting for me to share, or else i guess the next blog entry will be the day before my A level or after =D

Take care everyone. All the best. Gambatte ne !!! All the way to go, Sw ~


Thanks for not making me feel that way anymore. I have always hate myself feeling so.

I'm back

Hmm. . just felt like posting up the song's lyrics in the previous post ^^ the song's nice ^^

I let dark side out and force it back in just yeasterday XD No it's just that it's been some time before i felt that way. And i called it " the dark side" of me coz it is not positive at all. LOL Somehow different. I don't know how to explain. It can't be explain with words ^^

I didn't go to school today ^^ My sister went without me. She's going to some of her malay friend's house for "makan". Hope she enjoys it. A levels is getting nearer. Days just pass too fast. Tomorrow is just another day nearer to A levels. Just one more week of school and i've stopped all my tuitions just yesterday to have more time to prepare myself. I hope it's enough ^^ All the way to go, Sw ! LOL Same for everyone ^^ Days pass fast and another year will be gone. Let's appreciate and make the best memories out of these remaining days ^^ I don't know what will happen to me next year. However, i do hope for the better or much less of it. Not much worse please.

I'm not sure whether I'm stressed or what. But i started to have gastric pains recently. But i ate =.= Not very serious but to endure the pain from morning till evening kinda make me suffer abit. It delays my work. ^^ Be good to me, tummy. No more pain ok ^^

Sorry, Ann yen. I wished her happy birthday one month earlier =.=" I thought it's alredy 30th October. I only realised it when she : " shanwen, are you dreaming? It's next month. " Haha. . I'm the earliest this year to wish her though . LOL

Just happy that I'm back.Gotta start back work ^^ take care everyone . Eat well. Sleep well.Look forward ^^


I'm scared

I will b waiting for you

I 've never felt nothing in the world like this before

Now I'm missing you

and I'm wishing you would come back through my door

Why did you have to go?

You could have let me know

so now I'm all alone

Girl you could have stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance

With you not around it's a little bit more than I can stand

And all my tears they keep runnin' down my face

Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide

Are you that afraid of me?

But I know it's a lie what you keep inside

This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you

Cause I don't know what else I can do

Don't tell me I ran out of time

If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you

If you think I find it just ain't true

I really need you in my life

No matter what I have to do

I'll wait for you

Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)

You gotta be feeling crazy

How can you walk away(When)

Everything stays the same

I just can't do it baby

What will it take to make you come back

Girl I told you what it is and it just ain't like that

No Why can't you look at me?

You're still in love with me

Don't leave me crying

Baby why can't we just start all over again

Get it back to the way it was

If you give me a chance

I can love you right

But you're telling me it won't be enough

So baby I will wait for you

Cause I don't know what else I can do

Don't tell me I ran out of time

If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you

If you think I find it just ain't true

I really need you in my life

No matter what I have to do

I'll wait for you

So why does your pride make you run and hide

Are you that afraid of me?

But I know it's a lie what you're keeping inside

That is not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you

Baby I will wait for you

If it's the last thing I do

Baby I will wait for you

If you think I'm fine it's just ain't true

eI really need you in my life

No matter what I have to do

I'll wait for you


I'll be waiting...

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

Things slightly better i guess. . . I got back into my momentum recently and I'm glad about that. I passed my General Paper ^^ That's something like "Pengajian Am" in Malaysia and if you fail that paper, you have to retain one more year and retake A level next year. That is really the worst exspecially if you did very well for other subjects for A level.

The weather is very soothing today, making one very comfortable for the whole day ^^ It rained the whole morning and the breeze was cool. I wonder if it's the same in Malaysia.

Well, it's gonna be time soon that i will have to close my connections with the world. LOL A level is just in 6 weeks time and Dammit i'm here blogging XD . Just wanted to share some happy things after my previous emo post ^^

I was kinda shock yesterday. Oh well, i didn't scream out ^^ I just stared at the post very long . Huiwen saw it and put one hand onto her mouth and got up from her seat. Haha. . It was nothing actually. but somehow, I felt happy. It has been long since i felt this way. ^^ I'm really very happy.


( some kind of quiz in facebook )

" Sw :: What about your results? "

" KM :: It's the same ^^ "


Somehow, she asked me in a direct and also indirect way . Of course ,she doesn't have to spill out everything for me to understand. I will take that as a promise between you and me ~ a promise for our future. Thank you very much. Really thank you very much. i wonder how she felt after saying all those to me. Embarassed , i guess. I would if i were the one to ask XD. I wonder if she regretted it. You don't have to really carry it out, you know. Just don't want to add this to your problems. I'm just happy that you have the intention. That's already very enough for me. Another thing is it has made me feel that i have a stronger foundation in my life ~ A stronger reason for me to do better in A levels although i don't know why. ^^

I really miss her very much and this damn weather makes it much worse especially when i am alone walking in the streets. Just wanted to let her know how how much i really did. Haha. .

I'm doing all the practices for all the subjects that i need. Everyday, chemistry, geography, maths and physics have all become my daily meals. LOL. Just hope all these really digest in. Ittadakimasu ~ LOL . . I'll stop all my tuitions at the end of this month.I'll keep working hard till A levels. I'll aim for all Bs although that's a bit too high for me to aim. But if you don't dream big, might as well don't dream at all ^^ So, let's be a little naive .

Huiwen fell sick today. . Haiz. . It's has been a long time since she fell ill. LOL . It is really stupid to fall sick now. You can't afford it. But I just can't make her to eat medicine =.= Haiz. . .

Ah. . . I really looking forward in seeing you soon. . but before that, let's work hard. Really hard.

I am not tired. I am not sleepy at all.

Heavy. . .

Well... These few days i really had a wonderful and relaxing time at home. My study pace was slow and i guessed i have rested enough to cover up for what i have lost during my prelims. It has been a long time since i slept for more than 6 hours.That's really nice ^^

However, reality sure is harsh. . . harsh enough to crush my hopes to score better for A levels. Yes, I got back my papers today. I know it'll be saddening but i really put in alot of effort this time. And the questions weren't that hard. I just don't know what to do anymore. And yea. . When you don't know what you're doing, just do it blindly. And i'll blindly continue to work hard. I don't even know what is the purpose of it. Yea. . I also don't know what i'm doing with my life. Just live blindly and that'll be enough, i guess. One thing that has comforted me the most is there's someone who has given me her word in helping me to make choices in future. I don't like to make choices, you see. It's because i don't have any preference in life. That's either a good or bad thing in life. Good is that i'll live a happy life. Bad is people will take advantage of it. Haha. . I don't really care though. But keep your word ok. I do really hope that you're serious about me depending on you to help me make choices in future. I won't regret it and i won't blame you whatever it is. I promised.

I am shocked to be receiving birthday presents today since it's already mid- September. Haha. . I got a cool black pencil case and a booklet from Huiwen's friend. And to my suprise, the librarian aunty got us chocolates and keychains . Thanks really, everyone. I really don't think that i deserve all these. But it does help me to lighten my heavy feeling today ^^

Sorry for this emo post ok. My results are just too sucks. LOL

Take care everyone ^^

Gambatte SW =.=

Look forward. . .

It's good to have something to look forward huh. . .^^At least, your life would be made much easier thinking about the good things in future. I'm looking forward for what's dinner tonite XD

Finally, prelims over. . .I'm really glad and this time i think i really did put much effort in it. Now what awaits me is the results that i would be receiving next week when school reopens. I didn't put much hope though. I know the results will remain the same. Haha.. Just give a pass for every subject ok. And i'll be very grateful. Just don't let me feel that all my efforts are wasted.

I'll continue to work hard though ^^ I'm looking forward when A level ends. . when i finally can say out the word "tired". . "sien". . .out loud everyday. I shall lead a meaningless life for a while then. LOL
Let's work hard everyone. Look forward to good things that will happen soon.

Not much to write . . Huiwen got a big doggie plush toy form her classmates. She looked happy though showing me her doggie although she keep complaining that she doen't like it. It is about the size of my nephew? Or something like that. Haha. . not as good to hug as Ah bao though. Alas, no one will snatch ah bao from me in my middle of sleeeping. Ha !

I miss home very much. . i know it's contradicting for me to say this because at the same time, i'm scared of going back. . Things would not go the way you wanted it you see. Not always. But it's enough to make your life miserable. I wanted to go back to attend my grandma's birthday dinner. I've skipped her birthday dinner last year due to the Promotional Exams and i don't want to skip it this year. Since i can afford to go back, why can't I ? But my brother. . . .Okay i understand that it's good to go back once i have settled everything. Birthday is just a celebration huh. . Plus,the bus fare has gone much expensive than before T_T I might as well go back after my A levels. Haiz. . . .Sorry ah po. . I'll be back soon.


To those who are working hard. Pace yourselves ok. Look forward ^^


I'm coming soon. Wait

Birthday 2009 ^^

Time flies. . . I turned into 19 finally. My last teenage year ^^

What can i say. . .Although it is the first time i'm celebrating my birthday during my exams, it is not a bad one afterall. Thing's slowing down now as my exams will be finally be over next week. Physic will be my last paper. It is scary when i come to think that the next paper would be A level. Ah. . .what an energy-draining month. . No more coffee for a few more weeks ^^

I am very happy this year. Everyone seems to remember ^^ I received alot of wishes from my friends and my facebook was flooded with birthday messages too. . Some of my friends from Ipoh even called me. I am really touched. Thanks guys. . Thanks for giving me energy when i need them so much especially during this period ^^

I received alot this year. Too much i would say . .

my birthday cake ^^ sinfully delicious

can see the layers? the first layer is chocolate mousse, followed by cake and

biscuit layer dipped in latte.

my bro bought me this ^^

my sister's

kuma chan that i received yesterday from HL

I don't remember tellling her that i always wanted a bear.

I don't know how she knew. I'm kinda touched.^^

i had honey dew pudding when the clock stricked 12am last saturday.

My beloved brother brought us to a korean restaurant yesterday to have a feast. Look at the table. It's really full just like in the korean movies. The food was exotic ! Bimimbap. . I love the kimchi soup with rice ^^ the bulgogi was delicious too ( the one inside the grill ). We had some glutinous rice wine before we left. Just 7% alcohol content. It's soothing. . aromatic and sweet. Just too nice XD I'm very happy as all of us enjoyed it. It has been a long time since i had such fulfilling meal ^^

I am just one lucky and blissful child eh? Both of my brothers really take good care of us since we're born. A kind of family that everyone would wish for.

I don't know. But is it because of the simplistic thinking of mine that everyone seems want to take advantage of it ?Just how can they wonder that i can be that "understanding and tolerating". Just how can they think that i am really that "kind". An "ok" to everything. When i really say it is fine, have you ever considered it really was?

And yet, i am writting all these here like a coward who doesn't really want to face them.

disgusting

Today i am . . . tired?

Dead tired

Is all when you don't know that you are ;

Is all when you don't want to use your brain anymore ;

Is all when you don't even feel like eating ;

Is all when you don't want to answer any more questions ;

Is all when you feel like you'll collapse anytime if you keep on sitting any longer ;

Is all when you feel numb to each feeling you received ;

Is all when you don't even care to ask why or how ;

Is all when you wanted to turn and just run away ;

Is all when you wanted to have a long peace rest throughout the eternity ;

Is all when you wanted to be the most selfish person on earth ;

Is all when you wanted to say that you can't take it anymore ;

Is all when you wanted to say " I want. . . "

I'm just . . .a little. . tired, i guess.



All i want is just a big hug from you

Today i am made to realize

Ah. .Today, I have started my own study break at home already XD The official day is next monday. That means that we don't have to go to school until Prelims. I have not been feeling well for the past few days ^^ It's not H1N1 although it's getting serious in Singapore. The whole family is sick except Ah Man. Want to write a big word "GENG" for her already. Not a cough is heard from her although surrounded by so many bacteria XD

My brother made "steamed orange" for us.It did not taste good coz it's very bitter for we need to finish up the skin also. To my suprise, it's really effective ^^. . I cough less at night and my throat felt better. Well, things have started and this is really the last lapse of my life. What i mean is i won't be working so hard in studies after this. After A levels. But there is no gauge how hard is hard huh? I got motivated after i came across a mail sent by mum. Let's share it :

If they haven't think that they are unlucky, how dare you say you are?

If you think you are not earning enough, then what about her?

If they are not giving up, what makes you think that you have right to do so?

If you think you are working hard enough, then what is this?

If they are not afraid, why do you have to? to trivial things?!

If you think life is unfair, Is it fair to her?

Aih. . . sorry for such an emotional post. It's just that i have been hoping for more and complaning alot ^^ and this makes me realised it.

My life motto will be : "Life is not just to maximise your own pleasure, live to make other's live as pleasurable as well"

Let's smile more and look into the brighter side, appreciating what you already have and live life the fullest ^^

i think i will be disconected from the world for a while ^^ Till then

stay strong

Today i am feeling like dead fish

I reached Singapore around 3.40am and went to school straight after finished packing. I felt like floating the whole day XD I don't like to say the word "tired' though coz it'll make it worse ^^

My return this time was really a memorable one. This was how it went . . .

I reached Ipoh around 5.30am. My dad brought us for dim sum. Although i don't feel like eating, i helped myself a little? I reached home around 6am and went straight into my beloved room and found my mum on my bed. She woke up and i hugged her ^^ She was a bit different compared to the last time i saw her. Lol. She looked abit young? Coz she had a Botox injection a month ago at Taiwan. We started chatting from 6am till 8 something. Actually, i was feeling like wanting to lie down. I wondered whether she is tired.. talking non stop and giving us every detail about what happen at Taiwan and how things going on with her and my new-to-be sister in law. My dad came down and the flame between them suddenly ignited =.=

It was my fault for not explaining things properly. Haiz... My mum wanted to bring me for Korean cuisine but my dad wanted to bring me to East Ocean instead.Both of them didn't explain to each other and expected everyone to follow each other's plan.It was a stupid quarrel. I'm really sorry.

We ended up following dad's plan. Actually,i don't mind what to have for dinner. I would even have seafood for dinner if you guys can sit down peacefully and have a dinner together. This was not the mainhighlight.

I was shocked this time. i didn't know that my grandma's health had deteriorated so badly. She can't see well now. She can't see me now. Everytime i talked to her, i moved close to her face and put her hands on my face. My heart scattered each time i looked her. I saw her scooping "air" when she thought that her spoon was full of rice when we were having dinner. My sister and i fed her for each meal we had together. She kept asking me to switch on the lights. Haiz...My heart really hurt. Yet , she was able to laugh and smile with us, showing no worries on her face. I salute her really. I wondered if she was scared each time she land her foot on the floor. *cries

I had alot of food this time i went back. I think i ate food worth for a week for my return this time. Ah...But it was really delicious. Durians...curry mee...etc etc...

I found myself kept complaining to my mum these two days. Everytime huiwen touch me, or beat me,i will go to my mum.. " Ah mi...you see ah mun..." Then my mum will say like "Ah mun...why bully your sister?..." I complained even for the tiniest thing XD I was really happy. i don't know why i enjoyed doing that but i like my mum pampering me. Haha.. I missed her too much i guess...back here. No. In fact everyone ^^

I realized that everyone was growing old. Haiz... I wanted to go back to Malaysia to work after i complete my studies in Singapore. My mum did not encourage me to do so .She said dad will disturb me. She asked me not to worry about them. It was not the case. I don't know how to explain to them that i wanted to be there for them whenever they need me. Just wanted to be near them. I know it will not do much good for me if i stayed in Malaysia. Next thing to consider is if i were to stay in Singapore to work, how about her? I know she don't mind. But it's my turn to say I mind. Really. I don't know. You want it like this? lol... Let me end my A level peacefully and SUCCESSFULLY first ^^

...........................................................

Today is dear's first day working... i wonder how is she coping ? ^^ good luck ya ~

As for me,today's Maths paper was rather do-able? Hope can score well with dear's wishes ^^

I gotta start work now T-T

Today I am reminiscing alot. . .

Today's weather is very nice. . .^^ very windy. It even rained this morning when i was on my way to school. To me, it'll be a crime not to sleep in during this kind of weather XD I forcefully made myself wake up to go to school.

I have been reminiscing a lot lately and the weather made it worse. I miss my secondary school days alot. I miss shuyun, yook woon, syikin, and CC very very much.They are my close friends that stayed with me since form four. I missed their laughter and their silly jokes. I missed the times when we used to bring food from home and shared them between us. We would be having mooncakes together during lessons at these times back then. It was really fun. All of us would be having our afternoon naps at school during the times where Encik Azahari not entering the class. Huhu....Thank you guys.. so much for adding colours into my life. I pray that you guys find your own happiness and success in life.

These chilly days reminded me of the days i used to look forward to every letter that i would be collecting under her desk during my break times. I think that's when my "real" life starts - where sweet and bitter memories flows in. ^^ I appreaciate them a lot and that's what makes me stand so long until now.

I'm going back to Ipoh tomorrow as i would not be able to attend my dad's birthday dinner. My dad asked me to go back home at least once to see him before i have my A levels. Yea true ~ I miss home too.I missed my grandma and my aunties that dotes me and my sister very much . K mak ( meaning god mother ) - i started calling her like this since i was young ^^. She treated me and my sister like her own daughters. Without her, i think my childhood will be just black and white . I vowed that i'll repay them back once i started working. I'll work hard for that ^^

Although i'm not really close to my dad if i am to compare him with my mum, i thank him for making me what i am today. He was a great man afterall, i guess. It was not easy to have raised up me and my siblings. I had such great brothers that took good care of us. Who will not make mistakes in his lifetime , eh? Because of him, I try to do things as perfect as they can. I had the mentality to do things in the best way i can. He used to say " What for doing those, if you are not aiming for the best? " He implied the mentality " I must be the best! " in all of us. =.= Dunno good or bad. But the way my brothers handle things really amuse you. I used to trip on the floor after he finished mopping them. Not because the floor is still wet, it is because the floor is too clean and smooth. If you wear socks, worse still XD

I was busy preparing for the A levels exam lately. 109 days more to go... Aih
Kinda stressed too... Anyway, let's work hard everyone. Relax for a while before moving on. ^^

I had a stupid idea popped in my mind while i was drifting away from paying attention during lessons yesterday. I wanted to open a " tong sui" shop when i retire and i'm going to name it " hooi sum pu tou " XD

Gotta get back to work.


Yes i do ^^

Today I am...as usual?

I have alot in my mind. So, why don't i just blog it out? ^^

I didn't go to school on Monday and i didn't take the Physisc test.I stayed at home and studied with my sister.I felt kinda weird for not going to school the next day.Maybe I'm not used to skip school. Haha..Actually, both of us didn't plan to let our brother know that we didn't go to school. First thing that we did when we woke up around 6am was to hide our shoes and produce some "locking-the-gate" sound. We thought our plan was perfect and we went back to sleep UNTIL my cute adorable two years old nephew came into my room jumped onto me shouting "Dai Ku!".
I was like....=.= His mum came in and " Mei mei , you didn't go to school ah? " I told her that we overslept. Haha.. Sorry ah sou, we didn't mean to lie to you. Just that we don't feel like going to school that day. I took the Physics test on the following day i went to school.
It was rather do-able. Anyway, i don't think i'll have a good grade for that ^^ But at least i tried my best?

I've been counting down the days to A levels. I have a lot of preparations that are yet to be done until i can declare that i am ready for that. I don't know how to start coz there's too much topics in every subject. I craft out something that i intend to make myself follow for the next few weeks until my Prelims in August.

General Paper

1. read up current analogy before i sleep every night

2. do exercises from the revison package

3. do notes from Broader Perspective for every issue.

Chemistry

1. finish all exercises that the school prepares for us

2. study Inorganic for the upcoming test

3. revise exercises from tuition

4. try exercises on ten year series exam papers

Geography

1. study up hydrology for upcoming test

2. copy exercises form lectures and tutorials and study them

3. do exercises from compilation of questions

Maths

1. redo my Common Test paper and last year's stuff

2. do exercises from revison package

3. finish up what school prepares

Physics

1. finish up exercises that the teaher prepares

2. try ten year series questions

A final touch up by revising all the notes before my Prelims and That's it.

Presently, i should be doing more instead of reading ^^ Prelims is important because i can use the results to apply for university before my actual A levels results come out.

I'm sure you won't understand all that are stated above. I just want to clear my mind and try to organize how i should start of with my revision every week. Ah......stress desu ne? Hope that i won't break down ^^

Oh ya... I have got back nearly all my Common test results. T-T

It was rather bad i think. To think i have prepare that much or is it not enough as what my friend said? Haha.. i don't know. Heck care what other people think ^^

I got a Subpass ( nearly fail grade ) for Maths. I failed my General paper. =.= And that was the worst paper. To my suprise, i actually passed my Chemistry !!!! I got an E... hahaha.. There were only 5 people who passed in my class ^^ I haven't even received back my Geography paper and Physics. Aih...Sure no hope.

Today i received biscuits from my Vietnamese friend. I was really happy when i found a note hidden inside the plastic bag.

" Everything will be fine in the end." - Anh

thank you so much. . . Sorry for such a heavy post... ^^

take care ^^

OH great. I received a message that i'll be having my physics exam tomorrow. No one informed me until now. And DAMN IT ! It's nearly 12am now !!!!! %^&*#$^&*

Today I am tearfully happy...

I'm home. . .I'm not tired suprisingly. Or i will feel its effect next morning when i wake up for school ^^

Time flied for these three days.I didn't do much things but i didn't really care. I have done a lot for the past weeks and i have rested well this weekend - in terms of - not touching notes? haha...I have gained enough energy to fight on for another 4 more months? Hope so ^^ Thanks for coming, everyone. Hope you guys enjoy your trip this time. Sorry for the wrong turnings and directions. Made you guys walk more with all the luggages. Gomen gomen.

I have learnt alot this weekend.I attended the CF held at Down Town East with dear and her friends.I was able to see alot of stuff that i haven't seen before and get to know alot of people from all perspective of life. That was really fun. I enjoyed myself alot ^^ It was my first time attending an event like this. I didn't really recognize nearly all the characters there and I'm not an artistic person.I don't really know what is the quality of this event as i can't compare.I look forward for this coming december Comic Fiesta that will be held in Malaysia. I guess i will be able to attend it since my A levels will be over by that time. Yea ! Hope i can see more that time. I look forward to see my dear and her friends to cosplay again. They are so yeng and profesional.It was nice talking to them too ^^ Do come again to singapore and i'll organize things better.

Basically, i have another few more weeks to school before i start my Prelims. Then, it'll be study break at home for about a month or so before my A levels. Please grant my wish, God. I really wanted to do better this time. One last time before i end my pre-university days. I wanted to enrol into the local university here so that i don't have to go so far and i don't want to go back to malaysia to study for some reasons. I don't want to be far from you. It's pain each time when both of us need to be separated. I didn't know that it's so deep. Sorry if i was too demanding. Sorry if i depended on you too much.

Ka yao and congrats again for getting a job.Till we meet again,everyone ^^

Today I am ok ok XD

Aih. . . school reopened yesterday and all start over again. From waking up at 6am , going to school and tuition classes. Except that the revision mode is on. All the syllabus has been covered by all the subjects before the school holidays. This gives me a scary feeling though. I received back some of my results. This is kinda demoralizing and I don't even know how i'll make it this coming year end. My friend said something that fired me up.

My friend : You all didn't work hard enough. ( me and the others are there as well and of coz she scored much better than me )

Me : How do you know that we didn't work hard ? How do you gauge the amount of hard work?

My friend : Your results la. It's only yourself that think that you have work hard enough only wad.

..............................................

I was speechless. She was so right. That means i have to work harder when i thought it is hard enough. I hate the heavy feeling. It was like a tunnel with no ends. You are just blindly moving forward. I really don't know but I will move on even though i don't know what lies ahead. I don't like give up and it's not that i'm going to since i have come this far.
I just don't know how to explain to my brothers and parents. It sucks . Really ^^

The battle has begun and i'm all for it. Stupid A level.

By the way, it's good that she is coming. ^^ I have to gather some strength before i move on.I hope that she'll enjoy her visit.I don't know whether i should be there but i'll be there even though uneeded. My sister asked me to be selfish abit sometimes and i guessed this time i will. I hope that i won't be taken over by my emotions XD


May my heart always as peace as flowing water so that no feelings can bind me.
I miss you

Ah....Today I am ..er..?

Since nearly all my friends wanted me to do one ^^
I do keep a diary for myself during my secondary school days. This is kinda same but just can't add in too much personal stuff eh? A place to allow myself to pour my daily thoughts in. A better way of expressing myself without having my friends to hear some nonsenses and making their life hard thinking how to answer me XD

School's going to start soon. Thanks to the Youth Day that is celebrated in Singapore that enable me to rot for another day. I really need to do something productive soon or else I am really going to lose my sanity. Doing nothing and sleeping for more than 8 hours. I don't really like to allow myself to rest for too long. The most important is A levels is only four more months to go .

The stupidest thing is i don't even know when i'll be having my Physics Common test =.=
My physics tutor haven't inform us yet. So i cannot officially declare that my Common test is over . I don't know but my Physics is all screwed up because of him. I haven't even passed a Physics test before under his supervision considering that i got A2 for Physics in secondary school exams. Aih...

That's too much for the first post, i think XD
Gotta start work and get my brain to work ^^ . That's all for now.